Saturday, June 20, 2020
Anxiety & Irritability
Does anxiety make you irritable? It certainly can. Irritability is just one of the many ways that anxiety manifests. And it's absolutely true for me.
The problem with that is people don't often recognize irritability as a manifestation of anxiety. I have been accused of "just being a bitch." And while my personality borders on the bitchy side, my anxiety definitely contributes to that. I think the difference between someone who is bitchy is that they choose to be that way. With anxiety, you get no choice. It's a knee-jerk reaction - an over-reaction - to the environment due to the internal stimuli. It can take an insurmountable amount of time to master the skill of controlling your reactions when anxiety is at play.
What people see is someone who cannot keep her cool, is always yelling, and has no compassion. What they cannot see is what's going on inside of my head. They don't know that I'm actually suffering a painful existence with the alternate reality that my anxiety has created. It's as if someone is following you around constantly reminding you of every possible disaster that could happen, making you question everything in the environment. Am I going to die? Is my child going to fall off the balcony? Will I lose my job if I call in sick, even though I'm actually sick?? All of these thoughts and more bombard me from moment to moment, every single day of my life.
So, if I ever come across to you as rude, cold, indifferent, angry, irritable, distant, restless, or a combination of any of those, please know that it's not you (or at least, I hope it's not you). It's me. And chances are, I know that already. And I guarantee you that I'm trying! Please be patient with me and give me some grace. Thanks in advance!!
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Med trial
So, I'm still slowly tapering off of one medication which I've been on for a long time. And I'm increasing my dose of the new medication. I haven't noticed a change so far but we shall see. My nurse practitioner also changed my sleep medication to a longer-acting med to see if that will keep me asleep at night because I've been waking up between midnight and 2AM wide awake with anxiety!
This is just a reminder that meds often need to be tweaked. Whether it's because your body has grown tolerant to a certain medication, your body chemistry has changed over time, or because of circumstances that cause you to be especially triggered, such as in an acute episode. I think my situation is a combination of all 3 of those things and I'm hoping these changes will garner results.
In my blog, you will notice that I don't mention names of medications I'm taking. That is not because I'm secretive or don't want my business out there. It's intentional. I don't like to recommend medications to people because 1. another person's body might not respond to a medication the way mine does and 2. I'm not a doctor and cannot prescribe medications to someone.
While it's great to be knowledgeable about the options out there and it's a good idea to bring your own ideas to your provider, some providers may find it offensive when you recommend a treatment for yourself. But it's best to be your own advocate! When it comes to mental health, you cannot afford not to be aware of the options for treatment. You should be just as much a partner in the decision-making as possible.
This is just a reminder that meds often need to be tweaked. Whether it's because your body has grown tolerant to a certain medication, your body chemistry has changed over time, or because of circumstances that cause you to be especially triggered, such as in an acute episode. I think my situation is a combination of all 3 of those things and I'm hoping these changes will garner results.
In my blog, you will notice that I don't mention names of medications I'm taking. That is not because I'm secretive or don't want my business out there. It's intentional. I don't like to recommend medications to people because 1. another person's body might not respond to a medication the way mine does and 2. I'm not a doctor and cannot prescribe medications to someone.
While it's great to be knowledgeable about the options out there and it's a good idea to bring your own ideas to your provider, some providers may find it offensive when you recommend a treatment for yourself. But it's best to be your own advocate! When it comes to mental health, you cannot afford not to be aware of the options for treatment. You should be just as much a partner in the decision-making as possible.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
L. O. V. E.
Sunday was my 7th wedding anniversary! Mmmmm love. I am SO blessed to have a loving, supportive husband. When I'm suffering with mania, he is never quick to judge and when I'm in the depths of depression, he is there with me, to be with me and show me I'm not alone.
That's the kind of relationship I wish everyone had. I know there are a lot of unhealthy relationships in the world and it's so much harder with the prevalence of mental illness. Quite unintentionally, I make it a lot harder for my husband to continue to show me unconditional love. But that does not make me unlovable!! Frankly, it's the nature of the beast.
Over time, I have been able to adapt and rein in a lot of my wild fantasies about what a relationship should look like. I had always imagined a person who would be there with me, to walk beside me, to be a comforting force in my life. But I had never witnessed that in real life so I thought it was all just a dream, a fantasy.
