Endless Pursuit of Happiness

I've been deep in thought lately... thinking about this endless pursuit of happiness that we call "life." I've also been revisiting some Buddhist principles that I learned about in my Comparative Religions course. Specifically, dukkha, or suffering which can be summed up as the consequence of becoming attached... attached to positive emotions elicited by a vast variety of people, places, and things in this world. So much so that in the absence of those endorphin-releasing events, we experience a great suffering or sense of loss. I'm sure there's a lot more to it, this is how I understand it to be. (correct me if I'm wrong!)

And this has me really thinking about the hedonic treadmill... which I currently feel stuck on. I currently feel like I'm riding the waves, waiting for the next GOOD THING to happen to me - the next positive experience, happy experience. Despite being aware of this psychological process, I cannot shake the associated emotions.

In consideration of resilience, I wax and wane about whether I'm thriving or just surviving. I have imposter syndrome. I am faking being satisfied with my life (for a variety of reasons) and feel like I'm putting on a theatrical display for those around me in an effort to have a positive effect on their lives. I'm not living for myself. I'm not even really taking care of myself. I'm going through the motions, but am I really doing what makes me "happy?"

So I come to a point where I'm asking myself... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I didn't feel miserable? Would I even know how it felt? Would I recognize it? I feel like I've been SUFFERING so much this last year that I wouldn't even recognize what it looks like or feels like to "feel happy" anymore. But what if - WHAT IF I decided that no matter what happens, I'm just along for the ride and am going to appreciate any and all lessons that come from this journey? That's where my mind is right now.

I'm trying to remember that NOTHING IS PERMANENT and EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY, which means that even the "good things" will come to an end and no matter how "good" or "positive" a person's life experience feels, those emotions will fade or be stripped away at some point. This gives me a little perspective. And so no, I'm not living my life for myself right now. But essentially, we are all hedonists... so living for others makes me feel good and that's the ONLY THING that continues to make me feel good. I can never be "too kind" to someone or do "too much good."

I focus more on doing what's RIGHT than what's "good" because good is a relative term and very subjective to people and their backgrounds, experiences, emotions. So there's no real "good" or "bad" just RIGHT or WRONG.

As long as I can focus on doing THE NEXT RIGHT THING, I can take it one day, one moment, one step at a time and become AWARE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. And now I'm in my Zen.

Living Victoriously Despite Despair

Woke up yesterday feeling "some kind of way" and again today feeling drained, exhausted, overwhelmed.

But on both yesterday and today, I managed to pull myself out of bed and get down to business. It's the small victories that matter most! Yesterday, I ended up accomplishing all of the tasks on my to-do list and then some. Today, I managed to start Lydia's laundry and take a shower. I'm going to meet up with some local ladies today for a cocktail and to chit-chat about life. A little socialization to break up the cleaning tasks lately.

By no means am I saying that I'm superior to anyone struggling to do these things and overcome depression. But I like to compare myself to the previous version(s) of me. And the previous version(s) of me could not do this. So in those terms, I must be doing better. Relative to my previous self, I've become an overcomer - a victorious warrior! I will hold onto this sentiment when I'm feeling low throughout the day.

"You are doing it. You are a living testament to His grace and mercy. You will only continue to grow and become a seasoned pro at living victoriously. In Jesus' name!"

Some kind of feeling

Lately, I've been having some kind of feeling. Words cannot begin to describe the distress that comes with it. I am being enveloped in black ribbons of despair that turn into a never-ending abyss of darkness and emotional pain.

It is as if I have no control over it... it comes in the form of a wave and then sweeps me off my feet and covers me in a thick, black cloud of nothingness. And oh the tears that come with it.

Nobody would hardly know about it. I think I've been keeping it under wraps pretty well. You see my face but you get only a blank stare and a glimpse of a smile, a false sense that everything is okay.

Truth is, I'm going through a lot right now. It's just... a lot! For example, losing a friend who has been my hang-out buddy for the last 5 years. Breast cancer. Fuck cancer! Losing my big brother to kidney disease. I don't get to see him often but when I do, it's hard not to sob. I want to remember the good times with my family and friends but it's so damn hard right now. All I see is death. Death is all around me. And it's taking a toll on me.

I would never say this to them, but I am afraid for them. Of course I would be. But I am also afraid for myself. I am afraid of how deep the pain will be when they pass. I don't want to feel that. I'm getting a glimpse of what it might be like now... while they're still here. How much more when they're gone!

I fear that people will minimize how much this affects me. So, I don't speak it out. Ever. I just want to hold onto them tight and never let go. And I fear that never-ending sadness when I have to let go...

And then there's my job situation. A whole different story. A mess of a story. I won't begin to divulge and you can imagine how complicated, horrible, and distressing it must be. And the financial strain. And the fighting over finances with my husband. And the debilitating back pain and injury. I could go on...

And the fact that all of those are the result of an accident that was not my fault. Something that happened to me that I didn't ask for. An accident that has brought about insurmountable changes in my life. God help me!

I hold onto the promises of God because that is the only truth I know anymore. I cannot do this on my own! I am depending upon the higher power to bring this challenge to an abrupt end and set me free from the bondage of these burdens.

God, please hear my prayer and grant me this: patience, perseverance, and peace!

