The predicament of the prevalence of comorbidity with multiple-axis mental illnesses

At the bottom of this post I have lists of links to internet resources about various mental illnesses and the comorbidity of certain disorders.

Keep in mind that the enigmatic web of overlapping symptoms and co-occurring disorders is the very thing that makes accurate diagnostics extremely difficult for professionals. The next time you think a psychologist is getting paid too much to do his/her job, think again! (pun intended)

Symptomatology is a difficult, if not impossible, art to master.
To derive, decipher, and demystify...
It requires an in-depth examination of a WHOLE person, including their life history FROM CONCEPTION. (As a side note: Research now indicates that exposure to stress hormones in the womb DO significantly influence a child's risk of underdevelopment of cognitive functioning including developmental delays, emotion-regulating deficits, and/or affective disorders well into adulthood; prenatal exposure to gluco-corticoids are a key, predisposing factor in regards to pediatric mood disorders.) It can take YEARS... or even an entire lifetime... for any one psychologist to gather enough information about you to make an informed, concrete diagnosis. The intricacy of symptomatology is, in my opinion, the primary reason that being a diagnostician in today's society sucks... it has got to be the most miserable career EVER! House makes it look so easy... (tsk, tsk)

The age-old quest for information regarding evolution (or its non-existence) impede upon our ability to sift through the physiological manifestation of miniscule incongruencies whose discoveries are so desperately necessary to successfully treat any specific disorder. The Nature vs. Nurture debate continues on a more modern stage - a conglomerate of behaviorism, intelligence, psychosocialism, sociocultural conditioning, operant-driven humanism, and archetypical psychoanalysis - founded in the work of great psychologists such as B.F. Skinner, Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Erik Erikson, Alfred Adler, Carl Rogers, Albert Bandura, John Watson, Karen Horney, Jean Piaget, Lawrence Kohlberg, and Abraham Maslow.


Oh, what a tangled web we weave...


I recommend that if you desire to read up about these disorders that you seriously avoid self-diagnosis. Trust me, it happens... more than any individual cares to admit. But, since psychology IS the study of the self - and who better to do it than us - it IS a predictable behavior... one that unfortunately leads to places one does not want to go... BEWARE!


Upon researching these various illnesses, it is quite easy to see how one can feed into another. When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I started surfing the web to find some answers... what IS BPD? I found this wonderful website (BPD Central) with stories from other people diagnosed with BPD and found their testimonials to be eerily similar to my own. I wanted to know WHY I had so much trouble with relationships... WHY, WHY, WHY couldn't I just decide to be better and then BE better? The question never ends, it is something that happens daily in my life, even to this very day. It can feel all-consuming at times, but I've learned some coping skills to help manage the consequences of BPD.

As I began to understand how misunderstood I have always been, and how grossly I misunderstood my situation as being induced by a mental illness, I also poked into information about Bipolar Disorder I - my primary diagnosis. I took note of what my diagnostician told me - that early sexual abuse was predominantly the cause of the BPD and considering my attachment problems, abandonment issues, and intimacy difficulties, it was VERY indicative of sexual abuse as a child. I started to realize a pattern developing across my diagnoses... eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, borderline personality disorder... all can be caused by early sexual abuse.

I have mentioned in previous blog posts about how I had repressed the memory of this abuse to the point that I had convinced myself it never happened. I disagreed with my counselors repeatedly, denying that sexual abuse as a child ever took place. I really believed that was the truth. I continued to search for answers and my journey got tougher. Forced to face the reality of my impulsive decisions and feeling as if I had no reliable person to turn to for guidance or help, I walked a path of self-loathing, hatred, bitterness, resentment, guilt, internal pain & suffering, a deep depression, and an intrinsic tendency to feel like I would never be good enough. I felt completely hopeless, in a state of utter despair. My lack of self-esteem and poor body image caused me to participate in self-mutilating behaviors, self-medication with periodic binge-drinking that led to high-risk sexual activities. I was once drugged and gang raped... I doubt I will ever truly know how many men there were...

