I have come to realize that people are pretty universal in that when it comes to having money, we often forget to give significance to people. But when the money is gone, we start appreciating the value of the people in our lives and even feel an urgency to invest in them. What then is the gain in living like a rich man? It is when we are the most poor that we start to find value in the things we already have and invest our care and thought in them. In a world where money talks, the heart is seldom heard. Thus, a world without money would not be so bad after all, because it is true that all the best things in life are free: love, friendship, time, inspiration, happiness, and most of all peace.
I believe that a person who values people, even if they become rich, would never know what it’s like to live “the good life” because that person would be too concerned with giving the people they love a good life, rather than squandering it on frivolous material possessions that don’t come equipped with love or joy.
Dream with me, about a world without money… where our only currency was love and everyone had ONLY exactly what they needed to get by… but were rich in compassion and always urgently appreciative.
In a world where there could not possibly be more importance placed on money, the poorest of men stretched out his arms and gave the greatest gift of love that changed the course of history forever. A man who had no concept of spending, spent everything (the only thing) he had, his life, in exchange for a relationship with you and me… and thus beget the definition of the indefinite value of life, love, and friendship. Without a dime to his name, he accomplished a task that rich men only dream will one day be possible for them – to change the world. Could it be that being poor is a blessing in disguise? Are we not more influential when we, those doing without, are seen inheriting the kingdom of God? Did the Bible not say that the last will be first and the first will be last?
Don’t pity the underdog because he is certainly destined for a glorious greatness that the rich can neither fathom nor abduct.
In a world without money…
• No one dies of a curable disease;
• Not a single person goes hungry;
• Every child has a home;
• Christmas sounds less like coins and more like a choir;
• We neither own nor inherit land, we cherish & peaceably share it;
• When a death occurs, we all experience the pain;
• Shoes and a coat are not luxury items;
• Love is not an averted word, radical behavior, undesired gift, or repellent gesture; &
• It truly IS better to give than to receive.
Ironically, I have been working on this blog post for a few weeks, not knowing if my words were eloquent enough to pass on the message that I so desperately wanted to share, and my co-pastor preached about it this last Sunday at church. Pastor Debbie said: “Maybe the reason God doesn’t give me a lot of money is because He knows that I would turn my eyes away from Him; and for that I have to thank Him because I don’t want to lose sight of what He has done for me, no matter what the cost. I can deal with living in lack, if it means that I can maintain my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It is worth far more to me than any wealth this world has to offer.”
In summary, in the words of a wise someone, Jesus is the reason for the season.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Talking to myself
Lately, I have been having trouble knowing what is a dream and what is reality. This is relatively new to me... at least, I've only noticed it within the last 4-5 weeks.
I go about my day as normal, and some conversation comes up about what a person said, and then I recall a very specific conversation that had taken place.... only for it to be debunked by that person and/or others. I have to ask myself, did I DREAM that the conversation took place? Or while having the conversation, is my mind conjuring up things that the person has said even when they have not said them? I'm so confused! It even happens during class periods at school. I try to write down everything that has any significance, because if I do not write it down, I have no actual proof that it was said. But writing things down only proves 1 thing: that I heard it... NOT that it was said. What do I do to resolve this problem?
Other times, I have a very vivid dream but I do not even know it's a dream until later, sometimes MUCH later, when a topic discussed in the dream comes up in conversation with a friend... and I say "oh yeah, I told you that before, blah blah blah" but the friend will tell me "no, you never told me that, it must have been someone else" yet I CLEARLY remember telling the person and even where I was at when I told them. Was it really a dream? Or did I tell someone else that same thing at that same location and my mind just changed the person I was talking to? I'm so frustrated.
The truth is, that I have a lot of conversations with myself. Many times, I try to force myself to think before I speak. That entails imagining having the entire conversation in my head, before I actually have it, to see if there might be a possible argument or problem that will ensue from having that conversation. Here are 2 problems with this: (1) Even when I decide it would be a bad idea to have that conversation and I stop myself from saying the comment that started me thinking about it in the first place... it still feels as though I had that conversation/outcome with the person... this is VERY BAD in my book. And (2) I somehow have been programmed to assume that the other person knows this has happened, too, which has devastating effects on my moods and the relationships with people around me. However, not all of these hypothetical conversations end badly and then the problem becomes... I do NOT have the conversations that I should BECAUSE my mind has imagined that it already took place. One thing I do not understand - how am I able to know this is all happening? I know it is happening but I am unable to act upon that because I always question "is this real?" or "did this really happen?" or "did they really say that?" or "did I already tell them this?" I am befuddled.
