A blurb about the stigma surrounding mental illness

In my journey, I have found that when we feel shame in our diagnosis it merely fuels others and may even prompt them to also feel ashamed of us and/or our diagnoses. When you have respect for yourself and life in general, you make it your responsibility to learn about your diagnosis and implement that which you learn so dogmatically that others are forced to either respect you by giving you their full support or show their disregard for you by (sometimes begrudgingly) exiting your life.

If we realize OUR ROLE in this process, it can REDUCE stigma significantly (especially the stigma we each personally experience from those in our surroundings). Our own perceptions and behaviors regarding diagnoses make a HUGE difference in the IMPACT that diagnosis may have on those in our lives AND OTHERS in society at large.

Be proud of who you are (human, like the rest of the world)...
Be secure in where you're headed (recovery!)...
And take responsibility "after the fact" (of being diagnosed) to increase your abilities to cope - not only with your symptoms, but also the stigma-enhancing attitudes of society.

KEEP CALM and CARRY ON!


Take the Pledge to help end the stigma!

http://www.bringchange2mind.org/page/s/pledge

To eat or not to eat... in public?

Many people do not know that I have battled with an eating disorder for many years. Today feels like as good a day as any to divulge that fact.

Since I was 5 years old, I have been labeled morbidly obese. As a child, I don't recall ever eating "so much" that I should have been obese. Not as early as 5 years old, but definitely before age 10 I became very aware of what I was putting in my mouth because I was paranoid that someone would see me eating something and harass me for it. Because of my health condition, I was put on a very strict diet, which was especially important because I was diagnosed with hypertension at age 5 also, but I didn't always stick with it (being a child, it happens). At the time, the doctors were so concerned because my blood pressure greatly exceeded that of my father's (who also had hypertension and was on medication for it) but I was too young for hypertensive medications back then and the only logical approach was to watch my dietary intake of sodium. My mother changed over to some select low-sodium or even sodium-free products such as ketchup - my favorite condiment that I actually consumed far too much of. Unfortunately, this tactic did not have any lasting effects.

I was greatly discouraged from being out in the heat of summer or over-exerting myself by being too physically active (as I recall) because people were afraid I would have a stroke. In fact, as a child, I never argued with this conclusion because I frankly did not care to be active and physical labor repelled me. I was much more of a thinker and spent a lot of time playing alone inside, or sitting at the park merely observing people, creatively writing in the safety of my bedroom, or acting out my dreams of having a "normal family" with my barbie dolls.

It wasn't until I was a young adult (age 19) that I realized my lack of physical exercise contributed GREATLY to my poor health condition. I suddenly became obsessed with working out and did so everyday. I walked 2 miles a day in the community and worked out at the YMCA for nearly 2 hours EVERY SINGLE DAY (when I could afford a membership). I was always into the latest fitness video fads and was a huge fan of the kick-boxing videos "Kick Butt" and Billy Blanks' Tae Bo. I even took up belly dancing for fitness and was a dance-a-holic! Despite all of my attempts at becoming seriously active in life, I consistently gained weight. It was utterly devastating that despite my harsh regimen of working out and my new strict diet of counting calories, I not only didn't LOSE weight, but I GAINED A LOT!

Eventually, I was down to 1300 calories intake but working off 2200+ calories per day. After years of struggling with my weight and trying every fad diet, diet drinks, calorie-controlled diets, and a very restrictive diet of only "living foods"... I was at my heaviest weight ever - nearly 500 pounds! My doctor became VERY concerned and told me not to let my heart rate reach 150 bpm because I was at a very high risk of stroke... at age 19!!! Of course, I had learned that exercise was the only way to change my condition, so I didn't listen to his advice. But I did decide that I shouldn't be allowed to eat... so I began starving myself.

When I did eventually get hungry enough (and weak enough) that eating my own arm sounded like a pretty good idea, I would give in and binge eat........ and purge. I was so disgusted with myself for having eaten, that I didn't even have to force my finger down my throat. It was completely psychological. I would convince myself that I felt sick because I was disgusted with the fact that I ate... and then I wouldn't even be able to choke the vomit back.