Even in a coherent state, my self-esteem was so low that I obliged ANY attention from the opposite gender. I did not enjoy it... but at the time, I tried to convince myself that it felt good because I so desperately wanted to feel good about myself. Women do these things... we want to feel good about ourselves, we motivate ourselves to get dolled up, go out to the club, and demand the special attention of any and/or every male we come across - bloat our ego a little bit - then we insist we are just out to have fun, end up going home with or being taken home by a man we've barely just met who says all the right things at all the right times (to be honest, they sometimes say all the WRONG things, but we dismiss it eagerly because we are only after what we want and we only see things that we think lead up to it), and then we degrade and defile ourselves for a night of clumsy, sweaty, somewhat nasty sex with someone that very well could be infecting us with HIV or another STD, we fall asleep, we wake up in the bed alone, never hear from the guy again, and feel ever worse about ourselves for having believed the guy when he said he wanted to date us... and we feel even WORSE about ourselves for having believed our own lie that we were "just out for a little fun." We loathe, loathe, and loathe some more... drink a little more, get a little more depressed, get the great idea of trying it again in search of momentary relief from our agonizing emotional pain... and the cycle perpetuates.........

You see, some males can be really good at being instinctively predatory. Not that some females can't - some females are more than capable and they practice it often - but some males have a special sense that females do not possess and that is their wonderfully horrible sensitivity to our emotional vulnerabilities. They know how we're feeling, they know that it means they have the upper hand, and they use it to their advantage to get what they want from us and then they leave us in an emotional heap for the next person to come along and "clean up."

The problem is... once that has happened to you, you don't care to trust anyone that comes after.

Now imagine that the first person that you have this experience with... is your very own father.

OUCH!

Big time burn. Men like to prey on our "daddy issues" because they ARE hard-wired to be fathers and hard-wired for sexual activity... but it is extremely dangerous - even life-threatening - for a woman with such vulnerabilities to get mixed up with a predatory man. It can literally leave your life hanging in the balance...

You develop these ideas about your body that aren't even close to the truth. "I'm too fat; I'm too skinny; I'm too short; I'm too tall; My eyes are too far apart; My nose is too big; My knees are too knobby; My ass is too flat; My hair isn't the right color; I have stretch marks on my breasts; My thighs are too flabby; I have too many freckles; My teeth are too crooked; My feet are too manly; My toes are too hairy; My nipples don't hang right; I can't walk like a model; I can't sing like a bird; I don't look like a porn star; I can't wear a bikini; I don't have good skin; etc." Now you change your social habits and places you frequent as a means of self-regulation of your insane ideals concerning your body image. If you don't go to places or hang around people that make you feel uncomfortable, then you shouldn't feel uncomfortable... right?! WRONG! If you have a problem with your own body, if you hate how you look or you're not happy with some physical feature... you are in for trouble because you can run away from others but you cannot run away from yourself. Every time you look in the mirror, you are painfully reminded of how dreadful you are... how unworthy you are... how you will never be good enough... how even if a GOOD MAN did desire to be with you because looks don't matter to him, he wouldn't want you for the fact that you've done horrible, nasty things with too many men - some of them complete strangers!

So, who do you think you end up having a relationship with? The guy that says the things that make him sound like a GOOD MAN, but does all the things that make him a BAD BOY. Most of the time, these relationships are codependent and/or abusive and cause further detriment to your already poor self-image. You lose your trust in him, or at least the tiny bit that you convinced yourself that you had in him, thus losing trust in all men to come in the future. The cycle continues...

Fathers really play a huge role in their child's life - especially their daughters. The way you "love" your daughter or show your daughter affection and care actually CONDITIONS HER at such a subconscious level that EVEN IF she has decided that you were a deadbeat and she doesn't want to marry a man that is anything like you, she is somewhat destined to be drawn to other low-lives... not because she is attracted to it, but because low-lives employ counter-intuitive tactics and make sure they arrive packaged in a divine disguise that perfectly implements their plan to dupe her indefinitely.

Divine Disguise Elaboration: Bad boys come bearing flashy gifts that make them look generous and self-less, a grand sense of self-confidence that borders on cockiness, extreme narcissism passed off as a superior degree of self-awareness, looking responsible on the exterior but guarding secrets that mask their irresponsibility and selfishness, and they sometimes brag about the great achievements in their life which are usually bold-faced lies or flat-out BULLSH*T! To an extent, people only let you see what they want you to see. It takes some fine detective work to find their flaws. As a rule of thumb, if you have to dig deep to find a flaw, it's probably best to walk away RIGHT AWAY. Nobody is perfect... and anyone trying to pass themselves off as being such is probably a total whack job!

