Balance

It's shocking how quickly things can change. After all, that's why they call it "rapid cycling" bipolar disorder. And because it varies from person to person and from one episode to the next, there's never a dull moment. Let me explain.

At first glance, it seemed like I went from even keel to manic overnight. While my condition did take a sharp left turn at some point over the last week, hind sight tells me that my manic episode has been amping up for at least a month now. I missed the early warning signs and truth be told, that's because it's been so very long that I've been this manic. Maybe 8 years!! Yes, I've weathered ups and downs and if there was a graph to show where I was mood-wise each day, you'd certainly see the "sharpness" I reference. But even with these variations, my mood has neither been extremely low nor extremely high at any given point in time in recent years. Of course, this is all relative.

Frankly, I'm scared. You heard me. I'm scared. You'd expect me to feel good if my mood was elevated, but no, I'm not. Something doesn't sit right with me and I know it. I'm not myself and I know it. For a time, I've felt very "normal" or "even keel" or "baseline" whatever wording you choose - which isn't my norm. I'm grateful for that! But that has changed recently and I'm just now putting all of the pieces together.

What you see: A person who is well put-together "given the circumstances," who appears to be less human than others. Someone that tackles "things" all by themself, who doesn't put their trust in others. Outspoken and unafraid to share their opinions. A thrill seeker. Who uncovers a new dream or discovers a new hobby. Driven. Accomplished. Extremely productive and at a very fast rate. Humble. Or perhaps an expert multi-tasker who is struggling to maintain focus. Who talks too much. Makes a big deal about the smallest details. A micro-manager. Someone who is always busy. Who constantly seeks acknowledgment and reassurance for a job well done or that they're doing the right thing. An Irish temper. Someone who doesn't really know what they want or what they like. A procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. Someone who doesn't know when it's time to ask for help.

What it both is and leads to, in a never-ending cycle, over and over again, at the speed of light: Overwhelming guilt. Self-deprication. Memory problems. Fatigue. Relationship strain. Making frequent mistakes because you're moving too fast. And of course, depression.

Somehow, I managed to find a place in-between where I jived for a while... a place I like to call the BALANCE. Yes, a balancing act of both the ups and downs, the good and bad, the sane and insane. Somewhere right in the middle, that's the sweet spot. Many people have achieved this; I'm no pioneer. But somehow, I've gone astraw. And somehow, I have to get back there.

So, if you know me, then you know that I will bounce back. But as they say, it's going to take some love, patience, and time.

A Small Success

You're supposed to celebrate even the smallest of successes, so here's the success I would like to celebrate. Although I've been angry and severely depressed at times, I've been a lot more even since starting my new medication with the dose increase. Yay!!! There's still kinks to work out and nothing is perfect, but I know it's nothing I can't overcome!

I have had some very turbulent things happen to me these last few months (what else is new, eh?!) and I'm proud to say I've made it through them thus far. I could not have done it without the help of my supportive people - my mom, my husband, my children, my coworkers, Carol, Kristy. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my psychiatric nurse practitioner has left the practice and the person I trusted with my meds for years is no longer there to guide me. My new doctor does not listen to me at all which makes treatment very difficult. I weathered my 18-yr old son telling me he didn't want to see me anymore, a COVID scare, a broken right knee, and a herniated disc in my low back. I've had many anxiety attacks along the way, which is embarrassing at best. I've suffered from sleep deprivation at times (due to pain and grief and an occasional episode of night terrors). Some of my family members are enduring very serious medical conditions as of late which causes me a great deal of sadness and my marriage has been strained by a combination of all of these factors.

Is this deja vu?!

I feel like there's a pattern lying somewhere hidden here. I certainly didn't have much control over my NP leaving the practice, but I feel like I could have prevented the others from happening. I feel so guilty for not realizing that sooner. My saving grace is that I have managed to weather all of this without returning to previous maladaptive coping mechanisms.

Adulting sucks!

Adulting means taking ownership and responsibility for the things in your life that you manufacture with your choices and happen to be things that you can make the choice to change. Choices, choices, choices... Such is life!

And so today, although I could choose to be negative about all of the challenges, I choose positivity. I choose acceptance. I choose to rise to the occasion and take matters into my own hands. I will not be tricked into thinking I have no control over what happens to me. I refuse to believe the lies of the Devil and I choose to move forward in faith and with hope in my chest knowing that I can do hard things!!!

Another mixed episode?

I’m not feeling very well lately. It’s like I’m jumping out of my skin...a feeling that my body will explode at any moment!! My heart is racing and my mind can’t stop overthinking things. Over analyzing is driving me nuts and making me think I’m going insane.

I've also been varying between this intense feeling and severe depression. A depression so deep that my thoughts have been suicidal and had urges to self-harm on several occasions. It's sad because I feel like a hypocrite due to my career in psychiatric nursing. Am I taking on too much of my patients' burdens?? Or am I just so broken that I can't help myself in ways that I help others??

