Since my last post, things have changed quite a bit. I went from feeling utterly and completely manic to losing all motivation - my energy level has been sapped. I am experiencing anhedonia at it's finest. Below, I am outlining an approximate timeline of my symptoms for my future reference:
Beginning the first week of January - lack of concentration, unable to focus on 1 thing at a time (jumping around a lot), hyperverbal, unable to access full memory (couldn't find the words I wanted to speak, short-term memory loss, etc.), sleeping fewer hours than normal, emotional lability, and excessive spending.
Beginning the third week of January - a stretch of several days of lack of sleep due to night terrors, return of PTSD flashbacks, hyperarousal, increased anxiety, increased irritability (easily agitated, short temper, explosive and overreacting), a buzzing sensation in my head. Returned a lot of recent purchases only to make more purchases. Unable to focus on a movie or TV show (did not watch TV because I was always busy working with my hands), a sense of general restlessness. Increased desire to control my environment and clean and organize - accomplished a lot of projects around the house that I had been putting off for months. Involved in a car accident (ran over 2 small trees) due to distractability which caused significant damage to my car - followed by an episode of vertigo the same day causing me to sleep for 6 hours straight during the middle of the day.
Beginning the last weekend of January - low mood, loss of motivation, anhedonia, low energy level, excessive sleeping, lethargy, and lack of self-care including hygeinic activities. Still able to accomplish small tasks such as doing the dishes and brushing my teeth. I did finally take a shower last night and felt much better emotionally. Still able to self-regulate and managing irritability without exploding. Poor dietary choices but eating excessively and out of boredom. Was able to pay attention enough to watch a few episodes of a new TV show.
Today, I was able to motivate myself to blog. I am just bracing myself for a deep depression and preparing for a week of no activity.
Hopefully this information will resonate with some of you out there who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I will attempt to blog again when things improve.
Sunday, January 31, 2021
Thursday, January 28, 2021
Balance
It's shocking how quickly things can change. After all, that's why they call it "rapid cycling" bipolar disorder. And because it varies from person to person and from one episode to the next, there's never a dull moment. Let me explain.
At first glance, it seemed like I went from even keel to manic overnight. While my condition did take a sharp left turn at some point over the last week, hind sight tells me that my manic episode has been amping up for at least a month now. I missed the early warning signs and truth be told, that's because it's been so very long that I've been this manic. Maybe 8 years!! Yes, I've weathered ups and downs and if there was a graph to show where I was mood-wise each day, you'd certainly see the "sharpness" I reference. But even with these variations, my mood has neither been extremely low nor extremely high at any given point in time in recent years. Of course, this is all relative.
Frankly, I'm scared. You heard me. I'm scared. You'd expect me to feel good if my mood was elevated, but no, I'm not. Something doesn't sit right with me and I know it. I'm not myself and I know it. For a time, I've felt very "normal" or "even keel" or "baseline" whatever wording you choose - which isn't my norm. I'm grateful for that! But that has changed recently and I'm just now putting all of the pieces together.
What you see: A person who is well put-together "given the circumstances," who appears to be less human than others. Someone that tackles "things" all by themself, who doesn't put their trust in others. Outspoken and unafraid to share their opinions. A thrill seeker. Who uncovers a new dream or discovers a new hobby. Driven. Accomplished. Extremely productive and at a very fast rate. Humble. Or perhaps an expert multi-tasker who is struggling to maintain focus. Who talks too much. Makes a big deal about the smallest details. A micro-manager. Someone who is always busy. Who constantly seeks acknowledgment and reassurance for a job well done or that they're doing the right thing. An Irish temper. Someone who doesn't really know what they want or what they like. A procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. Someone who doesn't know when it's time to ask for help.
What it both is and leads to, in a never-ending cycle, over and over again, at the speed of light: Overwhelming guilt. Self-deprication. Memory problems. Fatigue. Relationship strain. Making frequent mistakes because you're moving too fast. And of course, depression.
Somehow, I managed to find a place in-between where I jived for a while... a place I like to call the BALANCE. Yes, a balancing act of both the ups and downs, the good and bad, the sane and insane. Somewhere right in the middle, that's the sweet spot. Many people have achieved this; I'm no pioneer. But somehow, I've gone astraw. And somehow, I have to get back there.
So, if you know me, then you know that I will bounce back. But as they say, it's going to take some love, patience, and time.
At first glance, it seemed like I went from even keel to manic overnight. While my condition did take a sharp left turn at some point over the last week, hind sight tells me that my manic episode has been amping up for at least a month now. I missed the early warning signs and truth be told, that's because it's been so very long that I've been this manic. Maybe 8 years!! Yes, I've weathered ups and downs and if there was a graph to show where I was mood-wise each day, you'd certainly see the "sharpness" I reference. But even with these variations, my mood has neither been extremely low nor extremely high at any given point in time in recent years. Of course, this is all relative.
