Saturday, July 23, 2011
Mindsight - Our Multiple Selves
Under Content, Chapter 10 "Our Multiple Selves" is the MUST READ portion - but it is missing the most important pages because it is only a preview of the book. Page 197, the section labeled "Multiple Selves" is important to read, but the rest of the chapter includes crucial background information.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Seriously sick!
I am seriously sick of being bullied and harassed by my own family. To them "LOVE" means hurting a person as much as possible with every means possible: words, violence, controlling behaviors, manipulation, mental abuse, defaming, guilt-tripping mind games, slander, defamy, and continual degradation. I am so, so, so, so, so, so seriously sick of it.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Jesus Christmas!!
It's approximately 2 & 1/2 hours until Christmas Day and I'm relaxing comfortably in my bed with the warmth of my cat, Connecticut, to keep my legs warm and the company of my charming son, Dugann, as we watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid DVD.
I am so, so, so, so, so, SO blessed.
I am so, so, so, so, so, SO blessed.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Long time coming...
Quite alright, I'm overdue for a relapse... but I refuse to believe that I must slip into the deepest depression ever at this time of year.
Every year, this happens... around this time... actually starting November 1st my depression usually starts to settle in... and the closer it gets to Valentine's Day, the worse it gets.
I always thought that I would eventually get over the "blues" during the holiday season, but then I discovered that it's beyond my conscious control. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real disease that affects millions of people and primarily those that live in the northern midwest. This is because it is darker for longer during this time of year. The darker it is, the more melatonin your pineal gland (part of your brain and endocrine system) produces. The more melatonin in your system, the more fatigued you feel, you appear sluggish and lethargic, unenthusiastic about things that typically perk you right up... it is just a very bleak perspective that is caused by an actual physiological condition. Your body's circadian rhythms are thrown for a loop, and you can't seem to get a handle on your mood.... now you know why.
Despite knowing this, I still treat my condition with ample (fake) sunlight, produced by these fantastic little light bulbs that mimic real sunlight... fish oil and vitamin D help, too...
...but if THAT doesn't cure you, a little retail therapy will. lol This time of year it is soooo easy to get carried away with shopping... and I'm a prime case for that fact. I love to give gifts, so it is extremely easy to drop $100-$300 on gifts for other people... and you forgive yourself for it easier, too, because you are just in such a generous mood that you want to brighten up somebody else's day. While the attitude of giving and enhancing another person's mood is noble, it is not so good for the pocketbook. I have to really watch my spending, track every dollar that goes out and where it's going... I save money for several months during the summer/fall so that I can feel free to splurge when I'm experiencing the need to shop impulsively. I have found that when you PLAN better, the decisions that follow will always turn out better, too. For example, instead of spending the $150 that I have saved up, I spend half and then have an extra $75 to spend on other things. This is always a real blessing just when I need it... something ALWAYS comes up that has to be paid... bills, bills, bills... they never end.
This year, I don't feel like my depression is so beyond my control... that is until this week. I noticed that it takes very little to make me tear up and cry... it takes very little to make me feel lonely, depressed, and even defeated. I find myself wanting to be secluded from the outside world because I just don't care to deal with all of the drama and bad news that it brings! And that is just when I force myself to get out - do something in public - ANYTHING, reconnect with people that I haven't seen in weeks, months, or years... and if all else fails, I can always find an open chair at grandma's house. It is the little things that matter the most... you have to WANT to feel better to actually attain it. You have to WANT to be happy in order to achieve it. You cannot merely hope for those things which you don't have... go out and make it happen!
It used to be that I couldn't get out of bed for weeks... and now I find myself hurling my body out of bed when I feel this badly. Mind over matter... the body isn't willing, but my mind is strong. Exercising with cognitive therapy when I'm well has helped me learn the most important fact of all when it comes to mental disorder - you CAN do ANYTHING you decide that you want to - you just have to BELIEVE that YOU CAN DO IT!!!
And on that note, I will now hurl myself out of bed and into the shower... because I'm not giving in to the depression today. Perhaps tomorrow I won't be strong enough to do it... but today I AM. Ciao!
Every year, this happens... around this time... actually starting November 1st my depression usually starts to settle in... and the closer it gets to Valentine's Day, the worse it gets.
I always thought that I would eventually get over the "blues" during the holiday season, but then I discovered that it's beyond my conscious control. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real disease that affects millions of people and primarily those that live in the northern midwest. This is because it is darker for longer during this time of year. The darker it is, the more melatonin your pineal gland (part of your brain and endocrine system) produces. The more melatonin in your system, the more fatigued you feel, you appear sluggish and lethargic, unenthusiastic about things that typically perk you right up... it is just a very bleak perspective that is caused by an actual physiological condition. Your body's circadian rhythms are thrown for a loop, and you can't seem to get a handle on your mood.... now you know why.
Despite knowing this, I still treat my condition with ample (fake) sunlight, produced by these fantastic little light bulbs that mimic real sunlight... fish oil and vitamin D help, too...
...but if THAT doesn't cure you, a little retail therapy will. lol This time of year it is soooo easy to get carried away with shopping... and I'm a prime case for that fact. I love to give gifts, so it is extremely easy to drop $100-$300 on gifts for other people... and you forgive yourself for it easier, too, because you are just in such a generous mood that you want to brighten up somebody else's day. While the attitude of giving and enhancing another person's mood is noble, it is not so good for the pocketbook. I have to really watch my spending, track every dollar that goes out and where it's going... I save money for several months during the summer/fall so that I can feel free to splurge when I'm experiencing the need to shop impulsively. I have found that when you PLAN better, the decisions that follow will always turn out better, too. For example, instead of spending the $150 that I have saved up, I spend half and then have an extra $75 to spend on other things. This is always a real blessing just when I need it... something ALWAYS comes up that has to be paid... bills, bills, bills... they never end.
This year, I don't feel like my depression is so beyond my control... that is until this week. I noticed that it takes very little to make me tear up and cry... it takes very little to make me feel lonely, depressed, and even defeated. I find myself wanting to be secluded from the outside world because I just don't care to deal with all of the drama and bad news that it brings! And that is just when I force myself to get out - do something in public - ANYTHING, reconnect with people that I haven't seen in weeks, months, or years... and if all else fails, I can always find an open chair at grandma's house. It is the little things that matter the most... you have to WANT to feel better to actually attain it. You have to WANT to be happy in order to achieve it. You cannot merely hope for those things which you don't have... go out and make it happen!
It used to be that I couldn't get out of bed for weeks... and now I find myself hurling my body out of bed when I feel this badly. Mind over matter... the body isn't willing, but my mind is strong. Exercising with cognitive therapy when I'm well has helped me learn the most important fact of all when it comes to mental disorder - you CAN do ANYTHING you decide that you want to - you just have to BELIEVE that YOU CAN DO IT!!!
And on that note, I will now hurl myself out of bed and into the shower... because I'm not giving in to the depression today. Perhaps tomorrow I won't be strong enough to do it... but today I AM. Ciao!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Sunrise, Sunset
Today as I drove Dugann to his dad's, the sun was rising in the distance. The diffused light caused a spectacular show of colors that changed constantly with each inch the sun rose. The entire sky was lit up bright and it felt like such a refreshing blanket was encompassing the sky infinitely.
Then, I turned westward onto the highway and the sky went dark. The clouds hid the moon that was yet to set and the lack of light gave such a menacing, gloomy feel. It was the exact opposite of the eastern sky.
This display was a vivid expression of how important perspective can really be in a person's life. [Attitude is everything.] We all encounter events that render both positive and/or negative feelings. Perhaps an event has not even caused the feelings, but we wake up with an idiopathic attitude. These feelings can cast our days as brilliant and inspiring or grim and troubling. It all depends which direction we decide to go... in which direction will your attitude drive you? Toward the light? Or toward the dark?
I guarantee that if you choose to follow the darkness, you will always be racing, rushing, trying to envelop yourself in grimace. Because darkness is always naturally less visible at the place where light and dark meet.
If you choose to follow the light, the brightness tends to grow and grow until you are suddenly encompassed by a brilliance that you can neither explain nor cease to appreciate. Light will always win over the dark.
They say that after each night, comes the morning. But what people rarely recognize is the fact that night is not the absence of light! Rather, night is the time in which light is farthest away... light is never absent. If light were absent, this world would be a desolate globe, void of vegetation and creatures. Nothing can live without light.
As humans, we have grown accustomed to describing night as the time that light is absent from us. In reality, the light is never absent from us; it is merely farther away, harder to see, more difficult to reach... but light is always a part of our environment, a part of our days, and thereby a part of us.
Today, I choose to turn away from the ominous darkness and focus on the radiant palette of colors. I choose to allow myself to feel the excitement of not knowing what beautiful horizon will appear next in my journey; anticipating something mildly good, and unexpectedly stumbling upon something wonderful. Just drive...
Then, I turned westward onto the highway and the sky went dark. The clouds hid the moon that was yet to set and the lack of light gave such a menacing, gloomy feel. It was the exact opposite of the eastern sky.
This display was a vivid expression of how important perspective can really be in a person's life. [Attitude is everything.] We all encounter events that render both positive and/or negative feelings. Perhaps an event has not even caused the feelings, but we wake up with an idiopathic attitude. These feelings can cast our days as brilliant and inspiring or grim and troubling. It all depends which direction we decide to go... in which direction will your attitude drive you? Toward the light? Or toward the dark?
