A wake up call - to the future me.

Sirens, EMT's, and a stomach pump. They earnestly tried, but couldn't revive her.
The cause of death: a few dirty dishes.

A few dirty dishes that fueled the need to belittle and negate the person trying their hardest to remain sane in a time of her greatest invisible despair.

Maybe you didn't know that the thought of suicide was so prominent before you spoke. But it doesn't matter to you. Because it seems like all that matters is that she strokes your ego, reads your mind, does what you want when you want it done, and plays this game of "cat and mouse" with you endlessly. You want someone to pour your frustration out on. You want someone to blame for all the fuck-ups you see around you. You want someone to bear the guilt of everything that's left undone. Why she?

Could you not blame the other people equally providing dirty dishes in the household? Could you not blame any other person for not doing their part? Could you not accept your own portion of the blame?

Could you not fathom that anyone else works just as hard as you, or harder? But to top it all off, you don't want anyone to know your own internal pain and suffering, and so you point the finger to divert attention away. Instead of dealing with your own issues, you want everyone to believe it's another person that's causing you pain. I see through you.

You are as transparent as the rain; acidic to the taste and drenching the days that should have been filled with vigor.

You are as cowardice as the mime who dares to make you imagine, but fails to make you believe.

You are the ailing of the ill, that comes with the promise of a healthier day, but taints your short-sighted mind with despair.

But you were never meant to be.

You were meant to be the helper of the less able, the leader of the lost, the caretaker of the weak. You were meant to be the lifter of the fallen, the comfort of the weary. And while it sounds like an exceptionally tall order to fill, all of these were self-acclaimed titles that you boast about in public places, where seldom there is one to refute it.

While you think yourself to be Divine, you are certainly not. Your own self-image haunts you, your expectations of perfection that you project to everyone around you are a mere manifestation of what you have failed to do yourself.

You forgive yourself for failing by expecting perfection from others.

And what right do you have?

Is it because you feel like you are more worthy? Is it because you feel like you are the giver of opportunities? Is it because of this insatiable desire you have contrived to bolster the lives of others? Or is it because you have convinced yourself that you are unappreciated despite my numerous attempts to show you otherwise?

When it comes down to it, when it all boils down, it's all about the benjamins.

If I had the means to provide for myself, had my own place to live, didn't need your emotional support and encouragement - then I could afford my own personal rights to be myself and make my own choices, right? If I didn't depend on you to homologate my decisions and morals, only then I could live a life of peace and self-satisfaction, right? And because I don't have money, I'm a slave to the people who provide me with the things I need, right?

I thought I lived in America, the land of the free, the home of the brave...

The last time I checked, slavery was abolished.

And even though you seek to employ me against my will for having provided me with things I need - all in the name of being a good person and caretaker, having said you would never hold it against me or ask for repayment but doing so anyway - I STILL love you and appreciate you.

You can try to force me to do things your way, to see things your way, to accept public humiliation while you embarrass me in front of an audience because I haven't done exactly what you wanted. But you cannot make me ungrateful. I refuse to become another victim. I refuse to perpetuate the mind games and manipulation of those around me. I refuse to jeopardize my values and morals because it would give you a reason to complain.

Today, find someone else to be angry with, blame, and belittle. Because THIS scapegoat is escaping the sacrifice altar. You may have marked me a fool, but you haven't stolen my dignity.

Sadly, my desire to keep trying to love you the way you want to be loved will one day guarantee my own demise. It's time for me to wake up and finally accept that I can never love you the way you want to be loved. I can only pray that my attempts will eventually be good enough.

I've been here before and I'll be here again... somehow everyday is a new hunt for the satisfaction of knowing that I am good enough, whether you believe it or not.

The irony of the disorder

The irony in being bipolar is that when you're up, you curse the fact that you'll soon be down; when you're down, you're grateful for the fact that you'll soon be up again.

Mindsight - Our Multiple Selves

Under Content, Chapter 10 "Our Multiple Selves" is the MUST READ portion - but it is missing the most important pages because it is only a preview of the book. Page 197, the section labeled "Multiple Selves" is important to read, but the rest of the chapter includes crucial background information.

Seriously sick!

I am seriously sick of being bullied and harassed by my own family. To them "LOVE" means hurting a person as much as possible with every means possible: words, violence, controlling behaviors, manipulation, mental abuse, defaming, guilt-tripping mind games, slander, defamy, and continual degradation. I am so, so, so, so, so, so seriously sick of it.

Jesus Christmas!!

It's approximately 2 & 1/2 hours until Christmas Day and I'm relaxing comfortably in my bed with the warmth of my cat, Connecticut, to keep my legs warm and the company of my charming son, Dugann, as we watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid DVD.

I am so, so, so, so, so, SO blessed.

Long time coming...

Quite alright, I'm overdue for a relapse... but I refuse to believe that I must slip into the deepest depression ever at this time of year.

