And I can't say that it happens too often. I woke up a little late and rushed to get ready for work but I made it just in time. On most days, that would send me into a downward spiral, but not today. Messy hair, don't care!
I'm relatively happy today and that's a good thing. I have so much to look forward to!
Living with bipolar disorder, it's always THE BEST when you can say you have things to look forward to. Looking to and planning for the future is a great coping skill! Especially when you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm... and most days I do.
When I'm feeling down, I always look for ways in which I can be a blessing to others. Just in general, I like to do 5 things everyday that I think are selfless, centered around others, and overall kind. I'm a HUGE proponent of paying it forward and initiatives that promote it! It makes me feel better... helping others makes me feel good. I know that is hedonistic, I've always thought that. But I'd rather feel self-important for helping others than for other reasons. You feel me??
When I'm feeling up, I like to reach out to those who can identify with feeling down... because I want to lift them up. It's just my personality, what drives me.
If you're feeling a little down, or a lot down, comment below. Reaching out is the first step to feeling better!
Friday, May 22, 2020
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Dancing in the rain
Lately, it has been raining a lot. So much so that it's flooding. That's kinda how my brain feels right now...like it's flooding.
There's no doubt in my mind now that a manic episode is brewing. My mind is a jumbled mess! How I look on the outside: calm, collected, and reasonable. How I feel on the inside: happy, sad, and extremely chaotic! I feel like I could dance in the rain, and that's just something I would not normally do. These are my clues.
I hate it when I have to play detective with my own emotions. Like... why am I feeling this way? or what are the consequences of saying/doing this? I try to dissect every thought that I can grasp in my disorganized brain. I interrogate myself in the mirror, wondering what it is that makes me "go bananas" because...let's face it, there often is NO identifiable trigger.
Not unlike most people, my thought life is based on my emotions and subtle reactions to both external and internal stimuli. Vacations make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Work makes me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Reading, writing, music, children... all make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. You see the pattern there? And this is what it's like to live with bipolar disorder.
Utter chaos!!
But if there's one thing I've learned it's that this is all temporary. Whatever I'm feeling in the moment... it's only temporary.
This is the mantra I tell myself on an hourly basis. Because I cannot function without knowing that simple fact. And I often fail at recognizing this in the beginning. I need reminders. And that's when a good support system comes into play. I'm blessed to have people who will remind me that what I'm feeling isn't rational, reasonable, or by any means permanent.
Once I've accepted that fact, I can focus on what will help. And again... I need reminders!!! I am the worst at remembering what worked for me in the past. That's why it's important for everyone, regardless of background, education level, or experience - to document your moods, your sleep, your diet, your exercise. And I've failed at doing that for a while now, but I am determined to do better. And that's because I WANT TO BE WELL! I want to be what my children need me to be. I want to be the wife my husband married. I want to be the kind person I know myself to be. So... I will try. And I will never stop trying.
But for now, I think I shall go dance in the rain...
There's no doubt in my mind now that a manic episode is brewing. My mind is a jumbled mess! How I look on the outside: calm, collected, and reasonable. How I feel on the inside: happy, sad, and extremely chaotic! I feel like I could dance in the rain, and that's just something I would not normally do. These are my clues.
I hate it when I have to play detective with my own emotions. Like... why am I feeling this way? or what are the consequences of saying/doing this? I try to dissect every thought that I can grasp in my disorganized brain. I interrogate myself in the mirror, wondering what it is that makes me "go bananas" because...let's face it, there often is NO identifiable trigger.
Not unlike most people, my thought life is based on my emotions and subtle reactions to both external and internal stimuli. Vacations make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Work makes me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Reading, writing, music, children... all make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. You see the pattern there? And this is what it's like to live with bipolar disorder.
But if there's one thing I've learned it's that this is all temporary. Whatever I'm feeling in the moment... it's only temporary.
This is the mantra I tell myself on an hourly basis. Because I cannot function without knowing that simple fact. And I often fail at recognizing this in the beginning. I need reminders. And that's when a good support system comes into play. I'm blessed to have people who will remind me that what I'm feeling isn't rational, reasonable, or by any means permanent.
