Here I grow again!

God won't give you more than you can handle. While it's hard right now, I do believe that there is a bigger, better plan that God has for me. There just has to be.

Last November, something terrible happened. An accident. I suffered a concussion and post concussive syndrome. I was out of work for 3 months consecutively. My back was injured during the accident as well. When I started transitioning back to work, I was miserable with migraines daily and my back pain increased significantly to the point that I am unable to function normally. I had to go on another leave of absence. It's been 7 weeks since my last day of work and I'm growing more frustrated and stressed. The process of getting treatment for my back is very busy and tiring. There have been days I wanted to quit, days I didn't get out of bed, a few weeks of utter darkness.

I am sad and grieving the loss of a normal life I cannot play with my 6-year-old daughter. I cannot work. I cannot dance. I cannot bear sitting in a car for long periods of time. I even dread the thought of being in a car due to PTSD and anxiety now; driving is torture. I cannot shop (thank God for order pick-up.) I cannot stand or sit for long periods of time. Every position is painful, every movement painful. I do not get relief. What I do get is immense guilt for the life I cannot give my daughter and constant worry for what the future holds.

You can imagine how mentally exhausting this can be. Physical health plays a role in mental health. Chronic health problems and traumatic events lead to depression and anxiety. This is where I'm at right now... every day spent ruminating about the accident, angry that a young person's mistake has led to this. I worry about job loss and loss of bodily function, wondering what the future holds for me as a nurse. And to be honest, I'm just not sure anymore. Maybe it's time to move onto something else? Or maybe it's time to move up a step on this career ladder? I'm so torn. I know I am capable of enduring this hardship and seeing what God has in store for me. So I press on...

I press on because I have so much gratitude. I'm grateful that this accident wasn't worse, that it didn't happen somewhere else, that my family was not in the car with me, that I am getting the healthcare that I deserve, that I have just a few people who understand my condition and the havoc it's caused in my life. I'm grateful for time to study, research, reflect, and grow. Every challenge comes with an opportunity to overcome great adversity with thanksgiving and praise. And I am one that does not like to pass up on opportunities. So I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I give this over to God.

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for peace, until Your will comes to pass. You are good. Your ways are good. You have planned for me an expected end. You will cause me to rise above on wings as an eagle. You will right the wrongs that have been done against me. You will cast down my enemies. You will give me rest. I declare that my life will be a testament of Your love and forgiveness. Thank You for Your goodness and mercy! Thank You that Your mercy is new every day, despite my sinful nature, You are showering me with Your love. Thank You that you can give me the strength to forgive. Thank You that You exchange my anger for grace even though my anger is justified. Thank You for sending Your healing power to touch me and make me whole again. Thank You for causing me to prosper. Thank You for joy in a time of great sorrow. Thank You for keeping my family safe and for bringing us good news. Thank You for constantly keeping the Devil at bay and protecting me from temptation to wander from You and doubt Your power and willingness to free me from this situation. Thank You for allowing me the faculties to know what I know and for the motivation to do what I do. Thank You for sending Your Holy Spirit to break my heart for You. I love you, Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen.