Observing the Self

One thing I've learned in the past 6 months is to observe myself more frequently and more consciously.

The process of observation involves more than merely taking notice. Once brought to your awareness, reflection and analysis come into play. It sounds easy... and quite alright, it's no difficult feat. But sometimes, this process can (gently) force you to face your fears, admit your thinking errors, shed light on your secrets, and even challenge your goals. I've listed some tips below for observing the self:


OBSERVING THE SELF

You can do this process ANYWHERE, ANYTIME but you may choose to do it where/when you know that you won't be interrupted so you do not lose your train of thought.

Find a comfortable position.

You may keep your eyes open, but it will help you remain focused if you close your eyes.

Take a deep breath, inhaling through your nostrils only, exhaling through your mouth.

Starting at your head, take notice of how its positioned. Does it cause you any discomfort? Is it tilted to one side? Forwards? Or back?

Notice any tension that may be in your neck and shoulders. Try to relax your muscles so that your shoulders will move downward into a more relaxed position.

Continue with this scan for each muscle group and body part. Your arms, your chest & abdomen, your legs, your hands & feet.

Just take notice of any tension and consciously relax as you go.

Now let your brain do all the work... think about how you've been feeling today. You might want to focus on a smaller time frame, perhaps the last hour or half hour.

Identify your emotions, give them a name. Such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, frustration, anxious, etc.

Ask yourself "How did my body react when I felt this way?" and recall the tension you relieved just a few moments ago.

Think about the cause of the emotion. Why were you feeling that way? What happened?

Do you find that you reacted to a situation? If so, ask yourself "What specifically about the situation made me feel this way?"

Now it's time to troubleshoot... think about the ideal situation... what reaction would be healthier for you?

At this point, if your emotion was negative, you may be feeling disappointed in your reaction. Remember that you are in control of your choices, you choose how to react, how to feel.

Allow yourself to be still, forgive yourself for any disappointments, or resonate with the positive emotion you experienced.

Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nostrils, exhaling through your mouth. In come new opportunities, out go the past experiences. In comes positivity, out goes negativity. In comes hope, out goes frustration.

When you're ready, go change the world...



Does it surprise you that observing the self (the method I described above) is nothing more than a self-accomplished body scan/meditation/problem-solving event? Practices like these bolster mindfulness - conscious awareness of your sensations, thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Practicing mindfulness has been scientifically proven to improve the way your brain functions. Biologically, it increases the number of neural pathways in the brain and can even create NEW pathways. This helps you think more clearly, generally speaking. It works by stimulating a part of your brain that connects both sides - the left & right hemispheres - allowing you to process emotions logically and make sense of your experiences. Practicing mindfulness, along with other relaxation techniques and cognitive therapies, also improves your brain's ability to produce certain neurotransmitters, putting you at a lower risk of developing brain disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression, and schizophrenia.

Putting it to work...

There are many things I've learned about myself by using this method. Lately, I've been getting extremely angry. There is always a trigger, and it's easily identified. However, I do not like that my response to these triggers is such violent anger. Over time, I've become very aware of my emotions and at the point I begin feeling this anger, I'm able to observe it before reacting to it. I'm not successful EVERY time, but 9 times out of 10, when I feel angry, I'm able to diffuse it quickly with healthy means. On the occasion that I'm NOT successful, I forgive myself and take appropriate actions as well as reflecting upon how the situation could be better handled.

One example, which tends to be how I lose my temper most of the time, is when dealing with my child. Communication can be extremely difficult with those that are close. I find it far easier to deal with strangers than with my own family. At least, it's easier to control my emotions when dealing with strangers...

My son has a mild mental retardation. He appears mostly normal, he is quite a bit behind his age group in the academic arena, but he is still able to do more than originally expected at this point. I was told, rather bluntly, not to expect him to "catch up" to the rest of the children his age. In other words, this is a permanent disability. Regardless of his issues, I love my son. I am very supportive of him and do all that I can to help him learn new skills and reinforce good behavior. About 2 years back, he started to behave in a strange manner. He was frequently misbehaving and disobeying, which sent me into a tizzy. It seemed like he responded only to yelling and negative attention, never my attempts to answer him quietly and calmly. When he behaved well and I rewarded him, that's when he would act out - almost as a means of rejecting the reward.