I guarantee that if you choose to follow the darkness, you will always be racing, rushing, trying to envelop yourself in grimace. Because darkness is always naturally less visible at the place where light and dark meet.
If you choose to follow the light, the brightness tends to grow and grow until you are suddenly encompassed by a brilliance that you can neither explain nor cease to appreciate. Light will always win over the dark.
They say that after each night, comes the morning. But what people rarely recognize is the fact that night is not the absence of light! Rather, night is the time in which light is farthest away... light is never absent. If light were absent, this world would be a desolate globe, void of vegetation and creatures. Nothing can live without light.
As humans, we have grown accustomed to describing night as the time that light is absent from us. In reality, the light is never absent from us; it is merely farther away, harder to see, more difficult to reach... but light is always a part of our environment, a part of our days, and thereby a part of us.
Today, I choose to turn away from the ominous darkness and focus on the radiant palette of colors. I choose to allow myself to feel the excitement of not knowing what beautiful horizon will appear next in my journey; anticipating something mildly good, and unexpectedly stumbling upon something wonderful. Just drive...
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.
Nothing hurts more than when a seemingly supportive person inadvertently ceases to support you. Tough love is one thing, but when you reach out for support from someone who has always been there, and you are met with unwanted suggestions and a plea of conversion to their wishes for your life, it is very difficult to feel supported by that person.
Support (in my terms) means understanding that my journey in recovery includes certain components and I expect my supporters to accept my decision to satisfy the need for these things in my life. It does not matter if my supporters can understand why I seek this path or why I need these things in my life... what matters is that they find a way to show you compassion and understanding even when their own ideas do not conform to your ways. Support means empowering an individual to do what THEY DREAM to do and showing them that all of these dreams seem impossible but can very shortly become a reality with hard work and determination. Support means validating an individual's concerns and expressing empathy for any situation - irregardless of how it was manifested. Support means recognizing that an individual may not value the same things as me, they may have different priorities than me, but that is not a "selling point" for my advice.
I should not see an individual's dilemmas as an opportunity to convert them to my way of thinking. Rather, I will listen and understand that their needs, wants, perceptions, values, and desires are completely independent of my own and try to support their search for peace of mind and stability within the structure of their own reality. Let me never be the person that tries to convince someone that their noble decisions toward a better future and their attempts at self-reliance are NOT as important as the attempts I want them to make. Let me always be the person that is truly an encouragement and speaks with the words that God would have me to speak positivity into their life so that they would want to continue reaching for the seemingly unreachable goals. THAT is being supportive.
Society tells us that the only way to support a person is to make sure they are going about life in a manner which is logical to the majority. I recall this wise quote from Wade Davis: "The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you. They are unique manifestations of the human spirit."
Support (in my terms) means understanding that my journey in recovery includes certain components and I expect my supporters to accept my decision to satisfy the need for these things in my life. It does not matter if my supporters can understand why I seek this path or why I need these things in my life... what matters is that they find a way to show you compassion and understanding even when their own ideas do not conform to your ways. Support means empowering an individual to do what THEY DREAM to do and showing them that all of these dreams seem impossible but can very shortly become a reality with hard work and determination. Support means validating an individual's concerns and expressing empathy for any situation - irregardless of how it was manifested. Support means recognizing that an individual may not value the same things as me, they may have different priorities than me, but that is not a "selling point" for my advice.
I should not see an individual's dilemmas as an opportunity to convert them to my way of thinking. Rather, I will listen and understand that their needs, wants, perceptions, values, and desires are completely independent of my own and try to support their search for peace of mind and stability within the structure of their own reality. Let me never be the person that tries to convince someone that their noble decisions toward a better future and their attempts at self-reliance are NOT as important as the attempts I want them to make. Let me always be the person that is truly an encouragement and speaks with the words that God would have me to speak positivity into their life so that they would want to continue reaching for the seemingly unreachable goals. THAT is being supportive.
Society tells us that the only way to support a person is to make sure they are going about life in a manner which is logical to the majority. I recall this wise quote from Wade Davis: "The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures are not failed attempts at being you. They are unique manifestations of the human spirit."
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Darkness Within
I cannot eloquently express this sense of blackness engulfing my insides, swallowing my motivation and gnawing away at my self-confidence.
And so I must say that I do not know where you came from... but I'm setting snares for you. And when the light returns, I will free you from this prison and suffocate you in mounds of trash as if you never existed. I know you are there... lurking, waiting for the perfect timing. I guarantee you that this will not be the end of me. I declare WAR!
And so I must say that I do not know where you came from... but I'm setting snares for you. And when the light returns, I will free you from this prison and suffocate you in mounds of trash as if you never existed. I know you are there... lurking, waiting for the perfect timing. I guarantee you that this will not be the end of me. I declare WAR!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
