Observing the Self

One thing I've learned in the past 6 months is to observe myself more frequently and more consciously.

The process of observation involves more than merely taking notice. Once brought to your awareness, reflection and analysis come into play. It sounds easy... and quite alright, it's no difficult feat. But sometimes, this process can (gently) force you to face your fears, admit your thinking errors, shed light on your secrets, and even challenge your goals. I've listed some tips below for observing the self:


OBSERVING THE SELF

You can do this process ANYWHERE, ANYTIME but you may choose to do it where/when you know that you won't be interrupted so you do not lose your train of thought.

Find a comfortable position.

You may keep your eyes open, but it will help you remain focused if you close your eyes.

Take a deep breath, inhaling through your nostrils only, exhaling through your mouth.

Starting at your head, take notice of how its positioned. Does it cause you any discomfort? Is it tilted to one side? Forwards? Or back?

Notice any tension that may be in your neck and shoulders. Try to relax your muscles so that your shoulders will move downward into a more relaxed position.

Continue with this scan for each muscle group and body part. Your arms, your chest & abdomen, your legs, your hands & feet.

Just take notice of any tension and consciously relax as you go.

Now let your brain do all the work... think about how you've been feeling today. You might want to focus on a smaller time frame, perhaps the last hour or half hour.

Identify your emotions, give them a name. Such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, frustration, anxious, etc.

Ask yourself "How did my body react when I felt this way?" and recall the tension you relieved just a few moments ago.

Think about the cause of the emotion. Why were you feeling that way? What happened?

Do you find that you reacted to a situation? If so, ask yourself "What specifically about the situation made me feel this way?"

Now it's time to troubleshoot... think about the ideal situation... what reaction would be healthier for you?

At this point, if your emotion was negative, you may be feeling disappointed in your reaction. Remember that you are in control of your choices, you choose how to react, how to feel.

Allow yourself to be still, forgive yourself for any disappointments, or resonate with the positive emotion you experienced.

Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nostrils, exhaling through your mouth. In come new opportunities, out go the past experiences. In comes positivity, out goes negativity. In comes hope, out goes frustration.

When you're ready, go change the world...



Does it surprise you that observing the self (the method I described above) is nothing more than a self-accomplished body scan/meditation/problem-solving event? Practices like these bolster mindfulness - conscious awareness of your sensations, thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Practicing mindfulness has been scientifically proven to improve the way your brain functions. Biologically, it increases the number of neural pathways in the brain and can even create NEW pathways. This helps you think more clearly, generally speaking. It works by stimulating a part of your brain that connects both sides - the left & right hemispheres - allowing you to process emotions logically and make sense of your experiences. Practicing mindfulness, along with other relaxation techniques and cognitive therapies, also improves your brain's ability to produce certain neurotransmitters, putting you at a lower risk of developing brain disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression, and schizophrenia.

Putting it to work...

There are many things I've learned about myself by using this method. Lately, I've been getting extremely angry. There is always a trigger, and it's easily identified. However, I do not like that my response to these triggers is such violent anger. Over time, I've become very aware of my emotions and at the point I begin feeling this anger, I'm able to observe it before reacting to it. I'm not successful EVERY time, but 9 times out of 10, when I feel angry, I'm able to diffuse it quickly with healthy means. On the occasion that I'm NOT successful, I forgive myself and take appropriate actions as well as reflecting upon how the situation could be better handled.

One example, which tends to be how I lose my temper most of the time, is when dealing with my child. Communication can be extremely difficult with those that are close. I find it far easier to deal with strangers than with my own family. At least, it's easier to control my emotions when dealing with strangers...

