Long time coming...

Quite alright, I'm overdue for a relapse... but I refuse to believe that I must slip into the deepest depression ever at this time of year.

Every year, this happens... around this time... actually starting November 1st my depression usually starts to settle in... and the closer it gets to Valentine's Day, the worse it gets.

I always thought that I would eventually get over the "blues" during the holiday season, but then I discovered that it's beyond my conscious control. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a very real disease that affects millions of people and primarily those that live in the northern midwest. This is because it is darker for longer during this time of year. The darker it is, the more melatonin your pineal gland (part of your brain and endocrine system) produces. The more melatonin in your system, the more fatigued you feel, you appear sluggish and lethargic, unenthusiastic about things that typically perk you right up... it is just a very bleak perspective that is caused by an actual physiological condition. Your body's circadian rhythms are thrown for a loop, and you can't seem to get a handle on your mood.... now you know why.

Despite knowing this, I still treat my condition with ample (fake) sunlight, produced by these fantastic little light bulbs that mimic real sunlight... fish oil and vitamin D help, too...

...but if THAT doesn't cure you, a little retail therapy will. lol This time of year it is soooo easy to get carried away with shopping... and I'm a prime case for that fact. I love to give gifts, so it is extremely easy to drop $100-$300 on gifts for other people... and you forgive yourself for it easier, too, because you are just in such a generous mood that you want to brighten up somebody else's day. While the attitude of giving and enhancing another person's mood is noble, it is not so good for the pocketbook. I have to really watch my spending, track every dollar that goes out and where it's going... I save money for several months during the summer/fall so that I can feel free to splurge when I'm experiencing the need to shop impulsively. I have found that when you PLAN better, the decisions that follow will always turn out better, too. For example, instead of spending the $150 that I have saved up, I spend half and then have an extra $75 to spend on other things. This is always a real blessing just when I need it... something ALWAYS comes up that has to be paid... bills, bills, bills... they never end.

This year, I don't feel like my depression is so beyond my control... that is until this week. I noticed that it takes very little to make me tear up and cry... it takes very little to make me feel lonely, depressed, and even defeated. I find myself wanting to be secluded from the outside world because I just don't care to deal with all of the drama and bad news that it brings! And that is just when I force myself to get out - do something in public - ANYTHING, reconnect with people that I haven't seen in weeks, months, or years... and if all else fails, I can always find an open chair at grandma's house. It is the little things that matter the most... you have to WANT to feel better to actually attain it. You have to WANT to be happy in order to achieve it. You cannot merely hope for those things which you don't have... go out and make it happen!

It used to be that I couldn't get out of bed for weeks... and now I find myself hurling my body out of bed when I feel this badly. Mind over matter... the body isn't willing, but my mind is strong. Exercising with cognitive therapy when I'm well has helped me learn the most important fact of all when it comes to mental disorder - you CAN do ANYTHING you decide that you want to - you just have to BELIEVE that YOU CAN DO IT!!!

And on that note, I will now hurl myself out of bed and into the shower... because I'm not giving in to the depression today. Perhaps tomorrow I won't be strong enough to do it... but today I AM. Ciao!