One time, after several days of good behavior, I asked him what he'd like to do as a reward... his choice was going to the movies. On the way to the theater, and without any known trigger, he started to cry and lean against the door of the car. He wouldn't tell me what was bothering him and he just kept on. When I tried to talk to him, he would hit me. At one point, he even tried to bite me. When we got to the theater, he wouldn't get out of the car. I was heartbroken that he was behaving this way. I was excited to be spending time with him and going to the movies - the very thing he chose to do. I was baffled.

To my horror, outbursts like this - and even worse - happened in many public places.

He has been in counseling for the past year and a half now. He has learned a few coping skills over that time. Considering that I have issues dealing with my own emotions, it is extremely difficult to deal with his explosions and outbursts, especially because he does them in public places! I'm not talking your typical bad behavior... it is out of the ordinary behavior... but thank God, it has mostly resolved. He and I do communicate better now. I think we could do even better if I were able to control my temper a little more.

For some reason, when it comes to him, it infuriates me when he has these tantrums. I try to logically work through my feelings about the situation... and I tell myself that it's not his fault, he has a disability, maybe he doesn't understand his behaviors, maybe there are things at work that I don't even know about. It really challenges me, as a parent, to go through these kinds of experiences. I have to remind myself to be a good example (which isn't easy!), at the same time, I am so blown away by the ridiculous, unwarranted behavior. Even the simplest thing can trigger this reaction from him, so how can I logically avoid it? It's disheartening.

Now, when it does happen and he refuses to let up, I find myself going over the top. It hurts... it hurts both of us. I find myself yelling. I hate it when I hear myself yelling! When everything finally settles down, I always apologize for losing my temper. But God knows, I'd rather prevent it from happening altogether. I only pray I get better at handling his outbursts.

In the meantime, observing the self helps me to think through what I could have said, what I can say next time, and plan out some strategies to handle him better in the future. It takes a lot of energy to deal with these issues, but I know that my work has paid off. Last week, I realized that he has one tantrum every weekend - just one. That's an improvement from 2 years ago! And the way I deal with the tantrums has changed, too. There are many times I'm able to catch it before it turns into a full-blown outburst.

Now to work on handling them appropriately 10 times out of 10... God help me! I'm working on slowing down my reaction time, in general, and taking time to think through the ways people would possibly respond to my choice of words. I think this is a natural part of maturing, a natural part of parenting. But for me, I feel it is extra-challenging. There are so many intricacies to take into consideration.

Nothing adequately prepares you for a life with bipolar disorder, but DEFINITELY, nothing adequately prepares you to be a good parent with bipolar disorder. It is hard... but I love my son too much to stop working at it.

The Worst Part

The worst part about having a mental illness is the fact that no matter how much I read about my illness, learn about it, it still does not make me immune to it. I wish that having the knowledge meant it would no longer plague my life.

Of course, you learn strategies and skills that help you deal with it better and, in the very least, help you understand some of the "why" questions... over time, your relapses seem to last for shorter periods of time and they are stretched farther apart. But there will always be a part of me that longs for a life free of these issues. I wish I never had to face another relapse. I wish I didn't have to work so hard at just living, staying alive, every single day.

IT. IS. EXHAUSTING!

And it's rather insulting that - after years of dealing with these illnesses and their complications... after having struggled with accepting my own diagnosis and need for help... after having gone through denial, shame, and self-forgiveness - people insinuate that I was misdiagnosed. It threatens to raise a lot of self-doubt that I have already laid to rest. It comes like a slap on the face and rouses my defensive resources. Now that I've become an "expert" in my own illness, you think I'm faking it? That I just want to be depressed or manic all the time? What do I have to gain from that??!

Many people (upon finding out I have bipolar disorder) make similar statements: "I would never guess someone like you could have bipolar disorder" or "You don't come across as being bipolar" or "You seem to be functioning too well to be mentally ill."