My son has a mild mental retardation. He appears mostly normal, he is quite a bit behind his age group in the academic arena, but he is still able to do more than originally expected at this point. I was told, rather bluntly, not to expect him to "catch up" to the rest of the children his age. In other words, this is a permanent disability. Regardless of his issues, I love my son. I am very supportive of him and do all that I can to help him learn new skills and reinforce good behavior. About 2 years back, he started to behave in a strange manner. He was frequently misbehaving and disobeying, which sent me into a tizzy. It seemed like he responded only to yelling and negative attention, never my attempts to answer him quietly and calmly. When he behaved well and I rewarded him, that's when he would act out - almost as a means of rejecting the reward.

One time, after several days of good behavior, I asked him what he'd like to do as a reward... his choice was going to the movies. On the way to the theater, and without any known trigger, he started to cry and lean against the door of the car. He wouldn't tell me what was bothering him and he just kept on. When I tried to talk to him, he would hit me. At one point, he even tried to bite me. When we got to the theater, he wouldn't get out of the car. I was heartbroken that he was behaving this way. I was excited to be spending time with him and going to the movies - the very thing he chose to do. I was baffled.

To my horror, outbursts like this - and even worse - happened in many public places.

He has been in counseling for the past year and a half now. He has learned a few coping skills over that time. Considering that I have issues dealing with my own emotions, it is extremely difficult to deal with his explosions and outbursts, especially because he does them in public places! I'm not talking your typical bad behavior... it is out of the ordinary behavior... but thank God, it has mostly resolved. He and I do communicate better now. I think we could do even better if I were able to control my temper a little more.

For some reason, when it comes to him, it infuriates me when he has these tantrums. I try to logically work through my feelings about the situation... and I tell myself that it's not his fault, he has a disability, maybe he doesn't understand his behaviors, maybe there are things at work that I don't even know about. It really challenges me, as a parent, to go through these kinds of experiences. I have to remind myself to be a good example (which isn't easy!), at the same time, I am so blown away by the ridiculous, unwarranted behavior. Even the simplest thing can trigger this reaction from him, so how can I logically avoid it? It's disheartening.

Now, when it does happen and he refuses to let up, I find myself going over the top. It hurts... it hurts both of us. I find myself yelling. I hate it when I hear myself yelling! When everything finally settles down, I always apologize for losing my temper. But God knows, I'd rather prevent it from happening altogether. I only pray I get better at handling his outbursts.

In the meantime, observing the self helps me to think through what I could have said, what I can say next time, and plan out some strategies to handle him better in the future. It takes a lot of energy to deal with these issues, but I know that my work has paid off. Last week, I realized that he has one tantrum every weekend - just one. That's an improvement from 2 years ago! And the way I deal with the tantrums has changed, too. There are many times I'm able to catch it before it turns into a full-blown outburst.

Now to work on handling them appropriately 10 times out of 10... God help me! I'm working on slowing down my reaction time, in general, and taking time to think through the ways people would possibly respond to my choice of words. I think this is a natural part of maturing, a natural part of parenting. But for me, I feel it is extra-challenging. There are so many intricacies to take into consideration.

Nothing adequately prepares you for a life with bipolar disorder, but DEFINITELY, nothing adequately prepares you to be a good parent with bipolar disorder. It is hard... but I love my son too much to stop working at it.

The Worst Part

The worst part about having a mental illness is the fact that no matter how much I read about my illness, learn about it, it still does not make me immune to it. I wish that having the knowledge meant it would no longer plague my life.

Of course, you learn strategies and skills that help you deal with it better and, in the very least, help you understand some of the "why" questions... over time, your relapses seem to last for shorter periods of time and they are stretched farther apart. But there will always be a part of me that longs for a life free of these issues. I wish I never had to face another relapse. I wish I didn't have to work so hard at just living, staying alive, every single day.

IT. IS. EXHAUSTING!

And it's rather insulting that - after years of dealing with these illnesses and their complications... after having struggled with accepting my own diagnosis and need for help... after having gone through denial, shame, and self-forgiveness - people insinuate that I was misdiagnosed. It threatens to raise a lot of self-doubt that I have already laid to rest. It comes like a slap on the face and rouses my defensive resources. Now that I've become an "expert" in my own illness, you think I'm faking it? That I just want to be depressed or manic all the time? What do I have to gain from that??!