This NEW and perplexing problem gets worse everyday. For example, last week I caught myself having these imagined conversations OUT LOUD. Not the entire conversation, but parts of it. I'm sure this is strange to witness... because it is audible and easy enough to overhear me saying it as it usually takes place in public - in school, at the store, in the office. And it is SO random and uncontrollable! I only realize that it is happening when I hear myself talking and then it's like I shake myself out of a daze and then feel embarrassed (or if nobody is around, I am grateful for that fact). In times where people are around, I PRAY I've not said anything too revealing or disturbing about what is going through my head. In some cases, I'm almost sure that people have heard and understood what was going on. But just in general, THIS WORRIES ME!! And a whole new version of social anxiety initiates.
I cannot determine if these incidences are the result of a stressful trigger or my mind's defense mechanism or a mere coping strategy. It is amazing to me - that I know somewhat about it taking place and that I KNOWING about it has not been empowering enough for me to control it or stop it from happening OR EVEN acknowledge when it is happening before I hear myself. For example, I have not yet "caught" myself having these internalized conversations UNTIL I hear myself talking... but they are definitely taking place before I talk out loud. Why am I not aware they are happening until I'm jolted out of the dream-like state by MY OWN VOICE?? Is this a symptom of schizophrenia? I am curious now.
Because I have been having more and more episodes of panic, hallucination, and hearing voices... but without an identifiable cause. Of course, I'm going through a very stressful point in my life at a very troubling time of year/weather, and I have to face some extremely difficult situations recently while trying to manage all that I normally do in a day (which is already stressful as it is)... so that could be considered an identifiable cause... but I'm not sure why my memory is failing me NOW... after all this time, being in school, learning SO MUCH, learning about HOW learning occurs and why it occurs, and even all the memorization and mnemonics that I employ. Why now? I thought that all I've been doing would actually ward off Alzheimer's disease and brain dysfunction... but then why am I dealing with a strange case of amnesia and dementia???? I feel like I am living in an alternate version of reality, every day, and it scares the hell out of me.
I will do my research, as I always do, and I hope to report back any findings or updates. As for now, I'm just riding the wind, and praying that I don't have the wrong imagined conversation with the wrong person in the wrong place...
I go about my day as normal, and some conversation comes up about what a person said, and then I recall a very specific conversation that had taken place.... only for it to be debunked by that person and/or others. I have to ask myself, did I DREAM that the conversation took place? Or while having the conversation, is my mind conjuring up things that the person has said even when they have not said them? I'm so confused! It even happens during class periods at school. I try to write down everything that has any significance, because if I do not write it down, I have no actual proof that it was said. But writing things down only proves 1 thing: that I heard it... NOT that it was said. What do I do to resolve this problem?
Other times, I have a very vivid dream but I do not even know it's a dream until later, sometimes MUCH later, when a topic discussed in the dream comes up in conversation with a friend... and I say "oh yeah, I told you that before, blah blah blah" but the friend will tell me "no, you never told me that, it must have been someone else" yet I CLEARLY remember telling the person and even where I was at when I told them. Was it really a dream? Or did I tell someone else that same thing at that same location and my mind just changed the person I was talking to? I'm so frustrated.
The truth is, that I have a lot of conversations with myself. Many times, I try to force myself to think before I speak. That entails imagining having the entire conversation in my head, before I actually have it, to see if there might be a possible argument or problem that will ensue from having that conversation. Here are 2 problems with this: (1) Even when I decide it would be a bad idea to have that conversation and I stop myself from saying the comment that started me thinking about it in the first place... it still feels as though I had that conversation/outcome with the person... this is VERY BAD in my book. And (2) I somehow have been programmed to assume that the other person knows this has happened, too, which has devastating effects on my moods and the relationships with people around me. However, not all of these hypothetical conversations end badly and then the problem becomes... I do NOT have the conversations that I should BECAUSE my mind has imagined that it already took place. One thing I do not understand - how am I able to know this is all happening? I know it is happening but I am unable to act upon that because I always question "is this real?" or "did this really happen?" or "did they really say that?" or "did I already tell them this?" I am befuddled.