Once I've accepted that fact, I can focus on what will help. And again... I need reminders!!! I am the worst at remembering what worked for me in the past. That's why it's important for everyone, regardless of background, education level, or experience - to document your moods, your sleep, your diet, your exercise. And I've failed at doing that for a while now, but I am determined to do better. And that's because I WANT TO BE WELL! I want to be what my children need me to be. I want to be the wife my husband married. I want to be the kind person I know myself to be. So... I will try. And I will never stop trying.
But for now, I think I shall go dance in the rain...
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
I hate it when this happens!
I'm willing to share that I started a new medication 2 weeks ago. I'm tapering off of another to continue this new drug. I can't really tell if there's any improvement. Could be that the dose is too low. My psychiatric NP is amazing and she will have some great insight when I see her in 2 weeks!
In the meantime, I have to 'hang in there.' It's so easy to say that to someone and harder to live it out for yourself! I hate it when this happens... I feel a manic episode coming (or like I'm in one) but I can't stop it from happening. My mind is racing (thanks, anxiety) and my body is literally buzzing. I'm not talking full on manic, swinging from the chandelier, streaking up the road, exploding on a cashier, or spending a million dollars I don't have kind of manic. But somewhat of a less severe episode. Imagine me talking so fast you have to ask me to slow down. I have the urge to spend money but there's none to spend (ha!) and I am purposely trying to stay away from Amazon.com because it's not healthy for me right now. I am not sleeping well and during the day I'm all jittery and jumbled in my head. That's the nicest way to put it. I'm disorganized. Yes, I can write all of this down, and I do - so that I can keep track of my thoughts, feelings, and moods. But I have my limits!
I'm grateful for the support of my family. If not for a loving husband, I'd be suffering a lot of heartache right now. He keeps my head on straight when I can't think for myself and picks me up when I'm lower than dirt. He's my rock and I love that about him!
Despite feeling hypomanic, I am also very sad and my anxiety level is EXTREMELY HIGH. Yes, I have been triggered by recent interpersonal interactions with my ex and nightmares about my past and uncertain future. But there is an underlying, always there, certain level of depression and anxiety that I can't seem to overcome. A family member once told me that everyone feels depressed at some point. I find this kind of response to my sharing as a means of minimizing my experiences. It's not very helpful and leaves me feeling even more empty and disappointed.
To those who are "dealing" with a loved one who is diagnosed with a mental illness, please understand that it is not their responsibility to convince you they are unwell. We are suffering an unimaginable, invisible illness that is unique to each person. You cannot fully understand or comprehend what we are experiencing because you have not experienced it yourself. And we know that. And we understand that you are just not capable of knowing this information. But we do have some sort of expectation that you will support us in our times of desperation. So, if you care, be kind.
In the meantime, I have to 'hang in there.' It's so easy to say that to someone and harder to live it out for yourself! I hate it when this happens... I feel a manic episode coming (or like I'm in one) but I can't stop it from happening. My mind is racing (thanks, anxiety) and my body is literally buzzing. I'm not talking full on manic, swinging from the chandelier, streaking up the road, exploding on a cashier, or spending a million dollars I don't have kind of manic. But somewhat of a less severe episode. Imagine me talking so fast you have to ask me to slow down. I have the urge to spend money but there's none to spend (ha!) and I am purposely trying to stay away from Amazon.com because it's not healthy for me right now. I am not sleeping well and during the day I'm all jittery and jumbled in my head. That's the nicest way to put it. I'm disorganized. Yes, I can write all of this down, and I do - so that I can keep track of my thoughts, feelings, and moods. But I have my limits!
I'm grateful for the support of my family. If not for a loving husband, I'd be suffering a lot of heartache right now. He keeps my head on straight when I can't think for myself and picks me up when I'm lower than dirt. He's my rock and I love that about him!
