To eat or not to eat... in public?

Many people do not know that I have battled with an eating disorder for many years. Today feels like as good a day as any to divulge that fact.

Since I was 5 years old, I have been labeled morbidly obese. As a child, I don't recall ever eating "so much" that I should have been obese. Not as early as 5 years old, but definitely before age 10 I became very aware of what I was putting in my mouth because I was paranoid that someone would see me eating something and harass me for it. Because of my health condition, I was put on a very strict diet, which was especially important because I was diagnosed with hypertension at age 5 also, but I didn't always stick with it (being a child, it happens). At the time, the doctors were so concerned because my blood pressure greatly exceeded that of my father's (who also had hypertension and was on medication for it) but I was too young for hypertensive medications back then and the only logical approach was to watch my dietary intake of sodium. My mother changed over to some select low-sodium or even sodium-free products such as ketchup - my favorite condiment that I actually consumed far too much of. Unfortunately, this tactic did not have any lasting effects.

I was greatly discouraged from being out in the heat of summer or over-exerting myself by being too physically active (as I recall) because people were afraid I would have a stroke. In fact, as a child, I never argued with this conclusion because I frankly did not care to be active and physical labor repelled me. I was much more of a thinker and spent a lot of time playing alone inside, or sitting at the park merely observing people, creatively writing in the safety of my bedroom, or acting out my dreams of having a "normal family" with my barbie dolls.

It wasn't until I was a young adult (age 19) that I realized my lack of physical exercise contributed GREATLY to my poor health condition. I suddenly became obsessed with working out and did so everyday. I walked 2 miles a day in the community and worked out at the YMCA for nearly 2 hours EVERY SINGLE DAY (when I could afford a membership). I was always into the latest fitness video fads and was a huge fan of the kick-boxing videos "Kick Butt" and Billy Blanks' Tae Bo. I even took up belly dancing for fitness and was a dance-a-holic! Despite all of my attempts at becoming seriously active in life, I consistently gained weight. It was utterly devastating that despite my harsh regimen of working out and my new strict diet of counting calories, I not only didn't LOSE weight, but I GAINED A LOT!

Eventually, I was down to 1300 calories intake but working off 2200+ calories per day. After years of struggling with my weight and trying every fad diet, diet drinks, calorie-controlled diets, and a very restrictive diet of only "living foods"... I was at my heaviest weight ever - nearly 500 pounds! My doctor became VERY concerned and told me not to let my heart rate reach 150 bpm because I was at a very high risk of stroke... at age 19!!! Of course, I had learned that exercise was the only way to change my condition, so I didn't listen to his advice. But I did decide that I shouldn't be allowed to eat... so I began starving myself.

When I did eventually get hungry enough (and weak enough) that eating my own arm sounded like a pretty good idea, I would give in and binge eat........ and purge. I was so disgusted with myself for having eaten, that I didn't even have to force my finger down my throat. It was completely psychological. I would convince myself that I felt sick because I was disgusted with the fact that I ate... and then I wouldn't even be able to choke the vomit back.

It was a ridiculous conclusion that was somewhat fueled by my insecurities and somewhat by society, but I had decided that I was too fat to be ALLOWED to eat. Worse yet, I was convinced that everyone else felt the same way and it became a vicious cycle where I didn't trust ANYONE and I didn't want to eat ANYTHING and I didn't ever want to be thought of as lazy, and I never wanted anyone to see me put anything in my mouth! How dare I give anyone reason to judge me for what I ate and how much of it I ate! That was my thinking...

I went back and forth between such a deep depression that I would compulsively eat ANYTHING in sight - to a manic rush where I would wholeheartedly redetermine my need to starve myself and workout like an insane person with a death wish. After the 4th month of gaining 20 pounds PER MONTH on this regimen, I sought out other options, including gastric bypass surgery, which I later did have done. My body had entered a perpetual starvation mode (I later learned) and THAT is not gonna help anybody lose ANY weight... trust me. My body was packing on the pounds!