Growing up with an abusive father was torture. Not just because of how he treated me, but because of how I watched him treat my mother. I had always vowed never to be in a relationship as manipulative and controlling as the one I witnessed everyday. I was actually relieved when he abandoned me at the age of 10. He set the bar so incredibly low, that when I started having relationships of my own, I had no idea what I was looking for.
I made some big mistakes in my past, ones that shaped my future, ones that haunt me every day. Most of them stemmed from bad relationships! That's not to put the blame on my counterparts... a relationship is two-sided, not one.
It came as no surprise to my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because he said (and I've done some research) that it's very common among young women who were molested or abandoned as children. That violation of trust early on can lead to a sense of loss and loneliness that carves deep wounds into the soul of a child. BPD manifests as the "I hate you don't leave me" syndrome. You are prone to behave in ways that push your loved ones away, but once they're halfway out the door, you realize you don't want to do life without them and struggle to get them back. I've learned as I've grown to recognize this trait that developed as a defense mechanism. It's your mind's desperate attempt to avoid being hurt or feeling that deep sense of abandonment. It's counterintuitive though! Sometimes, I have come to realize that defense much too late and sent my relationships (even with the good guys) into a tailspin that would undoubtedly end in heartache.
Until I met my husband, that is...
When I met my husband, I learned what it really felt like to be loved for who I was, not my diagnosis. Having well known my past (because we talked about everything), he was able to understand the motives behind my behavior. He understood that I sometimes act out of the need to protect myself, self-preservation. He knew I'd try to put up walls to keep him out and that I would refrain from being vulnerable to him when I felt like things could come crashing down on me. He learned that I would try to push him away before he could hurt me. And he knew better than to abuse me, belittle me, or desert me like my father had. He knew how to love me.
What I find amazing about my husband is that he actually learned a healthy way of loving despite not having a mother. He didn't get to watch the love between his father and mother blossom as he grew up. Yet, somehow, out of all of the tragedy in his childhood, he was able to learn to be a loving person, and how to be loved in return. That was also something I have struggled with over the years - and still do - to just let someone love me. Until I met my husband.
When I met my husband, it was like meeting someone that only existed in my dreams. He's sweet, cute, funny, kind, loving, jovial, respectful, responsible, and just in general a good guy. He's everything you could want in a counterpart, with none of the ugliness I had experienced before. I am beyond blessed to call myself his wife.
And sometimes that simple fact is what drives me. It fuels my love for him, yes, but also fuels my love for myself. If he can see me for who and what I am, and still love me, then I must be someone worth loving. Right? That's how my relationship with God began, too. Much in the same way, I learned in the Bible about God's love for us and how He sees us, knows everything about us, knows our strengths and our weaknesses, and still chooses to love us.
Love is a choice.
I choose love for my husband every single day. I know he does the same for me. My husband has been nothing less of a constant reminder of God's love for me. And I'm so grateful to have a godly husband to look after and take care of me... in sickness AND in health. That means I don't just count on him to be there for me when I'm depressed or manic. I am continuing to learn how to be faithful in love to him in the good times, too. When it's easy to say "I got this on my own" and hit the road... I don't. I know that he will also struggle from time to time, not unlike other human beings who are living and breathing. It's my duty to be there for him in sickness and in health, too.
That is hard. Because when you're mentally ill, specifically with BPD, you tend to set the focus on yourself - what you need - not what someone else needs. You have to learn to set that defense mechanism aside. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your counterpart. In doing so, you learn a lot about yourself. And in doing so, it makes you a lot more likely to love in the purest fashion.
I could go on and on about how wonderful my husband is, but here's the truth: it takes teamwork. To manufacture a strong, healthy relationship, it takes two separate people willing to set aside their separate preservations and commit to supporting each other fully in order to become one. Sounds so simple, but it's anything but simple. Even the best people have imperfections. There is no perfect counterpart, just two imperfect people who learn together how to love each other, who choose daily to love each other, and who remain faithful to that L.O.V.E.
I am always happy to share that I am still completely, wholeheartedly, and unimaginably in love with my husband. Cheers to 7 years!! Here's to making it last!
That's the kind of relationship I wish everyone had. I know there are a lot of unhealthy relationships in the world and it's so much harder with the prevalence of mental illness. Quite unintentionally, I make it a lot harder for my husband to continue to show me unconditional love. But that does not make me unlovable!! Frankly, it's the nature of the beast.
