Thursday, May 19, 2022
Here I grow again!
God won't give you more than you can handle. While it's hard right now, I do believe that there is a bigger, better plan that God has for me. There just has to be.
Last November, something terrible happened. An accident. I suffered a concussion and post concussive syndrome. I was out of work for 3 months consecutively. My back was injured during the accident as well. When I started transitioning back to work, I was miserable with migraines daily and my back pain increased significantly to the point that I am unable to function normally. I had to go on another leave of absence. It's been 7 weeks since my last day of work and I'm growing more frustrated and stressed. The process of getting treatment for my back is very busy and tiring. There have been days I wanted to quit, days I didn't get out of bed, a few weeks of utter darkness.
I am sad and grieving the loss of a normal life I cannot play with my 6-year-old daughter. I cannot work. I cannot dance. I cannot bear sitting in a car for long periods of time. I even dread the thought of being in a car due to PTSD and anxiety now; driving is torture. I cannot shop (thank God for order pick-up.) I cannot stand or sit for long periods of time. Every position is painful, every movement painful. I do not get relief. What I do get is immense guilt for the life I cannot give my daughter and constant worry for what the future holds.
You can imagine how mentally exhausting this can be. Physical health plays a role in mental health. Chronic health problems and traumatic events lead to depression and anxiety. This is where I'm at right now... every day spent ruminating about the accident, angry that a young person's mistake has led to this. I worry about job loss and loss of bodily function, wondering what the future holds for me as a nurse. And to be honest, I'm just not sure anymore. Maybe it's time to move onto something else? Or maybe it's time to move up a step on this career ladder? I'm so torn. I know I am capable of enduring this hardship and seeing what God has in store for me. So I press on...
I press on because I have so much gratitude. I'm grateful that this accident wasn't worse, that it didn't happen somewhere else, that my family was not in the car with me, that I am getting the healthcare that I deserve, that I have just a few people who understand my condition and the havoc it's caused in my life. I'm grateful for time to study, research, reflect, and grow. Every challenge comes with an opportunity to overcome great adversity with thanksgiving and praise. And I am one that does not like to pass up on opportunities. So I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I give this over to God.
Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for peace, until Your will comes to pass. You are good. Your ways are good. You have planned for me an expected end. You will cause me to rise above on wings as an eagle. You will right the wrongs that have been done against me. You will cast down my enemies. You will give me rest. I declare that my life will be a testament of Your love and forgiveness. Thank You for Your goodness and mercy! Thank You that Your mercy is new every day, despite my sinful nature, You are showering me with Your love. Thank You that you can give me the strength to forgive. Thank You that You exchange my anger for grace even though my anger is justified. Thank You for sending Your healing power to touch me and make me whole again. Thank You for causing me to prosper. Thank You for joy in a time of great sorrow. Thank You for keeping my family safe and for bringing us good news. Thank You for constantly keeping the Devil at bay and protecting me from temptation to wander from You and doubt Your power and willingness to free me from this situation. Thank You for allowing me the faculties to know what I know and for the motivation to do what I do. Thank You for sending Your Holy Spirit to break my heart for You. I love you, Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Redemption
Waking up in the morn feelin' like a newbie.
Saving grace caught me up now it has me snoozing.
Yesterday was hard but now today is so brand new and
I cannot say enough how grateful I am to Him.
Thank you, Jesus, living, breathing, loving is a blessing
Take these hands and feet I'm saying use 'em as a blessing
Compromising leads to sin, I'm not the exception
Lead me on the path of righteousness and redemption.
Saving grace caught me up now it has me snoozing.
Yesterday was hard but now today is so brand new and
I cannot say enough how grateful I am to Him.
Thank you, Jesus, living, breathing, loving is a blessing
Take these hands and feet I'm saying use 'em as a blessing
Compromising leads to sin, I'm not the exception
Lead me on the path of righteousness and redemption.
Thursday, February 4, 2021
Meet me in the middle
This post is coming 2 days after symptoms have improved. I have been feeling much more even for the last 2 days. Back to baseline for the most part. There's always 1 or 2 kinks in the mix but I feel like I'm past this cyclic episode.
What I've learned and/or changed this last month:
1. I need to ensure I'm getting enough sleep!
2. I need to avoid any triggers of anxiety.
3. When my anxiety starts, do a grounding exercise, pray, read Scripture, and/or look for positivity memes and quotes online. Listening to relaxing or uplifting and inspiring music at the same time can help. This gets my mind back on track for a moment.
4. Then I have to get up and do something! Anything will do but something that can be done with my hands is best. Examples include blogging, organizing, folding laundry, cooking, arts/crafts, sewing, etc. If I try to read, watch TV, or listen to music on its own, I will spiral out of control into the world my anxiety creates in my mind.
5. And most importantly - because none of this will work unless I do this consistently and repeatedly - challenge my thoughts!
Although the exercises and activities might be a little different, this is exactly how I deal with my depression. I think most people forget that they have to also challenge their thoughts. It's easy to do when you're caught up in the whirling dervish that is the anxious mind.
Here are some questions to ask yourself when feeling anxious:
Is this a real or perceived threat?
Is this something I can control?
If I cannot control it, what purpose does it serve to worry about it?
If I can control it, what am I doing about it?
How am I really feeling about this concern?
What can I do right now to make myself feel better?
What is preventing me from doing this?
I find that if my worry serves a purpose, that I need to funnel my energy into it rather than worrying about it. For example: if you worry about your child getting into a car accident/hit by a drunk driver, get involved with MADD (mother's against drunk driving). Much like when someone has a traumatic experience and later becomes involved in organizational efforts that champion those causes. Do it pre-emptively!
No Thought Left Behind
With anxiety comes all of the negative self-talk which needs to be challenged as well. You will find it easier to do this as you practice it daily. The more often you do this, the better because it does not come naturally to most to speak positive words over yourself. As they say, we are our own worst critics. Negative chatter in our minds is detrimental and causes so many distressing emotions, making life insufferable. I'd like for you to follow this link, take a minute, and read more about positive thinking from the Mayo Clinic: Click Here.
Starting each day with 1 positive thought can get your day off on the right foot, changes your attitude, and gives you a better perspective. I like to start my day with a thought of gratitude such as a "Thank you" prayer. I prefer to practice gratitude at the beginning of the day because it does frame my thoughts throughout the day. You can keep a gratitude journal. Journaling helps to reflect on positive things that happened to you throughout the day and even make a bullet list of things you're grateful for.
Please see my previous posts about positive psychology for more information about this topic.
Bottom line is that I need to keep on keepin' on challenging these negative thoughts that play on a constant loop in my mind. I'm getting there...
What I've learned and/or changed this last month:
1. I need to ensure I'm getting enough sleep!
2. I need to avoid any triggers of anxiety.
3. When my anxiety starts, do a grounding exercise, pray, read Scripture, and/or look for positivity memes and quotes online. Listening to relaxing or uplifting and inspiring music at the same time can help. This gets my mind back on track for a moment.
4. Then I have to get up and do something! Anything will do but something that can be done with my hands is best. Examples include blogging, organizing, folding laundry, cooking, arts/crafts, sewing, etc. If I try to read, watch TV, or listen to music on its own, I will spiral out of control into the world my anxiety creates in my mind.
5. And most importantly - because none of this will work unless I do this consistently and repeatedly - challenge my thoughts!
Although the exercises and activities might be a little different, this is exactly how I deal with my depression. I think most people forget that they have to also challenge their thoughts. It's easy to do when you're caught up in the whirling dervish that is the anxious mind.
Here are some questions to ask yourself when feeling anxious:
Is this a real or perceived threat?
Is this something I can control?
If I cannot control it, what purpose does it serve to worry about it?
If I can control it, what am I doing about it?
How am I really feeling about this concern?
What can I do right now to make myself feel better?
What is preventing me from doing this?
I find that if my worry serves a purpose, that I need to funnel my energy into it rather than worrying about it. For example: if you worry about your child getting into a car accident/hit by a drunk driver, get involved with MADD (mother's against drunk driving). Much like when someone has a traumatic experience and later becomes involved in organizational efforts that champion those causes. Do it pre-emptively!
With anxiety comes all of the negative self-talk which needs to be challenged as well. You will find it easier to do this as you practice it daily. The more often you do this, the better because it does not come naturally to most to speak positive words over yourself. As they say, we are our own worst critics. Negative chatter in our minds is detrimental and causes so many distressing emotions, making life insufferable. I'd like for you to follow this link, take a minute, and read more about positive thinking from the Mayo Clinic: Click Here.
Starting each day with 1 positive thought can get your day off on the right foot, changes your attitude, and gives you a better perspective. I like to start my day with a thought of gratitude such as a "Thank you" prayer. I prefer to practice gratitude at the beginning of the day because it does frame my thoughts throughout the day. You can keep a gratitude journal. Journaling helps to reflect on positive things that happened to you throughout the day and even make a bullet list of things you're grateful for.
Please see my previous posts about positive psychology for more information about this topic.
Bottom line is that I need to keep on keepin' on challenging these negative thoughts that play on a constant loop in my mind. I'm getting there...