This NEW and perplexing problem gets worse everyday. For example, last week I caught myself having these imagined conversations OUT LOUD. Not the entire conversation, but parts of it. I'm sure this is strange to witness... because it is audible and easy enough to overhear me saying it as it usually takes place in public - in school, at the store, in the office. And it is SO random and uncontrollable! I only realize that it is happening when I hear myself talking and then it's like I shake myself out of a daze and then feel embarrassed (or if nobody is around, I am grateful for that fact). In times where people are around, I PRAY I've not said anything too revealing or disturbing about what is going through my head. In some cases, I'm almost sure that people have heard and understood what was going on. But just in general, THIS WORRIES ME!! And a whole new version of social anxiety initiates.
I cannot determine if these incidences are the result of a stressful trigger or my mind's defense mechanism or a mere coping strategy. It is amazing to me - that I know somewhat about it taking place and that I KNOWING about it has not been empowering enough for me to control it or stop it from happening OR EVEN acknowledge when it is happening before I hear myself. For example, I have not yet "caught" myself having these internalized conversations UNTIL I hear myself talking... but they are definitely taking place before I talk out loud. Why am I not aware they are happening until I'm jolted out of the dream-like state by MY OWN VOICE?? Is this a symptom of schizophrenia? I am curious now.
Because I have been having more and more episodes of panic, hallucination, and hearing voices... but without an identifiable cause. Of course, I'm going through a very stressful point in my life at a very troubling time of year/weather, and I have to face some extremely difficult situations recently while trying to manage all that I normally do in a day (which is already stressful as it is)... so that could be considered an identifiable cause... but I'm not sure why my memory is failing me NOW... after all this time, being in school, learning SO MUCH, learning about HOW learning occurs and why it occurs, and even all the memorization and mnemonics that I employ. Why now? I thought that all I've been doing would actually ward off Alzheimer's disease and brain dysfunction... but then why am I dealing with a strange case of amnesia and dementia???? I feel like I am living in an alternate version of reality, every day, and it scares the hell out of me.
I will do my research, as I always do, and I hope to report back any findings or updates. As for now, I'm just riding the wind, and praying that I don't have the wrong imagined conversation with the wrong person in the wrong place...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Massage Experience part II
To continue from the previous post about my massage experience...
I had a follow-up session with the same therapist. Prior to the massage, I was experiencing mild-moderate pain in my upper shoulders/back, stiffness in my neck and shoulders, a dull aching in my lower back, and a reasonable level of anxiety. We tried a slightly different approach... starting with a large heat pad on the upper back/shoulders simultaneously with guided imagery and reiki. The session progressed with back massage and ended with reflexology, as did last time.
The emotional impact didn't seem to be quite as stunning this time, perhaps because I was already feeling distraught when I walked through the doors. But overall, I did feel much less pain and slightly less anxiety when I left. Immediately, there was relief in the areas of tension and pain. I felt as though the relief experienced was having a profound effect on my current stress level, but without the prolonged effects that I experienced last time.
It is typical for me, that my body will become very anticipatory in regards to physical touch. I strongly believe that the guided imagery was an excellent way to evoke the emotional response to correlate with touch and produce a more powerful, lasting effect. While the hot pack did garner extreme comfort and was soothing, it felt like the stimulation from it was contending with my ability to focus my thoughts on the guided imagery. In hind sight, I would prefer to have a soothing, comforting experience near the end of the session, to further calm me before leaving.
The reflexology was wonderful, once again, but it felt too brief, transition to it was slightly abrupt, and it ended in a way that it felt like the sequence got interrupted. That is what happens when time runs out... and although as a client, we hope it never will... a massage just cannot go on forever! If it did, we would not experience the profound effects in each session. We would grow immune to the healing touch... or would we?!
I believe this to be my last experience this year with massage. I strongly feel that continuing with massage therapy is the best option for my well-being right now. I do not anticipate that every person will experience the same results, but I do know that it is very powerful and very healing IF you are prepared to be healed.
With that in mind... please begin to see yourself being healed and believe that, although your symptoms may persist, you CAN become better equipped to handle them... it takes time, willingness, effort, and determination... but you CAN experience periods of symptom-free, stress-free, soothing, enjoyable relief.
I had a follow-up session with the same therapist. Prior to the massage, I was experiencing mild-moderate pain in my upper shoulders/back, stiffness in my neck and shoulders, a dull aching in my lower back, and a reasonable level of anxiety. We tried a slightly different approach... starting with a large heat pad on the upper back/shoulders simultaneously with guided imagery and reiki. The session progressed with back massage and ended with reflexology, as did last time.