Many people (upon finding out I have bipolar disorder) make similar statements: "I would never guess someone like you could have bipolar disorder" or "You don't come across as being bipolar" or "You seem to be functioning too well to be mentally ill."

These comments make you feel desperate to prove you're genuinely sick because you want nothing more than to be understood. If people could (first) understand that I have these issues and then appreciate the effort I put forth to go on with my life, perhaps they could set aside their judgmentalism and be a little more gentle with me. I guess that's asking a lot, seeing as our society doesn't reward gentleness anymore.

So, in the process of trying to let people see this vulnerable side of me, it sets me up for judgment and sometimes gives people a totally different impression of me. I've been thinking about it for awhile now... I haven't decided yet... I struggle with these contradictions... Do I continue to share the deepest, darkest parts of me to possibly help another? Or do I hide it to save myself from others' judgments?

I've written about a lot of personal things in my blog, but there is SO MUCH MORE that I keep private because I'm just not sure I can deal with the consequences. It's a shame, too, because this blog is therapy for me. In order to process thoughts and ideas or deal with issues in my life, I need to be free to work through them without the fear of criticism and judgment. I've questioned using a public blog for such things... in the end, my hope lies in not just working through my own issues, but helping others who identify with similar issues. Plus, everyone wants to be heard. It's not a crime. And I won't apologize for being human.

Self-reflection and blogging: helpful recovery tools

I've wanted to blog the last few days but have been unable to isolate a topic I'd like to blog about. I thought perhaps I could talk about the ideas I'm reading about in 2 books. Right now, my mind is consumed with these ideas to the point that I feel overwhelmed... I can feel my brain swell and pulse as I get more into the books.

#1 - I'm reading a book I got as a gift from my sister, Michelle, called "How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth" - click on the image below to buy a copy!

To be honest, the book frustrates me because it talks at great length about the fact that people can/do grow physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but I haven't reached the part where it talks about HOW as of yet. I find it somewhat contradicting at times. Ever since I began studying psychology, I've always taken on the experiential model and I find it hard to relate to the case studies used in the book to illuminate the author's ideas. For example, one co-author, Henry Cloud, states in the book that one should live up to expectations of another but that for another to have these expectations is controlling (and wrong). Contradicting ideals. I find it hard to read because of things like this, even though most of it appears to cover topics I've already studied in-depth from other sources - just from a Christian perspective. I do find it interesting to read from a Christian psychotherapist and compare with that of the other book I'm currently reading.


#2 - I'm reading one of my favorite authors and researchers, Daniel Siegel's "Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation" - click on the image below to buy a copy!

Dr. Siegel is a proponent of mindfulness-based therapies as primary treatment for mental illness. His revolutionary approach aims to help individuals strengthen their abilities, train their brains to focus attention, integrate brain functions across the hemispheres and in specialized cells throughout the body: a means of becoming a director of their thoughts, feelings, and internal life (mind) - to truly experience them all - rather than merely powerlessly succumbing to them and identifying each and every thought or feeling as a definition of who you are as an individual. Siegel explains how people suffering from mental illness experience a state of unintegrated brain functioning, resulting in dysregulation. The book also gives examples of how to hone skills that allow integration and incorporates case studies that make sense and offer a clarifying view of his life's work and passion.

I constantly find myself identifying with his nostalgic retelling of Medical School and his dissatisfaction with the way medicine was practiced (and taught) 25 years ago - without the recognition that health encompasses the wellness of the mind in an intricate collaboration with the body and that brain functioning determines the fitness of both. My hope - and what led to me this book in the first place - is that mindfulness-based awareness practices will be more heavily researched as a treatment for bipolar disorder (which he talks about in his book) as well as other affective/mood disorders so that there is scientific proof of what I, and other researchers such as Dr. Siegel, believe to be true: the healing power we all desperately need can be found within ourselves and can only be summoned using our own awareness that it (1) exists (2) exists within us and (3) must be practiced/controlled to bring us to good mental health.