Verbal vomit

Per recommendation of my therapist, I am going to vent my frustrations in the form of verbal vomit.

Trigger warning: negativity, TMI, profanity



My day starts with struggling to get out of bed; extreme pain in my back and hips due to the accident results in taking a lot longer to just get up. I walk to the bathroom with urgency because I cannot get up at night to empty my bladder - because I need help in the bathroom and there's nobody to help at night. So, I brace myself for sitting on the toilet. Back pain in the morning makes it hard to bend and sit. Then, I call for assistance wiping myself. Yes, it's embarrassing. No, I'm not lazy - it's just not possible to do alone. Showering is another story in and of itself. Struggling, arguing, fighting over how he needs to wash me. He's so helpful but I'm not patient at all, as I'm learning about myself. Drying and dressing (with assistance) just hurts... a lot!

Then, I set out on the journey to walk down the stairs to get coffee. (sometimes he delivers it to me upstairs because he knows how much it hurts to come down the stairs that early) I recline on the couch because that's the most comfortable position (although I still have major pain) and try to do computer work, reading, or watch a photo show on the big screen. Now, I start to get frustrated that there's so much to do that I cannot do. Laundry, dishes, junk that piles up everywhere. Every table covered in books and papers, cards and drawing that Lydia makes for me to show she cares. I can't justify throwing them away yet I cannot sort them and file them away because of back pain. Most days, all I can manage to do is physical therapy or a quick trip to the pharmacy to pick up meds. Some days are better than others, but never without it's own pain, typically a nine on a scale of ten. But many times 10/10!!!

Physical therapy is tough. Doing the exercises at home are redundant and boring... and painful. It's hard to motivate yourself to do something that you know will cause pain, especially the kind of pain that causes serious deficits in self-care.

This just sucks! It sucks that I am missing out on a lot of things that life has to offer. I cannot do simple things around the house. For example, bending to put things into the dishwasher has me in tears. Sweeping and reaching to clean the countertops makes my back burn with an intense fire. I cry as I type this because I just can't do much of anything and it's not fair! I can't ride a bicycle with my daughter. I can't crawl on the floor and play with her. I can't bend to load the washer or dryer. Cleaning the cat litter is utter torture. Even folding laundry is difficult (because of bending) and making the bed alone is clearly not possible. I cannot sit in the car for long periods of time, or short periods of time for that matter, without stabbing, shooting pains in my back and side down through my thighs and calves. I cannot have sex with my husband. I cannot even cuddle in bed because the twisting motion hurts. Turning in bed is hard enough! I love dancing, but now I can't dance. Tried it once, under the influence of alcohol, and the next few days I paid severely for it!!! Shopping is unbearable. I used to be able to walk around Target for hours just browsing. Now, I limit my shopping experiences to 15-20 minutes all because of back pain. The quicker I can get out, the better! I cannot work - Lord knows if I'll even have a job to go back to when the dust settles. This is not an exhaustive list, just a few examples.

Gravity makes things much worse for me. The longer I'm sitting, the longer I'm up out of bed, the more my back hurts because of... well, science. My vertebrae are basically grinding on top of one another with no cushion because of the inflammation. My nerve is being pinched because of the pressure inside of the vertebrae. I have received cortisone shots, lidocaine shots, epidurals... nerve-racking procedures because of my back pain. How does it feel to let someone poke your back with huge ass needles, you ask?? It feels like you're going to jump out of your skin. It fucking hurts. And all you do is lay there and worry that they will miss their mark and you will become paralyzed. It's some scary shit!! The local anesthetic, yeah, supposed to help but actually hurts like a motherfucker when they inject you. I have anxiety attacks every time. Each time, the anticipation gets worse, even though I know what will happen, I'm still scared and worried and utterly terrified. But... all for relief, right? But I've gotten no relief yet. So, another procedure coming ahead, a far scarier procedure.

I know I'm not alone. Many people have gone through this. But it's SO FUCKING UNFAIR! I did not ask for this situation. I was merely driving home from work and CRASH! I was not at fault. I cannot go into details for legal reasons but this is a NIGHTMARE!!! I want to scream at the driver. I want to shake them and "wake them up" to the reality of what they've caused! I want to curse those kids out so bad. But I remained calm. I spoke kindly. I feel guilt for the anger that I harbor. I'm very angry. Livid. How could this happen?!?! Doesn't anyone have any fucking common sense anymore?!

It's not fair. I can say that 1,000 times and still not get it off my chest. It's just not fair!!! You walked away with a ticket that you probably fought in court, who knows. And I walk away with my life changed forever. I know you might think I'm being overly dramatic but you have NO idea what your nonsense has caused. I cannot believe you could ever think - what you told me that day - was true. What in the actual fuck!

And it's not just the back pain. The concussion was terrible. I still have symptoms sometimes, just not as intense as they were before. Do you realize that for WEEKS, all I could do was lay in bed?! I couldn't even cry because crying triggered a migraine and then I would just lay in the dark in agonizing pain, crying by myself. My family could not even stay by my side because they had work and school. I was utterly alone in the darkness for WEEKS!!!!! What the fuck! It's not fair!!