While I can identify some triggers for my intense emotions, these triggers are unavoidable, so it's unlikely that the situation will change any time soon. All I can change is how I react to these situations... and that's just fucking hard. Even more sad, I know for a fact that I've over-reacted and over-analyzed on too many occasions to count and lost absolute control over my behaviors at times. I've had breakdowns at work - one was very embarrassing and witnessed by my boss. I feel guilty and humiliated for having these occurrences/relapses but all I can do is forgive myself and keep moving forward. Far easier said than done.

I know there must be millions of people out there who can identify with my feelings and thoughts. I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Anxiety & Irritability

Does anxiety make you irritable? It certainly can. Irritability is just one of the many ways that anxiety manifests. And it's absolutely true for me.

The problem with that is people don't often recognize irritability as a manifestation of anxiety. I have been accused of "just being a bitch." And while my personality borders on the bitchy side, my anxiety definitely contributes to that. I think the difference between someone who is bitchy is that they choose to be that way. With anxiety, you get no choice. It's a knee-jerk reaction - an over-reaction - to the environment due to the internal stimuli. It can take an insurmountable amount of time to master the skill of controlling your reactions when anxiety is at play.

What people see is someone who cannot keep her cool, is always yelling, and has no compassion. What they cannot see is what's going on inside of my head. They don't know that I'm actually suffering a painful existence with the alternate reality that my anxiety has created. It's as if someone is following you around constantly reminding you of every possible disaster that could happen, making you question everything in the environment. Am I going to die? Is my child going to fall off the balcony? Will I lose my job if I call in sick, even though I'm actually sick?? All of these thoughts and more bombard me from moment to moment, every single day of my life.

So, if I ever come across to you as rude, cold, indifferent, angry, irritable, distant, restless, or a combination of any of those, please know that it's not you (or at least, I hope it's not you). It's me. And chances are, I know that already. And I guarantee you that I'm trying! Please be patient with me and give me some grace. Thanks in advance!!

Med trial

So, I'm still slowly tapering off of one medication which I've been on for a long time. And I'm increasing my dose of the new medication. I haven't noticed a change so far but we shall see. My nurse practitioner also changed my sleep medication to a longer-acting med to see if that will keep me asleep at night because I've been waking up between midnight and 2AM wide awake with anxiety!

This is just a reminder that meds often need to be tweaked. Whether it's because your body has grown tolerant to a certain medication, your body chemistry has changed over time, or because of circumstances that cause you to be especially triggered, such as in an acute episode. I think my situation is a combination of all 3 of those things and I'm hoping these changes will garner results.

In my blog, you will notice that I don't mention names of medications I'm taking. That is not because I'm secretive or don't want my business out there. It's intentional. I don't like to recommend medications to people because 1. another person's body might not respond to a medication the way mine does and 2. I'm not a doctor and cannot prescribe medications to someone.

While it's great to be knowledgeable about the options out there and it's a good idea to bring your own ideas to your provider, some providers may find it offensive when you recommend a treatment for yourself. But it's best to be your own advocate! When it comes to mental health, you cannot afford not to be aware of the options for treatment. You should be just as much a partner in the decision-making as possible.

L. O. V. E.

Sunday was my 7th wedding anniversary! Mmmmm love. I am SO blessed to have a loving, supportive husband. When I'm suffering with mania, he is never quick to judge and when I'm in the depths of depression, he is there with me, to be with me and show me I'm not alone.

That's the kind of relationship I wish everyone had. I know there are a lot of unhealthy relationships in the world and it's so much harder with the prevalence of mental illness. Quite unintentionally, I make it a lot harder for my husband to continue to show me unconditional love. But that does not make me unlovable!! Frankly, it's the nature of the beast.

Over time, I have been able to adapt and rein in a lot of my wild fantasies about what a relationship should look like. I had always imagined a person who would be there with me, to walk beside me, to be a comforting force in my life. But I had never witnessed that in real life so I thought it was all just a dream, a fantasy.

Growing up with an abusive father was torture. Not just because of how he treated me, but because of how I watched him treat my mother. I had always vowed never to be in a relationship as manipulative and controlling as the one I witnessed everyday. I was actually relieved when he abandoned me at the age of 10. He set the bar so incredibly low, that when I started having relationships of my own, I had no idea what I was looking for.

I made some big mistakes in my past, ones that shaped my future, ones that haunt me every day. Most of them stemmed from bad relationships! That's not to put the blame on my counterparts... a relationship is two-sided, not one.

It came as no surprise to my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because he said (and I've done some research) that it's very common among young women who were molested or abandoned as children. That violation of trust early on can lead to a sense of loss and loneliness that carves deep wounds into the soul of a child. BPD manifests as the "I hate you don't leave me" syndrome. You are prone to behave in ways that push your loved ones away, but once they're halfway out the door, you realize you don't want to do life without them and struggle to get them back. I've learned as I've grown to recognize this trait that developed as a defense mechanism. It's your mind's desperate attempt to avoid being hurt or feeling that deep sense of abandonment. It's counterintuitive though! Sometimes, I have come to realize that defense much too late and sent my relationships (even with the good guys) into a tailspin that would undoubtedly end in heartache.

