I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...

I haven't been able to log in for the last year or so and I've been so busy with life that I've gotten away from blogging. But I really need to blog. Like, seriously. So, you'll be seeing more of me from now on. Cheers!

Laziness vs. Productivity

I am a type A personality, OCD, ADHD, everything has a place and it must be in it's place or I feel a deep sense of uneasiness, can't sleep, can't concentrate, etc. And part of having those issues also means that I feel like I cannot waste even 1 minute. Which means, if I'm waiting on the microwave to heat something up, I cannot just stand there and wait... or look at text messages... I must be doing something. I'll fidget around, see what I can organize nearby, go to my room, see if anything needs to be rearranged in there, and I come running back to the microwave to see I still have 25 seconds left... and STILL I will try to find something to accomplish in that time frame.

I have always been one that feels a great sense of self-worth based on accomplishments. I'm a lister. I make lists for everything. It takes me longer to make my lists than it does to do everything on the list sometimes. Making the list is yet one more accomplishment for me. I strive to be organized and I feel very stressed out when my room is in disarray (which it is more often than not lately). I like my books and movies categorized, alphabetized, stacked straight, size gradient, and packed firmly into the space where they are. I like to have inventory lists of the movies I own and books I own, so when I'm shopping on black Friday I don't buy a movie I've already bought before. I like certain earrings to be in a certain separator of the organize I use because it makes them easier to find. It's all about saving time, saving steps, and doing as much as I can possibly do with as little effort as possible.

That's why there are some things I will never do. That's why the 1 dish that's sitting in the sink drives me nuts. That's why the DVD that's still in the player and not in it's box and back on the shelf bothers the hell out of me. These are such little things to other people and it causes them no problems whatsoever to go about their day in these conditions... but it causes me problems! Anxiety, stress, being irritable... extremely irritable!

I have my reasons for why I do things and over the years I have learned that in order to control my symptoms, these are the routines and steps I need to take to maintain a relative sense of sanity and well-being.

People don't get it, though. They think it's just a pet peeve or a preference... no... it causes mental anguish for me! The shoe you just took off at the door is laying on it's side and the right and left are facing opposite directions... this irritates me to the point that I will walk over and fix it!! If I don't fix it, I will think about it pretty much the entire time you are at my house. Yes, these things bother me greatly. Just because I don't say anything, doesn't mean it's all kosher in my mind. I'm not judging you - don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that your way is wrong and how you do things is less superior or in any way less okay... but FOR ME, I know my limitations and my needs. I have worked very hard over the years to simmer down on some of these issues.

One main issue I've been dealing with is being over-booked with things to do. I handle my manic episodes by being very active and productive, which is great because during my depressive episodes I might not accomplish anything and then it's a good thing I got ahead while I felt better. However, I started turning down projects, turning down opportunities, spending less time doing "stuff" and more time doing what I want. When I do my laundry, I enjoy it (for the most part) because I'm not rushing. I can take time to smell the freshness of the clothes right out of the dryer. As I'm folding them, I give a quick sniff or feel the softness, rub my hands across the microfiber to feel it's smooth, soothing texture. I'm more mindful about what I do.

I've had a little more time to cook and spend with my son, more time to rest, more time to think... more time to realize that maybe I didn't need to do all that I was doing. I don't know yet what I'm gonna do in the future or what I'm gonna feel like tomorrow. I plan my days down to the minute... but I'm learning to be more flexible, to loosen up my schedule, to relax and give myself time to recharge. I'm just beginning to understand it's importance. I'm just beginning to work it in... to actually do it.

Yesterday, I had what I call a lazy day. I did 4 loads of laundry, folded and hung them all, everything in it's place. I gave myself a 2 hour manicure and painted my fingernails while listening to music and chatting on facebook. I wore my pajamas all day long and didn't give a crap. When the laundry was done, I decided to go grocery shopping... ran around town like a crazy woman for 2 hours trying to find a sewing table so I could sew some of my projects today. By the time I got home, that 2 hours drained me so much. I realized... my day wasn't as lazy as I thought! I paid bills, I did laundry, I cooked, I spent 2 hours on self-care, I ran errands, bought groceries... pretty full day for most people!! But to me, it felt like I accomplished nothing.