Frankly, I'm scared. You heard me. I'm scared. You'd expect me to feel good if my mood was elevated, but no, I'm not. Something doesn't sit right with me and I know it. I'm not myself and I know it. For a time, I've felt very "normal" or "even keel" or "baseline" whatever wording you choose - which isn't my norm. I'm grateful for that! But that has changed recently and I'm just now putting all of the pieces together.
What you see: A person who is well put-together "given the circumstances," who appears to be less human than others. Someone that tackles "things" all by themself, who doesn't put their trust in others. Outspoken and unafraid to share their opinions. A thrill seeker. Who uncovers a new dream or discovers a new hobby. Driven. Accomplished. Extremely productive and at a very fast rate. Humble. Or perhaps an expert multi-tasker who is struggling to maintain focus. Who talks too much. Makes a big deal about the smallest details. A micro-manager. Someone who is always busy. Who constantly seeks acknowledgment and reassurance for a job well done or that they're doing the right thing. An Irish temper. Someone who doesn't really know what they want or what they like. A procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. Someone who doesn't know when it's time to ask for help.
What it both is and leads to, in a never-ending cycle, over and over again, at the speed of light: Overwhelming guilt. Self-deprication. Memory problems. Fatigue. Relationship strain. Making frequent mistakes because you're moving too fast. And of course, depression.
Somehow, I managed to find a place in-between where I jived for a while... a place I like to call the BALANCE. Yes, a balancing act of both the ups and downs, the good and bad, the sane and insane. Somewhere right in the middle, that's the sweet spot. Many people have achieved this; I'm no pioneer. But somehow, I've gone astraw. And somehow, I have to get back there.
So, if you know me, then you know that I will bounce back. But as they say, it's going to take some love, patience, and time.
Friday, January 22, 2021
A Small Success
You're supposed to celebrate even the smallest of successes, so here's the success I would like to celebrate. Although I've been angry and severely depressed at times, I've been a lot more even since starting my new medication with the dose increase. Yay!!! There's still kinks to work out and nothing is perfect, but I know it's nothing I can't overcome!
I have had some very turbulent things happen to me these last few months (what else is new, eh?!) and I'm proud to say I've made it through them thus far. I could not have done it without the help of my supportive people - my mom, my husband, my children, my coworkers, Carol, Kristy. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my psychiatric nurse practitioner has left the practice and the person I trusted with my meds for years is no longer there to guide me. My new doctor does not listen to me at all which makes treatment very difficult. I weathered my 18-yr old son telling me he didn't want to see me anymore, a COVID scare, a broken right knee, and a herniated disc in my low back. I've had many anxiety attacks along the way, which is embarrassing at best. I've suffered from sleep deprivation at times (due to pain and grief and an occasional episode of night terrors). Some of my family members are enduring very serious medical conditions as of late which causes me a great deal of sadness and my marriage has been strained by a combination of all of these factors.
Is this deja vu?!
I feel like there's a pattern lying somewhere hidden here. I certainly didn't have much control over my NP leaving the practice, but I feel like I could have prevented the others from happening. I feel so guilty for not realizing that sooner. My saving grace is that I have managed to weather all of this without returning to previous maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Adulting sucks!
Adulting means taking ownership and responsibility for the things in your life that you manufacture with your choices and happen to be things that you can make the choice to change. Choices, choices, choices... Such is life!
And so today, although I could choose to be negative about all of the challenges, I choose positivity. I choose acceptance. I choose to rise to the occasion and take matters into my own hands. I will not be tricked into thinking I have no control over what happens to me. I refuse to believe the lies of the Devil and I choose to move forward in faith and with hope in my chest knowing that I can do hard things!!!
I have had some very turbulent things happen to me these last few months (what else is new, eh?!) and I'm proud to say I've made it through them thus far. I could not have done it without the help of my supportive people - my mom, my husband, my children, my coworkers, Carol, Kristy. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my psychiatric nurse practitioner has left the practice and the person I trusted with my meds for years is no longer there to guide me. My new doctor does not listen to me at all which makes treatment very difficult. I weathered my 18-yr old son telling me he didn't want to see me anymore, a COVID scare, a broken right knee, and a herniated disc in my low back. I've had many anxiety attacks along the way, which is embarrassing at best. I've suffered from sleep deprivation at times (due to pain and grief and an occasional episode of night terrors). Some of my family members are enduring very serious medical conditions as of late which causes me a great deal of sadness and my marriage has been strained by a combination of all of these factors.
Is this deja vu?!
I feel like there's a pattern lying somewhere hidden here. I certainly didn't have much control over my NP leaving the practice, but I feel like I could have prevented the others from happening. I feel so guilty for not realizing that sooner. My saving grace is that I have managed to weather all of this without returning to previous maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Adulting means taking ownership and responsibility for the things in your life that you manufacture with your choices and happen to be things that you can make the choice to change. Choices, choices, choices... Such is life!
And so today, although I could choose to be negative about all of the challenges, I choose positivity. I choose acceptance. I choose to rise to the occasion and take matters into my own hands. I will not be tricked into thinking I have no control over what happens to me. I refuse to believe the lies of the Devil and I choose to move forward in faith and with hope in my chest knowing that I can do hard things!!!
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