I do use a lot of mindful practices in day-to-day life, some without realizing it. I will talk about a few of them in my blog (starting at the end of this entry) because I think you will find that they are things we all do at some point, and could benefit from practicing more often. I recommend reading this book, but be warned that it will make your head spin at times. There is a lot of terminology and sharing of medical science that reach far beyond the scope of the average lay-person (in my opinion). If you are enthralled with the human brain, you will LOVE it! If you find it hard to read, take it in small chunks. I've done a lot of reading about neuroscience and most of what I'm reading in this book is NOT new to me, yet I find it overwhelming at times. It's a lot of information to process...

I have another book, by Ronald Siegel, from which I've used excerpts to offer recovery tools/skills to my support group on occasion. I do intend to read it from cover-to-cover when I finish with Mindsight if I have enough time left on winter break (from school). It talks more in-depth about how to practice mindfulness and self-awareness and is more of a self-help how-to book than a non-fiction explanation of research findings (like Mindsight). Click below to buy a copy!

One mindfulness skill I've acquired and practiced over time (without knowing it) is self-reflection: reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, life. The thing I find most challenging, though, is to reflect upon them without judgment, without thinking about all of the "shoulds" and wondering what if... Blogging is a means of practicing self-reflection. Many people think of blogs as a way of communicating with others, but I use my blog as a means of communicating, more so, with myself.

I've always been the type to use a journal. I used to write songs and poetry about my feelings and experiences. As I grew older, I shifted to keeping such things more private and tucked away somewhere that nobody would find them or have a reason to look at them, including myself. But as I started to earnestly seek recovery (6 years ago), I started to journal more honestly and openly. And then an amazing thing happened - one day, about 5 years ago, I started to read old journal entries - something out of the norm for me.

I discovered how much I changed, grew over time. I was able to decipher patterns in my moods and started to actually SEE the emotional ups and downs that are the hallmark of bipolar disorder. I began to understand that it wasn't just a diagnosis, it was real, and it was my reality to own up to. That discovery launched me deep into this quest to learn more about my illness and myself. I've had a lot of help along the way and, certainly, various sources of motivation to keep me going. Sometimes it was a fact I learned, a book I read, a blog I saw online, a professor, a classmate's comment, a family member's disbelief, a scientific study, a research paper, etc.

I found that nearly every 3 years my personality changed drastically. Approximately every 3 months, my overall outlook on life changed slowly from one extreme to the other (depression-to-mania). And then, in the last 2 years, I've had far more mixed episodes (long-lasting, too!) than both mania AND depression. I've been told that it is quite unlike a person with bipolar disorder to be able to discern these things. Some even question my diagnosis, as if it was something I wanted for myself - a crutch to lean on, a means of escaping reality. I simply have to laugh, it's the only way I've found it possible to cope with those ignorant comments.

My most recent fascination (as seen in my 2012 blog posts) is based on some of my traumatic past experiences (sexual abuse) and how they have affected my road to recovery, each and every step of the way. I've been diligently seeking for a way to overcome the past hurts and failures, some of which were self-inflicted, to develop into a better person, a brighter future. Being a Freudian, I try to dissect myself and my thoughts/emotions, especially regarding the abuse.

This is why blogging is helpful in my recovery. It is a form of self-psychotherapy, if you will. One that requires postformal thought and meta-cognition - both of which I was incapable of doing up until the last 5 or so years. Considering that I am almost 30 years old and do not have a developmental delay, this is a little surprising to me. (I experienced adolescent-like situations well into my early 20's) I have derived that bipolar disorder, at any age, stunts personal growth & development much like the hormonal rush of puberty encumbers and befuddles the adolescent's quest for personal identity. Therefore, blogging and dissecting my past blog-posts is a self-reflective recovery tool that helps me make sense of my moods, thoughts, reactions, and feelings.