Today, I had all these aspirations to sew and organize and move furniture around and sort paperwork and clean out my closet and manage my facebook yardsale business.... blah! I woke up with a full-blown fibromyalgia flare-up. My pain meds didn't come in the mail so I'm trying to cope with just NSAIDs and my rice pack (heat). I feel so blah, I feel so unaccomplished, and so very deeply depressed. I want to know why I feel depressed when I do not accomplish something... in fact, getting out of bed was an accomplishment! But what is wrong with my mind that I cannot wrap around the fact that normal people have free time where they do nothing, or they can do anything they want, like listen to music, go for a walk, sit and watch the sun set, watch tv, talk on the phone to a friend.... I just feel so guilty if I do any of these things and I'm not doing something else. Multi-tasking. I must multi-task. I do it all the time, no matter what I'm doing, scares the hell out of people sometimes or annoys them because they think I'm not paying attention to what they are saying/doing. Most cases - 9 out of 10 - I am multi-tasking and I'm in the zone. But dang... it's exhausting!!

I need a break. I know people who will judge and say that I don't need a vacation or that I need to stop running around and doing things like taking the kids to Six Flags or going to an arcade, etc. But these are the things I want to do with my time - I enjoy them. I want more time to do these things and I am using the time I do have to take advantage of the opportunity while my child is still young to make memories with him. Problem is... I live as though there won't be a tomorrow because I am so afraid that my physical condition will worsen and I won't be able to do these things anymore. I have many reasons for all the things I do... which brings me to the last thing I will say in this entry.

I am a VERY thoughtful person and there is nothing that I do without thinking it through. I think very long and hard about things, I weigh options and I evaluate/calculate consequences. I am methodical, logical, and reasonable. Which is why it makes me mad when people question why I do things the way I do. It's frankly none of their business. But as a closing statement, I recognize that I overanalyze everything and sometimes I just need to go with the flow and be more flexible, which is what I am working on right now.

The effects of trauma on brain development and what you can do to reverse the damage!

Recently, I presented this information to the members of the DBSA IL Valley support group regarding trauma and how it stunts development of neuronal networks and rewires the activity of the brain - hardwiring us for a chronic physical cycle of the stress response. I will share some of that info with my blog-readers as well.

Disclaimer: None of this research is my own - I have just compiled some information that I have read and taken an interest in for the last couple of years!

For a basic introduction, please watch the video below. It is less than 5 minutes long:




It is more important than ever to diagnose and treat depression proactively because it can been summarized (and is scientifically proven) that "helplessness" causes our brains to chemically react and trigger a survival instinct - "fight or flight" response - and when experienced chronically, will change our long-term brain chemistry and function. According to Dr. Bremner, "Brain areas implicated in the stress response include the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. Traumatic stress can be associated with lasting changes in these brain areas. Traumatic stress is associated with increased cortisol and norepinephrine responses to subsequent stressors. Antidepressants have effects on the hippocampus that counteract the effects of stress... Antidepressant treatments have been shown to block the effects of stress and/or promote neurogenesis" (Traumatic stress: effects on the brain, National Center for Biotechnology Information 2006). For a more elaborate explanation of the stress/helplessness response, please view the video below. It is about 15 minutes long:




The hippocampus (memory center) and amygdala (fear center) - 2 parts of the limbic system in the brain - play large roles in the stress response. Hormones called glucocorticoids are responsible for shrinking the hippocampus. When the hippocampus shrinks, it makes learning very challenging and somewhat impossible. Memories developed during this period of hippocampus inactivity are only stored short-term and elicit a strong emotional response upon recall. Normally, the hippocampus and amygdala work in syncrhony, producing effective long-term memories. When one of these is not functioning appropriately, the other is jump-started into a hyper-reactive state. For example, the shrunken hippocampus triggers the amygdala (fear center) to become over-reactive to stimuli (subconscious feeling of being threatened), firing excessively (survival mode), initiating/perpetuating the stress response.

One glucocorticoid, Cortisol, known as the "stress hormone," is released by the adrenal gland (which sits on top of the kidneys much like a hat). The release of cortisol is maintained by the HPA-axis (hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis), marking the beginning of a vicious feedback cycle that we call the "stress response." In essence, the hypothalamus tells the adrenal gland when to secrete cortisol and when it is released, it raises blood sugar levels, weakens the immune system, halts digestion but increases gastric acid formation, results in water retention, prevents access to previously stored memories, increases blood pressure, causes a spike in adrenaline, and shuts down the reproductive system... among many other things! These responses coupled with changes in neurotransmitter levels, blood chemistry, and pH levels perpetuate the stress response further with the additional release of cortisol and the production of epinephrine and adrenaline.

