On second thought...

In my attempt to be more prepared for the unexpected, I left an entire hour early and arrived at campus 1 hour before class began. I made it there in good time, without feeling stressed, and I wanted to continue uplifting myself into good spirits. So, as I got out of the car, I put on my headphones, plugged in my iPod, and turned on some inspiring music.... then I accidentally locked the keys and my backpack in the car.

Thank God that I had my phone in my pocket. Thank God that my mom has an extra set of keys. Thank God that she was still at home with easy access to that key. And thank God that she answered her phone when I called and was able to make it to campus before class started to let me in my car and drop me off at the front door. By the way, thank God that the weather was excellent - beautiful even.

At first, I was really angry... angry that I did all I could to prepare to be there on time, angry that even though I was not anxious about arriving to school I locked my keys in the car, angry that I had to make that phone call to my professor to warn him that I might be late to class. I was angry that I wanted to improve my mood by listening to music and my effort was wasted by escalating my mediocre mood downward to being a full-blown bad mood. I was angry that the Devil had once again sent these inconveniences to disrupt my schedule and render disappointment and guilt. Cringing in anticipation of the reprimand that I would receive, I made the call to my professor.

Surprisingly, he was understanding. I did not expect him to be completely upset, but I did feel that it was a bad testimony of my efforts to get to class on time, as I gave my word to him that I would do for every remaining class session. I only gave my word to him because I honestly knew that it was going to be feasible. When I got him on the phone line, I explained the situation and where I was and he was rather reassuring about it. When he advised me that if I couldn't make it to class that I should just get notes from someone else, my immediate reaction was to tell him that my full intentions were to get to class on time - even if that meant I would have to wait until after class to get into my car to get my backpack. I was ready to go meet class anyway, even though that uncertain feeling and anxiety knowing that I didn't have class materials was weighing on my mind.

The silver lining was found in that it was Earth Day... I was lamenting how sad it was that I was not going to get to spend any of my time outside to enjoy the beautiful weather. Then suddenly, I was forced to sit outside and wait... I could have gone inside, but I felt drawn to standing in the parking lot to wait for mom to arrive. The sun was beating down, the breeze was blowing gently... the music was flowing into my ears... it felt like that moment had been perfectly orchestrated to teach me to pause every once in a while to enjoy the world's beauty. Too often, we are reminded of the demise of the world and the wicked therein. For approximately 10 minutes, I felt a sense of ease come over me. I do not think I have taken the time to enjoy my surroundings in any setting so far this year. I believe this incident was an act of God.

Alas, my mother showed up like a knight in shining armor with my spare key to unlock the car so I could retrieve my goods and then she gave me a complimentary escort to the front door of the college. What a great mom! I was sure to show my appreciation for her help, but I was also much happier that in the grand scheme of things this would-have-been dilemma turned into a blessing in disguise.

Is there such a thing as "never too late"???

So, I was forced to re-evaluate my prime mechanisms of function these days. I was challenged by my wise instructor to plan better for my full schedule of events, which is absolutely true. Without people like this in my life, I doubt I would know that others notice my flaws. Yes, I have flaws. I've always readily admitted that. But when one becomes as highly organized as I have, it is hard to admit that I, too, am capable of "overbooking" myself or mishandling situations and schedules.

The type of person I am... I strive to build a good reputation among my peers and my superiors. It is not unlike me to put aside personal struggles in an effort to portray myself in a better light. While each of us do this to some extent, it seems that I have failed to plan for the unexpected interruptions that many others encounter daily. For example, we all get behind cars that drive far slower than we wish they would, traffic accidents that back up the lanes for hours, and have children that are unpredictable, capable of pulling out their unruly tactics at any point in time to inconvenience us and throw us off our schedule. Why, then, have I not learned how to plan better for these mishaps??

I have always had a tendency to run late for things... always... but as I have grown older, I learned that the more I continue this trend, the more anxiety I have. I get stressed out when I am running late for an important meeting or class because it is not favorable at all for me to actually show up late and jeopardize not only my reputation, but my career or education. To prevent these from happening, I have made it a point to get organized the night before a big meeting, get up earlier the day of the meeting, make sure that I have known interferences taken care of beforehand, leave early to provide for any problems during travel... and still I have issues with this. It seems to me that the more I prepare, the more problems I have... the earlier I get up, the later I'm leaving... the more I study, the worse my exam grade is... things like this cause me to evaluate WHY it is that my preparation has been all for naught.

I could postulate that somewhere in our vast universe, is a dark power laboring against me that wishes for me to fail. I could say that it's the work of the Devil trying to thwart my goals to do well for myself. But I think the real issues are not unseen: anxiety is a very real and present danger! For people suffering from anxiety and depression, we self-implode upon the slightest disappointment. It is utterly important for me to fulfill my goals, including all of the tasks on my schedule, in a timely manner... because the repercussions of not doing so is that I will dwell on it continually throughout the day and become so overwhelmed by anxiety that I am no longer able to carry out the list of tasks to be done. When my day starts out on the wrong foot, my whole day is shot. It is utterly important to begin the day with a good attitude. Therefore, I have decided that it is absolutely necessary for me to not only get up when the alarm goes off the first time, but to also read inspiring documents to motivate myself to continue keeping up with self-assigned tasks. I thrive on accomplishments! Therefore, accomplishing my daily goals is going to be the #1 impetus for me to feel successful. Additionally, it is the #1 tool of self-destruction if I do not accomplish these daily goals. Onward march!!