Balance

It's shocking how quickly things can change. After all, that's why they call it "rapid cycling" bipolar disorder. And because it varies from person to person and from one episode to the next, there's never a dull moment. Let me explain.

At first glance, it seemed like I went from even keel to manic overnight. While my condition did take a sharp left turn at some point over the last week, hind sight tells me that my manic episode has been amping up for at least a month now. I missed the early warning signs and truth be told, that's because it's been so very long that I've been this manic. Maybe 8 years!! Yes, I've weathered ups and downs and if there was a graph to show where I was mood-wise each day, you'd certainly see the "sharpness" I reference. But even with these variations, my mood has neither been extremely low nor extremely high at any given point in time in recent years. Of course, this is all relative.

Frankly, I'm scared. You heard me. I'm scared. You'd expect me to feel good if my mood was elevated, but no, I'm not. Something doesn't sit right with me and I know it. I'm not myself and I know it. For a time, I've felt very "normal" or "even keel" or "baseline" whatever wording you choose - which isn't my norm. I'm grateful for that! But that has changed recently and I'm just now putting all of the pieces together.

What you see: A person who is well put-together "given the circumstances," who appears to be less human than others. Someone that tackles "things" all by themself, who doesn't put their trust in others. Outspoken and unafraid to share their opinions. A thrill seeker. Who uncovers a new dream or discovers a new hobby. Driven. Accomplished. Extremely productive and at a very fast rate. Humble. Or perhaps an expert multi-tasker who is struggling to maintain focus. Who talks too much. Makes a big deal about the smallest details. A micro-manager. Someone who is always busy. Who constantly seeks acknowledgment and reassurance for a job well done or that they're doing the right thing. An Irish temper. Someone who doesn't really know what they want or what they like. A procrastinator when it comes to decision-making. Someone who doesn't know when it's time to ask for help.

What it both is and leads to, in a never-ending cycle, over and over again, at the speed of light: Overwhelming guilt. Self-deprication. Memory problems. Fatigue. Relationship strain. Making frequent mistakes because you're moving too fast. And of course, depression.

Somehow, I managed to find a place in-between where I jived for a while... a place I like to call the BALANCE. Yes, a balancing act of both the ups and downs, the good and bad, the sane and insane. Somewhere right in the middle, that's the sweet spot. Many people have achieved this; I'm no pioneer. But somehow, I've gone astraw. And somehow, I have to get back there.

So, if you know me, then you know that I will bounce back. But as they say, it's going to take some love, patience, and time.