Endless Pursuit of Happiness

I've been deep in thought lately... thinking about this endless pursuit of happiness that we call "life." I've also been revisiting some Buddhist principles that I learned about in my Comparative Religions course. Specifically, dukkha, or suffering which can be summed up as the consequence of becoming attached... attached to positive emotions elicited by a vast variety of people, places, and things in this world. So much so that in the absence of those endorphin-releasing events, we experience a great suffering or sense of loss. I'm sure there's a lot more to it, this is how I understand it to be. (correct me if I'm wrong!)

And this has me really thinking about the hedonic treadmill... which I currently feel stuck on. I currently feel like I'm riding the waves, waiting for the next GOOD THING to happen to me - the next positive experience, happy experience. Despite being aware of this psychological process, I cannot shake the associated emotions.

In consideration of resilience, I wax and wane about whether I'm thriving or just surviving. I have imposter syndrome. I am faking being satisfied with my life (for a variety of reasons) and feel like I'm putting on a theatrical display for those around me in an effort to have a positive effect on their lives. I'm not living for myself. I'm not even really taking care of myself. I'm going through the motions, but am I really doing what makes me "happy?"

So I come to a point where I'm asking myself... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I didn't feel miserable? Would I even know how it felt? Would I recognize it? I feel like I've been SUFFERING so much this last year that I wouldn't even recognize what it looks like or feels like to "feel happy" anymore. But what if - WHAT IF I decided that no matter what happens, I'm just along for the ride and am going to appreciate any and all lessons that come from this journey? That's where my mind is right now.

I'm trying to remember that NOTHING IS PERMANENT and EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY, which means that even the "good things" will come to an end and no matter how "good" or "positive" a person's life experience feels, those emotions will fade or be stripped away at some point. This gives me a little perspective. And so no, I'm not living my life for myself right now. But essentially, we are all hedonists... so living for others makes me feel good and that's the ONLY THING that continues to make me feel good. I can never be "too kind" to someone or do "too much good."

I focus more on doing what's RIGHT than what's "good" because good is a relative term and very subjective to people and their backgrounds, experiences, emotions. So there's no real "good" or "bad" just RIGHT or WRONG.

As long as I can focus on doing THE NEXT RIGHT THING, I can take it one day, one moment, one step at a time and become AWARE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT. And now I'm in my Zen.

Living Victoriously Despite Despair

Woke up yesterday feeling "some kind of way" and again today feeling drained, exhausted, overwhelmed.

But on both yesterday and today, I managed to pull myself out of bed and get down to business. It's the small victories that matter most! Yesterday, I ended up accomplishing all of the tasks on my to-do list and then some. Today, I managed to start Lydia's laundry and take a shower. I'm going to meet up with some local ladies today for a cocktail and to chit-chat about life. A little socialization to break up the cleaning tasks lately.

By no means am I saying that I'm superior to anyone struggling to do these things and overcome depression. But I like to compare myself to the previous version(s) of me. And the previous version(s) of me could not do this. So in those terms, I must be doing better. Relative to my previous self, I've become an overcomer - a victorious warrior! I will hold onto this sentiment when I'm feeling low throughout the day.

"You are doing it. You are a living testament to His grace and mercy. You will only continue to grow and become a seasoned pro at living victoriously. In Jesus' name!"

Some kind of feeling

Lately, I've been having some kind of feeling. Words cannot begin to describe the distress that comes with it. I am being enveloped in black ribbons of despair that turn into a never-ending abyss of darkness and emotional pain.

It is as if I have no control over it... it comes in the form of a wave and then sweeps me off my feet and covers me in a thick, black cloud of nothingness. And oh the tears that come with it.

Nobody would hardly know about it. I think I've been keeping it under wraps pretty well. You see my face but you get only a blank stare and a glimpse of a smile, a false sense that everything is okay.

Truth is, I'm going through a lot right now. It's just... a lot! For example, losing a friend who has been my hang-out buddy for the last 5 years. Breast cancer. Fuck cancer! Losing my big brother to kidney disease. I don't get to see him often but when I do, it's hard not to sob. I want to remember the good times with my family and friends but it's so damn hard right now. All I see is death. Death is all around me. And it's taking a toll on me.

I would never say this to them, but I am afraid for them. Of course I would be. But I am also afraid for myself. I am afraid of how deep the pain will be when they pass. I don't want to feel that. I'm getting a glimpse of what it might be like now... while they're still here. How much more when they're gone!

I fear that people will minimize how much this affects me. So, I don't speak it out. Ever. I just want to hold onto them tight and never let go. And I fear that never-ending sadness when I have to let go...

And then there's my job situation. A whole different story. A mess of a story. I won't begin to divulge and you can imagine how complicated, horrible, and distressing it must be. And the financial strain. And the fighting over finances with my husband. And the debilitating back pain and injury. I could go on...