It was a ridiculous conclusion that was somewhat fueled by my insecurities and somewhat by society, but I had decided that I was too fat to be ALLOWED to eat. Worse yet, I was convinced that everyone else felt the same way and it became a vicious cycle where I didn't trust ANYONE and I didn't want to eat ANYTHING and I didn't ever want to be thought of as lazy, and I never wanted anyone to see me put anything in my mouth! How dare I give anyone reason to judge me for what I ate and how much of it I ate! That was my thinking...

I went back and forth between such a deep depression that I would compulsively eat ANYTHING in sight - to a manic rush where I would wholeheartedly redetermine my need to starve myself and workout like an insane person with a death wish. After the 4th month of gaining 20 pounds PER MONTH on this regimen, I sought out other options, including gastric bypass surgery, which I later did have done. My body had entered a perpetual starvation mode (I later learned) and THAT is not gonna help anybody lose ANY weight... trust me. My body was packing on the pounds!

Did I mention???? I was also in a very toxic relationship with a man that said he didn't judge me for what I looked like, and claimed he never analyzed what I put in my mouth, but he also told me he could only see himself marrying a woman that weighed 90 pounds. To his credit, he did re-think that idea and came to the conclusion that weight/image wasn't everything... but that was only after I lost 3/4 of my weight and looked like a sickly crack-whore! YES, I SAID IT... I looked like a sickly, little, baggy-skinned crack-whore... and at my lowest weight EVER since age 10... a mere 147 pounds... I was absolutely convinced that I was still a 500-pound COW. I saw myself as a complete eye-sore and wouldn't let anyone's "compliments" get to my head. I began to have the opposite problem, though. I was attracting people alright... the wrong kind of people and the wrong kind of attention for all the wrong reasons. My insecurity drew in all kinds of predatory men with all of their abusive vices and worldly ways. I did NOT like it, and I don't care what any woman tells you, SHE does NOT like being eye-balled like a fresh piece of meat you're about to devour. No, she is just trying to convince herself that it makes her feel good because it's what makes YOU happy. I'll write more about that another time. Back to the story..........

I still struggle with my eating disorder. Not quite so much with binging and purging. After 3 years of chronic vomiting due to my gastric bypass surgery, I am not in any hurry to make myself throw up again. But I do suffer greatly with public eating. If I have any reason to think someone could possibly judge what I'm eating or how much I'm eating, I probably will not eat in front of them. Ever go to lunch with me and wonder why my food sat on my plate until it was cold and the minute you went to the bathroom my food miraculously disappeared? I've become very ninja-like in my eating habits lately! I TRY to blend in with everyone else at lunch time... I TRY to eat without feeling tortured internally... I TRY to let people see me eat just enough that they know I'm not starving myself but not enough for them to judge me... I TRY!! And that's where my hope lies - in trying. I'm not perfect and you might not believe that I really suffer internally when you see me eating publicly, but I play these stupid mind games with myself to be able to manage that... it's a very tumultuous internal battle that I go through and I have stopped expecting people to identify with me unless they've also experienced it for themselves.

Some of my experiences may sound similar to you and you might even think "that's not an eating disorder." But it is. It's very common and it happens to a lot of people, especially people who were bullied as children and ESPECIALLY people who were/are obese. Ask anyone who used to be "big" if they ever cared what people thought about their eating habits. I HIGHLY DOUBT any previously "big person" will tell you that they didn't care one bit, they ate whatever they wanted, however much they wanted, wherever they wanted, as often as they wanted. I bet they were pretty secretive about eating, too. In fact, it is JUST AS COMMON for "fat people" or people who see themselves as being "fat" to starve themselves and develop eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder as it is for a model to develop BDD and subsequent anorexia or bulimia.

The fact is... eating disorders, and the co-occurring body dysmorphic disorders that cause them, are mental illnesses. Sometimes, people forget that because we hesitate to recognize the correlation between thinking, mood, and eating habits. But regardless of what we do to physically change our body's shape, size, and makeup - if we do not change the way we THINK about ourselves, about healthy living, and about food, we will still become a slave to our impulses and desire to "fit in."

Unfortunately, body dysmorphic disorder is very commonly associated with depression and other mood disorders. In fact, for a lot of people, what they look like and how they feel about it greatly determines whether they desire to continue living or not. Many people have taken their own lives because they were unhappy with what they look like. I could go on and on about why people should not compare themselves to others and/or judge themselves in light of what society deems to be "healthy" or "attractive" but I will not divulge into yet another deep topic today.