Why is the stress response important in regards to trauma?

Chronic stress alters brain chemistry and "prunes" neuronal pathways in the brain, resulting in memory loss, inability to attain proper brain function, and emotional dysregulation as well as the loss of executive functions. An adult with a history of trauma may be unable to attain emotional intelligence, have behavioral problems, respond inappropriately to social cues, exhibit learning difficulties, present with signs and symptoms of ADHD, and have difficulty building and/or maintaining relationships. As more research becomes available, perhaps doctors will forego diagnosing individuals with a myriad of mental illnesses and begin to treat the initial trauma that caused the cascade of brain dysfunction. Even now, researchers are coining the term "brain disorder" as an alternative to "mental illness." They have come to realize that many characteristics of mental illness arise from pathology related to experienced trauma (or "helplessness") as opposed to genetic predispositions at birth. This is a HUGE move forward in the mental health realm!


RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

While no one form of therapy works for all individuals, there are a few that have shown great promise in the healing of trauma. One we discussed at the group meeting is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), developed by Francine Shapiro, which addresses the unresolved traumatic memories of events. Many people who suffer from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) avoid any recollection of traumatic events and further avoid anything that is known to trigger a flashback of such events and/or memories. In contrast, EMDR requires an individual to recall these painful memories while being stimulated visually with rapid eye movements, usually in a back and forth motion. This eye movement elicits a response in the optic nerve, and the individual is then asked to elicit a positive memory or thought. As the eyes move laterally, this movement activates the hippocampus, allowing memories to be "overwritten" in a sense, gradually de-intensifying the negative memory and replacing it with a stronger, positive one.

EMDR is known to be helpful for individuals living with PTSD, eating disorders, addictions, panic attacks, anxiety, and severe depression. Read here for more information about EMDR or click here to find an EMDR-trained therapist near you.

Mindfulness has also been found extremely helpful when dealing with trauma. Read my blog post about mindfulness here.

Manic Episodes & Guilt

It's hard to describe mania to someone who's never experienced it, let alone anything like it. But I will try...

My mania starts out as a tingling sensation deep down, an intuitive sense that everything in the universe is aligned perfectly for me, there is no need to doubt my ability and talents. I fearlessly plan a future full of goals to achieve. I become so zealous that I can't find enough things to do with my time... to keep my mind occupied. And slowly, maybe within a day up to a week, the overconfidence generates a vigor - a desire to strive for endless accomplishment - an incredible drive that you hope & pray leads you to enlightenment, your zenith.

At this point, I feel my best! Flying high... lofty goals, mapping out my dreams... and fully believing that I can accomplish any of the things I set out to do.

Then the body starts to overcompensate. I get a rush of adrenaline at random times throughout the day. I become hypersensitive, super alert to my surroundings, to noises, to events. It starts getting hard to concentrate. I lose focus, no matter how hard I try to meditate and clear my mind. Reading, even the most interesting of subject, becomes nearly impossible. Eyes bouncing all over the page, darting across the room at the slightest hint of activity. Unable to direct my attention to any particular task, I devise a plan of attack - to avoid places, people, things that overstimulate my senses. It can work at times, but only short-term.

Irritability is at an all-time high. I can go from 0-60 in 1.5 seconds! Saying the wrong word to me, or breathing in a loud manner, could set me off. And God forbid that things don't go my way today... because LOOK OUT!!! I'm no longer in control of my reactions. I am imprisoned in the capsule of my body, watching as a spectator all of the things that come to pass. I feel embarrassed by my harsh words, my quick judgment. I am mortified by my openness and vulgarity. I am humiliated by my crudeness. And the thought that in the near future I'd have to apologize for all of these things and make amends - that part really sucks. I want to sob, I want to plead for forgiveness. I want someone to notice that I'm not in control. I want someone to tell me that it's okay, that I'm going to be okay, that I'm safe. But nobody can see me crumbling on the inside... my desperate cries never reach the outside. I'm trapped in a bipolar manic spin and I can't get out...

All I can do is ride out the episode. And when it winds down, nearing the end... damage control. The problem is that I can't take back any words that are said. I can't fix all of the problems I create. I can't simply get back a job I quit in a manic frenzy or rebuild a friendship that I've torn to pieces in the previous few hours or days. Like a hurricane, the manic episode has ripped my world apart. It's going to take some time to rebuild, to re-up. And each time I experience another manic episode, the stakes get higher, the damage is more devastating, and the resulting losses increase.