These comments make you feel desperate to prove you're genuinely sick because you want nothing more than to be understood. If people could (first) understand that I have these issues and then appreciate the effort I put forth to go on with my life, perhaps they could set aside their judgmentalism and be a little more gentle with me. I guess that's asking a lot, seeing as our society doesn't reward gentleness anymore.

So, in the process of trying to let people see this vulnerable side of me, it sets me up for judgment and sometimes gives people a totally different impression of me. I've been thinking about it for awhile now... I haven't decided yet... I struggle with these contradictions... Do I continue to share the deepest, darkest parts of me to possibly help another? Or do I hide it to save myself from others' judgments?

I've written about a lot of personal things in my blog, but there is SO MUCH MORE that I keep private because I'm just not sure I can deal with the consequences. It's a shame, too, because this blog is therapy for me. In order to process thoughts and ideas or deal with issues in my life, I need to be free to work through them without the fear of criticism and judgment. I've questioned using a public blog for such things... in the end, my hope lies in not just working through my own issues, but helping others who identify with similar issues. Plus, everyone wants to be heard. It's not a crime. And I won't apologize for being human.

Self-reflection and blogging: helpful recovery tools

I've wanted to blog the last few days but have been unable to isolate a topic I'd like to blog about. I thought perhaps I could talk about the ideas I'm reading about in 2 books. Right now, my mind is consumed with these ideas to the point that I feel overwhelmed... I can feel my brain swell and pulse as I get more into the books.

#1 - I'm reading a book I got as a gift from my sister, Michelle, called "How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth" - click on the image below to buy a copy!

To be honest, the book frustrates me because it talks at great length about the fact that people can/do grow physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but I haven't reached the part where it talks about HOW as of yet. I find it somewhat contradicting at times. Ever since I began studying psychology, I've always taken on the experiential model and I find it hard to relate to the case studies used in the book to illuminate the author's ideas. For example, one co-author, Henry Cloud, states in the book that one should live up to expectations of another but that for another to have these expectations is controlling (and wrong). Contradicting ideals. I find it hard to read because of things like this, even though most of it appears to cover topics I've already studied in-depth from other sources - just from a Christian perspective. I do find it interesting to read from a Christian psychotherapist and compare with that of the other book I'm currently reading.


#2 - I'm reading one of my favorite authors and researchers, Daniel Siegel's "Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation" - click on the image below to buy a copy!

Dr. Siegel is a proponent of mindfulness-based therapies as primary treatment for mental illness. His revolutionary approach aims to help individuals strengthen their abilities, train their brains to focus attention, integrate brain functions across the hemispheres and in specialized cells throughout the body: a means of becoming a director of their thoughts, feelings, and internal life (mind) - to truly experience them all - rather than merely powerlessly succumbing to them and identifying each and every thought or feeling as a definition of who you are as an individual. Siegel explains how people suffering from mental illness experience a state of unintegrated brain functioning, resulting in dysregulation. The book also gives examples of how to hone skills that allow integration and incorporates case studies that make sense and offer a clarifying view of his life's work and passion.

I constantly find myself identifying with his nostalgic retelling of Medical School and his dissatisfaction with the way medicine was practiced (and taught) 25 years ago - without the recognition that health encompasses the wellness of the mind in an intricate collaboration with the body and that brain functioning determines the fitness of both. My hope - and what led to me this book in the first place - is that mindfulness-based awareness practices will be more heavily researched as a treatment for bipolar disorder (which he talks about in his book) as well as other affective/mood disorders so that there is scientific proof of what I, and other researchers such as Dr. Siegel, believe to be true: the healing power we all desperately need can be found within ourselves and can only be summoned using our own awareness that it (1) exists (2) exists within us and (3) must be practiced/controlled to bring us to good mental health.