The emotional impact didn't seem to be quite as stunning this time, perhaps because I was already feeling distraught when I walked through the doors. But overall, I did feel much less pain and slightly less anxiety when I left. Immediately, there was relief in the areas of tension and pain. I felt as though the relief experienced was having a profound effect on my current stress level, but without the prolonged effects that I experienced last time.
It is typical for me, that my body will become very anticipatory in regards to physical touch. I strongly believe that the guided imagery was an excellent way to evoke the emotional response to correlate with touch and produce a more powerful, lasting effect. While the hot pack did garner extreme comfort and was soothing, it felt like the stimulation from it was contending with my ability to focus my thoughts on the guided imagery. In hind sight, I would prefer to have a soothing, comforting experience near the end of the session, to further calm me before leaving.
The reflexology was wonderful, once again, but it felt too brief, transition to it was slightly abrupt, and it ended in a way that it felt like the sequence got interrupted. That is what happens when time runs out... and although as a client, we hope it never will... a massage just cannot go on forever! If it did, we would not experience the profound effects in each session. We would grow immune to the healing touch... or would we?!
I believe this to be my last experience this year with massage. I strongly feel that continuing with massage therapy is the best option for my well-being right now. I do not anticipate that every person will experience the same results, but I do know that it is very powerful and very healing IF you are prepared to be healed.
With that in mind... please begin to see yourself being healed and believe that, although your symptoms may persist, you CAN become better equipped to handle them... it takes time, willingness, effort, and determination... but you CAN experience periods of symptom-free, stress-free, soothing, enjoyable relief.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A pitch for massage therapy!
It is no secret that I have had the great opportunity to be connected with the Program Coordinator of IVCC's Therapeutic Massage Department. As part of a case study, I willingly allowed a licensed massage therapist (student of the Advanced Therapeutic Massage course) to evaluate some of my medial and psychological issues and develop a massage to address my particular issues. I have only had 2 massages so far and I can already notice a HUGE difference in my moods and ability to cope with stress.
Current research indicates that even 1 massage or 1 meditative session can greatly affect an individual's ability to cope with stress and anxiety. My experience also demonstrates this scientific fact.
I would like to encourage anyone, mentally ill or not, to try getting a massage - before an upcoming stressful event or exam, after an upsetting experience or recent illness, and in general for ongoing mental wellness.
My last massage (yesterday) was such an amazing experience; I was blown away by how the massage therapist made me feel. I have chronic pain (among sooo many other medical issues) and I was feeling pain prior to the massage. I was also feeling very anxious and stressed out about an upcoming exam for a college course. After the massage, I felt so light, I could literally feel the endorphins rushing to my brain, I felt tingly all over my body - as if I had just been touched by an angel, I had NO pain and felt like ANYTHING upsetting could happen and I would not even notice. I do not know what it feels like to be "high" but if I had to describe what I thought it felt like, that is EXACTLY how I felt yesterday. I could not stop smiling; it was somewhat embarrassing that I could not stop smiling. It was one of those smiles that makes you look like you are "cheesing" or whatever they call it. LoL
I approached the exam feeling like nothing could possibly throw me out of this mood. A few upsetting things DID happen to me after the massage, but overall, I was unable to feel stressed. For the first time in my life, I think I actually RELAXED. I wish I could continue to have that feeling every day, all day long... and who wouldn't want to feel that way?! It was truly amazing.
Massage therapists have a real gift, particularly the therapist that treated me. I really wish I could explain in better words what it is like... but I guess you will just have to go out and try it for yourself to really KNOW what I'm talking about.
Current research indicates that even 1 massage or 1 meditative session can greatly affect an individual's ability to cope with stress and anxiety. My experience also demonstrates this scientific fact.
I would like to encourage anyone, mentally ill or not, to try getting a massage - before an upcoming stressful event or exam, after an upsetting experience or recent illness, and in general for ongoing mental wellness.