I have cancelled so many plans and postponed so many events because of this. The few things I've done have led people to believe that my condition is "not so bad." And they couldn't be more wrong. I suffered for doing those things. I paid the price. I cannot disagree more with ANYONE who thinks this is "not so bad" or "it could have been worse." GTFO of here with that bullshit!!!! IT IS FUCKING BAD!!!!

I have a right to feel the way I feel but I shove it deep down inside so that nobody will see what a mess this is. Do you know how inconvenient it is to go to the doctor's office 1-2x per week, and then physical therapy 2-3x per week? Do you know that procedures take time for insurance approval so I've waited SO FUCKING LONG for any kind of help, any HOPE of relief. And relief has yet to come!!! It's NOT fair! My therapist was right, I need to let it out, get it out of my system, just get it off my chest. I try to look at the positive and encourage myself. I try to subject myself to positive material and uplifting people. But it's so very hard to stay positive!! This bullshit is a full-time job in itself. Talking to insurance companies and hospitals on the phone constantly. Getting paperwork together for court. What a fucking mess!!! It's not fair!!!!!!!

For now, I'll leave it at that. But just know, if you're reading this, that I cannot put into words how devastating this has been. I hope you never experience this in your lifetime. Thanks for reading...

Here I grow again!

God won't give you more than you can handle. While it's hard right now, I do believe that there is a bigger, better plan that God has for me. There just has to be.

Last November, something terrible happened. An accident. I suffered a concussion and post concussive syndrome. I was out of work for 3 months consecutively. My back was injured during the accident as well. When I started transitioning back to work, I was miserable with migraines daily and my back pain increased significantly to the point that I am unable to function normally. I had to go on another leave of absence. It's been 7 weeks since my last day of work and I'm growing more frustrated and stressed. The process of getting treatment for my back is very busy and tiring. There have been days I wanted to quit, days I didn't get out of bed, a few weeks of utter darkness.

I am sad and grieving the loss of a normal life I cannot play with my 6-year-old daughter. I cannot work. I cannot dance. I cannot bear sitting in a car for long periods of time. I even dread the thought of being in a car due to PTSD and anxiety now; driving is torture. I cannot shop (thank God for order pick-up.) I cannot stand or sit for long periods of time. Every position is painful, every movement painful. I do not get relief. What I do get is immense guilt for the life I cannot give my daughter and constant worry for what the future holds.

You can imagine how mentally exhausting this can be. Physical health plays a role in mental health. Chronic health problems and traumatic events lead to depression and anxiety. This is where I'm at right now... every day spent ruminating about the accident, angry that a young person's mistake has led to this. I worry about job loss and loss of bodily function, wondering what the future holds for me as a nurse. And to be honest, I'm just not sure anymore. Maybe it's time to move onto something else? Or maybe it's time to move up a step on this career ladder? I'm so torn. I know I am capable of enduring this hardship and seeing what God has in store for me. So I press on...

I press on because I have so much gratitude. I'm grateful that this accident wasn't worse, that it didn't happen somewhere else, that my family was not in the car with me, that I am getting the healthcare that I deserve, that I have just a few people who understand my condition and the havoc it's caused in my life. I'm grateful for time to study, research, reflect, and grow. Every challenge comes with an opportunity to overcome great adversity with thanksgiving and praise. And I am one that does not like to pass up on opportunities. So I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I give this over to God.

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for peace, until Your will comes to pass. You are good. Your ways are good. You have planned for me an expected end. You will cause me to rise above on wings as an eagle. You will right the wrongs that have been done against me. You will cast down my enemies. You will give me rest. I declare that my life will be a testament of Your love and forgiveness. Thank You for Your goodness and mercy! Thank You that Your mercy is new every day, despite my sinful nature, You are showering me with Your love. Thank You that you can give me the strength to forgive. Thank You that You exchange my anger for grace even though my anger is justified. Thank You for sending Your healing power to touch me and make me whole again. Thank You for causing me to prosper. Thank You for joy in a time of great sorrow. Thank You for keeping my family safe and for bringing us good news. Thank You for constantly keeping the Devil at bay and protecting me from temptation to wander from You and doubt Your power and willingness to free me from this situation. Thank You for allowing me the faculties to know what I know and for the motivation to do what I do. Thank You for sending Your Holy Spirit to break my heart for You. I love you, Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Redemption

Waking up in the morn feelin' like a newbie.
Saving grace caught me up now it has me snoozing.
Yesterday was hard but now today is so brand new and
I cannot say enough how grateful I am to Him.
Thank you, Jesus, living, breathing, loving is a blessing
Take these hands and feet I'm saying use 'em as a blessing
Compromising leads to sin, I'm not the exception
Lead me on the path of righteousness and redemption.

Meet me in the middle

This post is coming 2 days after symptoms have improved. I have been feeling much more even for the last 2 days. Back to baseline for the most part. There's always 1 or 2 kinks in the mix but I feel like I'm past this cyclic episode.


What I've learned and/or changed this last month:

1. I need to ensure I'm getting enough sleep!

2. I need to avoid any triggers of anxiety.

3. When my anxiety starts, do a grounding exercise, pray, read Scripture, and/or look for positivity memes and quotes online. Listening to relaxing or uplifting and inspiring music at the same time can help. This gets my mind back on track for a moment.