So, now our body image is so poor, we make poor decisions concerning our partners and our overall health. We develop eating disorders to bolster our poor self-image and continue living with a perpetual cycle of internal emotional distress. We develop bad habits, unhealthy lifestyles, and drive ourselves into the ground... pretty much guaranteeing that our life will be nothing but rubble and NO PERSON could ever want to love us.

It is in a moment of complete desperation that a GOOD PERSON'S strength of character sparked a glimmer of hope. Continual reminders of how fearfully and wonderfully made EVERY PERSON truly is. Every day, my path growing a little bit brighter, gaining a little more confidence in myself, taking charge of my emotions, taking better care of my body. It is exhausting to live with a mental illness... but what are my other options? It is painful to live with what has happened to me in the past... excruciating! But what are my other options?

Learning about my mental illnesses and how to cope have helped me deal with some of the most pressing issues I've faced since childhood. Some of them have had a greater impact on my life. I survived repeated acts of sexual abuse (my most vivid memory occurred at the age of 6) and then abandonment by my father at age 10. His abuse neither started nor ended with me. He was quite severely mentally ill. The courts didn't think it necessary to penalize him with imprisonment... so they tried to coax him into some self-help. Yeah, right. He was too busy being psychotic and paranoid... abusing my sisters... attempting to kill my mother... imagining that someone was trying to steal his tools... threatening every person in the house, intimidating us daily so that we would do every last thing he commanded of us. He had everyone outside of our home convinced that he was God's gift to the world. To this day, I'm not even sure how he managed to pull that one off. But because I know that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, too, I try harder everyday to be a better person. I could never respect myself if I were to become too much "like him."

I also survived a great deal of sexual abuse and coercion in my young adulthood. Don't get me wrong... I do not for one minute negate my own role in the decision-making process that occurs between 2 consenting adults! But a mentally disturbed person - a person suffering from true psychosis - has little to no control over such things. I could liken the situation to that of a child, a developmentally disabled person, or an incoherent person being asked to partake in a sexual act (degrading or not, aggressive or not) and their acquiescence is somehow unquestionably presumed. Unfortunately, for many people living with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, sexual promiscuity and risk-taking behaviors that lead up to the acts are not only expected but also readily dismissed as a mere symptom of the disorder(s). Having understood the direct correlation between substance abuse/dependence and bipolar disorder, it is easy to see why SO MANY people living with these disorders become sexually promiscuous or partake in high-risk behaviors... even when they are sober, they are not totally coherent. How much more so when they are drinking, or drunk... or otherwise altered?!?!

All of these lead up to more poor decisions, abusive relationships, incarceration, broken families, financial distress, self-mutilation, bad reputation, continuous self-loathing, permanent loss of friendships, self-deprecation, continued self-medication, and a total downward spiral into utter darkness...

Can you imagine how many suicides can be prevented if we (1) show/give our children real love, (2) get to know ourselves, (3) learn to love ourselves, (4) have respect for life, (5) desire good things for ourselves, (6) and then assert ourselves to go after/have those good things...??? I have met SO MANY people with tragic stories like my own. I can't speak for those individuals, but I for one can confidently say that I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM. I refuse to take a back seat to my mental illness. I refuse to let the good things in life pass me by. I refuse to repeat mistakes and forsake lessons I've learned. I refuse to be idle and do nothing. I refuse to let someone else BE THE CHANGE.

And on that note, I'm calling it a night (even though it's morning now - OMG, I've been writing for 4 hours)!! Check out the links below and educate yourself.


EMPOWERMENT * VALIDATION * CONNECTION


Information about Eating Disorders:

Focus Healthcare of Tennessee's Center for Eating Disorders - The Predictors of Eating Disorders

National Eating Disorders Association - Factors That May Contribute to Eating Disorders

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

Mayo Clinic

Focus Healthcare of Tennessee's Center for Eating Disorders - Signs and Symptoms of Eating Disorders




Information about Social Anxiety:

Web MD

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

The Social Anxiety Institute

Mayo Clinic

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Social Anxiety Support



Information about Body Dysmorphic Disorder:

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

Medscape Reference: Drugs, Diseases, & Procedures

Mayo Clinic

PsychCentral - Demystifying Treatment for Body Dysmorphic Disorder

PSychCentral - When the Reflection is Revolting



Information about Bipolar Disorder:

National Institute on Mental Health - U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

Web MD

Mayo Clinic

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance



Information about Borderline Personality Disorder:

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder

Mayo Clinic

VideoJug - Health & Wellbeing - The Effects of BDD







Information about the link between Obesity and Eating Disorders/Social Anxiety:

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

Psychology Today Magazine - Sussex Publishers, LLC. - Archetypes and Eating Disorders and Obesity

Psychology Today Magazine - Sussex Publishers, LLC. - Is Obesity an Eating Disorder?