The main point I wanted to present in this blog post is that we all suffer in varying degrees. We may not all suffer with the same illness. Or we might suffer with a very common illness but for differing reasons. This is part of life, it is part of being human. But it is the individual's desire to be "better," to continue striving for happiness, the urge to find contentment and peace within their own minds and bodies, that drives us to keep searching for answers to these age-old questions of yesteryear: "Will I ever be good enough?" "Am I worth loving?" "Will I ever become something great?" "When will I be happy?" "What will it take to have true peace of mind?"

Speaking for myself, I'm not there yet. I'm still on my journey. I'm still looking for the answers, searching for peace of mind, and trying my best to just get by. And I'm reassured by my progress overall. I look back at how I felt about myself when I was a teen. My, my, my! I was a wreck. A literal wreck. Please stay tuned for a second and even third part to this post... I plan to write about the connection between mental health and my eating disorder, the types of treatment I tried/sought and how well they worked out for me. I also plan to talk about the sexual and physical abuse that caused me to have such a poor self-image. I'm going out on a limb here, people. This is not typical for me to do - share such intimate details with complete strangers - but I feel like it is finally time to do it. Who knows, maybe my peace of mind will come from sharing my experiences with you.

I sure do hope so..................................

this too is love

The way the orange glow of the dimly lit room reflects off of your velveteen skin...

kissing every arch, every nook...

chiseling out a map of finely toned muscles.


The sensuous slope of the curve in your virile neck...

flowing as smooth as silk into that chocolate ocean.


The silence in your trembling touch that gratifies my soul...

giving life to my senses, engaging my spirit...

traps my breath, my looming thoughts, and binds them both within my chest.


(to be continued)

A World Without Money

I have come to realize that people are pretty universal in that when it comes to having money, we often forget to give significance to people. But when the money is gone, we start appreciating the value of the people in our lives and even feel an urgency to invest in them. What then is the gain in living like a rich man? It is when we are the most poor that we start to find value in the things we already have and invest our care and thought in them. In a world where money talks, the heart is seldom heard. Thus, a world without money would not be so bad after all, because it is true that all the best things in life are free: love, friendship, time, inspiration, happiness, and most of all peace.

I believe that a person who values people, even if they become rich, would never know what it’s like to live “the good life” because that person would be too concerned with giving the people they love a good life, rather than squandering it on frivolous material possessions that don’t come equipped with love or joy.

Dream with me, about a world without money… where our only currency was love and everyone had ONLY exactly what they needed to get by… but were rich in compassion and always urgently appreciative.

In a world where there could not possibly be more importance placed on money, the poorest of men stretched out his arms and gave the greatest gift of love that changed the course of history forever. A man who had no concept of spending, spent everything (the only thing) he had, his life, in exchange for a relationship with you and me… and thus beget the definition of the indefinite value of life, love, and friendship. Without a dime to his name, he accomplished a task that rich men only dream will one day be possible for them – to change the world. Could it be that being poor is a blessing in disguise? Are we not more influential when we, those doing without, are seen inheriting the kingdom of God? Did the Bible not say that the last will be first and the first will be last?

Don’t pity the underdog because he is certainly destined for a glorious greatness that the rich can neither fathom nor abduct.


In a world without money…
• No one dies of a curable disease;
• Not a single person goes hungry;
• Every child has a home;
• Christmas sounds less like coins and more like a choir;
• We neither own nor inherit land, we cherish & peaceably share it;
• When a death occurs, we all experience the pain;
• Shoes and a coat are not luxury items;
• Love is not an averted word, radical behavior, undesired gift, or repellent gesture; &
• It truly IS better to give than to receive.

Ironically, I have been working on this blog post for a few weeks, not knowing if my words were eloquent enough to pass on the message that I so desperately wanted to share, and my co-pastor preached about it this last Sunday at church. Pastor Debbie said: “Maybe the reason God doesn’t give me a lot of money is because He knows that I would turn my eyes away from Him; and for that I have to thank Him because I don’t want to lose sight of what He has done for me, no matter what the cost. I can deal with living in lack, if it means that I can maintain my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It is worth far more to me than any wealth this world has to offer.”