Despite feeling hypomanic, I am also very sad and my anxiety level is EXTREMELY HIGH. Yes, I have been triggered by recent interpersonal interactions with my ex and nightmares about my past and uncertain future. But there is an underlying, always there, certain level of depression and anxiety that I can't seem to overcome. A family member once told me that everyone feels depressed at some point. I find this kind of response to my sharing as a means of minimizing my experiences. It's not very helpful and leaves me feeling even more empty and disappointed.
To those who are "dealing" with a loved one who is diagnosed with a mental illness, please understand that it is not their responsibility to convince you they are unwell. We are suffering an unimaginable, invisible illness that is unique to each person. You cannot fully understand or comprehend what we are experiencing because you have not experienced it yourself. And we know that. And we understand that you are just not capable of knowing this information. But we do have some sort of expectation that you will support us in our times of desperation. So, if you care, be kind.
Sunday, May 17, 2020
The pandemic has tested my theory
There are few times in my life when I did not have to go to school, do homework, or go to work. But the few times that has happened, have tested my theory about myself: I do not know how to relax.
I cannot tolerate being bored. Some have figured this out about me already. I used to think I'd be a great stay-at-home mom but following the birth of Lydia found out that was not true. I hate being alone at home with little people all day long. Surpring, I know! I used to babysit, be a nanny, and do all sorts of activities with other people's children. Why not my own? Maybe because over time I grew impatient...?? I digress.
I thought that in this pandemic, I'd be super productive and get a lot of organizing done around the house. Wrong-o! I made a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before I went back to work. Lo and behold, of the 30 some things on that list, I got a handful done. I spent most of my time being anxious or depressed, day drinking, and watching movies or Netflix. I can at least say I was able to homeschool, clean the kitchen on almost a daily basis, and I kept up with laundry (even putting the clothes away)! But if you know me, that's simply not enough.
I thrive on accomplishments. My blog is freckled with entries about all of my many accomplishments and accolades. As you can guess, I feel immense guilt about not living up to my own expectations during this pandemic. And the guilt just perpetuated the depression and anxiety.
So many people have had a worsening of psychiatric symptoms during the pandemic so I know I'm not alone. My Facebook feed is full of posts from people who are suffering with depression and anxiety because of COVID-19. This is a novel time for us. The country is basically shut down. There are shelter-in-place orders to stay inside of our homes and when we do have to venture out into public for groceries and supplies, we wear face masks, gloves, and have to maintain a social distance of 6 feet from any other people. Staying in our homes has undoubtedly caused an increase in depression for those who live with it every day. And the mere fact of the virulence of COVID-19 has the anxiety levels of people across the globe in an upward trend. Every day, every hour, the statistics are updated, there are press conferences and official announcements on the TV, and the news repeats all of this information.
American citizens raise arms against each other and march in protest because some want to reopen the country to save the economy and provide jobs for those who cannot pay their bills and are at risk of becoming homeless and some want to continue to shelter-in-place. (At this point the curve has not flattened. Rather, it's near what we assume to be it's peak. In Illinois, each new day becomes the day of the most deaths due to COVID-19.) There is so much grievance among citizens that it feels like we can never attain WORLD peace.
It is no question as to why people are so anxious and depressed. Businesses are closing, people are becoming homeless, and those who die during this period do not get proper funerals. COVID-19 patients cannot be visited and comforted by loved ones and often times die holding the hand of a stranger (nurse) at their bedside in lieu of their spouse and/or children. I cannot even imagine that emotional roller coaster. Even for patients who survive, it's not as easy as "you're healed. Now, go home and spend time with your family." There is still a safety issue at hand and protocols that must be in place to protect others.
Now, back to my post.
I just cannot find it within myself to sit still. Some goals (other than organizing) were studying for my Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Board Certification exam, reading 2 books from cover to cover, reading my Bible daily, praying throughout the day, laundry upkeep, cooking nutritious meals for the family just about every night, downsizing in just about every room of the house, sewing, watching a few Netflix series I have missed due to having no time, and spending quality time with my children. I did not accomplish all of these goals either. But what I did accomplish makes me feel good.
