Endless Pursuit of Happiness

I've been deep in thought lately... thinking about this endless pursuit of happiness that we call "life." I've also been revisiting some Buddhist principles that I learned about in my Comparative Religions course. Specifically, dukkha, or suffering which can be summed up as the consequence of becoming attached... attached to positive emotions elicited by a vast variety of people, places, and things in this world. So much so that in the absence of those endorphin-releasing events, we experience a great suffering or sense of loss. I'm sure there's a lot more to it, this is how I understand it to be. (correct me if I'm wrong!)

And this has me really thinking about the hedonic treadmill... which I currently feel stuck on. I currently feel like I'm riding the waves, waiting for the next GOOD THING to happen to me - the next positive experience, happy experience. Despite being aware of this psychological process, I cannot shake the associated emotions.

In consideration of resilience, I wax and wane about whether I'm thriving or just surviving. I have imposter syndrome. I am faking being satisfied with my life (for a variety of reasons) and feel like I'm putting on a theatrical display for those around me in an effort to have a positive effect on their lives. I'm not living for myself. I'm not even really taking care of myself. I'm going through the motions, but am I really doing what makes me "happy?"

So I come to a point where I'm asking myself... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I didn't feel miserable? Would I even know how it felt? Would I recognize it? I feel like I've been SUFFERING so much this last year that I wouldn't even recognize what it looks like or feels like to "feel happy" anymore. But what if - WHAT IF I decided that no matter what happens, I'm just along for the ride and am going to appreciate any and all lessons that come from this journey? That's where my mind is right now.

I'm trying to remember that NOTHING IS PERMANENT and EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY, which means that even the "good things" will come to an end and no matter how "good" or "positive" a person's life experience feels, those emotions will fade or be stripped away at some point. This gives me a little perspective. And so no, I'm not living my life for myself right now. But essentially, we are all hedonists... so living for others makes me feel good and that's the ONLY THING that continues to make me feel good. I can never be "too kind" to someone or do "too much good."

I focus more on doing what's RIGHT than what's "good" because good is a relative term and very subjective to people and their backgrounds, experiences, emotions. So there's no real "good" or "bad" just RIGHT or WRONG.

As long as I can focus on doing THE NEXT RIGHT THING, I can take it one day, one moment, one step at a time and become AWARE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. And now I'm in my Zen.