Science Daily, LLC. - Obese People Can Suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder Due to Weight Alone

About.com

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine



Information about the link between Borderline Personality Disorder and Eating Disorders:

Web MD

Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders

BPD Central - Co-occurring Disorders

About.com






Information about the correlation between Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Suicidality:

The American Journal of Psychiatry - Suicidality in Body Dysmorphic Disorder: A Prospective Study

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine - Suicidality in BDD

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine - Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Attempts in Body Dysmorphic Disorder

VideoJug - Health & Wellbeing - BDD and Suicide Attempts


Information about the relationship between Bipolar Disorder and Suicidality:

Web MD

bpHope Magazine - Straight Talk About Suicide


National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine

Neurotransmitter.net

Suicide.org

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention






Information about the connection between Bipolar Disorder and ADHD:

Psychiatry Weekly - Bipolar Disorder with ADHD: Best Practice and Emerging Treatment Findings

Journal Watch - Massachusetts Medical Society - Adding ADHD to Bipolar Disorder in Adults: A Volatile Mixture

Medscape Reference: Drugs, Diseases, & Procedures



Information about ADHD vs. OCD:

The ADHD Treatment Guide Blog - ADHD vs. OCD: Brain Regions and Bloowflow Patterns

PsychCentral - OCD and ADHD: Is There a Connection?

ADDitude Magazine: Living Well with Attention Deficit - New Hope Media, LLC. - Is It OCD? Or ADD/ADHD?



Information about the comorbidity of Bipolar Disorder:

Medscape Reference: Drugs, Diseases, & Procedures

Manic Musings Magazine - Literary Magazine/Mental Health Reference - Comorbidity in Polar Disorder

National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine



Information about Suicidology:

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - Risk Factors for Suicide

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Medline Plus - U.S. National Library of Medicine - U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - Suicide Prevention

American Association of Suicidology - Suicide Statistics

Psychology Today - Sussex Publishers, LLC. The Six Reasons People Attempt Suicide

A blurb about the stigma surrounding mental illness

In my journey, I have found that when we feel shame in our diagnosis it merely fuels others and may even prompt them to also feel ashamed of us and/or our diagnoses. When you have respect for yourself and life in general, you make it your responsibility to learn about your diagnosis and implement that which you learn so dogmatically that others are forced to either respect you by giving you their full support or show their disregard for you by (sometimes begrudgingly) exiting your life.

If we realize OUR ROLE in this process, it can REDUCE stigma significantly (especially the stigma we each personally experience from those in our surroundings). Our own perceptions and behaviors regarding diagnoses make a HUGE difference in the IMPACT that diagnosis may have on those in our lives AND OTHERS in society at large.

Be proud of who you are (human, like the rest of the world)...
Be secure in where you're headed (recovery!)...
And take responsibility "after the fact" (of being diagnosed) to increase your abilities to cope - not only with your symptoms, but also the stigma-enhancing attitudes of society.

KEEP CALM and CARRY ON!


Take the Pledge to help end the stigma!

http://www.bringchange2mind.org/page/s/pledge

To eat or not to eat... in public?

Many people do not know that I have battled with an eating disorder for many years. Today feels like as good a day as any to divulge that fact.

Since I was 5 years old, I have been labeled morbidly obese. As a child, I don't recall ever eating "so much" that I should have been obese. Not as early as 5 years old, but definitely before age 10 I became very aware of what I was putting in my mouth because I was paranoid that someone would see me eating something and harass me for it. Because of my health condition, I was put on a very strict diet, which was especially important because I was diagnosed with hypertension at age 5 also, but I didn't always stick with it (being a child, it happens). At the time, the doctors were so concerned because my blood pressure greatly exceeded that of my father's (who also had hypertension and was on medication for it) but I was too young for hypertensive medications back then and the only logical approach was to watch my dietary intake of sodium. My mother changed over to some select low-sodium or even sodium-free products such as ketchup - my favorite condiment that I actually consumed far too much of. Unfortunately, this tactic did not have any lasting effects.

