I've wanted to blog the last few days but have been unable to isolate a topic I'd like to blog about. I thought perhaps I could talk about the ideas I'm reading about in 2 books. Right now, my mind is consumed with these ideas to the point that I feel overwhelmed... I can feel my brain swell and pulse as I get more into the books.
#1 - I'm reading a book I got as a gift from my sister, Michelle, called "How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth" - click on the image below to buy a copy!
To be honest, the book frustrates me because it talks at great length about the fact that people can/do grow physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but I haven't reached the part where it talks about HOW as of yet. I find it somewhat contradicting at times. Ever since I began studying psychology, I've always taken on the experiential model and I find it hard to relate to the case studies used in the book to illuminate the author's ideas. For example, one co-author, Henry Cloud, states in the book that one should live up to expectations of another but that for another to have these expectations is controlling (and wrong). Contradicting ideals. I find it hard to read because of things like this, even though most of it appears to cover topics I've already studied in-depth from other sources - just from a Christian perspective. I do find it interesting to read from a Christian psychotherapist and compare with that of the other book I'm currently reading.
#2 - I'm reading one of my favorite authors and researchers, Daniel Siegel's "Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation" - click on the image below to buy a copy!
Dr. Siegel is a proponent of mindfulness-based therapies as primary treatment for mental illness. His revolutionary approach aims to help individuals strengthen their abilities, train their brains to focus attention, integrate brain functions across the hemispheres and in specialized cells throughout the body: a means of becoming a director of their thoughts, feelings, and internal life (mind) - to truly experience them all - rather than merely powerlessly succumbing to them and identifying each and every thought or feeling as a definition of who you are as an individual. Siegel explains how people suffering from mental illness experience a state of unintegrated brain functioning, resulting in dysregulation. The book also gives examples of how to hone skills that allow integration and incorporates case studies that make sense and offer a clarifying view of his life's work and passion.
I constantly find myself identifying with his nostalgic retelling of Medical School and his dissatisfaction with the way medicine was practiced (and taught) 25 years ago - without the recognition that health encompasses the wellness of the mind in an intricate collaboration with the body and that brain functioning determines the fitness of both. My hope - and what led to me this book in the first place - is that mindfulness-based awareness practices will be more heavily researched as a treatment for bipolar disorder (which he talks about in his book) as well as other affective/mood disorders so that there is scientific proof of what I, and other researchers such as Dr. Siegel, believe to be true: the healing power we all desperately need can be found within ourselves and can only be summoned using our own awareness that it (1) exists (2) exists within us and (3) must be practiced/controlled to bring us to good mental health.
I do use a lot of mindful practices in day-to-day life, some without realizing it. I will talk about a few of them in my blog (starting at the end of this entry) because I think you will find that they are things we all do at some point, and could benefit from practicing more often. I recommend reading this book, but be warned that it will make your head spin at times. There is a lot of terminology and sharing of medical science that reach far beyond the scope of the average lay-person (in my opinion). If you are enthralled with the human brain, you will LOVE it! If you find it hard to read, take it in small chunks. I've done a lot of reading about neuroscience and most of what I'm reading in this book is NOT new to me, yet I find it overwhelming at times. It's a lot of information to process...
I have another book, by Ronald Siegel, from which I've used excerpts to offer recovery tools/skills to my support group on occasion. I do intend to read it from cover-to-cover when I finish with Mindsight if I have enough time left on winter break (from school). It talks more in-depth about how to practice mindfulness and self-awareness and is more of a self-help how-to book than a non-fiction explanation of research findings (like Mindsight). Click below to buy a copy!
One mindfulness skill I've acquired and practiced over time (without knowing it) is self-reflection: reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, life. The thing I find most challenging, though, is to reflect upon them without judgment, without thinking about all of the "shoulds" and wondering what if... Blogging is a means of practicing self-reflection. Many people think of blogs as a way of communicating with others, but I use my blog as a means of communicating, more so, with myself.
I've always been the type to use a journal. I used to write songs and poetry about my feelings and experiences. As I grew older, I shifted to keeping such things more private and tucked away somewhere that nobody would find them or have a reason to look at them, including myself. But as I started to earnestly seek recovery (6 years ago), I started to journal more honestly and openly. And then an amazing thing happened - one day, about 5 years ago, I started to read old journal entries - something out of the norm for me.
I discovered how much I changed, grew over time. I was able to decipher patterns in my moods and started to actually SEE the emotional ups and downs that are the hallmark of bipolar disorder. I began to understand that it wasn't just a diagnosis, it was real, and it was my reality to own up to. That discovery launched me deep into this quest to learn more about my illness and myself. I've had a lot of help along the way and, certainly, various sources of motivation to keep me going. Sometimes it was a fact I learned, a book I read, a blog I saw online, a professor, a classmate's comment, a family member's disbelief, a scientific study, a research paper, etc.
I found that nearly every 3 years my personality changed drastically. Approximately every 3 months, my overall outlook on life changed slowly from one extreme to the other (depression-to-mania). And then, in the last 2 years, I've had far more mixed episodes (long-lasting, too!) than both mania AND depression. I've been told that it is quite unlike a person with bipolar disorder to be able to discern these things. Some even question my diagnosis, as if it was something I wanted for myself - a crutch to lean on, a means of escaping reality. I simply have to laugh, it's the only way I've found it possible to cope with those ignorant comments.
My most recent fascination (as seen in my 2012 blog posts) is based on some of my traumatic past experiences (sexual abuse) and how they have affected my road to recovery, each and every step of the way. I've been diligently seeking for a way to overcome the past hurts and failures, some of which were self-inflicted, to develop into a better person, a brighter future. Being a Freudian, I try to dissect myself and my thoughts/emotions, especially regarding the abuse.
This is why blogging is helpful in my recovery. It is a form of self-psychotherapy, if you will. One that requires postformal thought and meta-cognition - both of which I was incapable of doing up until the last 5 or so years. Considering that I am almost 30 years old and do not have a developmental delay, this is a little surprising to me. (I experienced adolescent-like situations well into my early 20's) I have derived that bipolar disorder, at any age, stunts personal growth & development much like the hormonal rush of puberty encumbers and befuddles the adolescent's quest for personal identity. Therefore, blogging and dissecting my past blog-posts is a self-reflective recovery tool that helps me make sense of my moods, thoughts, reactions, and feelings.
I encourage you to consider journaling for stress relief or self-reflective reasons. There is nothing wrong with journaling just for the sake of getting those thoughts, feelings, emotions OUT and onto paper... it's healthy! Keep in mind that blogging (while it is excessively convenient) is a little more invasive because, after all, it can be read by nearly anyone with internet access. As a leader of a support group, I don't mind sharing my experiences - I do it daily - which is another recovery tool in my box. I hope that something you read in this post has been of help to you.
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