4. Then I have to get up and do something! Anything will do but something that can be done with my hands is best. Examples include blogging, organizing, folding laundry, cooking, arts/crafts, sewing, etc. If I try to read, watch TV, or listen to music on its own, I will spiral out of control into the world my anxiety creates in my mind.

5. And most importantly - because none of this will work unless I do this consistently and repeatedly - challenge my thoughts!


Although the exercises and activities might be a little different, this is exactly how I deal with my depression. I think most people forget that they have to also challenge their thoughts. It's easy to do when you're caught up in the whirling dervish that is the anxious mind.

Here are some questions to ask yourself when feeling anxious:
Is this a real or perceived threat?
Is this something I can control?
If I cannot control it, what purpose does it serve to worry about it?
If I can control it, what am I doing about it?
How am I really feeling about this concern?
What can I do right now to make myself feel better?
What is preventing me from doing this?

I find that if my worry serves a purpose, that I need to funnel my energy into it rather than worrying about it. For example: if you worry about your child getting into a car accident/hit by a drunk driver, get involved with MADD (mother's against drunk driving). Much like when someone has a traumatic experience and later becomes involved in organizational efforts that champion those causes. Do it pre-emptively!

No Thought Left Behind
With anxiety comes all of the negative self-talk which needs to be challenged as well. You will find it easier to do this as you practice it daily. The more often you do this, the better because it does not come naturally to most to speak positive words over yourself. As they say, we are our own worst critics. Negative chatter in our minds is detrimental and causes so many distressing emotions, making life insufferable. I'd like for you to follow this link, take a minute, and read more about positive thinking from the Mayo Clinic: Click Here.

Starting each day with 1 positive thought can get your day off on the right foot, changes your attitude, and gives you a better perspective. I like to start my day with a thought of gratitude such as a "Thank you" prayer. I prefer to practice gratitude at the beginning of the day because it does frame my thoughts throughout the day. You can keep a gratitude journal. Journaling helps to reflect on positive things that happened to you throughout the day and even make a bullet list of things you're grateful for.

Please see my previous posts about positive psychology for more information about this topic.

Bottom line is that I need to keep on keepin' on challenging these negative thoughts that play on a constant loop in my mind. I'm getting there...

List of recent symptoms

Since my last post, things have changed quite a bit. I went from feeling utterly and completely manic to losing all motivation - my energy level has been sapped. I am experiencing anhedonia at it's finest. Below, I am outlining an approximate timeline of my symptoms for my future reference:

Beginning the first week of January - lack of concentration, unable to focus on 1 thing at a time (jumping around a lot), hyperverbal, unable to access full memory (couldn't find the words I wanted to speak, short-term memory loss, etc.), sleeping fewer hours than normal, emotional lability, and excessive spending.

Beginning the third week of January - a stretch of several days of lack of sleep due to night terrors, return of PTSD flashbacks, hyperarousal, increased anxiety, increased irritability (easily agitated, short temper, explosive and overreacting), a buzzing sensation in my head. Returned a lot of recent purchases only to make more purchases. Unable to focus on a movie or TV show (did not watch TV because I was always busy working with my hands), a sense of general restlessness. Increased desire to control my environment and clean and organize - accomplished a lot of projects around the house that I had been putting off for months. Involved in a car accident (ran over 2 small trees) due to distractability which caused significant damage to my car - followed by an episode of vertigo the same day causing me to sleep for 6 hours straight during the middle of the day.

Beginning the last weekend of January - low mood, loss of motivation, anhedonia, low energy level, excessive sleeping, lethargy, and lack of self-care including hygeinic activities. Still able to accomplish small tasks such as doing the dishes and brushing my teeth. I did finally take a shower last night and felt much better emotionally. Still able to self-regulate and managing irritability without exploding. Poor dietary choices but eating excessively and out of boredom. Was able to pay attention enough to watch a few episodes of a new TV show.

Today, I was able to motivate myself to blog. I am just bracing myself for a deep depression and preparing for a week of no activity.

Hopefully this information will resonate with some of you out there who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I will attempt to blog again when things improve.

Balance

It's shocking how quickly things can change. After all, that's why they call it "rapid cycling" bipolar disorder. And because it varies from person to person and from one episode to the next, there's never a dull moment. Let me explain.

At first glance, it seemed like I went from even keel to manic overnight. While my condition did take a sharp left turn at some point over the last week, hind sight tells me that my manic episode has been amping up for at least a month now. I missed the early warning signs and truth be told, that's because it's been so very long that I've been this manic. Maybe 8 years!! Yes, I've weathered ups and downs and if there was a graph to show where I was mood-wise each day, you'd certainly see the "sharpness" I reference. But even with these variations, my mood has neither been extremely low nor extremely high at any given point in time in recent years. Of course, this is all relative.

Frankly, I'm scared. You heard me. I'm scared. You'd expect me to feel good if my mood was elevated, but no, I'm not. Something doesn't sit right with me and I know it. I'm not myself and I know it. For a time, I've felt very "normal" or "even keel" or "baseline" whatever wording you choose - which isn't my norm. I'm grateful for that! But that has changed recently and I'm just now putting all of the pieces together.