I have not yet found a good balance between busyness and rest. It's all or nothing. Probably due to the bipolar disorder diagnosis... I'm either hypomanic and accomplishing a lot of goals or depressed and lay in bed all day sleeping. A lot of times, my anxiety cripples me to the point that all I can do is lay down and sleep, too. My thoughts race in my head and I struggle to stay sane. Medications only help so much and my mind doesn't respond as well to meds as they used to. Maybe I've grown somewhat tolerant? So, I MUST rely on coping skills. But let me tell you the truth: No matter how many coping skills you've learned or how much you've practiced, it's still A LOT OF WORK to employ them in the heat of the moment. And I find myself failing at it miserably. My husband often reminds me to breathe and tells me to lay down and rest for a while or take my medication, because it's not my instinct to do so. I like to catastrophize. And when I'm in mixed episodes, it's hard to remember to challenge my thoughts.
In summary, I do not know how to be bored. When I feel bored, I often engage in behaviors that are counter-intuitive for my diagnosis. In retrospect, I can recognize these negative behaviors, but because it's after the fact the damage is already done and I'm merely conducting damage control. And damage control is hard during a pandemic. You can't disappear to Target for an hour to gain your composure and find the strength to go home and apologize to your spouse for exploding earlier in the day.
I want you to know that if you struggle with depression or anxiety during this pandemic, whether it's chronic or new, I feel for you and I understand. I can relate. I may not know your exact situation or the circumstances triggering your symptoms, but I do know the feeling of knots in your stomach and pain in your chest because you can't keep a structured routine for yourself or because you feel like a failure for getting nothing done at home when you have all the time in the world to do it. I know how you feel not being able to hug your loved ones, not being able to hug and kiss your mother or grandmother on mother's day! I know how it feels to not be able to celebrate a birthday or a graduation in the traditional manner. I know the depression on Easter morning when there's no family around the table to enjoy a communal meal. I know your pain. I see your suffering.
It's OK if you don't accomplish your to-do list Even the Bible tells us how important it is to rest. Jesus told us to bring our burdens to Him and take rest in the shelter of His protection over us and provision for us in times of despair. I like to read the Psalms every day: Five chapters a day, every day, until I reach the end of the book and then I re-start it again from the beginning. I find comfort in knowing that David, who came long, long before me and even before Jesus, found shelter and rest in God. If you are a Christian, I encourage you to read the Psalms, even just one chapter a day. Some chapters are dark because they are laments. I relate to those because they mirror how I feel in the moment. Yet some are songs of worship for the goodness of God and His provision in the times of desperation.
Whether or not you're a Christian, I encourage you to find at least one hobby that relaxes you. Employ this hobby as a means of distraction, a coping skill. Certainly NOT day drinking or over-indulging in comfort foods which can make matters worse (BTDT). Reading, gardening, yoga, meditation, coloring, writing, praying, zoom meetings with friends, making videos with your children, playing board games with your children, playing video games or online games where you can chat with other people via the internet, cleaning, organizing, etc. It's not a cure by any means, but it's a step in the right direction.
As for me, I'm back working virtually at a NEW JOB YAY! so I'm not as bored as I was a month ago. I'm no longer day drinking and I am taking better care of myself. Situations still come up that cause me stress and anxiety but I'm in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. Hopefully this upward trend is not a sign of a manic episode, only time will tell. But I can assure you that I function much better now that I'm back to work. And for those of you who cannot work, who feel overwhelmed by the boredom, I pray that you, too, will find that you when you go back to work you return to a somewhat "normal" emotional condition.
If you have feelings of depression that lead to thoughts of self-harm or taking your life, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline below:
I cannot tolerate being bored. Some have figured this out about me already. I used to think I'd be a great stay-at-home mom but following the birth of Lydia found out that was not true. I hate being alone at home with little people all day long. Surpring, I know! I used to babysit, be a nanny, and do all sorts of activities with other people's children. Why not my own? Maybe because over time I grew impatient...?? I digress.
