One thing I've learned in the past 6 months is to observe myself more frequently and more consciously.
The process of observation involves more than merely taking notice. Once brought to your awareness, reflection and analysis come into play. It sounds easy... and quite alright, it's no difficult feat. But sometimes, this process can (gently) force you to face your fears, admit your thinking errors, shed light on your secrets, and even challenge your goals. I've listed some tips below for observing the self:
You can do this process ANYWHERE, ANYTIME but you may choose to do it where/when you know that you won't be interrupted so you do not lose your train of thought.
Find a comfortable position.
You may keep your eyes open, but it will help you remain focused if you close your eyes.
Take a deep breath, inhaling through your nostrils only, exhaling through your mouth.
Starting at your head, take notice of how its positioned. Does it cause you any discomfort? Is it tilted to one side? Forwards? Or back?
Notice any tension that may be in your neck and shoulders. Try to relax your muscles so that your shoulders will move downward into a more relaxed position.
Continue with this scan for each muscle group and body part. Your arms, your chest & abdomen, your legs, your hands & feet.
Just take notice of any tension and consciously relax as you go.
Now let your brain do all the work... think about how you've been feeling today. You might want to focus on a smaller time frame, perhaps the last hour or half hour.
Identify your emotions, give them a name. Such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, frustration, anxious, etc.
Ask yourself "How did my body react when I felt this way?" and recall the tension you relieved just a few moments ago.
Think about the cause of the emotion. Why were you feeling that way? What happened?
Do you find that you reacted to a situation? If so, ask yourself "What specifically about the situation made me feel this way?"
Now it's time to troubleshoot... think about the ideal situation... what reaction would be healthier for you?
At this point, if your emotion was negative, you may be feeling disappointed in your reaction. Remember that you are in control of your choices, you choose how to react, how to feel.
Allow yourself to be still, forgive yourself for any disappointments, or resonate with the positive emotion you experienced.
Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nostrils, exhaling through your mouth. In come new opportunities, out go the past experiences. In comes positivity, out goes negativity. In comes hope, out goes frustration.
When you're ready, go change the world...
Does it surprise you that observing the self (the method I described above) is nothing more than a self-accomplished body scan/meditation/problem-solving event? Practices like these bolster mindfulness - conscious awareness of your sensations, thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Practicing mindfulness has been scientifically proven to improve the way your brain functions. Biologically, it increases the number of neural pathways in the brain and can even create NEW pathways. This helps you think more clearly, generally speaking. It works by stimulating a part of your brain that connects both sides - the left & right hemispheres - allowing you to process emotions logically and make sense of your experiences. Practicing mindfulness, along with other relaxation techniques and cognitive therapies, also improves your brain's ability to produce certain neurotransmitters, putting you at a lower risk of developing brain disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression, and schizophrenia.
Putting it to work...
There are many things I've learned about myself by using this method. Lately, I've been getting extremely angry. There is always a trigger, and it's easily identified. However, I do not like that my response to these triggers is such violent anger. Over time, I've become very aware of my emotions and at the point I begin feeling this anger, I'm able to observe it before reacting to it. I'm not successful EVERY time, but 9 times out of 10, when I feel angry, I'm able to diffuse it quickly with healthy means. On the occasion that I'm NOT successful, I forgive myself and take appropriate actions as well as reflecting upon how the situation could be better handled.
One example, which tends to be how I lose my temper most of the time, is when dealing with my child. Communication can be extremely difficult with those that are close. I find it far easier to deal with strangers than with my own family. At least, it's easier to control my emotions when dealing with strangers...
My son has a mild mental retardation. He appears mostly normal, he is quite a bit behind his age group in the academic arena, but he is still able to do more than originally expected at this point. I was told, rather bluntly, not to expect him to "catch up" to the rest of the children his age. In other words, this is a permanent disability. Regardless of his issues, I love my son. I am very supportive of him and do all that I can to help him learn new skills and reinforce good behavior. About 2 years back, he started to behave in a strange manner. He was frequently misbehaving and disobeying, which sent me into a tizzy. It seemed like he responded only to yelling and negative attention, never my attempts to answer him quietly and calmly. When he behaved well and I rewarded him, that's when he would act out - almost as a means of rejecting the reward.
One time, after several days of good behavior, I asked him what he'd like to do as a reward... his choice was going to the movies. On the way to the theater, and without any known trigger, he started to cry and lean against the door of the car. He wouldn't tell me what was bothering him and he just kept on. When I tried to talk to him, he would hit me. At one point, he even tried to bite me. When we got to the theater, he wouldn't get out of the car. I was heartbroken that he was behaving this way. I was excited to be spending time with him and going to the movies - the very thing he chose to do. I was baffled.
To my horror, outbursts like this - and even worse - happened in many public places.
He has been in counseling for the past year and a half now. He has learned a few coping skills over that time. Considering that I have issues dealing with my own emotions, it is extremely difficult to deal with his explosions and outbursts, especially because he does them in public places! I'm not talking your typical bad behavior... it is out of the ordinary behavior... but thank God, it has mostly resolved. He and I do communicate better now. I think we could do even better if I were able to control my temper a little more.
For some reason, when it comes to him, it infuriates me when he has these tantrums. I try to logically work through my feelings about the situation... and I tell myself that it's not his fault, he has a disability, maybe he doesn't understand his behaviors, maybe there are things at work that I don't even know about. It really challenges me, as a parent, to go through these kinds of experiences. I have to remind myself to be a good example (which isn't easy!), at the same time, I am so blown away by the ridiculous, unwarranted behavior. Even the simplest thing can trigger this reaction from him, so how can I logically avoid it? It's disheartening.
Now, when it does happen and he refuses to let up, I find myself going over the top. It hurts... it hurts both of us. I find myself yelling. I hate it when I hear myself yelling! When everything finally settles down, I always apologize for losing my temper. But God knows, I'd rather prevent it from happening altogether. I only pray I get better at handling his outbursts.
In the meantime, observing the self helps me to think through what I could have said, what I can say next time, and plan out some strategies to handle him better in the future. It takes a lot of energy to deal with these issues, but I know that my work has paid off. Last week, I realized that he has one tantrum every weekend - just one. That's an improvement from 2 years ago! And the way I deal with the tantrums has changed, too. There are many times I'm able to catch it before it turns into a full-blown outburst.
Now to work on handling them appropriately 10 times out of 10... God help me! I'm working on slowing down my reaction time, in general, and taking time to think through the ways people would possibly respond to my choice of words. I think this is a natural part of maturing, a natural part of parenting. But for me, I feel it is extra-challenging. There are so many intricacies to take into consideration.
Nothing adequately prepares you for a life with bipolar disorder, but DEFINITELY, nothing adequately prepares you to be a good parent with bipolar disorder. It is hard... but I love my son too much to stop working at it.
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