What you see: A person who is well put-together "given the circumstances," who appears to be less human than others. Someone that tackles "things" all by themself, who doesn't put their trust in others. Outspoken and unafraid to share their opinions. A thrill seeker. Who uncovers a new dream or discovers a new hobby. Driven. Accomplished. Extremely productive and at a very fast rate. Humble. Or perhaps an expert multi-tasker who is struggling to maintain focus. Who talks too much. Makes a big deal about the smallest details. A micro-manager. Someone who is always busy. Who constantly seeks acknowledgment and reassurance for a job well done or that they're doing the right thing. An Irish temper. Someone who doesn't really know what they want or what they like. A procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. Someone who doesn't know when it's time to ask for help.

What it both is and leads to, in a never-ending cycle, over and over again, at the speed of light: Overwhelming guilt. Self-deprication. Memory problems. Fatigue. Relationship strain. Making frequent mistakes because you're moving too fast. And of course, depression.

Somehow, I managed to find a place in-between where I jived for a while... a place I like to call the BALANCE. Yes, a balancing act of both the ups and downs, the good and bad, the sane and insane. Somewhere right in the middle, that's the sweet spot. Many people have achieved this; I'm no pioneer. But somehow, I've gone astraw. And somehow, I have to get back there.

So, if you know me, then you know that I will bounce back. But as they say, it's going to take some love, patience, and time.

A Small Success

You're supposed to celebrate even the smallest of successes, so here's the success I would like to celebrate. Although I've been angry and severely depressed at times, I've been a lot more even since starting my new medication with the dose increase. Yay!!! There's still kinks to work out and nothing is perfect, but I know it's nothing I can't overcome!

I have had some very turbulent things happen to me these last few months (what else is new, eh?!) and I'm proud to say I've made it through them thus far. I could not have done it without the help of my supportive people - my mom, my husband, my children, my coworkers, Carol, Kristy. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my psychiatric nurse practitioner has left the practice and the person I trusted with my meds for years is no longer there to guide me. My new doctor does not listen to me at all which makes treatment very difficult. I weathered my 18-yr old son telling me he didn't want to see me anymore, a COVID scare, a broken right knee, and a herniated disc in my low back. I've had many anxiety attacks along the way, which is embarrassing at best. I've suffered from sleep deprivation at times (due to pain and grief and an occasional episode of night terrors). Some of my family members are enduring very serious medical conditions as of late which causes me a great deal of sadness and my marriage has been strained by a combination of all of these factors.

Is this deja vu?!

I feel like there's a pattern lying somewhere hidden here. I certainly didn't have much control over my NP leaving the practice, but I feel like I could have prevented the others from happening. I feel so guilty for not realizing that sooner. My saving grace is that I have managed to weather all of this without returning to previous maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Adulting sucks!

Adulting means taking ownership and responsibility for the things in your life that you manufacture with your choices and happen to be things that you can make the choice to change. Choices, choices, choices... Such is life!

And so today, although I could choose to be negative about all of the challenges, I choose positivity. I choose acceptance. I choose to rise to the occasion and take matters into my own hands. I will not be tricked into thinking I have no control over what happens to me. I refuse to believe the lies of the Devil and I choose to move forward in faith and with hope in my chest knowing that I can do hard things!!!

Another mixed episode?

I’m not feeling very well lately. It’s like I’m jumping out of my skin...a feeling that my body will explode at any moment!! My heart is racing and my mind can’t stop overthinking things. Over analyzing is driving me nuts and making me think I’m going insane.

I've also been varying between this intense feeling and severe depression. A depression so deep that my thoughts have been suicidal and had urges to self-harm on several occasions. It's sad because I feel like a hypocrite due to my career in psychiatric nursing. Am I taking on too much of my patients' burdens?? Or am I just so broken that I can't help myself in ways that I help others??

While I can identify some triggers for my intense emotions, these triggers are unavoidable, so it's unlikely that the situation will change any time soon. All I can change is how I react to these situations... and that's just fucking hard. Even more sad, I know for a fact that I've over-reacted and over-analyzed on too many occasions to count and lost absolute control over my behaviors at times. I've had breakdowns at work - one was very embarrassing and witnessed by my boss. I feel guilty and humiliated for having these occurrences/relapses but all I can do is forgive myself and keep moving forward. Far easier said than done.

I know there must be millions of people out there who can identify with my feelings and thoughts. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Anxiety & Irritability

Does anxiety make you irritable? It certainly can. Irritability is just one of the many ways that anxiety manifests. And it's absolutely true for me.

The problem with that is people don't often recognize irritability as a manifestation of anxiety. I have been accused of "just being a bitch." And while my personality borders on the bitchy side, my anxiety definitely contributes to that. I think the difference between someone who is bitchy is that they choose to be that way. With anxiety, you get no choice. It's a knee-jerk reaction - an over-reaction - to the environment due to the internal stimuli. It can take an insurmountable amount of time to master the skill of controlling your reactions when anxiety is at play.

What people see is someone who cannot keep her cool, is always yelling, and has no compassion. What they cannot see is what's going on inside of my head. They don't know that I'm actually suffering a painful existence with the alternate reality that my anxiety has created. It's as if someone is following you around constantly reminding you of every possible disaster that could happen, making you question everything in the environment. Am I going to die? Is my child going to fall off the balcony? Will I lose my job if I call in sick, even though I'm actually sick?? All of these thoughts and more bombard me from moment to moment, every single day of my life.