In summary, in the words of a wise someone, Jesus is the reason for the season.

Talking to myself

Lately, I have been having trouble knowing what is a dream and what is reality. This is relatively new to me... at least, I've only noticed it within the last 4-5 weeks.

I go about my day as normal, and some conversation comes up about what a person said, and then I recall a very specific conversation that had taken place.... only for it to be debunked by that person and/or others. I have to ask myself, did I DREAM that the conversation took place? Or while having the conversation, is my mind conjuring up things that the person has said even when they have not said them? I'm so confused! It even happens during class periods at school. I try to write down everything that has any significance, because if I do not write it down, I have no actual proof that it was said. But writing things down only proves 1 thing: that I heard it... NOT that it was said. What do I do to resolve this problem?

Other times, I have a very vivid dream but I do not even know it's a dream until later, sometimes MUCH later, when a topic discussed in the dream comes up in conversation with a friend... and I say "oh yeah, I told you that before, blah blah blah" but the friend will tell me "no, you never told me that, it must have been someone else" yet I CLEARLY remember telling the person and even where I was at when I told them. Was it really a dream? Or did I tell someone else that same thing at that same location and my mind just changed the person I was talking to? I'm so frustrated.

The truth is, that I have a lot of conversations with myself. Many times, I try to force myself to think before I speak. That entails imagining having the entire conversation in my head, before I actually have it, to see if there might be a possible argument or problem that will ensue from having that conversation. Here are 2 problems with this: (1) Even when I decide it would be a bad idea to have that conversation and I stop myself from saying the comment that started me thinking about it in the first place... it still feels as though I had that conversation/outcome with the person... this is VERY BAD in my book. And (2) I somehow have been programmed to assume that the other person knows this has happened, too, which has devastating effects on my moods and the relationships with people around me. However, not all of these hypothetical conversations end badly and then the problem becomes... I do NOT have the conversations that I should BECAUSE my mind has imagined that it already took place. One thing I do not understand - how am I able to know this is all happening? I know it is happening but I am unable to act upon that because I always question "is this real?" or "did this really happen?" or "did they really say that?" or "did I already tell them this?" I am befuddled.

This NEW and perplexing problem gets worse everyday. For example, last week I caught myself having these imagined conversations OUT LOUD. Not the entire conversation, but parts of it. I'm sure this is strange to witness... because it is audible and easy enough to overhear me saying it as it usually takes place in public - in school, at the store, in the office. And it is SO random and uncontrollable! I only realize that it is happening when I hear myself talking and then it's like I shake myself out of a daze and then feel embarrassed (or if nobody is around, I am grateful for that fact). In times where people are around, I PRAY I've not said anything too revealing or disturbing about what is going through my head. In some cases, I'm almost sure that people have heard and understood what was going on. But just in general, THIS WORRIES ME!! And a whole new version of social anxiety initiates.

I cannot determine if these incidences are the result of a stressful trigger or my mind's defense mechanism or a mere coping strategy. It is amazing to me - that I know somewhat about it taking place and that I KNOWING about it has not been empowering enough for me to control it or stop it from happening OR EVEN acknowledge when it is happening before I hear myself. For example, I have not yet "caught" myself having these internalized conversations UNTIL I hear myself talking... but they are definitely taking place before I talk out loud. Why am I not aware they are happening until I'm jolted out of the dream-like state by MY OWN VOICE?? Is this a symptom of schizophrenia? I am curious now.

Because I have been having more and more episodes of panic, hallucination, and hearing voices... but without an identifiable cause. Of course, I'm going through a very stressful point in my life at a very troubling time of year/weather, and I have to face some extremely difficult situations recently while trying to manage all that I normally do in a day (which is already stressful as it is)... so that could be considered an identifiable cause... but I'm not sure why my memory is failing me NOW... after all this time, being in school, learning SO MUCH, learning about HOW learning occurs and why it occurs, and even all the memorization and mnemonics that I employ. Why now? I thought that all I've been doing would actually ward off Alzheimer's disease and brain dysfunction... but then why am I dealing with a strange case of amnesia and dementia???? I feel like I am living in an alternate version of reality, every day, and it scares the hell out of me.