I thought that in this pandemic, I'd be super productive and get a lot of organizing done around the house. Wrong-o! I made a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before I went back to work. Lo and behold, of the 30 some things on that list, I got a handful done. I spent most of my time being anxious or depressed, day drinking, and watching movies or Netflix. I can at least say I was able to homeschool, clean the kitchen on almost a daily basis, and I kept up with laundry (even putting the clothes away)! But if you know me, that's simply not enough.
I thrive on accomplishments. My blog is freckled with entries about all of my many accomplishments and accolades. As you can guess, I feel immense guilt about not living up to my own expectations during this pandemic. And the guilt just perpetuated the depression and anxiety.
So many people have had a worsening of psychiatric symptoms during the pandemic so I know I'm not alone. My Facebook feed is full of posts from people who are suffering with depression and anxiety because of COVID-19. This is a novel time for us. The country is basically shut down. There are shelter-in-place orders to stay inside of our homes and when we do have to venture out into public for groceries and supplies, we wear face masks, gloves, and have to maintain a social distance of 6 feet from any other people. Staying in our homes has undoubtedly caused an increase in depression for those who live with it every day. And the mere fact of the virulence of COVID-19 has the anxiety levels of people across the globe in an upward trend. Every day, every hour, the statistics are updated, there are press conferences and official announcements on the TV, and the news repeats all of this information.
American citizens raise arms against each other and march in protest because some want to reopen the country to save the economy and provide jobs for those who cannot pay their bills and are at risk of becoming homeless and some want to continue to shelter-in-place. (At this point the curve has not flattened. Rather, it's near what we assume to be it's peak. In Illinois, each new day becomes the day of the most deaths due to COVID-19.) There is so much grievance among citizens that it feels like we can never attain WORLD peace.
It is no question as to why people are so anxious and depressed. Businesses are closing, people are becoming homeless, and those who die during this period do not get proper funerals. COVID-19 patients cannot be visited and comforted by loved ones and often times die holding the hand of a stranger (nurse) at their bedside in lieu of their spouse and/or children. I cannot even imagine that emotional roller coaster. Even for patients who survive, it's not as easy as "you're healed. Now, go home and spend time with your family." There is still a safety issue at hand and protocols that must be in place to protect others.
Now, back to my post.
I just cannot find it within myself to sit still. Some goals (other than organizing) were studying for my Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Board Certification exam, reading 2 books from cover to cover, reading my Bible daily, praying throughout the day, laundry upkeep, cooking nutritious meals for the family just about every night, downsizing in just about every room of the house, sewing, watching a few Netflix series I have missed due to having no time, and spending quality time with my children. I did not accomplish all of these goals either. But what I did accomplish makes me feel good.
I have not yet found a good balance between busyness and rest. It's all or nothing. Probably due to the bipolar disorder diagnosis... I'm either hypomanic and accomplishing a lot of goals or depressed and lay in bed all day sleeping. A lot of times, my anxiety cripples me to the point that all I can do is lay down and sleep, too. My thoughts race in my head and I struggle to stay sane. Medications only help so much and my mind doesn't respond as well to meds as they used to. Maybe I've grown somewhat tolerant? So, I MUST rely on coping skills. But let me tell you the truth: No matter how many coping skills you've learned or how much you've practiced, it's still A LOT OF WORK to employ them in the heat of the moment. And I find myself failing at it miserably. My husband often reminds me to breathe and tells me to lay down and rest for a while or take my medication, because it's not my instinct to do so. I like to catastrophize. And when I'm in mixed episodes, it's hard to remember to challenge my thoughts.
In summary, I do not know how to be bored. When I feel bored, I often engage in behaviors that are counter-intuitive for my diagnosis. In retrospect, I can recognize these negative behaviors, but because it's after the fact the damage is already done and I'm merely conducting damage control. And damage control is hard during a pandemic. You can't disappear to Target for an hour to gain your composure and find the strength to go home and apologize to your spouse for exploding earlier in the day.