Sunday, January 31, 2021
List of recent symptoms
Since my last post, things have changed quite a bit. I went from feeling utterly and completely manic to losing all motivation - my energy level has been sapped. I am experiencing anhedonia at it's finest. Below, I am outlining an approximate timeline of my symptoms for my future reference:
Beginning the first week of January - lack of concentration, unable to focus on 1 thing at a time (jumping around a lot), hyperverbal, unable to access full memory (couldn't find the words I wanted to speak, short-term memory loss, etc.), sleeping fewer hours than normal, emotional lability, and excessive spending.
Beginning the third week of January - a stretch of several days of lack of sleep due to night terrors, return of PTSD flashbacks, hyperarousal, increased anxiety, increased irritability (easily agitated, short temper, explosive and overreacting), a buzzing sensation in my head. Returned a lot of recent purchases only to make more purchases. Unable to focus on a movie or TV show (did not watch TV because I was always busy working with my hands), a sense of general restlessness. Increased desire to control my environment and clean and organize - accomplished a lot of projects around the house that I had been putting off for months. Involved in a car accident (ran over 2 small trees) due to distractability which caused significant damage to my car - followed by an episode of vertigo the same day causing me to sleep for 6 hours straight during the middle of the day.
Beginning the last weekend of January - low mood, loss of motivation, anhedonia, low energy level, excessive sleeping, lethargy, and lack of self-care including hygeinic activities. Still able to accomplish small tasks such as doing the dishes and brushing my teeth. I did finally take a shower last night and felt much better emotionally. Still able to self-regulate and managing irritability without exploding. Poor dietary choices but eating excessively and out of boredom. Was able to pay attention enough to watch a few episodes of a new TV show.
Today, I was able to motivate myself to blog. I am just bracing myself for a deep depression and preparing for a week of no activity.
Hopefully this information will resonate with some of you out there who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I will attempt to blog again when things improve.
Beginning the first week of January - lack of concentration, unable to focus on 1 thing at a time (jumping around a lot), hyperverbal, unable to access full memory (couldn't find the words I wanted to speak, short-term memory loss, etc.), sleeping fewer hours than normal, emotional lability, and excessive spending.
Beginning the third week of January - a stretch of several days of lack of sleep due to night terrors, return of PTSD flashbacks, hyperarousal, increased anxiety, increased irritability (easily agitated, short temper, explosive and overreacting), a buzzing sensation in my head. Returned a lot of recent purchases only to make more purchases. Unable to focus on a movie or TV show (did not watch TV because I was always busy working with my hands), a sense of general restlessness. Increased desire to control my environment and clean and organize - accomplished a lot of projects around the house that I had been putting off for months. Involved in a car accident (ran over 2 small trees) due to distractability which caused significant damage to my car - followed by an episode of vertigo the same day causing me to sleep for 6 hours straight during the middle of the day.
Beginning the last weekend of January - low mood, loss of motivation, anhedonia, low energy level, excessive sleeping, lethargy, and lack of self-care including hygeinic activities. Still able to accomplish small tasks such as doing the dishes and brushing my teeth. I did finally take a shower last night and felt much better emotionally. Still able to self-regulate and managing irritability without exploding. Poor dietary choices but eating excessively and out of boredom. Was able to pay attention enough to watch a few episodes of a new TV show.
Today, I was able to motivate myself to blog. I am just bracing myself for a deep depression and preparing for a week of no activity.
Hopefully this information will resonate with some of you out there who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I will attempt to blog again when things improve.
Thursday, January 28, 2021
Balance
It's shocking how quickly things can change. After all, that's why they call it "rapid cycling" bipolar disorder. And because it varies from person to person and from one episode to the next, there's never a dull moment. Let me explain.
At first glance, it seemed like I went from even keel to manic overnight. While my condition did take a sharp left turn at some point over the last week, hind sight tells me that my manic episode has been amping up for at least a month now. I missed the early warning signs and truth be told, that's because it's been so very long that I've been this manic. Maybe 8 years!! Yes, I've weathered ups and downs and if there was a graph to show where I was mood-wise each day, you'd certainly see the "sharpness" I reference. But even with these variations, my mood has neither been extremely low nor extremely high at any given point in time in recent years. Of course, this is all relative.
Frankly, I'm scared. You heard me. I'm scared. You'd expect me to feel good if my mood was elevated, but no, I'm not. Something doesn't sit right with me and I know it. I'm not myself and I know it. For a time, I've felt very "normal" or "even keel" or "baseline" whatever wording you choose - which isn't my norm. I'm grateful for that! But that has changed recently and I'm just now putting all of the pieces together.
