Life...unexpectedly

Well, here it is... a synopsis of the last 2 years.

I am happy to report that in May of 2015, I graduated nursing school! I took my board exam in September and passed on the first try!!! I began working as a nurse that December (2015) at a behavioral health facility as a psychiatric nurse for patients on the autism spectrum, who had downs syndrome, behavioral disorders, or other complications. I also took care of male & female adolescents who were both suicidal and/or highly aggressive. On occasion, I worked the adult unit with some rather interesting patients.

Let's back up just a little... on June 1st of 2015, I moved in with my husband (finally) permanently! It had been a long road, as having a long distance marriage is not easy. I do not wish it upon anyone. Especially when you're pregnant! I graduated nursing school 7 months pregnant. I survived the last semester of my nursing school career carrying around my little Lydia in my tummy. Clinicals were challenging!

On July 6, 2015, Lydia was born, just one month after I moved in with my husband. As you can imagine, all of these changes were very stressful for me. My condition began to worsen and I developed a severe case of postpartum depression that led to postpartum psychosis. I phad been considering suicide for several weeks during the beginning of my treatment. I was hesitant to start my regular medications again because I wanted to breastfeed. The baby, however, could not latch appropriately... breastfeeding became very painful and I could not bear it anymore. Plus, because Lydia was not getting any milk when she sucked, and because she DID milk when we syringe fed her, she stopped taking the breast.

Thus, I started back on my medication regimen. My PMHNP added Lamictal to my regimen, for the deep depression. A friend bought me the book I wrote about in an earlier post. I started to come out of my depression just as I started looking for nursing jobs.

Looking for jobs was torturous. I am what other nurses would call "picky" in my job search. I refuse to apply to nursing jobs that I feel I would be too stressed out to work them or that I would very much dislike and resent working. I do not want to get burnt out early in my nursing career! So, even though they are harder to find and there are so many fewer jobs out there that I would enjoy, I do not apply to jobs just because I need the money.

Fast forward to when I began working. I LOVED my job. I loved the patients, I loved the team of staff members who supported me throughout our (sometimes) long and tedious shifts. What I didn't like was that it was dangerous. Nearly every day that I went to work (on the BIU), I had to worry that I would get attacked, scratched, bit, punched, spit on, peed on, etc. I also got tired of the under-staffing. I noticed that when certain other nurses worked (who did not want to work in the milieu as staff), they got staffed well enough that they did not have to also work as a milieu staff during their shift. I felt this to be so unfair. Just because I didn't complain and because I was willing to do whatever was asked of me, I got a LOT of extra work dumped on me. For these reasons, my condition worsened once again.

After 8 months of working there, I developed a desire to drink alcohol after coming home from work. My PMHNP suggested very strongly that I leave the job and find something else. She recommended a few other psychiatric facilities that were safer environments and better staffed (in her experience). She also encouraged me to find positions outside of psych because it's "a very stressful field of nursing." But I stayed. I started to look for other positions, but not seriously. I soon began drinking even on the days I did not work. At first, it was controlled, I didn't drink TOO much. But there were a few times where I overdid it and had an episode!

In March of 2017, one of my patients died suddenly during my shift. The crisis that led up to the event was very sudden! I will never forget the events of that night and how they caused flashbacks and trauma for months after. I still occasionally have dreams about that night. Sometimes, I see something that reminds me of Ben. About a week later, I was suspended for doing something that was "common practice" at our facility - something that my preceptors told me was okay to do, something that I'd seen plenty of charge nurses do, something that the psychiatrists instructed me to do. I was upset, but I summed it up to a learning experience. I was told that the entire hospital got re-educated about the matter and that nurses were warned that this was not tolerable.

When I came back, I had to complete an improvement plan. I had to meet with my nurse manager weekly (or biweekly, at her discretion) to go over assessment skills and case studies, etc. During one of those meetings, she stated that another nurse - just in the last week before I came back - had done something similar to what I did (only worse!) and when I expressed concern that she also got suspended, I was told "oh no, nothing like that!" How absurd! I was literally JUST suspended for something similar, of less calibur, and this person - although being "re-educated" - got off without so much as a slap on the wrist! I was FURIOUS. This is when I seriously started to look elsewhere for employment.

I did find new employment. I was offered a job at another inpatient psychiatric facility in the youth department. Everything was kosher and set to go until I asked about my weekends off - I wanted to see if I was going to have the same weekend off as I did at my current job, because my summer plans were built around those dates. The company rescinded their job offer. Since I had already given my 2 weeks notice, I had to go back to my job and ask if I could stay on. They refused, stating that they already posted the job ad so they wouldn't be taking me back. Why on Earth would they want to spend all that extra time and money on a new employee when they have one right here with 18 months experience, who hardly every said anything in complaint, who did extra work without complaining, who made changes in practice when asked, and who came in frequently to cover people who called off??? This does not make sense to me.

Suddenly, I found myself jobless. And here I am, present day, 2 months later... and jobless. Don't get me wrong - this was a blessing in disguise. So far, I have spent the last 2 months making great memories with my children. We have done so many fun things together this summer. And I still have about a week to spend with my son before he goes back to school. The unfortunate thing is that, out of boredom and possibly a little depression, I started to drink wine almost nightly. I would say at least 4 nights a week, sometimes 5. For 3 weeks straight.

This has caused a lot of problems in my marriage. I have taken for granted that my husband is working hard to provide for us, meanwhile, I drank. At first, I drank to have fun, relax (which I still do on occasion). But then, I drank to forget. And that's what's wrong with the picture.

I want to highlight the fact that this last 2 months has been very hard on me! I have worked SO HARD to become a nurse. I WANT to work. I don't want to be sitting at home doing nothing. I LOVE my children, but cooking, cleaning, and naps are not my idea of fun. Although, I don't mind getting a good nap now and then! ;)

I have been very, very depressed because of lack of work. And most arguments with my husband during this time have ended with him complaining that I do not contribute to the household. That he is super stressed at work and doesn't want to come home to find me drinking. So, you see, this is a problem.

I cannot say that I am an alcoholic. I had 3 bad weeks. Three TERRIBLE weeks! Three weeks of hell, of causing trouble, of lashing out and causing a scene, of behaving in embarrassing ways, of putting a burden on my family - especially my husband. But an alcoholic has to have alcohol to function, is addicted, and that is not me at all. I stopped... I didn't drink for over a week. I've had a glass or 2 here and there - well twice. It's only been 2 weeks, but I think I'm on the upside.

But I'm still depressed. I think I'm having a mixed episode, though, because after stopping the alcohol abuse, I have been shopping a lot. I don't see it as a lot, and it may not have been necessary, but the truth is... I'm not in the position to be spending money. I'm not working, I'm not paying any bills, my husband is left having to pay them. And I'm just creating an unnecessary burden for him. But I can't help myself.

I don't know what tomorrow or next week will be like, but it's likely that if I don't get a job lead by mid-August, my depression will plummet even deeper. When Dugann goes back to school, I will have very little time to spend with him (I will post about the custody battle at a later date). I know I will be depressed that he is gone, and missing him so very much. I will once again have nobody to keep me company all day, other than this crazed lunatic 2-year-old toddler who screams all day. LoL

I'm worried about what the future holds for me, but I'm trusting God to help me through it. I KNOW for sure that God has a plan for me, a plan for good and not for evil. I KNOW that the right job will come along in God's timing. But I still worry. I wish I could stop, but my anxiety disorder compels me into fretting!

That's all for now... please keep me in your prayers. This is not a pleasant experience - life unexpectedly.