I do use a lot of mindful practices in day-to-day life, some without realizing it. I will talk about a few of them in my blog (starting at the end of this entry) because I think you will find that they are things we all do at some point, and could benefit from practicing more often. I recommend reading this book, but be warned that it will make your head spin at times. There is a lot of terminology and sharing of medical science that reach far beyond the scope of the average lay-person (in my opinion). If you are enthralled with the human brain, you will LOVE it! If you find it hard to read, take it in small chunks. I've done a lot of reading about neuroscience and most of what I'm reading in this book is NOT new to me, yet I find it overwhelming at times. It's a lot of information to process...

I have another book, by Ronald Siegel, from which I've used excerpts to offer recovery tools/skills to my support group on occasion. I do intend to read it from cover-to-cover when I finish with Mindsight if I have enough time left on winter break (from school). It talks more in-depth about how to practice mindfulness and self-awareness and is more of a self-help how-to book than a non-fiction explanation of research findings (like Mindsight). Click below to buy a copy!

One mindfulness skill I've acquired and practiced over time (without knowing it) is self-reflection: reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, life. The thing I find most challenging, though, is to reflect upon them without judgment, without thinking about all of the "shoulds" and wondering what if... Blogging is a means of practicing self-reflection. Many people think of blogs as a way of communicating with others, but I use my blog as a means of communicating, more so, with myself.

I've always been the type to use a journal. I used to write songs and poetry about my feelings and experiences. As I grew older, I shifted to keeping such things more private and tucked away somewhere that nobody would find them or have a reason to look at them, including myself. But as I started to earnestly seek recovery (6 years ago), I started to journal more honestly and openly. And then an amazing thing happened - one day, about 5 years ago, I started to read old journal entries - something out of the norm for me.

I discovered how much I changed, grew over time. I was able to decipher patterns in my moods and started to actually SEE the emotional ups and downs that are the hallmark of bipolar disorder. I began to understand that it wasn't just a diagnosis, it was real, and it was my reality to own up to. That discovery launched me deep into this quest to learn more about my illness and myself. I've had a lot of help along the way and, certainly, various sources of motivation to keep me going. Sometimes it was a fact I learned, a book I read, a blog I saw online, a professor, a classmate's comment, a family member's disbelief, a scientific study, a research paper, etc.

I found that nearly every 3 years my personality changed drastically. Approximately every 3 months, my overall outlook on life changed slowly from one extreme to the other (depression-to-mania). And then, in the last 2 years, I've had far more mixed episodes (long-lasting, too!) than both mania AND depression. I've been told that it is quite unlike a person with bipolar disorder to be able to discern these things. Some even question my diagnosis, as if it was something I wanted for myself - a crutch to lean on, a means of escaping reality. I simply have to laugh, it's the only way I've found it possible to cope with those ignorant comments.

My most recent fascination (as seen in my 2012 blog posts) is based on some of my traumatic past experiences (sexual abuse) and how they have affected my road to recovery, each and every step of the way. I've been diligently seeking for a way to overcome the past hurts and failures, some of which were self-inflicted, to develop into a better person, a brighter future. Being a Freudian, I try to dissect myself and my thoughts/emotions, especially regarding the abuse.

This is why blogging is helpful in my recovery. It is a form of self-psychotherapy, if you will. One that requires postformal thought and meta-cognition - both of which I was incapable of doing up until the last 5 or so years. Considering that I am almost 30 years old and do not have a developmental delay, this is a little surprising to me. (I experienced adolescent-like situations well into my early 20's) I have derived that bipolar disorder, at any age, stunts personal growth & development much like the hormonal rush of puberty encumbers and befuddles the adolescent's quest for personal identity. Therefore, blogging and dissecting my past blog-posts is a self-reflective recovery tool that helps me make sense of my moods, thoughts, reactions, and feelings.

I encourage you to consider journaling for stress relief or self-reflective reasons. There is nothing wrong with journaling just for the sake of getting those thoughts, feelings, emotions OUT and onto paper... it's healthy! Keep in mind that blogging (while it is excessively convenient) is a little more invasive because, after all, it can be read by nearly anyone with internet access. As a leader of a support group, I don't mind sharing my experiences - I do it daily - which is another recovery tool in my box. I hope that something you read in this post has been of help to you.