What you see: A person who is well put-together "given the circumstances," who appears to be less human than others. Someone that tackles "things" all by themself, who doesn't put their trust in others. Outspoken and unafraid to share their opinions. A thrill seeker. Who uncovers a new dream or discovers a new hobby. Driven. Accomplished. Extremely productive and at a very fast rate. Humble. Or perhaps an expert multi-tasker who is struggling to maintain focus. Who talks too much. Makes a big deal about the smallest details. A micro-manager. Someone who is always busy. Who constantly seeks acknowledgment and reassurance for a job well done or that they're doing the right thing. An Irish temper. Someone who doesn't really know what they want or what they like. A procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. Someone who doesn't know when it's time to ask for help.
What it both is and leads to, in a never-ending cycle, over and over again, at the speed of light: Overwhelming guilt. Self-deprication. Memory problems. Fatigue. Relationship strain. Making frequent mistakes because you're moving too fast. And of course, depression.
Somehow, I managed to find a place in-between where I jived for a while... a place I like to call the BALANCE. Yes, a balancing act of both the ups and downs, the good and bad, the sane and insane. Somewhere right in the middle, that's the sweet spot. Many people have achieved this; I'm no pioneer. But somehow, I've gone astraw. And somehow, I have to get back there.
So, if you know me, then you know that I will bounce back. But as they say, it's going to take some love, patience, and time.
At first glance, it seemed like I went from even keel to manic overnight. While my condition did take a sharp left turn at some point over the last week, hind sight tells me that my manic episode has been amping up for at least a month now. I missed the early warning signs and truth be told, that's because it's been so very long that I've been this manic. Maybe 8 years!! Yes, I've weathered ups and downs and if there was a graph to show where I was mood-wise each day, you'd certainly see the "sharpness" I reference. But even with these variations, my mood has neither been extremely low nor extremely high at any given point in time in recent years. Of course, this is all relative.
Frankly, I'm scared. You heard me. I'm scared. You'd expect me to feel good if my mood was elevated, but no, I'm not. Something doesn't sit right with me and I know it. I'm not myself and I know it. For a time, I've felt very "normal" or "even keel" or "baseline" whatever wording you choose - which isn't my norm. I'm grateful for that! But that has changed recently and I'm just now putting all of the pieces together.
What you see: A person who is well put-together "given the circumstances," who appears to be less human than others. Someone that tackles "things" all by themself, who doesn't put their trust in others. Outspoken and unafraid to share their opinions. A thrill seeker. Who uncovers a new dream or discovers a new hobby. Driven. Accomplished. Extremely productive and at a very fast rate. Humble. Or perhaps an expert multi-tasker who is struggling to maintain focus. Who talks too much. Makes a big deal about the smallest details. A micro-manager. Someone who is always busy. Who constantly seeks acknowledgment and reassurance for a job well done or that they're doing the right thing. An Irish temper. Someone who doesn't really know what they want or what they like. A procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. Someone who doesn't know when it's time to ask for help.
What it both is and leads to, in a never-ending cycle, over and over again, at the speed of light: Overwhelming guilt. Self-deprication. Memory problems. Fatigue. Relationship strain. Making frequent mistakes because you're moving too fast. And of course, depression.
Somehow, I managed to find a place in-between where I jived for a while... a place I like to call the BALANCE. Yes, a balancing act of both the ups and downs, the good and bad, the sane and insane. Somewhere right in the middle, that's the sweet spot. Many people have achieved this; I'm no pioneer. But somehow, I've gone astraw. And somehow, I have to get back there.
So, if you know me, then you know that I will bounce back. But as they say, it's going to take some love, patience, and time.
Friday, January 22, 2021
A Small Success
You're supposed to celebrate even the smallest of successes, so here's the success I would like to celebrate. Although I've been angry and severely depressed at times, I've been a lot more even since starting my new medication with the dose increase. Yay!!! There's still kinks to work out and nothing is perfect, but I know it's nothing I can't overcome!
I have had some very turbulent things happen to me these last few months (what else is new, eh?!) and I'm proud to say I've made it through them thus far. I could not have done it without the help of my supportive people - my mom, my husband, my children, my coworkers, Carol, Kristy. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my psychiatric nurse practitioner has left the practice and the person I trusted with my meds for years is no longer there to guide me. My new doctor does not listen to me at all which makes treatment very difficult. I weathered my 18-yr old son telling me he didn't want to see me anymore, a COVID scare, a broken right knee, and a herniated disc in my low back. I've had many anxiety attacks along the way, which is embarrassing at best. I've suffered from sleep deprivation at times (due to pain and grief and an occasional episode of night terrors). Some of my family members are enduring very serious medical conditions as of late which causes me a great deal of sadness and my marriage has been strained by a combination of all of these factors.