Until I met my husband, that is...

When I met my husband, I learned what it really felt like to be loved for who I was, not my diagnosis. Having well known my past (because we talked about everything), he was able to understand the motives behind my behavior. He understood that I sometimes act out of the need to protect myself, self-preservation. He knew I'd try to put up walls to keep him out and that I would refrain from being vulnerable to him when I felt like things could come crashing down on me. He learned that I would try to push him away before he could hurt me. And he knew better than to abuse me, belittle me, or desert me like my father had. He knew how to love me.

What I find amazing about my husband is that he actually learned a healthy way of loving despite not having a mother. He didn't get to watch the love between his father and mother blossom as he grew up. Yet, somehow, out of all of the tragedy in his childhood, he was able to learn to be a loving person, and how to be loved in return. That was also something I have struggled with over the years - and still do - to just let someone love me. Until I met my husband.

When I met my husband, it was like meeting someone that only existed in my dreams. He's sweet, cute, funny, kind, loving, jovial, respectful, responsible, and just in general a good guy. He's everything you could want in a counterpart, with none of the ugliness I had experienced before. I am beyond blessed to call myself his wife.

And sometimes that simple fact is what drives me. It fuels my love for him, yes, but also fuels my love for myself. If he can see me for who and what I am, and still love me, then I must be someone worth loving. Right? That's how my relationship with God began, too. Much in the same way, I learned in the Bible about God's love for us and how He sees us, knows everything about us, knows our strengths and our weaknesses, and still chooses to love us.


Love is a choice.

I choose love for my husband every single day. I know he does the same for me. My husband has been nothing less of a constant reminder of God's love for me. And I'm so grateful to have a godly husband to look after and take care of me... in sickness AND in health. That means I don't just count on him to be there for me when I'm depressed or manic. I am continuing to learn how to be faithful in love to him in the good times, too. When it's easy to say "I got this on my own" and hit the road... I don't. I know that he will also struggle from time to time, not unlike other human beings who are living and breathing. It's my duty to be there for him in sickness and in health, too.

That is hard. Because when you're mentally ill, specifically with BPD, you tend to set the focus on yourself - what you need - not what someone else needs. You have to learn to set that defense mechanism aside. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your counterpart. In doing so, you learn a lot about yourself. And in doing so, it makes you a lot more likely to love in the purest fashion.

I could go on and on about how wonderful my husband is, but here's the truth: it takes teamwork. To manufacture a strong, healthy relationship, it takes two separate people willing to set aside their separate preservations and commit to supporting each other fully in order to become one. Sounds so simple, but it's anything but simple. Even the best people have imperfections. There is no perfect counterpart, just two imperfect people who learn together how to love each other, who choose daily to love each other, and who remain faithful to that L.O.V.E.

I am always happy to share that I am still completely, wholeheartedly, and unimaginably in love with my husband. Cheers to 7 years!! Here's to making it last!

A big blue hump

Today, I'm in a slump. It's a bit of a big blue hump day for me. But I realized around 1pm that I had forgotten to take my morning meds. I hate when that happens (and it doesn't happen very often). I have come to recognize that when I'm feeling a bit down it's because I've forgotten. Or something has triggered me - one of the two.

I want to speak to those of you who do take daily psychiatric meds. As of 2016, 1 in 6 Americans take some form of psych meds. And while that's an alarming amount, it's probably not nearly enough considering that 1 in 4 (adult) Americans suffers with a mental illness. This does not include adolescents and children (and yes, they too take psych meds).

I find that people tend to feel ashamed of not only their diagnosis of a mental illness but also their need to take psychiatric medications. I want to be the first to say - THERE IS NO SHAME IN TAKING PSYCH MEDS. In fact, I'd rather take psych meds than not... BTDT!

There are a lot of factors to consider when taking psych meds.

Below is a list of some of the common detractors:
Side effects such as nausea, weight gain, and adverse reactions (among others)
Inconvenience (time of day is not ideal, etc.)
Cost (some psych meds cost more than $1k per month!)
Route (oral - difficulty swallowing, injection - fear of needles/pain)
Stigma

There is a genetic testing that will now help identify some medications in each class which *might* work well for you. There isn't a lot of research about it, but what's out there looks somewhat promising. The test is completed by collecting an oral swab sample and sent to a lab for processing. The test is generally not covered by insurance, although more and more insurance companies are covering it these days. Most people report that they paid approx. $300 as their portion and the insurance covered the rest (it's a very expensive test).

This is good news for those who do not want the hassle of the trial and error that often comes with introducing psychiatric medications as part of the treatment of a mental illness. I suggest asking your psychiatrist or nurse practitioner about your options for genetic testing and if it is a service they provide.

As for me, I will spend this dreary, rainy evening in reflection. Reflection is a great coping skill and helps to problem solve for future episodes. While today is not a depressive episode (after all, it's just one day), I am feeling a little blue so some self-care and Chinese food are definitely in my future!