I encourage you to consider journaling for stress relief or self-reflective reasons. There is nothing wrong with journaling just for the sake of getting those thoughts, feelings, emotions OUT and onto paper... it's healthy! Keep in mind that blogging (while it is excessively convenient) is a little more invasive because, after all, it can be read by nearly anyone with internet access. As a leader of a support group, I don't mind sharing my experiences - I do it daily - which is another recovery tool in my box. I hope that something you read in this post has been of help to you.

Friendship

I was sorting through some paperwork from support group meetings and I found something I had written about myself to share with the group during one of our "getting to know you" meetings this summer. I thought I could share it here in the blog for others.


One thing people may or may not know about me is that I'm good at making friends but bad at keeping them.

For many reasons:
I self-isolate during depressive episodes, I am edgy at times/have mood swings, I'm very sensitive, it's hard for me to accept when a friend and I disagree, I hate not spending time with friends but I'm often so busy that I don't get to spend time with them.

I've always been a loner - I'm very publicly friendly and caring, but I'm "hard to handle" in intimate settings. I believe this is partially due to the early sexual, emotional, and physical abuse I suffered.

But I'm very insistent upon becoming a "better person" and I refuse to believe that I am destined for any particular outcome simply because of my past.

I continue to seek my "path" in life by following my passions because I don't know what else to do/I have no other reason to live.

My passions are helping people, becoming a better person, knowing myself, loving others, raising a caring/loving son, being that one person that others can depend on.


I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that finds it hard to make and/or keep friends. Even if it's difficult or painful, it pays to have a support network - a group of people that care about your well-being, who will be there to listen when you need to talk. Even though most of my "friends" don't acknowledge me anymore, don't invite me to hang out anymore, and rarely if ever call/text me anymore, I still consider myself as one of their friends because I am willing to be there for them. I just hope that other people see that in me as well. I'd like to believe I've been there for a few people when they felt like nobody else was there.

Aside from people I refer to as "friends," I do have a group of people I can count on to be there when I need them - my DBSA support group members - who are more than friends, they are actually more like family to me. I cannot express how valuable it can be to have a close relationship with someone who understands your troubles on a personal level. From year to year, the person I'm close with may change, but that doesn't take away from what it means to me just to be able to call someone and talk about what I'm going through without the risk of being judged.

Support groups offer a special kind of friendship and shared burden that regular friendships do not. First of all, there are less expectations. Forget a birthday? No big deal. Secondly, there is mutual confidentiality. Secrets are kept secret, without even being asked to do so. Third, your support group friends expect you to talk about your problems, they know that even at your best you are still struggling with some inner battle and they never overlook your persistence in being well. Lastly, when you are going through a rough patch, your support group friends understand that you can't be there for them - or anyone - at this point in time. They do not hold a grudge against you or expect you to move mountains for them when you are also in need. Support group members find strength in each other's weaknesses and we understand that each of us is human and capable of disappointing. We do not see this as a sin against us or a wrong that has been done, but a normal part of life and an expected happening on the path of recovery.

If you are suffering with a mental illness, I urge you to become part of a support group! There are hundreds to be found, for almost anything you can imagine. Support groups are far better than just "making friends" and I assure you that as you find yourself able to be vulnerable with a person who was once a stranger, and reveal to them what troubles you, that "stranger" will stretch to you a hand of friendship and strength that no other acquaintance can give. So reach out!

A new medicine

It is pretty widely known that bipolar disorder comes with a few specific characteristics and situations. One being the battle to find the right med regimen. Most psychiatrists would agree that their chief complaint (regarding BP) is that a person with bipolar disorder starts a med and goes off the med shortly after, sometimes without good reason but almost always AMA (against medical advice). Thus, making it rather difficult to find the right med regimen for the individual.

