Last night, I felt overwhelmed about my plans for today. I really thought I would buckle under the pressure. As it is, I have not made any real plans that lasted longer than a few hours at length... because I did not feel like it was a good idea to put a lot of pressure on myself to do unnecessary tasks all at once, in a hurry.
Today went smoothly, though. And surprisingly, I am in a good mood right now. It could have something to do with my trip home. I turned on the Christian radio station, turned up the volume, set the car on cruise (on the interstate) and took a longer, detoured route home. I got a few errands run on the way, so I felt as though I accomplished some things... and despite the storm, I actually enjoyed the scenery...
Especially the rainbow!!
It really felt like God put that rainbow there just for me, and I had to let out a sigh of relief when I saw it. I wanted to pause to take a picture, but since I was in the middle of a storm on a major interstate, I felt it would be too risky and dangerous. But the thought of the rainbow has been fresh and vivid in my mind ever since and I do think I could get a good night's rest tonight before my meeting in the morning. All in all, today was not a bad day. And I keep reminding myself that money is but an object, and one that passes by us so quickly that we'd be fools to try and hold onto it... rather I'd like to hold onto this good mood and keep the inspiration flowing forth!
=)
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Round 3
I'm at a loss for emotions right now... well honestly, I am full of emotions, but I'm absolutely unsure of which of them I am supposed to feel right now...
These emotions are so strong, I refer to them as "voices" in my head... and they definitely counteract anything my brain tells me is logical and reasonable to think, feel, or act at this moment.
I'm numb, in a state where I feel everything and yet nothing all at the same time.
I'm striving for self-efficiency... which I manage to do for the most part. If not for money, and all the perils that come when you lack it, I'd be very much fine. I desire to live on my own, in my own place, away from the judgments and criticism of others. This is a daily source of stress for me.
But then there is this inhumane desire to lock myself away from any other person, seclude myself so that I can retain my sanity. Maybe that's half the reason I want to live alone... so that I don't have to deal with everyone else's problems along with my own. After all, I do not understand why other people cannot take care of their own problems!
Here I am, forced to tend to my own issues without the help of an unbiased, unprejudiced person by my side to encourage me unconditionally. And I am managing... despite the fact that people SHOULD BE willing to encourage me, because I have made many advances despite my illness. That angers me.
It angers me that nobody recognizes my achievements. The people that know me best partially understand how hard it is, or at least how hard it must be, for me to remain unhospitalized, unmedicated... let alone to be making such progress towards my long-term goals.
There is one person in my immediate family who completed an education past high school, and even that is only an Associate degree as an RN (my sister). Nobody else knows what university life is like... what upper class courses are like... how difficult it is to balance your time between family, work, and study and still manage to pull off stellar grades! Let alone this little thing called Bipolar Disorder!!!
I do not have a husband to give me a hug when I need it. I do not have a family that encourages me or supports my efforts. They only talk against my illness, say that it's not so serious, or that my moods are just that - moods. Not only do they take it lightly, but they actually work against my attempts to make life better for myself. They do not feel it is important for me to continue my education. They make criticisms for the fact that I have been studying for so long, that I have yet to complete my degree, that I want to go to Graduate school. These remarks do not just frustrate me and upset me, they really make me realize how very little my family cares about my real needs. I do everything I can to show my son how important education is for his life and his success! I wonder... how did it come about that it became so important to me, when my own parents never made it important for us?
My mother half recognizes how important it is... now that I am unemployed. But her way of thinking prevents her from supporting me fully. Because if I become a better person and am more educated, it seems, she fears that I would make her look bad... and ultimately she doesn't support anything ANYONE does that makes them a better person than her, because she doesn't want to look bad. Even though there are some things I have learned about motherhood, and I have applied what I learned, so that I could be a good mother to my son... you would think she would be proud that I have learned these things and that I am doing all that I can to be a good mother to my son, but no! She is only concerned that it makes her look like a bad mother... because she wasn't educated enough to know these things back when I was a kid. And the really sad thing is that she doesn't even realize the harm she is causing to me now as an adult.
If she would just stop focusing on how everything makes HER feel and let me live my adult life to the best of MY ability so that I can provide the way I know best for MY son and MY education and career... things would be a lot better! And that is my number 1 reason for wanting to live on my own... not because I cannot put up with another person's rules or the way they take care of their things, house, etc. But because living with my mother is impeding upon my own ability to be successful in life... she is stunting my own growth and ability to overcome depressive episodes.
