Manic Episodes & Guilt

It's hard to describe mania to someone who's never experienced it, let alone anything like it. But I will try...

My mania starts out as a tingling sensation deep down, an intuitive sense that everything in the universe is aligned perfectly for me, there is no need to doubt my ability and talents. I fearlessly plan a future full of goals to achieve. I become so zealous that I can't find enough things to do with my time... to keep my mind occupied. And slowly, maybe within a day up to a week, the overconfidence generates a vigor - a desire to strive for endless accomplishment - an incredible drive that you hope & pray leads you to enlightenment, your zenith.

At this point, I feel my best! Flying high... lofty goals, mapping out my dreams... and fully believing that I can accomplish any of the things I set out to do.

Then the body starts to overcompensate. I get a rush of adrenaline at random times throughout the day. I become hypersensitive, super alert to my surroundings, to noises, to events. It starts getting hard to concentrate. I lose focus, no matter how hard I try to meditate and clear my mind. Reading, even the most interesting of subject, becomes nearly impossible. Eyes bouncing all over the page, darting across the room at the slightest hint of activity. Unable to direct my attention to any particular task, I devise a plan of attack - to avoid places, people, things that overstimulate my senses. It can work at times, but only short-term.

Irritability is at an all-time high. I can go from 0-60 in 1.5 seconds! Saying the wrong word to me, or breathing in a loud manner, could set me off. And God forbid that things don't go my way today... because LOOK OUT!!! I'm no longer in control of my reactions. I am imprisoned in the capsule of my body, watching as a spectator all of the things that come to pass. I feel embarrassed by my harsh words, my quick judgment. I am mortified by my openness and vulgarity. I am humiliated by my crudeness. And the thought that in the near future I'd have to apologize for all of these things and make amends - that part really sucks. I want to sob, I want to plead for forgiveness. I want someone to notice that I'm not in control. I want someone to tell me that it's okay, that I'm going to be okay, that I'm safe. But nobody can see me crumbling on the inside... my desperate cries never reach the outside. I'm trapped in a bipolar manic spin and I can't get out...

All I can do is ride out the episode. And when it winds down, nearing the end... damage control. The problem is that I can't take back any words that are said. I can't fix all of the problems I create. I can't simply get back a job I quit in a manic frenzy or rebuild a friendship that I've torn to pieces in the previous few hours or days. Like a hurricane, the manic episode has ripped my world apart. It's going to take some time to rebuild, to re-up. And each time I experience another manic episode, the stakes get higher, the damage is more devastating, and the resulting losses increase.

What I wouldn't give to be able to put a stop to these episodes altogether! If only people could understand it from my point of view, they might be a little less judging. They might be a little more compassionate. They might not hold a grudge against me for something that was done in a psychotic rage. But we are all humans and we humans have feelings. Unfortunately for me, emotions are sometimes the hardest things to recover after a manic episode. People often forget what you said and did, but they rarely forget how you've made them feel.

To my readers with a family member or friend with bipolar disorder, I beg you to be kind, comforting, and even forgiving. I'm not making excuses for bad social etiquette or unruly behavior or crime. I'm merely pleading with you to take a humanistic perspective and realize that there is someone on the inside dying to be released. If your loved one trusts you, perhaps they will open up to you and tell you how they feel so you can avoid catastrophe. But that trust will never be grown if you judge, ridicule, belittle, or remind your loved one of the wrongs they've done against you.

The hardest thing about rebuilding after a manic episode is forgiving yourself for all that has transpired. It has taken me YEARS to forgive myself for some of the past episodes, and I'm still working on it. The guilt is unimaginable, unbearable at times. And it's my guilt that marks the beginning of the steep downward spiral into the next depressive episode... every. damn. time.

Be Grateful, For Goodness Sake!

I recently posted this on my facebook page and I think it's worth posting in my blog, too.

If you feel the need to complain about how your life has turned out so far, take a look at the choices that brought you there. Nobody made those choices for you... and if you feel differently, continuing to blame someone for your position in life will only guarantee that you stay miserable. It is amazing how people continue to take their God-given blessings for granted, day in and day out.

My life is far from what I want it to be, but I don't want sympathy. I remain grateful for the things I have and the people who are a part of my life. Why must we humans act as if every hardship is the worst form of suffering fathomable to humankind? I, too, am sometimes guilty of feeling sorry for myself... especially lately. But when people complain to me, whose situations are far better off than my own, it seriously aggravates me. I'm learning to let go of disappointment, and that's what you should strive to do, too. You think you suffer? I can think of MILLIONS of people on this Earth who have it FAR worse off than you...

Don't complain to me if you want sympathy. Because if you do, I will tell you the same thing I tell myself when I start feeling pitiful... "keep making good choices and those hardships you're facing will turn into stepping stones that lead to a better future."