I want you to know that if you struggle with depression or anxiety during this pandemic, whether it's chronic or new, I feel for you and I understand. I can relate. I may not know your exact situation or the circumstances triggering your symptoms, but I do know the feeling of knots in your stomach and pain in your chest because you can't keep a structured routine for yourself or because you feel like a failure for getting nothing done at home when you have all the time in the world to do it. I know how you feel not being able to hug your loved ones, not being able to hug and kiss your mother or grandmother on mother's day! I know how it feels to not be able to celebrate a birthday or a graduation in the traditional manner. I know the depression on Easter morning when there's no family around the table to enjoy a communal meal. I know your pain. I see your suffering.
It's OK if you don't accomplish your to-do list Even the Bible tells us how important it is to rest. Jesus told us to bring our burdens to Him and take rest in the shelter of His protection over us and provision for us in times of despair. I like to read the Psalms every day: Five chapters a day, every day, until I reach the end of the book and then I re-start it again from the beginning. I find comfort in knowing that David, who came long, long before me and even before Jesus, found shelter and rest in God. If you are a Christian, I encourage you to read the Psalms, even just one chapter a day. Some chapters are dark because they are laments. I relate to those because they mirror how I feel in the moment. Yet some are songs of worship for the goodness of God and His provision in the times of desperation.
Whether or not you're a Christian, I encourage you to find at least one hobby that relaxes you. Employ this hobby as a means of distraction, a coping skill. Certainly NOT day drinking or over-indulging in comfort foods which can make matters worse (BTDT). Reading, gardening, yoga, meditation, coloring, writing, praying, zoom meetings with friends, making videos with your children, playing board games with your children, playing video games or online games where you can chat with other people via the internet, cleaning, organizing, etc. It's not a cure by any means, but it's a step in the right direction.
As for me, I'm back working virtually at a NEW JOB YAY! so I'm not as bored as I was a month ago. I'm no longer day drinking and I am taking better care of myself. Situations still come up that cause me stress and anxiety but I'm in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. Hopefully this upward trend is not a sign of a manic episode, only time will tell. But I can assure you that I function much better now that I'm back to work. And for those of you who cannot work, who feel overwhelmed by the boredom, I pray that you, too, will find that you when you go back to work you return to a somewhat "normal" emotional condition.
If you have feelings of depression that lead to thoughts of self-harm or taking your life, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline below:
Thursday, May 24, 2018
I did it!
I have achieved my 1 year goal...I finished the second phase of nursing school.
I worked very hard. Most of my coursework was completed while working a job. I also did both (work and school) with a toddler at home! Even on vacation, I chugged away at my homework.
Not only did I graduate from the program, but I was able to achieve a CGPA of 3.59 which prepares me for entrance in a competitive masters degree program to become a psychiatric-mental health nurse practitioner (PMHNP).
I could not be more pleased with myself at this point in my life. Do you know how hard it is to maintain a job, a family life, and full-time coursework in nursing school having bipolar disorder?!?!? Extremely challenging!!
But I did it.
Only by the grace of God, I must add. All praise and honor be to Him for giving me the patience, the strength, the courage, and the ability to advance my career! I will not soon forget his grace upon me!!
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Excitement brewing
First of all - good news! I found the perfect job... safer, less stressful, and fewer hours. Just what I wanted and still in the mental health field!! Yay for me!!! All those prayers were answered and the hard work paid off. It was nice to have some time with my children this summer and fall but I'm ready to get back to the grind.
I also attended my very first ever girls' trip! It was amazing! I laughed, I cried, I danced, I sang, sat in the hot tub all night... it truly was refreshing. We all made crafts before checkout time on Sunday and it truly was a very soothing environment.
Now, I have 1 week of training for the new job before I leave for vacation in Tennessee! Every year, my sister and her friends take a week long trip around this time of year to celebrate her late son's birthday (he committed suicide in 2010) and to memorialize his girlfriend (who committed suicide on his birthday - October 21 - in 2010 as well). Both families have become friends and they go on many trips together and partake in activities for suicide prevention efforts. They have a scholarship as well at the high school where they attended. And every year, we walk for suicide prevention in September. I've never been able to go on these trips because I couldn't afford to go to Cancun or Hawaii, as they usually do go out of the country or on a cruise. This year, they are travelling to Tennessee and renting a house. It will be very interesting to see how everyone gets along for an entire 9 day trip!
