Regardless if you are working towards learning new coping skills, gaining an education, obtaining employment, or parenting... failing to achieve your self-professed goals can be detrimental to your emotional health.
Although it is not intentional, we all set expectations for ourselves. Many of us compare ourselves to others and want to believe we can achieve the same goals, as if we possess the same capabilities as those we compare ourselves to. This is an unhealthy behavior and a form of self-sabotage. We must learn to stop comparing ourselves to others and focus on improving upon who we were and what we did in the past.
But my past was great and I'm struggling now... why?!?!?!
This question may come to mind. Your emotions are likely situational. Even for those diagnosed with clinical depression or manic depression, your feelings of despair can be merely situational. This is not to say you were misdiagnosed, but some struggles are part of everyone's human experience. Situational emotions can be remedied quite easily. Once the distressing situation no longer exists, these emotions become positive. If they do not, you should probably seek help because it is likely you're suffering a depressive episode.
But I never seem to get anywhere, I can't achieve my goals!
I know you feel that way now. And it's a valid thought, although not reasonable. I'm prone to catastrophizing situations, too. It's easy to lose self-confidence when things don't work out the way you plan. You must remember that everyone experiences setbacks. You can overcome them, in time, but it takes patience and perseverance.
Patience does not come easy for me. In fact, I'm quite impatient. I have a love/hate relationship with life. I love that it's always new and changing, but then I hate change. I don't like having to adjust to new things - housing, job changes, new developmental milestones of Lydia's, etc. I'm only human and I want things to turn out a certain way. It's not that I must get my way all the time, but I take time to plan out my days, weeks, months, years and only to find out that there's a kink somewhere along the way and now I have to rearrange my plans.
I'd like to tell you that everything will work out the way you planned, but the truth of the matter is, they don't always work out the way you plan. In my experience, things do eventually work out, but in ways I never imagined possible. Just weeks before I found myself jobless, I made a facebook post about being a stay at home mom. Joke was on me... I didn't know that that's exactly what I'd be doing for 3 months now...
But you have to find the silver lining, the irony, the humor in life's twists and turns. You can't see every setback as a catastrophe. You need to trust the process, learn how to let go of what you can't control, and also learn to go with the flow. For me, this applies mostly to life... except my manic episodes. Those are SO HARD to let go of... mostly because of the after effects and consequences that come after the behaviors. And even though you can't always control the behaviors and outbursts, you convince yourself that you could have somehow prevented the episode. Which is probably what most of your family and friends are also telling you. But I want you to know that you are not alone in that predicament. You cannot keep badgering yourself about mistakes you have made and the outcomes that follow. You need to learn how to use those experiences as a learning tool. Learn what not to do, what to do, who to avoid, who to reach out to, what to avoid, what coping skills to utilize in certain situations and which just will not work for you in certain situations, too.
We all have our ups and downs, some more rapidly and more severe than others. We all make mistakes. We all have setbacks. And yes, I realize that sometimes they ARE catastrophes. Oh yeah, been there done that! But you are more than what you have done. You have a purpose and you will achieve your goals if you just keep fighting for what you believe in. Believe in yourself and you can never go wrong.
If you're a Christian, I'd like to remind you about:
Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
And Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you CAN achieve your goals, despite any setbacks you may have.
My most common setbacks are a result of self-sabotage and a lack of self-confidence. But how does one build self-confidence? I recommend dialectical behavior therapy. Let's try it out, right now!
I choose to use the Harbinger self-help workbook titled "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley
Recognizing Your Self-Destructive Behaviors
I challenge you to keep track of your self-destructive behaviors and thoughts over the next week or two. If you have the workbook, I'm using the materials on page 144. Use a blank sheet of paper or a journal, whichever you prefer. On the left side of your paper, you're going to write out some questions. On the right side of your paper, will be your responses to those questions. This tool will help you identify some of the behaviors that are sabotaging your success and recovery, behaviors that are contributing to your lack of self-confidence and negative emotions.
The questions are as follows... you may want to write them down, or you may choose to just follow along with the questions in my blog and write down your answers on your paper. Whichever suits you best, do that.
When did the situation happen?
What happened?
Why do you think that situation happened? (Identify the causes)
How did that situation make you feel, both emotionally and physically? (Try to identify both the primary emotions and the secondary emotions, for example, if at first you were angry and later felt guilty)
What did you want to do as a result of how you felt? (What were your urges)
What did you do and say? (What self-destructive behaviors did you engage in as a result of how you felt)
What was the emotional reward for your self-destructive behavior? (Identify how the emotional reward was temporary)
For reference, here is a list of some possible self-destructive behaviors you might be engaging in.
Cutting or self-mutilation
Overeating or undereating
Poor sleeping habits
Manipulation
Can you think of any others???
Keep track of these occurrences for the next week and see if you can identify a pattern that needs to be changed. You can learn to change your responses to distressing situations by reflecting on them and dissecting how to respond better next time.
Another way to challenge those distressing, self-destructive thoughts is to reduce your cognitive vulnerability. The following is a list of some trigger thoughts, write them down if you've had them. After you make the list, we're going to challenge those thoughts.
I'm an idiot/jerk/moron/________
I can't do anything right.
I'm a failure.
I'm incompetent.
No one's ever going to love me.
I'm unlovable.
There's something wrong with me.
I'm broken.
No one cares about me.
Everyone always leaves me.
People always hurt me.
I can't trust anyone.
I'm going to be alone forever.
I can't make it in life without the help of ____________
I don't deserve to be happy/successful/loved/_______________
Can you think of any others???
From the Harbinger workbook, page 147, "a trigger thought can be a powerful negative force in your life if it constantly comes to your attention and leads to distressing emotions. But remember, in addition to trigger thoughts, you can use a coping thought. Coping thoughts can be an equally powerful force if you know how to use them."
And page 149, "coping thoughts are designed to soothe your emotions when you're in a distressing situation. They are statements that remind you of your strength, your past successes, and some commonly held truths... Find a few coping thoughts [from the list below] that you consider powerful and motivating, or create your own. Then write them on a note card and keep them with you in your wallet to remind yourself of them when you're in a distressing situation. Or put them on sticky notes and post them in spots where you can see them on a regular basis, like on your refrigerator or mirror. The more often you see these soothing and self-affirming thoughts, the quicker they'll become an automatic part of your thought process."
Mistakes happen; nobody's perfect.
This situation won't last forever.
I've already been through many other painful experiences, and I've survived.
This too shall pass.
My feelings are like a wave that comes and goes.
My feelings make me uncomfortable right now, but I can accept them.
I can be anxious and still deal with the situation.
I'm strong enough to handle what's happening to me right now.
This is an opportunity for me to learn how to cope with my fears.
I can ride this out and not let it get to me.
I can take all the time I need right now to let go and relax.
I've survived other situations like this before, and I'll survive this one, too.
My anxiety/fear/sadness won't kill me; it just doesn't feel good right now.
These are just my feelings, and eventually they'll go away.
It's okay to feel sad/anxious/afraid sometimes.
My thoughts don't control my life; I do.
I can think different thoughts if I want to.
I'm not in danger right now.
So what?
This situation sucks, but it's only temporary.
I'm strong and I can deal with this.
Can you think of any others???
It will take some practice and some time but be patient with yourself and know that you are relearning a new pattern of thinking that requires effort to overcome the negative thought patterns you may have been nurturing for years. When in doubt, if you feel like your emotions are stronger than you can handle or if you feel suicidal, seek professional help. You can always call the suicide prevention hotline.
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