Living Victoriously Despite Despair

Woke up yesterday feeling "some kind of way" and again today feeling drained, exhausted, overwhelmed.

But on both yesterday and today, I managed to pull myself out of bed and get down to business. It's the small victories that matter most! Yesterday, I ended up accomplishing all of the tasks on my to-do list and then some. Today, I managed to start Lydia's laundry and take a shower. I'm going to meet up with some local ladies today for a cocktail and to chit-chat about life. A little socialization to break up the cleaning tasks lately.

By no means am I saying that I'm superior to anyone struggling to do these things and overcome depression. But I like to compare myself to the previous version(s) of me. And the previous version(s) of me could not do this. So in those terms, I must be doing better. Relative to my previous self, I've become an overcomer - a victorious warrior! I will hold onto this sentiment when I'm feeling low throughout the day.

"You are doing it. You are a living testament to His grace and mercy. You will only continue to grow and become a seasoned pro at living victoriously. In Jesus' name!"

Some kind of feeling

Lately, I've been having some kind of feeling. Words cannot begin to describe the distress that comes with it. I am being enveloped in black ribbons of despair that turn into a never-ending abyss of darkness and emotional pain.

It is as if I have no control over it... it comes in the form of a wave and then sweeps me off my feet and covers me in a thick, black cloud of nothingness. And oh the tears that come with it.

Nobody would hardly know about it. I think I've been keeping it under wraps pretty well. You see my face but you get only a blank stare and a glimpse of a smile, a false sense that everything is okay.

Truth is, I'm going through a lot right now. It's just... a lot! For example, losing a friend who has been my hang-out buddy for the last 5 years. Breast cancer. Fuck cancer! Losing my big brother to kidney disease. I don't get to see him often but when I do, it's hard not to sob. I want to remember the good times with my family and friends but it's so damn hard right now. All I see is death. Death is all around me. And it's taking a toll on me.

I would never say this to them, but I am afraid for them. Of course I would be. But I am also afraid for myself. I am afraid of how deep the pain will be when they pass. I don't want to feel that. I'm getting a glimpse of what it might be like now... while they're still here. How much more when they're gone!

I fear that people will minimize how much this affects me. So, I don't speak it out. Ever. I just want to hold onto them tight and never let go. And I fear that never-ending sadness when I have to let go...

And then there's my job situation. A whole different story. A mess of a story. I won't begin to divulge and you can imagine how complicated, horrible, and distressing it must be. And the financial strain. And the fighting over finances with my husband. And the debilitating back pain and injury. I could go on...

And the fact that all of those are the result of an accident that was not my fault. Something that happened to me that I didn't ask for. An accident that has brought about insurmountable changes in my life. God help me!

I hold onto the promises of God because that is the only truth I know anymore. I cannot do this on my own! I am depending upon the higher power to bring this challenge to an abrupt end and set me free from the bondage of these burdens.

God, please hear my prayer and grant me this: patience, perseverance, and peace!