THEN, in mid-November, our family of 4 is taking a quick trip to the Wisconsin Dells. This will be Lydia's first time going to a water park resort and her first time in the Dells. Dugann is super excited to go - even though he won't go into the water slides or wave pool.
There is so much for me to look forward to right now. It somehow feels like an adrenaline rush. I am just hoping I don't bottom out in November and fall into a deep depression. I need to stay positive and on track with my new job!
I am SO BLESSED!
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Should you tell your employer about your diagnosis?
Bipolar disorder (BPD) is just one of various mental illnesses that can affect you in the workplace. A study conducted by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance concluded that 88% of participants (who were diagnosed with either BPD or depression) admitted that their condition affected their ability to work." However, the law protects you if you are diagnosed with a mental illness that impairs your ability to work.
Borchard of Psychcentral states that "the World Health Organization predicts that by 2020, mental illness will be the second leading cause of disability worldwide, after heart disease [and] major mental disorders cost the nation at least $193 billion annually in lost earnings alone, according to a new study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health." According to Forbes, "[u]nder the Americans with Disabilities Act, a person with a disability is not required to disclose it unless seeking an accommodation at work." While some people may require some accommodations, most people find that they do not need them. Forbes further reports that "[a] survey conducted by the Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation at Boston University found that 73% of 500 professionals previously diagnosed with a psychiatric illness were able to maintain full-time employment in their chosen fields, including nurses, executives, lawyers, professors and newspaper reporters." This brings up the dilemma, to tell or not to tell.
Regardless whether you disclose the BPD diagnosis to your employer or not, you are protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act. This piece of legislature is in place to guarantee that you are not discriminated against. An employer cannot fire you or lay you off because they learn of your diagnosis of a mental illness. Just as they would not penalize a person for being a diabetic, they cannot penalize you for your illness. And if they try, you can - and should - seek legal counsel.
Many blogs and websites attempt to give advice on this topic but they pretty much fail at doing so. And here's the reason: you can't advise someone (in this economic climate) to be as open as we would like to be. Being open and honest with your employer, disclosing a diagnosis of BPD, could help fight against the stigma surrounding mental illness. In fact, if you are a good worker, then this is exactly what it should do - reduce stigma. But not all employers are sympathetic or educated on the matter. Some choose to be ignorant of issues surrounding mental health, ignoring the magnitude of its effects. In these cases, opening up about your illness could create a climate of scrutiny and/or hostility in the workplace.
And it's not just your employers you have to worry about - it can be your coworkers. How much is too much to reveal to a colleague? Well, that depends. How well can they be trusted?
This is a timely topic for myself, as I am seeking employment. Rest assured, though, that my digital footprint all but alleviates this situation. The truth of the matter is, if someone wants to know about my diagnosis, they're going to find out. I've invited that risk already, by hosting this blog without using an alias. And my reason? Because I believe it's time to end the stigma against people suffering with mental illness. We need to create a culture that supports and sympathizes with those who suffer daily. We need to raise people's awareness of what we go through - to help them help us - to help them understand. Instead of sitting idly by and allowing the stigma to perpetuate, we can do something about it.
I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since the age of 19. I've lived and suffered through many ordeals related to my diagnosis. The path of recovery is not always straight. It is not always moving forward. Sometimes, it takes you back. But you have to keep striving for your goals. And this is what I have done. Every day that I wake up, I say to myself "how am I going to achieve my goals?" And the answer?? Hard work. Nothing in my life comes easy. And if you ask the millions of employed Americans with a diagnosis of BPD, they would tell you the same. But we do it. We push through it. We not only manage our illness, we make strides. We not only survive, we can thrive!
But how does a flower blossom if not in the light? This is why I share.
Do I tell my employers about my diagnosis? Yes and no. Each situation is different. It has come back to bite me in the ass a time or two. What you do is all up to you...
Please share in the comments what you think? Would you disclose? Should you disclose? Why or why not?
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