So, if I ever come across to you as rude, cold, indifferent, angry, irritable, distant, restless, or a combination of any of those, please know that it's not you (or at least, I hope it's not you). It's me. And chances are, I know that already. And I guarantee you that I'm trying! Please be patient with me and give me some grace. Thanks in advance!!

Med trial

So, I'm still slowly tapering off of one medication which I've been on for a long time. And I'm increasing my dose of the new medication. I haven't noticed a change so far but we shall see. My nurse practitioner also changed my sleep medication to a longer-acting med to see if that will keep me asleep at night because I've been waking up between midnight and 2AM wide awake with anxiety!

This is just a reminder that meds often need to be tweaked. Whether it's because your body has grown tolerant to a certain medication, your body chemistry has changed over time, or because of circumstances that cause you to be especially triggered, such as in an acute episode. I think my situation is a combination of all 3 of those things and I'm hoping these changes will garner results.

In my blog, you will notice that I don't mention names of medications I'm taking. That is not because I'm secretive or don't want my business out there. It's intentional. I don't like to recommend medications to people because 1. another person's body might not respond to a medication the way mine does and 2. I'm not a doctor and cannot prescribe medications to someone.

While it's great to be knowledgeable about the options out there and it's a good idea to bring your own ideas to your provider, some providers may find it offensive when you recommend a treatment for yourself. But it's best to be your own advocate! When it comes to mental health, you cannot afford not to be aware of the options for treatment. You should be just as much a partner in the decision-making as possible.

L. O. V. E.

Sunday was my 7th wedding anniversary! Mmmmm love. I am SO blessed to have a loving, supportive husband. When I'm suffering with mania, he is never quick to judge and when I'm in the depths of depression, he is there with me, to be with me and show me I'm not alone.

That's the kind of relationship I wish everyone had. I know there are a lot of unhealthy relationships in the world and it's so much harder with the prevalence of mental illness. Quite unintentionally, I make it a lot harder for my husband to continue to show me unconditional love. But that does not make me unlovable!! Frankly, it's the nature of the beast.

Over time, I have been able to adapt and rein in a lot of my wild fantasies about what a relationship should look like. I had always imagined a person who would be there with me, to walk beside me, to be a comforting force in my life. But I had never witnessed that in real life so I thought it was all just a dream, a fantasy.

Growing up with an abusive father was torture. Not just because of how he treated me, but because of how I watched him treat my mother. I had always vowed never to be in a relationship as manipulative and controlling as the one I witnessed everyday. I was actually relieved when he abandoned me at the age of 10. He set the bar so incredibly low, that when I started having relationships of my own, I had no idea what I was looking for.

I made some big mistakes in my past, ones that shaped my future, ones that haunt me every day. Most of them stemmed from bad relationships! That's not to put the blame on my counterparts... a relationship is two-sided, not one.

It came as no surprise to my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because he said (and I've done some research) that it's very common among young women who were molested or abandoned as children. That violation of trust early on can lead to a sense of loss and loneliness that carves deep wounds into the soul of a child. BPD manifests as the "I hate you don't leave me" syndrome. You are prone to behave in ways that push your loved ones away, but once they're halfway out the door, you realize you don't want to do life without them and struggle to get them back. I've learned as I've grown to recognize this trait that developed as a defense mechanism. It's your mind's desperate attempt to avoid being hurt or feeling that deep sense of abandonment. It's counterintuitive though! Sometimes, I have come to realize that defense much too late and sent my relationships (even with the good guys) into a tailspin that would undoubtedly end in heartache.

Until I met my husband, that is...

When I met my husband, I learned what it really felt like to be loved for who I was, not my diagnosis. Having well known my past (because we talked about everything), he was able to understand the motives behind my behavior. He understood that I sometimes act out of the need to protect myself, self-preservation. He knew I'd try to put up walls to keep him out and that I would refrain from being vulnerable to him when I felt like things could come crashing down on me. He learned that I would try to push him away before he could hurt me. And he knew better than to abuse me, belittle me, or desert me like my father had. He knew how to love me.

What I find amazing about my husband is that he actually learned a healthy way of loving despite not having a mother. He didn't get to watch the love between his father and mother blossom as he grew up. Yet, somehow, out of all of the tragedy in his childhood, he was able to learn to be a loving person, and how to be loved in return. That was also something I have struggled with over the years - and still do - to just let someone love me. Until I met my husband.

When I met my husband, it was like meeting someone that only existed in my dreams. He's sweet, cute, funny, kind, loving, jovial, respectful, responsible, and just in general a good guy. He's everything you could want in a counterpart, with none of the ugliness I had experienced before. I am beyond blessed to call myself his wife.

And sometimes that simple fact is what drives me. It fuels my love for him, yes, but also fuels my love for myself. If he can see me for who and what I am, and still love me, then I must be someone worth loving. Right? That's how my relationship with God began, too. Much in the same way, I learned in the Bible about God's love for us and how He sees us, knows everything about us, knows our strengths and our weaknesses, and still chooses to love us.


Love is a choice.