But let's put that aside right now... more than depressed, frustrated, and angry... I am confused.
I was listening to the Christian radio station today in the car, in an attempt to ease some of my angry feelings and depression. I thought, if I heard uplifting tunes and words, I might be more encouraged.
However, it only made me feel confused and sorta guilty.
As a Christian, we are supposed to look forward to the return of Christ because it is going to "end all of our suffering" and then Jesus will "wipe away every tear from our eye" but I have a big problem with that statement.
I do not believe that all there is to life is suffering. God gave us some wonderful gifts and things to enjoy in life. Each day we have been given is a gift! And even though I am spiritually ready for the coming of Christ, I am also looking forward to the better things in life... having a husband that loves me, having more children, raising a family to serve God, being a missionary (of sorts) to others and to diverse parts of the world. I do not like the thought that I'd have to miss out on these things if Christ returned soon. I actually wish I could push his return farther away, so that I could have my experiences, and live my life much longer! But that brings about guilt...
Is it wrong for me to feel this way?? Am I wrong to want to have these good things?? Does it make me less of a Christian to want to postpone Christ's return??
I only ask those questions half-heartedly... because I do not want an answer from someone other than God Himself. I only pray He allows me to live long enough to experience them... but for the meantime, I live in fear everyday that it could be my last... and I do not think that it is any way to live.
These emotions are so strong, I refer to them as "voices" in my head... and they definitely counteract anything my brain tells me is logical and reasonable to think, feel, or act at this moment.
I'm numb, in a state where I feel everything and yet nothing all at the same time.
I'm striving for self-efficiency... which I manage to do for the most part. If not for money, and all the perils that come when you lack it, I'd be very much fine. I desire to live on my own, in my own place, away from the judgments and criticism of others. This is a daily source of stress for me.
But then there is this inhumane desire to lock myself away from any other person, seclude myself so that I can retain my sanity. Maybe that's half the reason I want to live alone... so that I don't have to deal with everyone else's problems along with my own. After all, I do not understand why other people cannot take care of their own problems!
Here I am, forced to tend to my own issues without the help of an unbiased, unprejudiced person by my side to encourage me unconditionally. And I am managing... despite the fact that people SHOULD BE willing to encourage me, because I have made many advances despite my illness. That angers me.
It angers me that nobody recognizes my achievements. The people that know me best partially understand how hard it is, or at least how hard it must be, for me to remain unhospitalized, unmedicated... let alone to be making such progress towards my long-term goals.
There is one person in my immediate family who completed an education past high school, and even that is only an Associate degree as an RN (my sister). Nobody else knows what university life is like... what upper class courses are like... how difficult it is to balance your time between family, work, and study and still manage to pull off stellar grades! Let alone this little thing called Bipolar Disorder!!!
I do not have a husband to give me a hug when I need it. I do not have a family that encourages me or supports my efforts. They only talk against my illness, say that it's not so serious, or that my moods are just that - moods. Not only do they take it lightly, but they actually work against my attempts to make life better for myself. They do not feel it is important for me to continue my education. They make criticisms for the fact that I have been studying for so long, that I have yet to complete my degree, that I want to go to Graduate school. These remarks do not just frustrate me and upset me, they really make me realize how very little my family cares about my real needs. I do everything I can to show my son how important education is for his life and his success! I wonder... how did it come about that it became so important to me, when my own parents never made it important for us?
My mother half recognizes how important it is... now that I am unemployed. But her way of thinking prevents her from supporting me fully. Because if I become a better person and am more educated, it seems, she fears that I would make her look bad... and ultimately she doesn't support anything ANYONE does that makes them a better person than her, because she doesn't want to look bad. Even though there are some things I have learned about motherhood, and I have applied what I learned, so that I could be a good mother to my son... you would think she would be proud that I have learned these things and that I am doing all that I can to be a good mother to my son, but no! She is only concerned that it makes her look like a bad mother... because she wasn't educated enough to know these things back when I was a kid. And the really sad thing is that she doesn't even realize the harm she is causing to me now as an adult.
