Verbal vomit

Per recommendation of my therapist, I am going to vent my frustrations in the form of verbal vomit.

Trigger warning: negativity, TMI, profanity



My day starts with struggling to get out of bed; extreme pain in my back and hips due to the accident results in taking a lot longer to just get up. I walk to the bathroom with urgency because I cannot get up at night to empty my bladder - because I need help in the bathroom and there's nobody to help at night. So, I brace myself for sitting on the toilet. Back pain in the morning makes it hard to bend and sit. Then, I call for assistance wiping myself. Yes, it's embarrassing. No, I'm not lazy - it's just not possible to do alone. Showering is another story in and of itself. Struggling, arguing, fighting over how he needs to wash me. He's so helpful but I'm not patient at all, as I'm learning about myself. Drying and dressing (with assistance) just hurts... a lot!

Then, I set out on the journey to walk down the stairs to get coffee. (sometimes he delivers it to me upstairs because he knows how much it hurts to come down the stairs that early) I recline on the couch because that's the most comfortable position (although I still have major pain) and try to do computer work, reading, or watch a photo show on the big screen. Now, I start to get frustrated that there's so much to do that I cannot do. Laundry, dishes, junk that piles up everywhere. Every table covered in books and papers, cards and drawing that Lydia makes for me to show she cares. I can't justify throwing them away yet I cannot sort them and file them away because of back pain. Most days, all I can manage to do is physical therapy or a quick trip to the pharmacy to pick up meds. Some days are better than others, but never without it's own pain, typically a nine on a scale of ten. But many times 10/10!!!

Physical therapy is tough. Doing the exercises at home are redundant and boring... and painful. It's hard to motivate yourself to do something that you know will cause pain, especially the kind of pain that causes serious deficits in self-care.

This just sucks! It sucks that I am missing out on a lot of things that life has to offer. I cannot do simple things around the house. For example, bending to put things into the dishwasher has me in tears. Sweeping and reaching to clean the countertops makes my back burn with an intense fire. I cry as I type this because I just can't do much of anything and it's not fair! I can't ride a bicycle with my daughter. I can't crawl on the floor and play with her. I can't bend to load the washer or dryer. Cleaning the cat litter is utter torture. Even folding laundry is difficult (because of bending) and making the bed alone is clearly not possible. I cannot sit in the car for long periods of time, or short periods of time for that matter, without stabbing, shooting pains in my back and side down through my thighs and calves. I cannot have sex with my husband. I cannot even cuddle in bed because the twisting motion hurts. Turning in bed is hard enough! I love dancing, but now I can't dance. Tried it once, under the influence of alcohol, and the next few days I paid severely for it!!! Shopping is unbearable. I used to be able to walk around Target for hours just browsing. Now, I limit my shopping experiences to 15-20 minutes all because of back pain. The quicker I can get out, the better! I cannot work - Lord knows if I'll even have a job to go back to when the dust settles. This is not an exhaustive list, just a few examples.

Gravity makes things much worse for me. The longer I'm sitting, the longer I'm up out of bed, the more my back hurts because of... well, science. My vertebrae are basically grinding on top of one another with no cushion because of the inflammation. My nerve is being pinched because of the pressure inside of the vertebrae. I have received cortisone shots, lidocaine shots, epidurals... nerve-racking procedures because of my back pain. How does it feel to let someone poke your back with huge ass needles, you ask?? It feels like you're going to jump out of your skin. It fucking hurts. And all you do is lay there and worry that they will miss their mark and you will become paralyzed. It's some scary shit!! The local anesthetic, yeah, supposed to help but actually hurts like a motherfucker when they inject you. I have anxiety attacks every time. Each time, the anticipation gets worse, even though I know what will happen, I'm still scared and worried and utterly terrified. But... all for relief, right? But I've gotten no relief yet. So, another procedure coming ahead, a far scarier procedure.

I know I'm not alone. Many people have gone through this. But it's SO FUCKING UNFAIR! I did not ask for this situation. I was merely driving home from work and CRASH! I was not at fault. I cannot go into details for legal reasons but this is a NIGHTMARE!!! I want to scream at the driver. I want to shake them and "wake them up" to the reality of what they've caused! I want to curse those kids out so bad. But I remained calm. I spoke kindly. I feel guilt for the anger that I harbor. I'm very angry. Livid. How could this happen?!?! Doesn't anyone have any fucking common sense anymore?!

It's not fair. I can say that 1,000 times and still not get it off my chest. It's just not fair!!! You walked away with a ticket that you probably fought in court, who knows. And I walk away with my life changed forever. I know you might think I'm being overly dramatic but you have NO idea what your nonsense has caused. I cannot believe you could ever think - what you told me that day - was true. What in the actual fuck!