Blessings come in all shapes and forms. And I strongly believe that God rewards faithfulness and gratitude. The more thankful we are, the more we find that we have to be thankful for!

Even the most desolate person in the most dire situation still has something to be grateful for. LIFE is a gift! And as long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than there is wrong with you. What a miracle God has given us - this body that is so complex and works in such mysterious ways that even highly trained and knowledgeable scientists do not fully understand - even after thousands of years of research and experimentation!!

Celebrate what you have, who you are, and who stands by you today... because you might not get a tomorrow...

And for goodness sake, stop complaining to me about your "problems!!" Because I don't see them as problems, but rather as opportunities. I WILL pray for you, because I AM sorry that you don't see it the same way as I do. And that's all the response you're going to get from me for now on! Anything that doesn't add to my life positively is surely sucking the energy right out of me. And I'm putting a stop to it TODAY.

If you want prayers, I will gladly help out in that way...

Thanks and have a grateful day!!!!!!

Wedded Bliss

I've been told my wedding was magical, perfect, romantic, well-planned. But knowing how stressed out I was and how many things went wrong on the week leading up to the wedding and the very day of the wedding, I always feel the need to argue that it wasn't as magical as they think. Regardless, the fact of the matter is, my wedding day will be a day that I remember forever. And the pictures didn't capture the stress and exhaustion I was feeling (see below) - which is a good thing.



The truth is, I could list all of the things that went wrong... or I can tell you all of the wonderful things that happened and how much I enjoy being newly married even with my husband over 1,000 miles away...

I choose to focus on the positive!

I got to meet several of my husband's friends from overseas. This was an enriching experience for me, because I have not been able to meet his family yet. To meet people who shared his culture and heritage meant a lot to me - to have them at our wedding meant even more! I felt so blessed that they traveled from all corners of the world to be with us on our special day.

My yellow tulips turned out so beautifully. I chose yellow tulips randomly one day about 6 months before the wedding... it just came to me out of the blue without reason. When I started to look around for the flowers, I was told they were out of season and weren't able to be ordered for the wedding. This caused me to look up the meaning behind yellow tulips so I could find another flower that was equally stunning. Yellow tulips mean "hopelessly in love" or "perfect love" and after finding that out, I simply HAD TO HAVE the yellow tulips! Nothing would stop me... I finally located them, had to order them through a Peoria Kroger whose wholesaler could get them at a higher cost. I googled Do-It-Yourself tutorials about how to wrap fresh flower bouquet handles and bought all of the supplies. I managed to wrap my own bouquet, my made of honor's bouquet, and 3 boutonnieres for the groom, best man, and ring bearer in the 45 minutes before my hair & makeup appointment on the day of the wedding! I was so proud of my beautiful bouquet and wish I could have frozen it in time and preserved them a lot longer.



A few of my guests told me that the most precious thing that they witnessed during the ceremony (other than our self-written vows) was the elated look on my son's face as he watched his mom marry the man of her dreams. He was ecstatic, beaming! He has been asking us for over a year when we would get married. When he found out we were going to be married, he couldn't wait for the day to arrive. I couldn't see the look on his face, but from what my guests tell me, he was extremely happy. This tickles me to death!



And one of the greatest blessings of all was how many family members, friends, and support group members showed up to help with the set-up and decorations for the wedding and reception. I had a lot on my plate to worry about without having to decorate... they really took a lot of the stress off of me by helping out and I cannot express my gratitude enough! I am amazed at how willing my supportive people were to help out so that I didn't have a "bipolar moment" on my big day. Even though I made it through most of the day - even the ceremony - without being a nervous wreck, I did have a few brief moments of an unpleasant mood while taking pictures. It was raining cats and dogs, I was drenched and freezing cold, and my dress was so muddy that we had to cut the bottom out of pictures so you couldn't see how dirty it had gotten! To top it all off, everyone was shivering cold and wet, and wanted to get pictures over with. My new husband was losing patience and wanted to get back to gisting with his friends. Meanwhile, the pictures are what mattered A LOT to me. I'm all about making memories and photographing them! So, I didn't take too well to my husband's half-hearted smiles and slouching poses. As you can see in some of our preliminary pictures, they didn't turn out too shabby. And you can't even tell that it was pouring down rain!


By the end of the night, I had forgotten about the stress and given in to enjoying my wedding. I was ready to kick back and relax with my new husband for a few hours before he had to leave for California in the early morning. I'm not entirely happy that we can't be together this summer... but I'm learning to cope. I'm keeping myself extra busy and I'm working my butt off trying to earn a little extra money so we can go to Disneyland for our honeymoon in the end of July. This princess desperately wants to go to Disneyland!!! Our day may have started off with a lot of hustle and bustle, sweat and tears; but it ended with a beautiful, clear sky and this wonderful picture that perfectly displays our "magical" relationship.