If she would just stop focusing on how everything makes HER feel and let me live my adult life to the best of MY ability so that I can provide the way I know best for MY son and MY education and career... things would be a lot better! And that is my number 1 reason for wanting to live on my own... not because I cannot put up with another person's rules or the way they take care of their things, house, etc. But because living with my mother is impeding upon my own ability to be successful in life... she is stunting my own growth and ability to overcome depressive episodes.
But let's put that aside right now... more than depressed, frustrated, and angry... I am confused.
I was listening to the Christian radio station today in the car, in an attempt to ease some of my angry feelings and depression. I thought, if I heard uplifting tunes and words, I might be more encouraged.
However, it only made me feel confused and sorta guilty.
As a Christian, we are supposed to look forward to the return of Christ because it is going to "end all of our suffering" and then Jesus will "wipe away every tear from our eye" but I have a big problem with that statement.
I do not believe that all there is to life is suffering. God gave us some wonderful gifts and things to enjoy in life. Each day we have been given is a gift! And even though I am spiritually ready for the coming of Christ, I am also looking forward to the better things in life... having a husband that loves me, having more children, raising a family to serve God, being a missionary (of sorts) to others and to diverse parts of the world. I do not like the thought that I'd have to miss out on these things if Christ returned soon. I actually wish I could push his return farther away, so that I could have my experiences, and live my life much longer! But that brings about guilt...
Is it wrong for me to feel this way?? Am I wrong to want to have these good things?? Does it make me less of a Christian to want to postpone Christ's return??
I only ask those questions half-heartedly... because I do not want an answer from someone other than God Himself. I only pray He allows me to live long enough to experience them... but for the meantime, I live in fear everyday that it could be my last... and I do not think that it is any way to live.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
And then...
Round 2: The hard part. Post-depression at its best.
Hours on end, trying to decide what to do with all of this energy. And yet thinking alone is exhausting! Nothing worked out as planned, oh well. Time to make new plans! Think, think, think!
What to do, what to do... there are so many wonderful things that I could do... and I do nothing. Well, not nothing, but definitely not much of anything. These are the days that make cleaning the house seem like such a good idea. After all, who doesn't want a clean house?
Still I'm thinking, how high am I going to be tomorrow? Am I going to feel this good, this up for things? I hope so, because I have a lot to do tomorrow! We shall see...
Hours on end, trying to decide what to do with all of this energy. And yet thinking alone is exhausting! Nothing worked out as planned, oh well. Time to make new plans! Think, think, think!
What to do, what to do... there are so many wonderful things that I could do... and I do nothing. Well, not nothing, but definitely not much of anything. These are the days that make cleaning the house seem like such a good idea. After all, who doesn't want a clean house?
Still I'm thinking, how high am I going to be tomorrow? Am I going to feel this good, this up for things? I hope so, because I have a lot to do tomorrow! We shall see...
Here We Go...
Round 1: Depression strikes...
Just when I thought I had everything under control... in walks depression, takes me by the throat, and leaves me gasping for air.
Haven't I struggled enough? Haven't I fought hard enough for the little sanity I have left? Or so I thought...
The tricky thing about depression is that just when it leaves you and you think you have an edge over it, you think you have mastered and conquered it... it comes back to haunt you. It comes back to threaten your recovery, to stint your accomplishments, to disable you from progressing.
I hate depression.
And yet, I love it.
I love it because it does not define who I am but rather how I feel. When I know how I feel, I can predict my behaviors... and others can, too.
When I'm depressed, I can justify sleeping for days. After all, sleeping seems to be the only thing that helps me pass the time until the depression minimizes or subsides.
A list of things that do not work as effectively as sleep:
Praying
Eating
Reading
Watching TV
Studying
Exercising
Playing Games
Listening to Music
Photography
Talking
Thinking
Creative Writing
All of which are efforts to be commended... because at best, when you are severely depressed, you are lucky if you can get out of bed, let alone dress yourself. Sometimes, I cannot even imagine feeding myself, or writing my own name, let alone talking to someone about how I feel.
When I'm depressed, I don't even know how I'm feeling; I cannot even describe it to you. At the very point when I am feeling the most depressed, you wouldn't even know it, because I'm incapable of telling you this. I'm merely hoping that you can sense it.
A lot of people do not understand that. There are people who think that you should know when you are sad and you should know what is making you depressed. That it's only logical to know these things. Bullshit. Sometimes, I do not even know I'm alive. Sometimes, I feel dead...when I'm depressed.