I was greatly discouraged from being out in the heat of summer or over-exerting myself by being too physically active (as I recall) because people were afraid I would have a stroke. In fact, as a child, I never argued with this conclusion because I frankly did not care to be active and physical labor repelled me. I was much more of a thinker and spent a lot of time playing alone inside, or sitting at the park merely observing people, creatively writing in the safety of my bedroom, or acting out my dreams of having a "normal family" with my barbie dolls.

It wasn't until I was a young adult (age 19) that I realized my lack of physical exercise contributed GREATLY to my poor health condition. I suddenly became obsessed with working out and did so everyday. I walked 2 miles a day in the community and worked out at the YMCA for nearly 2 hours EVERY SINGLE DAY (when I could afford a membership). I was always into the latest fitness video fads and was a huge fan of the kick-boxing videos "Kick Butt" and Billy Blanks' Tae Bo. I even took up belly dancing for fitness and was a dance-a-holic! Despite all of my attempts at becoming seriously active in life, I consistently gained weight. It was utterly devastating that despite my harsh regimen of working out and my new strict diet of counting calories, I not only didn't LOSE weight, but I GAINED A LOT!

Eventually, I was down to 1300 calories intake but working off 2200+ calories per day. After years of struggling with my weight and trying every fad diet, diet drinks, calorie-controlled diets, and a very restrictive diet of only "living foods"... I was at my heaviest weight ever - nearly 500 pounds! My doctor became VERY concerned and told me not to let my heart rate reach 150 bpm because I was at a very high risk of stroke... at age 19!!! Of course, I had learned that exercise was the only way to change my condition, so I didn't listen to his advice. But I did decide that I shouldn't be allowed to eat... so I began starving myself.

When I did eventually get hungry enough (and weak enough) that eating my own arm sounded like a pretty good idea, I would give in and binge eat........ and purge. I was so disgusted with myself for having eaten, that I didn't even have to force my finger down my throat. It was completely psychological. I would convince myself that I felt sick because I was disgusted with the fact that I ate... and then I wouldn't even be able to choke the vomit back.

It was a ridiculous conclusion that was somewhat fueled by my insecurities and somewhat by society, but I had decided that I was too fat to be ALLOWED to eat. Worse yet, I was convinced that everyone else felt the same way and it became a vicious cycle where I didn't trust ANYONE and I didn't want to eat ANYTHING and I didn't ever want to be thought of as lazy, and I never wanted anyone to see me put anything in my mouth! How dare I give anyone reason to judge me for what I ate and how much of it I ate! That was my thinking...

I went back and forth between such a deep depression that I would compulsively eat ANYTHING in sight - to a manic rush where I would wholeheartedly redetermine my need to starve myself and workout like an insane person with a death wish. After the 4th month of gaining 20 pounds PER MONTH on this regimen, I sought out other options, including gastric bypass surgery, which I later did have done. My body had entered a perpetual starvation mode (I later learned) and THAT is not gonna help anybody lose ANY weight... trust me. My body was packing on the pounds!

Did I mention???? I was also in a very toxic relationship with a man that said he didn't judge me for what I looked like, and claimed he never analyzed what I put in my mouth, but he also told me he could only see himself marrying a woman that weighed 90 pounds. To his credit, he did re-think that idea and came to the conclusion that weight/image wasn't everything... but that was only after I lost 3/4 of my weight and looked like a sickly crack-whore! YES, I SAID IT... I looked like a sickly, little, baggy-skinned crack-whore... and at my lowest weight EVER since age 10... a mere 147 pounds... I was absolutely convinced that I was still a 500-pound COW. I saw myself as a complete eye-sore and wouldn't let anyone's "compliments" get to my head. I began to have the opposite problem, though. I was attracting people alright... the wrong kind of people and the wrong kind of attention for all the wrong reasons. My insecurity drew in all kinds of predatory men with all of their abusive vices and worldly ways. I did NOT like it, and I don't care what any woman tells you, SHE does NOT like being eye-balled like a fresh piece of meat you're about to devour. No, she is just trying to convince herself that it makes her feel good because it's what makes YOU happy. I'll write more about that another time. Back to the story..........