I choose love for my husband every single day. I know he does the same for me. My husband has been nothing less of a constant reminder of God's love for me. And I'm so grateful to have a godly husband to look after and take care of me... in sickness AND in health. That means I don't just count on him to be there for me when I'm depressed or manic. I am continuing to learn how to be faithful in love to him in the good times, too. When it's easy to say "I got this on my own" and hit the road... I don't. I know that he will also struggle from time to time, not unlike other human beings who are living and breathing. It's my duty to be there for him in sickness and in health, too.

That is hard. Because when you're mentally ill, specifically with BPD, you tend to set the focus on yourself - what you need - not what someone else needs. You have to learn to set that defense mechanism aside. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your counterpart. In doing so, you learn a lot about yourself. And in doing so, it makes you a lot more likely to love in the purest fashion.

I could go on and on about how wonderful my husband is, but here's the truth: it takes teamwork. To manufacture a strong, healthy relationship, it takes two separate people willing to set aside their separate preservations and commit to supporting each other fully in order to become one. Sounds so simple, but it's anything but simple. Even the best people have imperfections. There is no perfect counterpart, just two imperfect people who learn together how to love each other, who choose daily to love each other, and who remain faithful to that L.O.V.E.

I am always happy to share that I am still completely, wholeheartedly, and unimaginably in love with my husband. Cheers to 7 years!! Here's to making it last!

A big blue hump

Today, I'm in a slump. It's a bit of a big blue hump day for me. But I realized around 1pm that I had forgotten to take my morning meds. I hate when that happens (and it doesn't happen very often). I have come to recognize that when I'm feeling a bit down it's because I've forgotten. Or something has triggered me - one of the two.

I want to speak to those of you who do take daily psychiatric meds. As of 2016, 1 in 6 Americans take some form of psych meds. And while that's an alarming amount, it's probably not nearly enough considering that 1 in 4 (adult) Americans suffers with a mental illness. This does not include adolescents and children (and yes, they too take psych meds).

I find that people tend to feel ashamed of not only their diagnosis of a mental illness but also their need to take psychiatric medications. I want to be the first to say - THERE IS NO SHAME IN TAKING PSYCH MEDS. In fact, I'd rather take psych meds than not... BTDT!

There are a lot of factors to consider when taking psych meds.

Below is a list of some of the common detractors:
Side effects such as nausea, weight gain, and adverse reactions (among others)
Inconvenience (time of day is not ideal, etc.)
Cost (some psych meds cost more than $1k per month!)
Route (oral - difficulty swallowing, injection - fear of needles/pain)
Stigma

There is a genetic testing that will now help identify some medications in each class which *might* work well for you. There isn't a lot of research about it, but what's out there looks somewhat promising. The test is completed by collecting an oral swab sample and sent to a lab for processing. The test is generally not covered by insurance, although more and more insurance companies are covering it these days. Most people report that they paid approx. $300 as their portion and the insurance covered the rest (it's a very expensive test).

This is good news for those who do not want the hassle of the trial and error that often comes with introducing psychiatric medications as part of the treatment of a mental illness. I suggest asking your psychiatrist or nurse practitioner about your options for genetic testing and if it is a service they provide.

As for me, I will spend this dreary, rainy evening in reflection. Reflection is a great coping skill and helps to problem solve for future episodes. While today is not a depressive episode (after all, it's just one day), I am feeling a little blue so some self-care and Chinese food are definitely in my future!

An unwanted guest!

Let's talk about it. Nobody wants to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Even the best of us cringe at the thought. Like an unwanted guest who shows up out of the blue and takes over, ever-demanding, sucking the life force out of you. It drains you of your mental acumen and makes you feel helpless and, at times, hopeless. It latches on to your meninges like a parasite and conjures your worst nightmares. Like an all-consuming fire, it suffocates you until you can't breathe (sometimes very literally). And all I want is to be freed from this aberration which has made me a slave to my thoughts and feelings.

Try as you might, and as supportive as you believe you are, you cannot convince me that mental illness is a good thing. Am I a good person? Possibly. Am I a good mother? The jury's out on that. Do I have a good heart and a sharp mind? Yes, I believe I do. But am I a better person because of my mental illness? Most definitely not.

I will still go on to achieve things that most people won't bother to try. I will still show up for my children and be there to support them. But the ugly truth is that I'm facing each new day with a crippling, invisible disease. Mental illness kills... in every way possible.

You can tell me that most people with mental illness are intelligent, artistic, and have high IQ's. I. Don't. Care! I find that when people tell you it's OK to be diagnosed with a mental illness, it's because of one or more of the following:
1. They are ignorant on the subject;
2. They are minimizing your pain and suffering;
3. They are unsupportive in general.

Yes, some people do so unintentionally because they truly want to be supportive. But stop. Please. Just stop it.

Do not get me wrong... there is nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to mental illness. And I take stigma-busting very seriously. Which is why I want EVERYONE to understand that this is not something I asked for. My episodes are not something I am proud of. I am a whole person aside from my illness and I desire only to be seen for those qualities. I absolutely dislike feeling the way I do and I do not appreciate unsupportive "advice."

You may find this post offensive or harsh... and you are 100% entitled to your opinion. Feel free to comment below! But this is my blog and I'm spilling my heart out for all to hear. If I could have 3 wishes, you can bet one of them would be to free all those who are diagnosed with mental illness from their unwanted guest!