Did I mention???? I was also in a very toxic relationship with a man that said he didn't judge me for what I looked like, and claimed he never analyzed what I put in my mouth, but he also told me he could only see himself marrying a woman that weighed 90 pounds. To his credit, he did re-think that idea and came to the conclusion that weight/image wasn't everything... but that was only after I lost 3/4 of my weight and looked like a sickly crack-whore! YES, I SAID IT... I looked like a sickly, little, baggy-skinned crack-whore... and at my lowest weight EVER since age 10... a mere 147 pounds... I was absolutely convinced that I was still a 500-pound COW. I saw myself as a complete eye-sore and wouldn't let anyone's "compliments" get to my head. I began to have the opposite problem, though. I was attracting people alright... the wrong kind of people and the wrong kind of attention for all the wrong reasons. My insecurity drew in all kinds of predatory men with all of their abusive vices and worldly ways. I did NOT like it, and I don't care what any woman tells you, SHE does NOT like being eye-balled like a fresh piece of meat you're about to devour. No, she is just trying to convince herself that it makes her feel good because it's what makes YOU happy. I'll write more about that another time. Back to the story..........

I still struggle with my eating disorder. Not quite so much with binging and purging. After 3 years of chronic vomiting due to my gastric bypass surgery, I am not in any hurry to make myself throw up again. But I do suffer greatly with public eating. If I have any reason to think someone could possibly judge what I'm eating or how much I'm eating, I probably will not eat in front of them. Ever go to lunch with me and wonder why my food sat on my plate until it was cold and the minute you went to the bathroom my food miraculously disappeared? I've become very ninja-like in my eating habits lately! I TRY to blend in with everyone else at lunch time... I TRY to eat without feeling tortured internally... I TRY to let people see me eat just enough that they know I'm not starving myself but not enough for them to judge me... I TRY!! And that's where my hope lies - in trying. I'm not perfect and you might not believe that I really suffer internally when you see me eating publicly, but I play these stupid mind games with myself to be able to manage that... it's a very tumultuous internal battle that I go through and I have stopped expecting people to identify with me unless they've also experienced it for themselves.

Some of my experiences may sound similar to you and you might even think "that's not an eating disorder." But it is. It's very common and it happens to a lot of people, especially people who were bullied as children and ESPECIALLY people who were/are obese. Ask anyone who used to be "big" if they ever cared what people thought about their eating habits. I HIGHLY DOUBT any previously "big person" will tell you that they didn't care one bit, they ate whatever they wanted, however much they wanted, wherever they wanted, as often as they wanted. I bet they were pretty secretive about eating, too. In fact, it is JUST AS COMMON for "fat people" or people who see themselves as being "fat" to starve themselves and develop eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder as it is for a model to develop BDD and subsequent anorexia or bulimia.

The fact is... eating disorders, and the co-occurring body dysmorphic disorders that cause them, are mental illnesses. Sometimes, people forget that because we hesitate to recognize the correlation between thinking, mood, and eating habits. But regardless of what we do to physically change our body's shape, size, and makeup - if we do not change the way we THINK about ourselves, about healthy living, and about food, we will still become a slave to our impulses and desire to "fit in."

Unfortunately, body dysmorphic disorder is very commonly associated with depression and other mood disorders. In fact, for a lot of people, what they look like and how they feel about it greatly determines whether they desire to continue living or not. Many people have taken their own lives because they were unhappy with what they look like. I could go on and on about why people should not compare themselves to others and/or judge themselves in light of what society deems to be "healthy" or "attractive" but I will not divulge into yet another deep topic today.

The main point I wanted to present in this blog post is that we all suffer in varying degrees. We may not all suffer with the same illness. Or we might suffer with a very common illness but for differing reasons. This is part of life, it is part of being human. But it is the individual's desire to be "better," to continue striving for happiness, the urge to find contentment and peace within their own minds and bodies, that drives us to keep searching for answers to these age-old questions of yesteryear: "Will I ever be good enough?" "Am I worth loving?" "Will I ever become something great?" "When will I be happy?" "What will it take to have true peace of mind?"

Speaking for myself, I'm not there yet. I'm still on my journey. I'm still looking for the answers, searching for peace of mind, and trying my best to just get by. And I'm reassured by my progress overall. I look back at how I felt about myself when I was a teen. My, my, my! I was a wreck. A literal wreck. Please stay tuned for a second and even third part to this post... I plan to write about the connection between mental health and my eating disorder, the types of treatment I tried/sought and how well they worked out for me. I also plan to talk about the sexual and physical abuse that caused me to have such a poor self-image. I'm going out on a limb here, people. This is not typical for me to do - share such intimate details with complete strangers - but I feel like it is finally time to do it. Who knows, maybe my peace of mind will come from sharing my experiences with you.

I sure do hope so..................................