Why shouldn't I be angry?

I read this paragraph in the book The Bipolar Relationship: How to understand, help, and love your partner (by Bloch, Golden, & Rosenfeld).

"As the healthier partner in your relationship you need to guard against coming across as judgmental, anxiety ridden, or even angry. Since emotions can be contagious, the calmer you remain, the less you will be contributing to the feelings of shame, guilt, or anxiety that may encompass an episode or hospitalization for your partner...Especially if it is not the first time your partner has required hospitalization, you need to convey this attitude even though you may experience moments of doubt."

What I want to draw attention to is this: when you express anger as a result of our episodes, it only intensifies our current emotions and causes more trouble. Although I do not like to think of myself as the less healthier partner, it is true. And because of that fact, I have expectations of my partner, too. Just as a child who has little self-control and makes poor judgment calls, relying on the help and guidance of an adult figure to make the best choices in life, so, too, do I expect my partner to come alongside me when I'm struggling and help me in a nurturing way, not a condemning tone.

I realize that my partner also may have some expectations of me. As the less healthier partner, my needs demand that these expectations not be as high as you'd have for someone who is generally well. In fact, even relatively high expectations place such a great burden on me that it causes me to GO INTO an episode. So, there's a fine line between what you can and cannot expect from me. As the healthier partner, set expectations but be careful what you do expect from someone who suffers with mental illness. What seems reasonable to you may not be reasonable, relatively speaking. The better option is to just discuss with your partner what kind of expectations they CAN live up to and be forgiving and empathetic when they cannot meet them.

In my experience, when I'm in a manic or mixed episode, I lack self-control. The rules and ideals by which I typically live are not at the forefront anymore. And it's NOT BY CHOICE.

Oh! What I would give to explain this to people!!! Stop acting like my episodes are my choice, as if it is me choosing to behave badly or make poor choices. No, that's not what's happening. What takes place during an episode is happening TO me. Most times, I find myself as a third party, as a passenger, who sees the car moving through traffic carelessly and at rapid speeds. And although, as a passenger, you want the driver to slow down or be more careful, you cannot control their actions. THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE in a manic episode.

I know people who claim that this is just an excuse for bad behavior and poor choices. Hey, listen, I have to live with the consequences regardless of the reason for my actions. But that doesn't mean that I should be crucified for unwillingly, and sometimes unknowingly, taking a back seat to my illness. And the last I checked, we're all human and everyone makes mistakes. I doubt people would like it if I randomly called out their own mistakes and humiliated them publicly and then also blamed them for the fact that there will be other consequences of their actions.

So, why shouldn't you be angry at your partner during an episode? For all these reasons and more. Your partner cannot always control their actions, despite the fact that they have to live with them. And that's the harder part - living with the actions. Feelings of guilt and shame accompany episodes, as the author above pointed out. The last thing your partner NEEDS is to be isolated even further by the one person that's supposed to have unconditional POSITIVE regard towards them.

I recommend that you save your anger and frustration for a therapy session OF YOUR OWN with your therapist. Keeping your anger from your partner is not the same as denying yourself or bottling it up. What I'm asking you to do is recognize that YOU are the healthier partner. Take the responsibility that comes with it. You knew what you were getting into when you married (hopefully), and even if you didn't, you love your partner. Every good relationship requires sacrifice and many relationships are one-sided in that respect. I'm not saying it's completely right... I'm not saying you deserve to be treated badly... and I'm NOT saying that you should expect to be treated badly.

My advice is to simply remember that you are not the one suffering from bipolar disorder. You have little insight into what it feels like and how devastating it is. With the little insight you DO have, you NEED to HELP, not intensify. Please remember that the next time you feel yourself getting angry at your partner.