I do not mean to question the authority of psychiatrists in general, but I do want to make one thing very clear: not all of us with bipolar disorder make these decisions rashly or without reason - some of us have DAMN GOOD reasons to stop taking our meds. I wish that psychiatrists were trained to "listen" to patients as well as psychologists are trained to do. This could prevent a lot of unethical treatment of persons with bipolar disorder and, I assume, other mental disorders.

As for me, I've mentioned previously in my blog that this is the first time to try meds since roughly 2005. In the past, I "forfeited" psychiatric care because the psychologist refused to meet with me for psychotherapy as long as I refused to take the meds the psychiatrist prescribed. NEVER was there a time when the professionals asked me WHY I felt so strongly about the med regimen forced upon me, nor did they try other methods (solely meds and psychotherapy). All that seemed to matter was that I was not med-compliant which somehow translated to be that I was dangerously unstable. I find it very hard to believe that going off meds posed an immediate danger to my psychologist...

I went 7 long years without being medicated, utilizing complementary and alternative means to manage my bipolar disorder and all without the help of a trained professional. It hasn't been easy, but I've had no other options! I do attribute much of my success to the free, peer-led DBSA support group, Possibilities, which I found in 2005. There were no other resources I could find that would help me after North Central turned me away. I walked a very lonely road in my recovery and found opposition at every corner... all because I wanted to go off the meds that were making me want to/attempt to kill myself.

What most people don't know is how I reacted to all of the different meds the doctors tried. I struggled through an anguishing journey of self-loathing and self-mutilation, deep depression and suicidal ideation. Self-medicating with alcohol, which doesn't mix well with drugs, because I didn't understand what was happening to me or why it was happening. Nobody attempted to teach me about my disorder, everyone looked upon me with judgmental eyes. I never made my feelings about that known to the professionals because they would just tell me it's another symptom of bipolar disorder... so why bother? I wasn't encouraged to talk about what I wanted for my recovery, I was only encouraged to talk about what happened in my past - which gave me horrible nightmares and flashbacks that caused so much trauma and further pain. No one tried to help me manage the pain or work through it logically... they just wanted to find out if the medicine was working to make me behave in an acceptable manner. I couldn't function on the meds, I had no self-control. I wasn't living... I was merely surviving... BARELY. I tried to request a new counselor but they wouldn't allow it for one reason or another.

New to bipolar disorder, I sought answers that nobody could give me, and I desperately wanted an end to the "madness" I was feeling. I attempted suicide 8 times that I can remember... I decided to go off the medicine because I became so afraid that I would try to take my own life again. On the meds, I couldn't think for myself, I wasn't in control of my thoughts or behaviors. It felt like someone else had taken over... all I could feel was sadness or numbness, nothing else. I wanted to give myself a chance to THINK and WORK THROUGH my depressive episodes, so I took a chance, I went off meds even though it cost me helpful treatment options and I started to learn coping mechanisms that the psychologists never offered me. I learned cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, stress reduction, relaxation techniques, and other helpful tools for recovery. In college, I took up Psychology as my major and learned about abnormal psych and specific conditions. I researched pathophysiology and neuroscience that links psychology to (mostly Freudian) theories about personality and habituation. I did what most professionals didn't think was possible for me to do - discovered for myself what works and doesn't work in my own recovery.

I have come to a point in my life where I am weary of trying so hard to maintain a sense of balance. I now realize that I am constantly at war in my head, with thoughts of a very negative and even morbid nature, images that haunt me from my past, fear of what could happen, and ideas of death that scare me into wanting to try pharmacotherapy again.

So, I have sought the help of a new doctor and tried a new med regimen recently, which I had to "go off" again because of the recent, severe suicidal ideation (again!). I bet you're not surprised...