And it's not just the back pain. The concussion was terrible. I still have symptoms sometimes, just not as intense as they were before. Do you realize that for WEEKS, all I could do was lay in bed?! I couldn't even cry because crying triggered a migraine and then I would just lay in the dark in agonizing pain, crying by myself. My family could not even stay by my side because they had work and school. I was utterly alone in the darkness for WEEKS!!!!! What the fuck! It's not fair!!

I have cancelled so many plans and postponed so many events because of this. The few things I've done have led people to believe that my condition is "not so bad." And they couldn't be more wrong. I suffered for doing those things. I paid the price. I cannot disagree more with ANYONE who thinks this is "not so bad" or "it could have been worse." GTFO of here with that bullshit!!!! IT IS FUCKING BAD!!!!

I have a right to feel the way I feel but I shove it deep down inside so that nobody will see what a mess this is. Do you know how inconvenient it is to go to the doctor's office 1-2x per week, and then physical therapy 2-3x per week? Do you know that procedures take time for insurance approval so I've waited SO FUCKING LONG for any kind of help, any HOPE of relief. And relief has yet to come!!! It's NOT fair! My therapist was right, I need to let it out, get it out of my system, just get it off my chest. I try to look at the positive and encourage myself. I try to subject myself to positive material and uplifting people. But it's so very hard to stay positive!! This bullshit is a full-time job in itself. Talking to insurance companies and hospitals on the phone constantly. Getting paperwork together for court. What a fucking mess!!! It's not fair!!!!!!!

For now, I'll leave it at that. But just know, if you're reading this, that I cannot put into words how devastating this has been. I hope you never experience this in your lifetime. Thanks for reading...

Here I grow again!

God won't give you more than you can handle. While it's hard right now, I do believe that there is a bigger, better plan that God has for me. There just has to be.

Last November, something terrible happened. An accident. I suffered a concussion and post concussive syndrome. I was out of work for 3 months consecutively. My back was injured during the accident as well. When I started transitioning back to work, I was miserable with migraines daily and my back pain increased significantly to the point that I am unable to function normally. I had to go on another leave of absence. It's been 7 weeks since my last day of work and I'm growing more frustrated and stressed. The process of getting treatment for my back is very busy and tiring. There have been days I wanted to quit, days I didn't get out of bed, a few weeks of utter darkness.

I am sad and grieving the loss of a normal life I cannot play with my 6-year-old daughter. I cannot work. I cannot dance. I cannot bear sitting in a car for long periods of time. I even dread the thought of being in a car due to PTSD and anxiety now; driving is torture. I cannot shop (thank God for order pick-up.) I cannot stand or sit for long periods of time. Every position is painful, every movement painful. I do not get relief. What I do get is immense guilt for the life I cannot give my daughter and constant worry for what the future holds.

You can imagine how mentally exhausting this can be. Physical health plays a role in mental health. Chronic health problems and traumatic events lead to depression and anxiety. This is where I'm at right now... every day spent ruminating about the accident, angry that a young person's mistake has led to this. I worry about job loss and loss of bodily function, wondering what the future holds for me as a nurse. And to be honest, I'm just not sure anymore. Maybe it's time to move onto something else? Or maybe it's time to move up a step on this career ladder? I'm so torn. I know I am capable of enduring this hardship and seeing what God has in store for me. So I press on...

I press on because I have so much gratitude. I'm grateful that this accident wasn't worse, that it didn't happen somewhere else, that my family was not in the car with me, that I am getting the healthcare that I deserve, that I have just a few people who understand my condition and the havoc it's caused in my life. I'm grateful for time to study, research, reflect, and grow. Every challenge comes with an opportunity to overcome great adversity with thanksgiving and praise. And I am one that does not like to pass up on opportunities. So I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I give this over to God.

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for peace, until Your will comes to pass. You are good. Your ways are good. You have planned for me an expected end. You will cause me to rise above on wings as an eagle. You will right the wrongs that have been done against me. You will cast down my enemies. You will give me rest. I declare that my life will be a testament of Your love and forgiveness. Thank You for Your goodness and mercy! Thank You that Your mercy is new every day, despite my sinful nature, You are showering me with Your love. Thank You that you can give me the strength to forgive. Thank You that You exchange my anger for grace even though my anger is justified. Thank You for sending Your healing power to touch me and make me whole again. Thank You for causing me to prosper. Thank You for joy in a time of great sorrow. Thank You for keeping my family safe and for bringing us good news. Thank You for constantly keeping the Devil at bay and protecting me from temptation to wander from You and doubt Your power and willingness to free me from this situation. Thank You for allowing me the faculties to know what I know and for the motivation to do what I do. Thank You for sending Your Holy Spirit to break my heart for You. I love you, Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Redemption

Waking up in the morn feelin' like a newbie.
Saving grace caught me up now it has me snoozing.
Yesterday was hard but now today is so brand new and
I cannot say enough how grateful I am to Him.
Thank you, Jesus, living, breathing, loving is a blessing
Take these hands and feet I'm saying use 'em as a blessing
Compromising leads to sin, I'm not the exception
Lead me on the path of righteousness and redemption.