My last massage (yesterday) was such an amazing experience; I was blown away by how the massage therapist made me feel. I have chronic pain (among sooo many other medical issues) and I was feeling pain prior to the massage. I was also feeling very anxious and stressed out about an upcoming exam for a college course. After the massage, I felt so light, I could literally feel the endorphins rushing to my brain, I felt tingly all over my body - as if I had just been touched by an angel, I had NO pain and felt like ANYTHING upsetting could happen and I would not even notice. I do not know what it feels like to be "high" but if I had to describe what I thought it felt like, that is EXACTLY how I felt yesterday. I could not stop smiling; it was somewhat embarrassing that I could not stop smiling. It was one of those smiles that makes you look like you are "cheesing" or whatever they call it. LoL
I approached the exam feeling like nothing could possibly throw me out of this mood. A few upsetting things DID happen to me after the massage, but overall, I was unable to feel stressed. For the first time in my life, I think I actually RELAXED. I wish I could continue to have that feeling every day, all day long... and who wouldn't want to feel that way?! It was truly amazing.
Massage therapists have a real gift, particularly the therapist that treated me. I really wish I could explain in better words what it is like... but I guess you will just have to go out and try it for yourself to really KNOW what I'm talking about.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
A wake up call - to the future me.
Sirens, EMT's, and a stomach pump. They earnestly tried, but couldn't revive her.
The cause of death: a few dirty dishes.
A few dirty dishes that fueled the need to belittle and negate the person trying their hardest to remain sane in a time of her greatest invisible despair.
Maybe you didn't know that the thought of suicide was so prominent before you spoke. But it doesn't matter to you. Because it seems like all that matters is that she strokes your ego, reads your mind, does what you want when you want it done, and plays this game of "cat and mouse" with you endlessly. You want someone to pour your frustration out on. You want someone to blame for all the fuck-ups you see around you. You want someone to bear the guilt of everything that's left undone. Why she?
Could you not blame the other people equally providing dirty dishes in the household? Could you not blame any other person for not doing their part? Could you not accept your own portion of the blame?
Could you not fathom that anyone else works just as hard as you, or harder? But to top it all off, you don't want anyone to know your own internal pain and suffering, and so you point the finger to divert attention away. Instead of dealing with your own issues, you want everyone to believe it's another person that's causing you pain. I see through you.
You are as transparent as the rain; acidic to the taste and drenching the days that should have been filled with vigor.
You are as cowardice as the mime who dares to make you imagine, but fails to make you believe.
You are the ailing of the ill, that comes with the promise of a healthier day, but taints your short-sighted mind with despair.
But you were never meant to be.
You were meant to be the helper of the less able, the leader of the lost, the caretaker of the weak. You were meant to be the lifter of the fallen, the comfort of the weary. And while it sounds like an exceptionally tall order to fill, all of these were self-acclaimed titles that you boast about in public places, where seldom there is one to refute it.
While you think yourself to be Divine, you are certainly not. Your own self-image haunts you, your expectations of perfection that you project to everyone around you are a mere manifestation of what you have failed to do yourself.
You forgive yourself for failing by expecting perfection from others.
And what right do you have?
Is it because you feel like you are more worthy? Is it because you feel like you are the giver of opportunities? Is it because of this insatiable desire you have contrived to bolster the lives of others? Or is it because you have convinced yourself that you are unappreciated despite my numerous attempts to show you otherwise?
When it comes down to it, when it all boils down, it's all about the benjamins.
If I had the means to provide for myself, had my own place to live, didn't need your emotional support and encouragement - then I could afford my own personal rights to be myself and make my own choices, right? If I didn't depend on you to homologate my decisions and morals, only then I could live a life of peace and self-satisfaction, right? And because I don't have money, I'm a slave to the people who provide me with the things I need, right?
I thought I lived in America, the land of the free, the home of the brave...
The last time I checked, slavery was abolished.
And even though you seek to employ me against my will for having provided me with things I need - all in the name of being a good person and caretaker, having said you would never hold it against me or ask for repayment but doing so anyway - I STILL love you and appreciate you.
You can try to force me to do things your way, to see things your way, to accept public humiliation while you embarrass me in front of an audience because I haven't done exactly what you wanted. But you cannot make me ungrateful. I refuse to become another victim. I refuse to perpetuate the mind games and manipulation of those around me. I refuse to jeopardize my values and morals because it would give you a reason to complain.
Today, find someone else to be angry with, blame, and belittle. Because THIS scapegoat is escaping the sacrifice altar. You may have marked me a fool, but you haven't stolen my dignity.
Sadly, my desire to keep trying to love you the way you want to be loved will one day guarantee my own demise. It's time for me to wake up and finally accept that I can never love you the way you want to be loved. I can only pray that my attempts will eventually be good enough.
