Talking to myself

Lately, I have been having trouble knowing what is a dream and what is reality. This is relatively new to me... at least, I've only noticed it within the last 4-5 weeks.

I go about my day as normal, and some conversation comes up about what a person said, and then I recall a very specific conversation that had taken place.... only for it to be debunked by that person and/or others. I have to ask myself, did I DREAM that the conversation took place? Or while having the conversation, is my mind conjuring up things that the person has said even when they have not said them? I'm so confused! It even happens during class periods at school. I try to write down everything that has any significance, because if I do not write it down, I have no actual proof that it was said. But writing things down only proves 1 thing: that I heard it... NOT that it was said. What do I do to resolve this problem?

Other times, I have a very vivid dream but I do not even know it's a dream until later, sometimes MUCH later, when a topic discussed in the dream comes up in conversation with a friend... and I say "oh yeah, I told you that before, blah blah blah" but the friend will tell me "no, you never told me that, it must have been someone else" yet I CLEARLY remember telling the person and even where I was at when I told them. Was it really a dream? Or did I tell someone else that same thing at that same location and my mind just changed the person I was talking to? I'm so frustrated.

The truth is, that I have a lot of conversations with myself. Many times, I try to force myself to think before I speak. That entails imagining having the entire conversation in my head, before I actually have it, to see if there might be a possible argument or problem that will ensue from having that conversation. Here are 2 problems with this: (1) Even when I decide it would be a bad idea to have that conversation and I stop myself from saying the comment that started me thinking about it in the first place... it still feels as though I had that conversation/outcome with the person... this is VERY BAD in my book. And (2) I somehow have been programmed to assume that the other person knows this has happened, too, which has devastating effects on my moods and the relationships with people around me. However, not all of these hypothetical conversations end badly and then the problem becomes... I do NOT have the conversations that I should BECAUSE my mind has imagined that it already took place. One thing I do not understand - how am I able to know this is all happening? I know it is happening but I am unable to act upon that because I always question "is this real?" or "did this really happen?" or "did they really say that?" or "did I already tell them this?" I am befuddled.

This NEW and perplexing problem gets worse everyday. For example, last week I caught myself having these imagined conversations OUT LOUD. Not the entire conversation, but parts of it. I'm sure this is strange to witness... because it is audible and easy enough to overhear me saying it as it usually takes place in public - in school, at the store, in the office. And it is SO random and uncontrollable! I only realize that it is happening when I hear myself talking and then it's like I shake myself out of a daze and then feel embarrassed (or if nobody is around, I am grateful for that fact). In times where people are around, I PRAY I've not said anything too revealing or disturbing about what is going through my head. In some cases, I'm almost sure that people have heard and understood what was going on. But just in general, THIS WORRIES ME!! And a whole new version of social anxiety initiates.

I cannot determine if these incidences are the result of a stressful trigger or my mind's defense mechanism or a mere coping strategy. It is amazing to me - that I know somewhat about it taking place and that I KNOWING about it has not been empowering enough for me to control it or stop it from happening OR EVEN acknowledge when it is happening before I hear myself. For example, I have not yet "caught" myself having these internalized conversations UNTIL I hear myself talking... but they are definitely taking place before I talk out loud. Why am I not aware they are happening until I'm jolted out of the dream-like state by MY OWN VOICE?? Is this a symptom of schizophrenia? I am curious now.

Because I have been having more and more episodes of panic, hallucination, and hearing voices... but without an identifiable cause. Of course, I'm going through a very stressful point in my life at a very troubling time of year/weather, and I have to face some extremely difficult situations recently while trying to manage all that I normally do in a day (which is already stressful as it is)... so that could be considered an identifiable cause... but I'm not sure why my memory is failing me NOW... after all this time, being in school, learning SO MUCH, learning about HOW learning occurs and why it occurs, and even all the memorization and mnemonics that I employ. Why now? I thought that all I've been doing would actually ward off Alzheimer's disease and brain dysfunction... but then why am I dealing with a strange case of amnesia and dementia???? I feel like I am living in an alternate version of reality, every day, and it scares the hell out of me.

I will do my research, as I always do, and I hope to report back any findings or updates. As for now, I'm just riding the wind, and praying that I don't have the wrong imagined conversation with the wrong person in the wrong place...