The Impact of Bullying

I started writing this post in 2013 and never finished it because I felt it was too personal. But I promised myself I'd be real with my readers. So, here it goes...

I'm almost 40 years old and I find myself daily recalling traumatic events that happened in my childhood. One in particular is that I was ridiculed, ostracized, and humiliated at school. I can remember one particular individual who made my life at school very fearful but there is no denying that, being different from my peers and it being public knowledge that there were problems at home, it greatly affected my elementary school experience.

I remember feeling like I had no friends, despite my attempts to get close to people. I always felt lonely and even when I was included, it was only so that I could be mimicked and made fun of.

It's not as simple as "letting it go" or "moving on." The effects of bullying are devastating and often lead to a lifetime struggle with self-identity and contributes to a negative self-image. It is only recently that schools are taking bullying more seriously. And even then, the "zero tolerance" policies at school are often not enforced. Instead, they blame the victim.

While I am saddened about the prevalence of bullying and I feel like I personally will never fix the damage that was done... I tell myself that I AM LOVED and I AM NOT UNWORTHY. I AM NOT A LOSER or a FAILURE. Sometimes, you have to speak love to yourself because if you don't, you will never dig your way out of that hole the bullies put you in.

I want to encourage you to listen to this song by Mandisa. I do not own the copyright to this music, I am sharing the video in hopes that it will lift someone's spirits.

Compassion

Sunday was an interesting day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just happened to be in an "okay" mood. I got triggered by some small arguments but otherwise, I was feeling pretty fine.

Church was very inspiring! I have to say, God does not make mistakes and Sunday was no exception. Pastor Clayton's words spoke to my heart! He preached from the Psalms, my favorite book of the Bible... and I was very grateful for his message. If you have 40 minutes, please take the time to watch his message posted below. I'm hoping it will inspire you, too!

God's compassion has never failed me! I might not see what is to come, but God has walked that road before me. I am in desperate need of compassion. We need more compassion in this world. Being the body of Christ, it is our responsibility to pass this same compassion on to our brothers and sisters... to our neighbors and friends... to all of God's creatures.

I love the illustration that Pastor Clayton gave... it's like Christmas morning and you don't get a gift, but a note that says your gift is in the mail and on it's way to you. A wonderful, amazing gift! And that's why we should never stop thanking and praising God.. for his amazing gifts, even the ones that are yet to come.

Today is a good day

And I can't say that it happens too often. I woke up a little late and rushed to get ready for work but I made it just in time. On most days, that would send me into a downward spiral, but not today. Messy hair, don't care!

I'm relatively happy today and that's a good thing. I have so much to look forward to!

Living with bipolar disorder, it's always THE BEST when you can say you have things to look forward to. Looking to and planning for the future is a great coping skill! Especially when you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm... and most days I do.

When I'm feeling down, I always look for ways in which I can be a blessing to others. Just in general, I like to do 5 things everyday that I think are selfless, centered around others, and overall kind. I'm a HUGE proponent of paying it forward and initiatives that promote it! It makes me feel better... helping others makes me feel good. I know that is hedonistic, I've always thought that. But I'd rather feel self-important for helping others than for other reasons. You feel me??

When I'm feeling up, I like to reach out to those who can identify with feeling down... because I want to lift them up. It's just my personality, what drives me.

If you're feeling a little down, or a lot down, comment below. Reaching out is the first step to feeling better!

Dancing in the rain

Lately, it has been raining a lot. So much so that it's flooding. That's kinda how my brain feels right now...like it's flooding.

There's no doubt in my mind now that a manic episode is brewing. My mind is a jumbled mess! How I look on the outside: calm, collected, and reasonable. How I feel on the inside: happy, sad, and extremely chaotic! I feel like I could dance in the rain, and that's just something I would not normally do. These are my clues.

I hate it when I have to play detective with my own emotions. Like... why am I feeling this way? or what are the consequences of saying/doing this? I try to dissect every thought that I can grasp in my disorganized brain. I interrogate myself in the mirror, wondering what it is that makes me "go bananas" because...let's face it, there often is NO identifiable trigger.

Not unlike most people, my thought life is based on my emotions and subtle reactions to both external and internal stimuli. Vacations make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Work makes me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Reading, writing, music, children... all make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. You see the pattern there? And this is what it's like to live with bipolar disorder.

Utter chaos!!

But if there's one thing I've learned it's that this is all temporary. Whatever I'm feeling in the moment... it's only temporary.

This is the mantra I tell myself on an hourly basis. Because I cannot function without knowing that simple fact. And I often fail at recognizing this in the beginning. I need reminders. And that's when a good support system comes into play. I'm blessed to have people who will remind me that what I'm feeling isn't rational, reasonable, or by any means permanent.

Once I've accepted that fact, I can focus on what will help. And again... I need reminders!!! I am the worst at remembering what worked for me in the past. That's why it's important for everyone, regardless of background, education level, or experience - to document your moods, your sleep, your diet, your exercise. And I've failed at doing that for a while now, but I am determined to do better. And that's because I WANT TO BE WELL! I want to be what my children need me to be. I want to be the wife my husband married. I want to be the kind person I know myself to be. So... I will try. And I will never stop trying.

But for now, I think I shall go dance in the rain...