I've been here before and I'll be here again... somehow everyday is a new hunt for the satisfaction of knowing that I am good enough, whether you believe it or not.
The cause of death: a few dirty dishes.
A few dirty dishes that fueled the need to belittle and negate the person trying their hardest to remain sane in a time of her greatest invisible despair.
Maybe you didn't know that the thought of suicide was so prominent before you spoke. But it doesn't matter to you. Because it seems like all that matters is that she strokes your ego, reads your mind, does what you want when you want it done, and plays this game of "cat and mouse" with you endlessly. You want someone to pour your frustration out on. You want someone to blame for all the fuck-ups you see around you. You want someone to bear the guilt of everything that's left undone. Why she?
Could you not blame the other people equally providing dirty dishes in the household? Could you not blame any other person for not doing their part? Could you not accept your own portion of the blame?
Could you not fathom that anyone else works just as hard as you, or harder? But to top it all off, you don't want anyone to know your own internal pain and suffering, and so you point the finger to divert attention away. Instead of dealing with your own issues, you want everyone to believe it's another person that's causing you pain. I see through you.
You are as transparent as the rain; acidic to the taste and drenching the days that should have been filled with vigor.
You are as cowardice as the mime who dares to make you imagine, but fails to make you believe.
You are the ailing of the ill, that comes with the promise of a healthier day, but taints your short-sighted mind with despair.
But you were never meant to be.
You were meant to be the helper of the less able, the leader of the lost, the caretaker of the weak. You were meant to be the lifter of the fallen, the comfort of the weary. And while it sounds like an exceptionally tall order to fill, all of these were self-acclaimed titles that you boast about in public places, where seldom there is one to refute it.
While you think yourself to be Divine, you are certainly not. Your own self-image haunts you, your expectations of perfection that you project to everyone around you are a mere manifestation of what you have failed to do yourself.
You forgive yourself for failing by expecting perfection from others.
And what right do you have?
Is it because you feel like you are more worthy? Is it because you feel like you are the giver of opportunities? Is it because of this insatiable desire you have contrived to bolster the lives of others? Or is it because you have convinced yourself that you are unappreciated despite my numerous attempts to show you otherwise?
When it comes down to it, when it all boils down, it's all about the benjamins.
If I had the means to provide for myself, had my own place to live, didn't need your emotional support and encouragement - then I could afford my own personal rights to be myself and make my own choices, right? If I didn't depend on you to homologate my decisions and morals, only then I could live a life of peace and self-satisfaction, right? And because I don't have money, I'm a slave to the people who provide me with the things I need, right?
I thought I lived in America, the land of the free, the home of the brave...
The last time I checked, slavery was abolished.
And even though you seek to employ me against my will for having provided me with things I need - all in the name of being a good person and caretaker, having said you would never hold it against me or ask for repayment but doing so anyway - I STILL love you and appreciate you.
You can try to force me to do things your way, to see things your way, to accept public humiliation while you embarrass me in front of an audience because I haven't done exactly what you wanted. But you cannot make me ungrateful. I refuse to become another victim. I refuse to perpetuate the mind games and manipulation of those around me. I refuse to jeopardize my values and morals because it would give you a reason to complain.
Today, find someone else to be angry with, blame, and belittle. Because THIS scapegoat is escaping the sacrifice altar. You may have marked me a fool, but you haven't stolen my dignity.
Sadly, my desire to keep trying to love you the way you want to be loved will one day guarantee my own demise. It's time for me to wake up and finally accept that I can never love you the way you want to be loved. I can only pray that my attempts will eventually be good enough.
I've been here before and I'll be here again... somehow everyday is a new hunt for the satisfaction of knowing that I am good enough, whether you believe it or not.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The irony of the disorder
The irony in being bipolar is that when you're up, you curse the fact that you'll soon be down; when you're down, you're grateful for the fact that you'll soon be up again.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Mindsight - Our Multiple Selves
Under Content, Chapter 10 "Our Multiple Selves" is the MUST READ portion - but it is missing the most important pages because it is only a preview of the book. Page 197, the section labeled "Multiple Selves" is important to read, but the rest of the chapter includes crucial background information.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Seriously sick!
I am seriously sick of being bullied and harassed by my own family. To them "LOVE" means hurting a person as much as possible with every means possible: words, violence, controlling behaviors, manipulation, mental abuse, defaming, guilt-tripping mind games, slander, defamy, and continual degradation. I am so, so, so, so, so, so seriously sick of it.
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