I still struggle with my eating disorder. Not quite so much with binging and purging. After 3 years of chronic vomiting due to my gastric bypass surgery, I am not in any hurry to make myself throw up again. But I do suffer greatly with public eating. If I have any reason to think someone could possibly judge what I'm eating or how much I'm eating, I probably will not eat in front of them. Ever go to lunch with me and wonder why my food sat on my plate until it was cold and the minute you went to the bathroom my food miraculously disappeared? I've become very ninja-like in my eating habits lately! I TRY to blend in with everyone else at lunch time... I TRY to eat without feeling tortured internally... I TRY to let people see me eat just enough that they know I'm not starving myself but not enough for them to judge me... I TRY!! And that's where my hope lies - in trying. I'm not perfect and you might not believe that I really suffer internally when you see me eating publicly, but I play these stupid mind games with myself to be able to manage that... it's a very tumultuous internal battle that I go through and I have stopped expecting people to identify with me unless they've also experienced it for themselves.

Some of my experiences may sound similar to you and you might even think "that's not an eating disorder." But it is. It's very common and it happens to a lot of people, especially people who were bullied as children and ESPECIALLY people who were/are obese. Ask anyone who used to be "big" if they ever cared what people thought about their eating habits. I HIGHLY DOUBT any previously "big person" will tell you that they didn't care one bit, they ate whatever they wanted, however much they wanted, wherever they wanted, as often as they wanted. I bet they were pretty secretive about eating, too. In fact, it is JUST AS COMMON for "fat people" or people who see themselves as being "fat" to starve themselves and develop eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder as it is for a model to develop BDD and subsequent anorexia or bulimia.

The fact is... eating disorders, and the co-occurring body dysmorphic disorders that cause them, are mental illnesses. Sometimes, people forget that because we hesitate to recognize the correlation between thinking, mood, and eating habits. But regardless of what we do to physically change our body's shape, size, and makeup - if we do not change the way we THINK about ourselves, about healthy living, and about food, we will still become a slave to our impulses and desire to "fit in."

Unfortunately, body dysmorphic disorder is very commonly associated with depression and other mood disorders. In fact, for a lot of people, what they look like and how they feel about it greatly determines whether they desire to continue living or not. Many people have taken their own lives because they were unhappy with what they look like. I could go on and on about why people should not compare themselves to others and/or judge themselves in light of what society deems to be "healthy" or "attractive" but I will not divulge into yet another deep topic today.

The main point I wanted to present in this blog post is that we all suffer in varying degrees. We may not all suffer with the same illness. Or we might suffer with a very common illness but for differing reasons. This is part of life, it is part of being human. But it is the individual's desire to be "better," to continue striving for happiness, the urge to find contentment and peace within their own minds and bodies, that drives us to keep searching for answers to these age-old questions of yesteryear: "Will I ever be good enough?" "Am I worth loving?" "Will I ever become something great?" "When will I be happy?" "What will it take to have true peace of mind?"

Speaking for myself, I'm not there yet. I'm still on my journey. I'm still looking for the answers, searching for peace of mind, and trying my best to just get by. And I'm reassured by my progress overall. I look back at how I felt about myself when I was a teen. My, my, my! I was a wreck. A literal wreck. Please stay tuned for a second and even third part to this post... I plan to write about the connection between mental health and my eating disorder, the types of treatment I tried/sought and how well they worked out for me. I also plan to talk about the sexual and physical abuse that caused me to have such a poor self-image. I'm going out on a limb here, people. This is not typical for me to do - share such intimate details with complete strangers - but I feel like it is finally time to do it. Who knows, maybe my peace of mind will come from sharing my experiences with you.

I sure do hope so..................................

this too is love

The way the orange glow of the dimly lit room reflects off of your velveteen skin...

kissing every arch, every nook...

chiseling out a map of finely toned muscles.


The sensuous slope of the curve in your virile neck...

flowing as smooth as silk into that chocolate ocean.


The silence in your trembling touch that gratifies my soul...

giving life to my senses, engaging my spirit...

traps my breath, my looming thoughts, and binds them both within my chest.