What I wouldn't give to be able to put a stop to these episodes altogether! If only people could understand it from my point of view, they might be a little less judging. They might be a little more compassionate. They might not hold a grudge against me for something that was done in a psychotic rage. But we are all humans and we humans have feelings. Unfortunately for me, emotions are sometimes the hardest things to recover after a manic episode. People often forget what you said and did, but they rarely forget how you've made them feel.

To my readers with a family member or friend with bipolar disorder, I beg you to be kind, comforting, and even forgiving. I'm not making excuses for bad social etiquette or unruly behavior or crime. I'm merely pleading with you to take a humanistic perspective and realize that there is someone on the inside dying to be released. If your loved one trusts you, perhaps they will open up to you and tell you how they feel so you can avoid catastrophe. But that trust will never be grown if you judge, ridicule, belittle, or remind your loved one of the wrongs they've done against you.

The hardest thing about rebuilding after a manic episode is forgiving yourself for all that has transpired. It has taken me YEARS to forgive myself for some of the past episodes, and I'm still working on it. The guilt is unimaginable, unbearable at times. And it's my guilt that marks the beginning of the steep downward spiral into the next depressive episode... every. damn. time.

Be Grateful, For Goodness Sake!

I recently posted this on my facebook page and I think it's worth posting in my blog, too.

If you feel the need to complain about how your life has turned out so far, take a look at the choices that brought you there. Nobody made those choices for you... and if you feel differently, continuing to blame someone for your position in life will only guarantee that you stay miserable. It is amazing how people continue to take their God-given blessings for granted, day in and day out.

My life is far from what I want it to be, but I don't want sympathy. I remain grateful for the things I have and the people who are a part of my life. Why must we humans act as if every hardship is the worst form of suffering fathomable to humankind? I, too, am sometimes guilty of feeling sorry for myself... especially lately. But when people complain to me, whose situations are far better off than my own, it seriously aggravates me. I'm learning to let go of disappointment, and that's what you should strive to do, too. You think you suffer? I can think of MILLIONS of people on this Earth who have it FAR worse off than you...

Don't complain to me if you want sympathy. Because if you do, I will tell you the same thing I tell myself when I start feeling pitiful... "keep making good choices and those hardships you're facing will turn into stepping stones that lead to a better future."

Blessings come in all shapes and forms. And I strongly believe that God rewards faithfulness and gratitude. The more thankful we are, the more we find that we have to be thankful for!

Even the most desolate person in the most dire situation still has something to be grateful for. LIFE is a gift! And as long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than there is wrong with you. What a miracle God has given us - this body that is so complex and works in such mysterious ways that even highly trained and knowledgeable scientists do not fully understand - even after thousands of years of research and experimentation!!

Celebrate what you have, who you are, and who stands by you today... because you might not get a tomorrow...

And for goodness sake, stop complaining to me about your "problems!!" Because I don't see them as problems, but rather as opportunities. I WILL pray for you, because I AM sorry that you don't see it the same way as I do. And that's all the response you're going to get from me for now on! Anything that doesn't add to my life positively is surely sucking the energy right out of me. And I'm putting a stop to it TODAY.

If you want prayers, I will gladly help out in that way...

Thanks and have a grateful day!!!!!!

Wedded Bliss

I've been told my wedding was magical, perfect, romantic, well-planned. But knowing how stressed out I was and how many things went wrong on the week leading up to the wedding and the very day of the wedding, I always feel the need to argue that it wasn't as magical as they think. Regardless, the fact of the matter is, my wedding day will be a day that I remember forever. And the pictures didn't capture the stress and exhaustion I was feeling (see below) - which is a good thing.



The truth is, I could list all of the things that went wrong... or I can tell you all of the wonderful things that happened and how much I enjoy being newly married even with my husband over 1,000 miles away...

I choose to focus on the positive!

I got to meet several of my husband's friends from overseas. This was an enriching experience for me, because I have not been able to meet his family yet. To meet people who shared his culture and heritage meant a lot to me - to have them at our wedding meant even more! I felt so blessed that they traveled from all corners of the world to be with us on our special day.

