Laziness vs. Productivity

I am a type A personality, OCD, ADHD, everything has a place and it must be in it's place or I feel a deep sense of uneasiness, can't sleep, can't concentrate, etc. And part of having those issues also means that I feel like I cannot waste even 1 minute. Which means, if I'm waiting on the microwave to heat something up, I cannot just stand there and wait... or look at text messages... I must be doing something. I'll fidget around, see what I can organize nearby, go to my room, see if anything needs to be rearranged in there, and I come running back to the microwave to see I still have 25 seconds left... and STILL I will try to find something to accomplish in that time frame.

I have always been one that feels a great sense of self-worth based on accomplishments. I'm a lister. I make lists for everything. It takes me longer to make my lists than it does to do everything on the list sometimes. Making the list is yet one more accomplishment for me. I strive to be organized and I feel very stressed out when my room is in disarray (which it is more often than not lately). I like my books and movies categorized, alphabetized, stacked straight, size gradient, and packed firmly into the space where they are. I like to have inventory lists of the movies I own and books I own, so when I'm shopping on black Friday I don't buy a movie I've already bought before. I like certain earrings to be in a certain separator of the organize I use because it makes them easier to find. It's all about saving time, saving steps, and doing as much as I can possibly do with as little effort as possible.

That's why there are some things I will never do. That's why the 1 dish that's sitting in the sink drives me nuts. That's why the DVD that's still in the player and not in it's box and back on the shelf bothers the hell out of me. These are such little things to other people and it causes them no problems whatsoever to go about their day in these conditions... but it causes me problems! Anxiety, stress, being irritable... extremely irritable!

I have my reasons for why I do things and over the years I have learned that in order to control my symptoms, these are the routines and steps I need to take to maintain a relative sense of sanity and well-being.

People don't get it, though. They think it's just a pet peeve or a preference... no... it causes mental anguish for me! The shoe you just took off at the door is laying on it's side and the right and left are facing opposite directions... this irritates me to the point that I will walk over and fix it!! If I don't fix it, I will think about it pretty much the entire time you are at my house. Yes, these things bother me greatly. Just because I don't say anything, doesn't mean it's all kosher in my mind. I'm not judging you - don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that your way is wrong and how you do things is less superior or in any way less okay... but FOR ME, I know my limitations and my needs. I have worked very hard over the years to simmer down on some of these issues.

One main issue I've been dealing with is being over-booked with things to do. I handle my manic episodes by being very active and productive, which is great because during my depressive episodes I might not accomplish anything and then it's a good thing I got ahead while I felt better. However, I started turning down projects, turning down opportunities, spending less time doing "stuff" and more time doing what I want. When I do my laundry, I enjoy it (for the most part) because I'm not rushing. I can take time to smell the freshness of the clothes right out of the dryer. As I'm folding them, I give a quick sniff or feel the softness, rub my hands across the microfiber to feel it's smooth, soothing texture. I'm more mindful about what I do.

I've had a little more time to cook and spend with my son, more time to rest, more time to think... more time to realize that maybe I didn't need to do all that I was doing. I don't know yet what I'm gonna do in the future or what I'm gonna feel like tomorrow. I plan my days down to the minute... but I'm learning to be more flexible, to loosen up my schedule, to relax and give myself time to recharge. I'm just beginning to understand it's importance. I'm just beginning to work it in... to actually do it.

Yesterday, I had what I call a lazy day. I did 4 loads of laundry, folded and hung them all, everything in it's place. I gave myself a 2 hour manicure and painted my fingernails while listening to music and chatting on facebook. I wore my pajamas all day long and didn't give a crap. When the laundry was done, I decided to go grocery shopping... ran around town like a crazy woman for 2 hours trying to find a sewing table so I could sew some of my projects today. By the time I got home, that 2 hours drained me so much. I realized... my day wasn't as lazy as I thought! I paid bills, I did laundry, I cooked, I spent 2 hours on self-care, I ran errands, bought groceries... pretty full day for most people!! But to me, it felt like I accomplished nothing.

Today, I had all these aspirations to sew and organize and move furniture around and sort paperwork and clean out my closet and manage my facebook yardsale business.... blah! I woke up with a full-blown fibromyalgia flare-up. My pain meds didn't come in the mail so I'm trying to cope with just NSAIDs and my rice pack (heat). I feel so blah, I feel so unaccomplished, and so very deeply depressed. I want to know why I feel depressed when I do not accomplish something... in fact, getting out of bed was an accomplishment! But what is wrong with my mind that I cannot wrap around the fact that normal people have free time where they do nothing, or they can do anything they want, like listen to music, go for a walk, sit and watch the sun set, watch tv, talk on the phone to a friend.... I just feel so guilty if I do any of these things and I'm not doing something else. Multi-tasking. I must multi-task. I do it all the time, no matter what I'm doing, scares the hell out of people sometimes or annoys them because they think I'm not paying attention to what they are saying/doing. Most cases - 9 out of 10 - I am multi-tasking and I'm in the zone. But dang... it's exhausting!!

I need a break. I know people who will judge and say that I don't need a vacation or that I need to stop running around and doing things like taking the kids to Six Flags or going to an arcade, etc. But these are the things I want to do with my time - I enjoy them. I want more time to do these things and I am using the time I do have to take advantage of the opportunity while my child is still young to make memories with him. Problem is... I live as though there won't be a tomorrow because I am so afraid that my physical condition will worsen and I won't be able to do these things anymore. I have many reasons for all the things I do... which brings me to the last thing I will say in this entry.

I am a VERY thoughtful person and there is nothing that I do without thinking it through. I think very long and hard about things, I weigh options and I evaluate/calculate consequences. I am methodical, logical, and reasonable. Which is why it makes me mad when people question why I do things the way I do. It's frankly none of their business. But as a closing statement, I recognize that I overanalyze everything and sometimes I just need to go with the flow and be more flexible, which is what I am working on right now.