(to be continued)

A World Without Money

I have come to realize that people are pretty universal in that when it comes to having money, we often forget to give significance to people. But when the money is gone, we start appreciating the value of the people in our lives and even feel an urgency to invest in them. What then is the gain in living like a rich man? It is when we are the most poor that we start to find value in the things we already have and invest our care and thought in them. In a world where money talks, the heart is seldom heard. Thus, a world without money would not be so bad after all, because it is true that all the best things in life are free: love, friendship, time, inspiration, happiness, and most of all peace.

I believe that a person who values people, even if they become rich, would never know what it’s like to live “the good life” because that person would be too concerned with giving the people they love a good life, rather than squandering it on frivolous material possessions that don’t come equipped with love or joy.

Dream with me, about a world without money… where our only currency was love and everyone had ONLY exactly what they needed to get by… but were rich in compassion and always urgently appreciative.

In a world where there could not possibly be more importance placed on money, the poorest of men stretched out his arms and gave the greatest gift of love that changed the course of history forever. A man who had no concept of spending, spent everything (the only thing) he had, his life, in exchange for a relationship with you and me… and thus beget the definition of the indefinite value of life, love, and friendship. Without a dime to his name, he accomplished a task that rich men only dream will one day be possible for them – to change the world. Could it be that being poor is a blessing in disguise? Are we not more influential when we, those doing without, are seen inheriting the kingdom of God? Did the Bible not say that the last will be first and the first will be last?

Don’t pity the underdog because he is certainly destined for a glorious greatness that the rich can neither fathom nor abduct.


In a world without money…
• No one dies of a curable disease;
• Not a single person goes hungry;
• Every child has a home;
• Christmas sounds less like coins and more like a choir;
• We neither own nor inherit land, we cherish & peaceably share it;
• When a death occurs, we all experience the pain;
• Shoes and a coat are not luxury items;
• Love is not an averted word, radical behavior, undesired gift, or repellent gesture; &
• It truly IS better to give than to receive.

Ironically, I have been working on this blog post for a few weeks, not knowing if my words were eloquent enough to pass on the message that I so desperately wanted to share, and my co-pastor preached about it this last Sunday at church. Pastor Debbie said: “Maybe the reason God doesn’t give me a lot of money is because He knows that I would turn my eyes away from Him; and for that I have to thank Him because I don’t want to lose sight of what He has done for me, no matter what the cost. I can deal with living in lack, if it means that I can maintain my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It is worth far more to me than any wealth this world has to offer.”

In summary, in the words of a wise someone, Jesus is the reason for the season.

Talking to myself

Lately, I have been having trouble knowing what is a dream and what is reality. This is relatively new to me... at least, I've only noticed it within the last 4-5 weeks.

I go about my day as normal, and some conversation comes up about what a person said, and then I recall a very specific conversation that had taken place.... only for it to be debunked by that person and/or others. I have to ask myself, did I DREAM that the conversation took place? Or while having the conversation, is my mind conjuring up things that the person has said even when they have not said them? I'm so confused! It even happens during class periods at school. I try to write down everything that has any significance, because if I do not write it down, I have no actual proof that it was said. But writing things down only proves 1 thing: that I heard it... NOT that it was said. What do I do to resolve this problem?

Other times, I have a very vivid dream but I do not even know it's a dream until later, sometimes MUCH later, when a topic discussed in the dream comes up in conversation with a friend... and I say "oh yeah, I told you that before, blah blah blah" but the friend will tell me "no, you never told me that, it must have been someone else" yet I CLEARLY remember telling the person and even where I was at when I told them. Was it really a dream? Or did I tell someone else that same thing at that same location and my mind just changed the person I was talking to? I'm so frustrated.

The truth is, that I have a lot of conversations with myself. Many times, I try to force myself to think before I speak. That entails imagining having the entire conversation in my head, before I actually have it, to see if there might be a possible argument or problem that will ensue from having that conversation. Here are 2 problems with this: (1) Even when I decide it would be a bad idea to have that conversation and I stop myself from saying the comment that started me thinking about it in the first place... it still feels as though I had that conversation/outcome with the person... this is VERY BAD in my book. And (2) I somehow have been programmed to assume that the other person knows this has happened, too, which has devastating effects on my moods and the relationships with people around me. However, not all of these hypothetical conversations end badly and then the problem becomes... I do NOT have the conversations that I should BECAUSE my mind has imagined that it already took place. One thing I do not understand - how am I able to know this is all happening? I know it is happening but I am unable to act upon that because I always question "is this real?" or "did this really happen?" or "did they really say that?" or "did I already tell them this?" I am befuddled.