Is this deja vu?!
I feel like there's a pattern lying somewhere hidden here. I certainly didn't have much control over my NP leaving the practice, but I feel like I could have prevented the others from happening. I feel so guilty for not realizing that sooner. My saving grace is that I have managed to weather all of this without returning to previous maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Adulting sucks!
Adulting means taking ownership and responsibility for the things in your life that you manufacture with your choices and happen to be things that you can make the choice to change. Choices, choices, choices... Such is life!
And so today, although I could choose to be negative about all of the challenges, I choose positivity. I choose acceptance. I choose to rise to the occasion and take matters into my own hands. I will not be tricked into thinking I have no control over what happens to me. I refuse to believe the lies of the Devil and I choose to move forward in faith and with hope in my chest knowing that I can do hard things!!!
I have had some very turbulent things happen to me these last few months (what else is new, eh?!) and I'm proud to say I've made it through them thus far. I could not have done it without the help of my supportive people - my mom, my husband, my children, my coworkers, Carol, Kristy. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my psychiatric nurse practitioner has left the practice and the person I trusted with my meds for years is no longer there to guide me. My new doctor does not listen to me at all which makes treatment very difficult. I weathered my 18-yr old son telling me he didn't want to see me anymore, a COVID scare, a broken right knee, and a herniated disc in my low back. I've had many anxiety attacks along the way, which is embarrassing at best. I've suffered from sleep deprivation at times (due to pain and grief and an occasional episode of night terrors). Some of my family members are enduring very serious medical conditions as of late which causes me a great deal of sadness and my marriage has been strained by a combination of all of these factors.
Is this deja vu?!
I feel like there's a pattern lying somewhere hidden here. I certainly didn't have much control over my NP leaving the practice, but I feel like I could have prevented the others from happening. I feel so guilty for not realizing that sooner. My saving grace is that I have managed to weather all of this without returning to previous maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Adulting means taking ownership and responsibility for the things in your life that you manufacture with your choices and happen to be things that you can make the choice to change. Choices, choices, choices... Such is life!
And so today, although I could choose to be negative about all of the challenges, I choose positivity. I choose acceptance. I choose to rise to the occasion and take matters into my own hands. I will not be tricked into thinking I have no control over what happens to me. I refuse to believe the lies of the Devil and I choose to move forward in faith and with hope in my chest knowing that I can do hard things!!!
Sunday, August 2, 2020
Another mixed episode?
I’m not feeling very well lately. It’s like I’m jumping out of my skin...a feeling that my body will explode at any moment!! My heart is racing and my mind can’t stop overthinking things. Over analyzing is driving me nuts and making me think I’m going insane.
I've also been varying between this intense feeling and severe depression. A depression so deep that my thoughts have been suicidal and had urges to self-harm on several occasions. It's sad because I feel like a hypocrite due to my career in psychiatric nursing. Am I taking on too much of my patients' burdens?? Or am I just so broken that I can't help myself in ways that I help others??
While I can identify some triggers for my intense emotions, these triggers are unavoidable, so it's unlikely that the situation will change any time soon. All I can change is how I react to these situations... and that's just fucking hard. Even more sad, I know for a fact that I've over-reacted and over-analyzed on too many occasions to count and lost absolute control over my behaviors at times. I've had breakdowns at work - one was very embarrassing and witnessed by my boss. I feel guilty and humiliated for having these occurrences/relapses but all I can do is forgive myself and keep moving forward. Far easier said than done.
I know there must be millions of people out there who can identify with my feelings and thoughts. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
I've also been varying between this intense feeling and severe depression. A depression so deep that my thoughts have been suicidal and had urges to self-harm on several occasions. It's sad because I feel like a hypocrite due to my career in psychiatric nursing. Am I taking on too much of my patients' burdens?? Or am I just so broken that I can't help myself in ways that I help others??
While I can identify some triggers for my intense emotions, these triggers are unavoidable, so it's unlikely that the situation will change any time soon. All I can change is how I react to these situations... and that's just fucking hard. Even more sad, I know for a fact that I've over-reacted and over-analyzed on too many occasions to count and lost absolute control over my behaviors at times. I've had breakdowns at work - one was very embarrassing and witnessed by my boss. I feel guilty and humiliated for having these occurrences/relapses but all I can do is forgive myself and keep moving forward. Far easier said than done.
I know there must be millions of people out there who can identify with my feelings and thoughts. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
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