I so desperately want to live and I mean I want to LIVE - be an active part of society again, make my own decisions, be independent - like I had been striving to do these last few years. My life may not seem glamorous or desirable to most, but at least I'm working through it and toward a new beginning. I was working toward living independently, having a job, getting out on my own, building a supportive network. What I have built so far isn't much, but it was good enough for me... until recently. Now, I have suddenly lost all sense of purpose and achievement. I have lost all motivation, I have no drive to continue. Since I talked about my apprehensions and concerns in my last post, I won't go into anymore detail.

Last week, I started a new medicine: Amitriptyline. Nasty side effects - irritability, nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, blurred vision. It's supposed to help me sleep but my experience so far is that it doesn't sedate me as much as I'd like, it still takes me 2 or more hours to feel sleepy and I wake up all throughout the night and have difficulty falling back asleep. It's an antidepressant so it should help with some of my other unwanted symptoms of depression, too. We will see... I'm giving it some time to see if it works well, once my body gets used to it. I honestly hope it does work. Stay tuned...

This doesn't make sense to me

8 weeks ago, I was on top of the world.... very busy, but feeling quite satisfied with my life. Now in the nursing program, and doing well at it, in a thriving relationship, and having family support. I truly felt that even though my life wasn't where I wanted it to be just yet, I was fulfilled. I felt content, even happy.

Suddenly, without any signs or symptoms, I fell into a depressive episode. At first, I knew it wasn't as bad as it could get so I wanted to prevent it from getting any worse. I started reading some books about recovery and even the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) and considered putting one of my own together "just in case" things got worse. Of course, after realizing how much work that would be on top of my studying and other obligations, I set that idea aside for another time... regrettably so.

Today, I find myself 8 weeks into a deeper depression than I've experienced in YEARS. My daily struggles differ... some days I struggle to just get out of bed, other days I manage to do that but can't go out in public because I'm too weepy. I cry at almost anything. There is plenty going on in the news to make me tear up and cry when my own thoughts aren't horrible enough. But the majority of the time I cry, it's because I hate the thoughts that come into my mind. Thoughts of dying, not having to live through this depression. I cry because as much as I want my life to end, I know that this feeling will eventually go away - or at least I hope it will - and I just need to hang on until the tide changes... but it's so painful, it's like torture to me to continue living through this.

I realize that very few can identify with this phenomenon. I have everything I wanted 1 year ago today. I'm preparing for my upcoming wedding to the man of my dreams, who deserves to be honored for his support during my weakest times such as these. I completed the first 1/4 of my nursing education and am only 1 and 1/2 years away from a new career. I don't - off the top of my head - think of anything that could have triggered this depression for me. I am confounded and even a little angry. Why me? I know all the tricks and I help other people get through their depression, I teach other people coping mechanisms - that I do employ myself - so this should be easy for me. If I cannot think my way out of it, what hope is there for me?

And that's it. I guess I feel hopeless. Will it end? Will I go back to being myself eventually? I guess I've had longer depressive episodes before, lasting months... but I don't want that to happen now. I can't imagine starting back up at school in January and having to deal with these feelings while trying to attend school full-time... in my mental health rotation, of all things. How am I going to learn to help others with mental illness as a nurse if I go into my education in that arena having a mental health crisis of my own?

I worry a lot. I find myself having panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking up in a confused, depressed state. I cry.... a lot. And I don't want anyone to see that. Because it's not who I normally am. I think about death and dying all the time. I want to die... all the time. The only excuse I can find to keep suffering through and holding on for the mood change is that I have a beautiful 10-year-old boy who would be left without a mother if I were dead. Sometimes I think the other reason I have to hold on is because I make that last statement known to other people... like some form of accountability comes from voicing my feeling of wanting to die. I do share my thoughts with others and I have to commend the few people who - in one way or another - reached out to me because they KNOW I'm not myself right now. I keep trying new things to change my situation. I haven't given up... yet.