My yellow tulips turned out so beautifully. I chose yellow tulips randomly one day about 6 months before the wedding... it just came to me out of the blue without reason. When I started to look around for the flowers, I was told they were out of season and weren't able to be ordered for the wedding. This caused me to look up the meaning behind yellow tulips so I could find another flower that was equally stunning. Yellow tulips mean "hopelessly in love" or "perfect love" and after finding that out, I simply HAD TO HAVE the yellow tulips! Nothing would stop me... I finally located them, had to order them through a Peoria Kroger whose wholesaler could get them at a higher cost. I googled Do-It-Yourself tutorials about how to wrap fresh flower bouquet handles and bought all of the supplies. I managed to wrap my own bouquet, my made of honor's bouquet, and 3 boutonnieres for the groom, best man, and ring bearer in the 45 minutes before my hair & makeup appointment on the day of the wedding! I was so proud of my beautiful bouquet and wish I could have frozen it in time and preserved them a lot longer.



A few of my guests told me that the most precious thing that they witnessed during the ceremony (other than our self-written vows) was the elated look on my son's face as he watched his mom marry the man of her dreams. He was ecstatic, beaming! He has been asking us for over a year when we would get married. When he found out we were going to be married, he couldn't wait for the day to arrive. I couldn't see the look on his face, but from what my guests tell me, he was extremely happy. This tickles me to death!



And one of the greatest blessings of all was how many family members, friends, and support group members showed up to help with the set-up and decorations for the wedding and reception. I had a lot on my plate to worry about without having to decorate... they really took a lot of the stress off of me by helping out and I cannot express my gratitude enough! I am amazed at how willing my supportive people were to help out so that I didn't have a "bipolar moment" on my big day. Even though I made it through most of the day - even the ceremony - without being a nervous wreck, I did have a few brief moments of an unpleasant mood while taking pictures. It was raining cats and dogs, I was drenched and freezing cold, and my dress was so muddy that we had to cut the bottom out of pictures so you couldn't see how dirty it had gotten! To top it all off, everyone was shivering cold and wet, and wanted to get pictures over with. My new husband was losing patience and wanted to get back to gisting with his friends. Meanwhile, the pictures are what mattered A LOT to me. I'm all about making memories and photographing them! So, I didn't take too well to my husband's half-hearted smiles and slouching poses. As you can see in some of our preliminary pictures, they didn't turn out too shabby. And you can't even tell that it was pouring down rain!


By the end of the night, I had forgotten about the stress and given in to enjoying my wedding. I was ready to kick back and relax with my new husband for a few hours before he had to leave for California in the early morning. I'm not entirely happy that we can't be together this summer... but I'm learning to cope. I'm keeping myself extra busy and I'm working my butt off trying to earn a little extra money so we can go to Disneyland for our honeymoon in the end of July. This princess desperately wants to go to Disneyland!!! Our day may have started off with a lot of hustle and bustle, sweat and tears; but it ended with a beautiful, clear sky and this wonderful picture that perfectly displays our "magical" relationship.

My 2 Cents

Recently, I took part in a DBSA focus group. They are trying to collaborate about how to improve the future for treatment of mental health and educational materials about mood disorders. Here are 2 of the questions they posed to participants and what my reactions were:


What do you wish your family/support system knew?

Experiencing mania is sometimes terrifying, even though it doesn’t show on my outward appearance. I feel like I’ve lost all control of my mind at times, and I need for people to recognize that the way to get through to me IS NOT by approaching me with a controlling, “do-what-I-tell-you-to-do” attitude. I need someone to tell me that I’m safe and that nothing bad is going to happen to me, or to at least make me feel safe. At that point, I may begin to be able to talk about the storm that’s happening in my brain.


What does your support system need in order to help you when you’re starting to feel either depressed or manic?

They absolutely need to be patient, kind, and non-judgmental. Asking me WHY I feel the way I do is counterproductive. It doesn’t matter WHY I’m feeling depressed or WHAT caused my mania. The fact remains: I’m depressed/manic. The key to moving forward is HOW we’re going to deal with it, NOT what caused it. Experiencing these episodes is expected, predictable even. It is inevitable and usually not avoidable. I think it’s high time that people in my life realize this fact rather than trying to encourage me endlessly to fight against it, as if I can stop it from coming with the mere knowledge of it’s existence. If it were that easy, I would have been bipolar free for years!


What are YOUR thoughts? Leave me a comment if you care to share...