I will do my research, as I always do, and I hope to report back any findings or updates. As for now, I'm just riding the wind, and praying that I don't have the wrong imagined conversation with the wrong person in the wrong place...

Massage Experience part II

To continue from the previous post about my massage experience...

I had a follow-up session with the same therapist. Prior to the massage, I was experiencing mild-moderate pain in my upper shoulders/back, stiffness in my neck and shoulders, a dull aching in my lower back, and a reasonable level of anxiety. We tried a slightly different approach... starting with a large heat pad on the upper back/shoulders simultaneously with guided imagery and reiki. The session progressed with back massage and ended with reflexology, as did last time.

The emotional impact didn't seem to be quite as stunning this time, perhaps because I was already feeling distraught when I walked through the doors. But overall, I did feel much less pain and slightly less anxiety when I left. Immediately, there was relief in the areas of tension and pain. I felt as though the relief experienced was having a profound effect on my current stress level, but without the prolonged effects that I experienced last time.

It is typical for me, that my body will become very anticipatory in regards to physical touch. I strongly believe that the guided imagery was an excellent way to evoke the emotional response to correlate with touch and produce a more powerful, lasting effect. While the hot pack did garner extreme comfort and was soothing, it felt like the stimulation from it was contending with my ability to focus my thoughts on the guided imagery. In hind sight, I would prefer to have a soothing, comforting experience near the end of the session, to further calm me before leaving.

The reflexology was wonderful, once again, but it felt too brief, transition to it was slightly abrupt, and it ended in a way that it felt like the sequence got interrupted. That is what happens when time runs out... and although as a client, we hope it never will... a massage just cannot go on forever! If it did, we would not experience the profound effects in each session. We would grow immune to the healing touch... or would we?!

I believe this to be my last experience this year with massage. I strongly feel that continuing with massage therapy is the best option for my well-being right now. I do not anticipate that every person will experience the same results, but I do know that it is very powerful and very healing IF you are prepared to be healed.

With that in mind... please begin to see yourself being healed and believe that, although your symptoms may persist, you CAN become better equipped to handle them... it takes time, willingness, effort, and determination... but you CAN experience periods of symptom-free, stress-free, soothing, enjoyable relief.

A pitch for massage therapy!

It is no secret that I have had the great opportunity to be connected with the Program Coordinator of IVCC's Therapeutic Massage Department. As part of a case study, I willingly allowed a licensed massage therapist (student of the Advanced Therapeutic Massage course) to evaluate some of my medial and psychological issues and develop a massage to address my particular issues. I have only had 2 massages so far and I can already notice a HUGE difference in my moods and ability to cope with stress.

Current research indicates that even 1 massage or 1 meditative session can greatly affect an individual's ability to cope with stress and anxiety. My experience also demonstrates this scientific fact.

I would like to encourage anyone, mentally ill or not, to try getting a massage - before an upcoming stressful event or exam, after an upsetting experience or recent illness, and in general for ongoing mental wellness.

My last massage (yesterday) was such an amazing experience; I was blown away by how the massage therapist made me feel. I have chronic pain (among sooo many other medical issues) and I was feeling pain prior to the massage. I was also feeling very anxious and stressed out about an upcoming exam for a college course. After the massage, I felt so light, I could literally feel the endorphins rushing to my brain, I felt tingly all over my body - as if I had just been touched by an angel, I had NO pain and felt like ANYTHING upsetting could happen and I would not even notice. I do not know what it feels like to be "high" but if I had to describe what I thought it felt like, that is EXACTLY how I felt yesterday. I could not stop smiling; it was somewhat embarrassing that I could not stop smiling. It was one of those smiles that makes you look like you are "cheesing" or whatever they call it. LoL

I approached the exam feeling like nothing could possibly throw me out of this mood. A few upsetting things DID happen to me after the massage, but overall, I was unable to feel stressed. For the first time in my life, I think I actually RELAXED. I wish I could continue to have that feeling every day, all day long... and who wouldn't want to feel that way?! It was truly amazing.

Massage therapists have a real gift, particularly the therapist that treated me. I really wish I could explain in better words what it is like... but I guess you will just have to go out and try it for yourself to really KNOW what I'm talking about.