This NEW and perplexing problem gets worse everyday. For example, last week I caught myself having these imagined conversations OUT LOUD. Not the entire conversation, but parts of it. I'm sure this is strange to witness... because it is audible and easy enough to overhear me saying it as it usually takes place in public - in school, at the store, in the office. And it is SO random and uncontrollable! I only realize that it is happening when I hear myself talking and then it's like I shake myself out of a daze and then feel embarrassed (or if nobody is around, I am grateful for that fact). In times where people are around, I PRAY I've not said anything too revealing or disturbing about what is going through my head. In some cases, I'm almost sure that people have heard and understood what was going on. But just in general, THIS WORRIES ME!! And a whole new version of social anxiety initiates.

I cannot determine if these incidences are the result of a stressful trigger or my mind's defense mechanism or a mere coping strategy. It is amazing to me - that I know somewhat about it taking place and that I KNOWING about it has not been empowering enough for me to control it or stop it from happening OR EVEN acknowledge when it is happening before I hear myself. For example, I have not yet "caught" myself having these internalized conversations UNTIL I hear myself talking... but they are definitely taking place before I talk out loud. Why am I not aware they are happening until I'm jolted out of the dream-like state by MY OWN VOICE?? Is this a symptom of schizophrenia? I am curious now.

Because I have been having more and more episodes of panic, hallucination, and hearing voices... but without an identifiable cause. Of course, I'm going through a very stressful point in my life at a very troubling time of year/weather, and I have to face some extremely difficult situations recently while trying to manage all that I normally do in a day (which is already stressful as it is)... so that could be considered an identifiable cause... but I'm not sure why my memory is failing me NOW... after all this time, being in school, learning SO MUCH, learning about HOW learning occurs and why it occurs, and even all the memorization and mnemonics that I employ. Why now? I thought that all I've been doing would actually ward off Alzheimer's disease and brain dysfunction... but then why am I dealing with a strange case of amnesia and dementia???? I feel like I am living in an alternate version of reality, every day, and it scares the hell out of me.

I will do my research, as I always do, and I hope to report back any findings or updates. As for now, I'm just riding the wind, and praying that I don't have the wrong imagined conversation with the wrong person in the wrong place...

Massage Experience part II

To continue from the previous post about my massage experience...

I had a follow-up session with the same therapist. Prior to the massage, I was experiencing mild-moderate pain in my upper shoulders/back, stiffness in my neck and shoulders, a dull aching in my lower back, and a reasonable level of anxiety. We tried a slightly different approach... starting with a large heat pad on the upper back/shoulders simultaneously with guided imagery and reiki. The session progressed with back massage and ended with reflexology, as did last time.

The emotional impact didn't seem to be quite as stunning this time, perhaps because I was already feeling distraught when I walked through the doors. But overall, I did feel much less pain and slightly less anxiety when I left. Immediately, there was relief in the areas of tension and pain. I felt as though the relief experienced was having a profound effect on my current stress level, but without the prolonged effects that I experienced last time.

It is typical for me, that my body will become very anticipatory in regards to physical touch. I strongly believe that the guided imagery was an excellent way to evoke the emotional response to correlate with touch and produce a more powerful, lasting effect. While the hot pack did garner extreme comfort and was soothing, it felt like the stimulation from it was contending with my ability to focus my thoughts on the guided imagery. In hind sight, I would prefer to have a soothing, comforting experience near the end of the session, to further calm me before leaving.

The reflexology was wonderful, once again, but it felt too brief, transition to it was slightly abrupt, and it ended in a way that it felt like the sequence got interrupted. That is what happens when time runs out... and although as a client, we hope it never will... a massage just cannot go on forever! If it did, we would not experience the profound effects in each session. We would grow immune to the healing touch... or would we?!

I believe this to be my last experience this year with massage. I strongly feel that continuing with massage therapy is the best option for my well-being right now. I do not anticipate that every person will experience the same results, but I do know that it is very powerful and very healing IF you are prepared to be healed.

With that in mind... please begin to see yourself being healed and believe that, although your symptoms may persist, you CAN become better equipped to handle them... it takes time, willingness, effort, and determination... but you CAN experience periods of symptom-free, stress-free, soothing, enjoyable relief.