I cry... and I cry... and I cry. It feels like an endless hell and nobody can feel it but me. What hurts the most is that I can't find a reason why I feel this way. There is no reason. I keep telling people that... if there was a reason, I could probably fix this and feel better. But there is no reason... I can't fix it... I'm just literally WAITING until it passes. And I'm growing SO TIRED of waiting. Sometimes it seems like that's all I ever do in life... wait. I'm not a very patient person but I think I've proven myself otherwise with how much I've waited for what I wanted in the past. It took over 3 years to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with the love of my life. That's a long time. Some people can't wait an hour... I had to wait more than 3 years!! And even though we are engaged to be married, it will be over a year before we live under the same roof. I feel like I'm going to go crazy before it finally happens. I worry about the wedding, about school, about where we will live, finding a job when I graduate... and so many other day-to-day things. I keep telling myself... these are just thoughts and a thought can be changed.

I really believed that talking about it would make me feel better. After all, that's why I finally convinced myself to blog about it. I think it keeps me real to any readers out there. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after all, so I'm expected to have these undulations of mood. I've been blessed so far in the last 3 years with having mostly manic episodes which are productive, mostly happy, and VERY APPEALING compared to THIS, whatever this is that I'm experiencing now.

Christmas is less than 5 days away. Usually, my mood starts to suffer in mid-November and the depression peaks for me around Valentine's day then starts to pick-up around St. Patrick's day. And even though depression is a norm for me this time of year, it's far worse this year than the last three. I'm not saying that it's the worst it could be, but it's the worst I've experienced in a while... and I really thought (like a fool) that it was because I was managing my moods the best I ever have since being diagnosed. I just don't get it... But I guess there are counselors and psychiatrists who also get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Depression. I suppose I'm not the only person who thrived at life and then suddenly experienced a crisis.

I know life isn't fair and all of the other cute little anecdotes that people tell you to cheer you up when you're feeling down... but to tell you the truth, I really hate those cutesy little quotes. When people say those things, no matter how well-meaning they are - all I hear is "I can't possibly fathom how bad you feel right now but this is the best I can come up with." It's a waste of words, I guess. It doesn't make me feel any better... sometimes it makes me feel worse. I'd rather someone be really REAL with me and speak the truth. Maybe one day someone will surprise me and say "I have no idea what it's like for you right now, so there probably isn't much I can do to make you feel better." Instead of just thinking that and using it as a cop-out to just do nothing for me in my time of need.

I have so many thoughts that I cannot even blog about them all tonight. I'm just so weary... if you're reading this and you're a praying person, please pray for me. I do believe in prayers. I think it's the best thing anyone can do for me right now, because I can't even make sense of anything at this point. And if you do pray for me, please know that I'm not in a place to be thinking straight and I might not show my appreciation the way you want me to, but I DO appreciate you.

Unwell

This bout of depression brings about many sad days. Sometimes, I think I've found the trigger. Other times, I feel like I have no idea what I'm dealing with... when the depression is so overwhelming and my thoughts become so unlike "me." The thoughts can be so overwhelming that it takes over my entire day. The medicine doesn't seem to help. But then, maybe it's the cause?

In the past, when I was on meds back in 2004 and 2005, I used to get suicidal and I even had several attempts. I think the mood stabilizer is doing it's job and perhaps I'm just not used to the lack of ups and downs which has been the norm for me throughout my entire life. It is hard to adjust and maybe that's what is causing me to feel depressed so often... the lack of the mania, the high, that tricked me for so long into believing I was actually happy. Is it possible?

I just hope that it ends soon because it is taking its toll on me and I have no enjoyment and certainly no passion or drive. I cannot adjust, I refuse to adjust to THIS version of me. This is not what I want for my life. I DO want to level out my moods and get better sleep, not be so afraid all of the time, to lessen the anxiety and panic attacks... but I do NOT want to sacrifice a mere sense of happiness and my overall feeling of well-being. After all, as I've said before, if you don't FEEL well, you're simply NOT well.