Then you have your garden variety of people who think that if you are clinically depressed you wouldn't be able to comprehend that you are, let alone when you are. Bullshit. I wish you could be me for one day. You would experience more severe ups and downs in that single day than you will in most people's lifetimes.
I'm a rapid cycling bipolar... you just never know when things are gonna take a turn for the worse... or better? Hours, minutes, even seconds separate my mood swings and, Honey, they can be as severe as Illinois' weather irregularities this Summer.
When I'm depressed the only thing that digs me out of it is the simple thought that I cannot imagine living one more day feeling the way I do. I feel suicidal, yes, but not in the literal sense.
It all boils down to this simple fact: there are things in my life that are good (positive), and I want them to live on and increase, and also there are things in my life that are bad (negative), and I want them to die or decrease. If the person housing these things is dead, does any of it matter anymore? No. Therefore, suicide is not the answer. Killing off the good AND the bad just does not work. No, it is the bad that must go.
Now, I start to see that there are things I must do to make the good things increase and the bad things decrease. This is where I begin devising my plans for the future. In turn, I am literally revising a plan for my life filled with hope.
YES! This is what I've needed all along... hope! A light at the end of the tunnel. Something worth living for, a goal worth working toward.
This is my favorite part, because for one moment, between the depression and the mania, I am at rest in the middle of two extremes: content that I have hope for a better future and unaware that I am so far away from reaching these goals.
Just when I thought I had everything under control... in walks depression, takes me by the throat, and leaves me gasping for air.
Haven't I struggled enough? Haven't I fought hard enough for the little sanity I have left? Or so I thought...
The tricky thing about depression is that just when it leaves you and you think you have an edge over it, you think you have mastered and conquered it... it comes back to haunt you. It comes back to threaten your recovery, to stint your accomplishments, to disable you from progressing.
I hate depression.
And yet, I love it.
I love it because it does not define who I am but rather how I feel. When I know how I feel, I can predict my behaviors... and others can, too.
When I'm depressed, I can justify sleeping for days. After all, sleeping seems to be the only thing that helps me pass the time until the depression minimizes or subsides.
A list of things that do not work as effectively as sleep:
Praying
Eating
Reading
Watching TV
Studying
Exercising
Playing Games
Listening to Music
Photography
Talking
Thinking
Creative Writing
All of which are efforts to be commended... because at best, when you are severely depressed, you are lucky if you can get out of bed, let alone dress yourself. Sometimes, I cannot even imagine feeding myself, or writing my own name, let alone talking to someone about how I feel.
When I'm depressed, I don't even know how I'm feeling; I cannot even describe it to you. At the very point when I am feeling the most depressed, you wouldn't even know it, because I'm incapable of telling you this. I'm merely hoping that you can sense it.
A lot of people do not understand that. There are people who think that you should know when you are sad and you should know what is making you depressed. That it's only logical to know these things. Bullshit. Sometimes, I do not even know I'm alive. Sometimes, I feel dead...when I'm depressed.
Then you have your garden variety of people who think that if you are clinically depressed you wouldn't be able to comprehend that you are, let alone when you are. Bullshit. I wish you could be me for one day. You would experience more severe ups and downs in that single day than you will in most people's lifetimes.
I'm a rapid cycling bipolar... you just never know when things are gonna take a turn for the worse... or better? Hours, minutes, even seconds separate my mood swings and, Honey, they can be as severe as Illinois' weather irregularities this Summer.
When I'm depressed the only thing that digs me out of it is the simple thought that I cannot imagine living one more day feeling the way I do. I feel suicidal, yes, but not in the literal sense.
It all boils down to this simple fact: there are things in my life that are good (positive), and I want them to live on and increase, and also there are things in my life that are bad (negative), and I want them to die or decrease. If the person housing these things is dead, does any of it matter anymore? No. Therefore, suicide is not the answer. Killing off the good AND the bad just does not work. No, it is the bad that must go.
Now, I start to see that there are things I must do to make the good things increase and the bad things decrease. This is where I begin devising my plans for the future. In turn, I am literally revising a plan for my life filled with hope.
YES! This is what I've needed all along... hope! A light at the end of the tunnel. Something worth living for, a goal worth working toward.
This is my favorite part, because for one moment, between the depression and the mania, I am at rest in the middle of two extremes: content that I have hope for a better future and unaware that I am so far away from reaching these goals.
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