Every year, this happens... around this time... actually starting November 1st my depression usually starts to settle in... and the closer it gets to Valentine's Day, the worse it gets.

I always thought that I would eventually get over the "blues" during the holiday season, but then I discovered that it's beyond my conscious control. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real disease that affects millions of people and primarily those that live in the northern midwest. This is because it is darker for longer during this time of year. The darker it is, the more melatonin your pineal gland (part of your brain and endocrine system) produces. The more melatonin in your system, the more fatigued you feel, you appear sluggish and lethargic, unenthusiastic about things that typically perk you right up... it is just a very bleak perspective that is caused by an actual physiological condition. Your body's circadian rhythms are thrown for a loop, and you can't seem to get a handle on your mood.... now you know why.

Despite knowing this, I still treat my condition with ample (fake) sunlight, produced by these fantastic little light bulbs that mimic real sunlight... fish oil and vitamin D help, too...

...but if THAT doesn't cure you, a little retail therapy will. lol This time of year it is soooo easy to get carried away with shopping... and I'm a prime case for that fact. I love to give gifts, so it is extremely easy to drop $100-$300 on gifts for other people... and you forgive yourself for it easier, too, because you are just in such a generous mood that you want to brighten up somebody else's day. While the attitude of giving and enhancing another person's mood is noble, it is not so good for the pocketbook. I have to really watch my spending, track every dollar that goes out and where it's going... I save money for several months during the summer/fall so that I can feel free to splurge when I'm experiencing the need to shop impulsively. I have found that when you PLAN better, the decisions that follow will always turn out better, too. For example, instead of spending the $150 that I have saved up, I spend half and then have an extra $75 to spend on other things. This is always a real blessing just when I need it... something ALWAYS comes up that has to be paid... bills, bills, bills... they never end.

This year, I don't feel like my depression is so beyond my control... that is until this week. I noticed that it takes very little to make me tear up and cry... it takes very little to make me feel lonely, depressed, and even defeated. I find myself wanting to be secluded from the outside world because I just don't care to deal with all of the drama and bad news that it brings! And that is just when I force myself to get out - do something in public - ANYTHING, reconnect with people that I haven't seen in weeks, months, or years... and if all else fails, I can always find an open chair at grandma's house. It is the little things that matter the most... you have to WANT to feel better to actually attain it. You have to WANT to be happy in order to achieve it. You cannot merely hope for those things which you don't have... go out and make it happen!

It used to be that I couldn't get out of bed for weeks... and now I find myself hurling my body out of bed when I feel this badly. Mind over matter... the body isn't willing, but my mind is strong. Exercising with cognitive therapy when I'm well has helped me learn the most important fact of all when it comes to mental disorder - you CAN do ANYTHING you decide that you want to - you just have to BELIEVE that YOU CAN DO IT!!!

And on that note, I will now hurl myself out of bed and into the shower... because I'm not giving in to the depression today. Perhaps tomorrow I won't be strong enough to do it... but today I AM. Ciao!

Sunrise, Sunset

Today as I drove Dugann to his dad's, the sun was rising in the distance. The diffused light caused a spectacular show of colors that changed constantly with each inch the sun rose. The entire sky was lit up bright and it felt like such a refreshing blanket was encompassing the sky infinitely.

Then, I turned westward onto the highway and the sky went dark. The clouds hid the moon that was yet to set and the lack of light gave such a menacing, gloomy feel. It was the exact opposite of the eastern sky.

This display was a vivid expression of how important perspective can really be in a person's life. [Attitude is everything.] We all encounter events that render both positive and/or negative feelings. Perhaps an event has not even caused the feelings, but we wake up with an idiopathic attitude. These feelings can cast our days as brilliant and inspiring or grim and troubling. It all depends which direction we decide to go... in which direction will your attitude drive you? Toward the light? Or toward the dark?

I guarantee that if you choose to follow the darkness, you will always be racing, rushing, trying to envelop yourself in grimace. Because darkness is always naturally less visible at the place where light and dark meet.

If you choose to follow the light, the brightness tends to grow and grow until you are suddenly encompassed by a brilliance that you can neither explain nor cease to appreciate. Light will always win over the dark.

They say that after each night, comes the morning. But what people rarely recognize is the fact that night is not the absence of light! Rather, night is the time in which light is farthest away... light is never absent. If light were absent, this world would be a desolate globe, void of vegetation and creatures. Nothing can live without light.

As humans, we have grown accustomed to describing night as the time that light is absent from us. In reality, the light is never absent from us; it is merely farther away, harder to see, more difficult to reach... but light is always a part of our environment, a part of our days, and thereby a part of us.

Today, I choose to turn away from the ominous darkness and focus on the radiant palette of colors. I choose to allow myself to feel the excitement of not knowing what beautiful horizon will appear next in my journey; anticipating something mildly good, and unexpectedly stumbling upon something wonderful. Just drive...