Over time, I have been able to adapt and rein in a lot of my wild fantasies about what a relationship should look like. I had always imagined a person who would be there with me, to walk beside me, to be a comforting force in my life. But I had never witnessed that in real life so I thought it was all just a dream, a fantasy.
Growing up with an abusive father was torture. Not just because of how he treated me, but because of how I watched him treat my mother. I had always vowed never to be in a relationship as manipulative and controlling as the one I witnessed everyday. I was actually relieved when he abandoned me at the age of 10. He set the bar so incredibly low, that when I started having relationships of my own, I had no idea what I was looking for.
I made some big mistakes in my past, ones that shaped my future, ones that haunt me every day. Most of them stemmed from bad relationships! That's not to put the blame on my counterparts... a relationship is two-sided, not one.
It came as no surprise to my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because he said (and I've done some research) that it's very common among young women who were molested or abandoned as children. That violation of trust early on can lead to a sense of loss and loneliness that carves deep wounds into the soul of a child. BPD manifests as the "I hate you don't leave me" syndrome. You are prone to behave in ways that push your loved ones away, but once they're halfway out the door, you realize you don't want to do life without them and struggle to get them back. I've learned as I've grown to recognize this trait that developed as a defense mechanism. It's your mind's desperate attempt to avoid being hurt or feeling that deep sense of abandonment. It's counterintuitive though! Sometimes, I have come to realize that defense much too late and sent my relationships (even with the good guys) into a tailspin that would undoubtedly end in heartache.
Until I met my husband, that is...
When I met my husband, I learned what it really felt like to be loved for who I was, not my diagnosis. Having well known my past (because we talked about everything), he was able to understand the motives behind my behavior. He understood that I sometimes act out of the need to protect myself, self-preservation. He knew I'd try to put up walls to keep him out and that I would refrain from being vulnerable to him when I felt like things could come crashing down on me. He learned that I would try to push him away before he could hurt me. And he knew better than to abuse me, belittle me, or desert me like my father had. He knew how to love me.
What I find amazing about my husband is that he actually learned a healthy way of loving despite not having a mother. He didn't get to watch the love between his father and mother blossom as he grew up. Yet, somehow, out of all of the tragedy in his childhood, he was able to learn to be a loving person, and how to be loved in return. That was also something I have struggled with over the years - and still do - to just let someone love me. Until I met my husband.
When I met my husband, it was like meeting someone that only existed in my dreams. He's sweet, cute, funny, kind, loving, jovial, respectful, responsible, and just in general a good guy. He's everything you could want in a counterpart, with none of the ugliness I had experienced before. I am beyond blessed to call myself his wife.
And sometimes that simple fact is what drives me. It fuels my love for him, yes, but also fuels my love for myself. If he can see me for who and what I am, and still love me, then I must be someone worth loving. Right? That's how my relationship with God began, too. Much in the same way, I learned in the Bible about God's love for us and how He sees us, knows everything about us, knows our strengths and our weaknesses, and still chooses to love us.
I choose love for my husband every single day. I know he does the same for me. My husband has been nothing less of a constant reminder of God's love for me. And I'm so grateful to have a godly husband to look after and take care of me... in sickness AND in health. That means I don't just count on him to be there for me when I'm depressed or manic. I am continuing to learn how to be faithful in love to him in the good times, too. When it's easy to say "I got this on my own" and hit the road... I don't. I know that he will also struggle from time to time, not unlike other human beings who are living and breathing. It's my duty to be there for him in sickness and in health, too.
That is hard. Because when you're mentally ill, specifically with BPD, you tend to set the focus on yourself - what you need - not what someone else needs. You have to learn to set that defense mechanism aside. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your counterpart. In doing so, you learn a lot about yourself. And in doing so, it makes you a lot more likely to love in the purest fashion.
I could go on and on about how wonderful my husband is, but here's the truth: it takes teamwork. To manufacture a strong, healthy relationship, it takes two separate people willing to set aside their separate preservations and commit to supporting each other fully in order to become one. Sounds so simple, but it's anything but simple. Even the best people have imperfections. There is no perfect counterpart, just two imperfect people who learn together how to love each other, who choose daily to love each other, and who remain faithful to that L.O.V.E.
I am always happy to share that I am still completely, wholeheartedly, and unimaginably in love with my husband. Cheers to 7 years!! Here's to making it last!
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