And the fact that all of those are the result of an accident that was not my fault. Something that happened to me that I didn't ask for. An accident that has brought about insurmountable changes in my life. God help me!

I hold onto the promises of God because that is the only truth I know anymore. I cannot do this on my own! I am depending upon the higher power to bring this challenge to an abrupt end and set me free from the bondage of these burdens.

God, please hear my prayer and grant me this: patience, perseverance, and peace!

Verbal vomit

Per recommendation of my therapist, I am going to vent my frustrations in the form of verbal vomit.

Trigger warning: negativity, TMI, profanity



My day starts with struggling to get out of bed; extreme pain in my back and hips due to the accident results in taking a lot longer to just get up. I walk to the bathroom with urgency because I cannot get up at night to empty my bladder - because I need help in the bathroom and there's nobody to help at night. So, I brace myself for sitting on the toilet. Back pain in the morning makes it hard to bend and sit. Then, I call for assistance wiping myself. Yes, it's embarrassing. No, I'm not lazy - it's just not possible to do alone. Showering is another story in and of itself. Struggling, arguing, fighting over how he needs to wash me. He's so helpful but I'm not patient at all, as I'm learning about myself. Drying and dressing (with assistance) just hurts... a lot!

Then, I set out on the journey to walk down the stairs to get coffee. (sometimes he delivers it to me upstairs because he knows how much it hurts to come down the stairs that early) I recline on the couch because that's the most comfortable position (although I still have major pain) and try to do computer work, reading, or watch a photo show on the big screen. Now, I start to get frustrated that there's so much to do that I cannot do. Laundry, dishes, junk that piles up everywhere. Every table covered in books and papers, cards and drawing that Lydia makes for me to show she cares. I can't justify throwing them away yet I cannot sort them and file them away because of back pain. Most days, all I can manage to do is physical therapy or a quick trip to the pharmacy to pick up meds. Some days are better than others, but never without it's own pain, typically a nine on a scale of ten. But many times 10/10!!!

Physical therapy is tough. Doing the exercises at home are redundant and boring... and painful. It's hard to motivate yourself to do something that you know will cause pain, especially the kind of pain that causes serious deficits in self-care.

This just sucks! It sucks that I am missing out on a lot of things that life has to offer. I cannot do simple things around the house. For example, bending to put things into the dishwasher has me in tears. Sweeping and reaching to clean the countertops makes my back burn with an intense fire. I cry as I type this because I just can't do much of anything and it's not fair! I can't ride a bicycle with my daughter. I can't crawl on the floor and play with her. I can't bend to load the washer or dryer. Cleaning the cat litter is utter torture. Even folding laundry is difficult (because of bending) and making the bed alone is clearly not possible. I cannot sit in the car for long periods of time, or short periods of time for that matter, without stabbing, shooting pains in my back and side down through my thighs and calves. I cannot have sex with my husband. I cannot even cuddle in bed because the twisting motion hurts. Turning in bed is hard enough! I love dancing, but now I can't dance. Tried it once, under the influence of alcohol, and the next few days I paid severely for it!!! Shopping is unbearable. I used to be able to walk around Target for hours just browsing. Now, I limit my shopping experiences to 15-20 minutes all because of back pain. The quicker I can get out, the better! I cannot work - Lord knows if I'll even have a job to go back to when the dust settles. This is not an exhaustive list, just a few examples.

Gravity makes things much worse for me. The longer I'm sitting, the longer I'm up out of bed, the more my back hurts because of... well, science. My vertebrae are basically grinding on top of one another with no cushion because of the inflammation. My nerve is being pinched because of the pressure inside of the vertebrae. I have received cortisone shots, lidocaine shots, epidurals... nerve-racking procedures because of my back pain. How does it feel to let someone poke your back with huge ass needles, you ask?? It feels like you're going to jump out of your skin. It fucking hurts. And all you do is lay there and worry that they will miss their mark and you will become paralyzed. It's some scary shit!! The local anesthetic, yeah, supposed to help but actually hurts like a motherfucker when they inject you. I have anxiety attacks every time. Each time, the anticipation gets worse, even though I know what will happen, I'm still scared and worried and utterly terrified. But... all for relief, right? But I've gotten no relief yet. So, another procedure coming ahead, a far scarier procedure.

I know I'm not alone. Many people have gone through this. But it's SO FUCKING UNFAIR! I did not ask for this situation. I was merely driving home from work and CRASH! I was not at fault. I cannot go into details for legal reasons but this is a NIGHTMARE!!! I want to scream at the driver. I want to shake them and "wake them up" to the reality of what they've caused! I want to curse those kids out so bad. But I remained calm. I spoke kindly. I feel guilt for the anger that I harbor. I'm very angry. Livid. How could this happen?!?! Doesn't anyone have any fucking common sense anymore?!

It's not fair. I can say that 1,000 times and still not get it off my chest. It's just not fair!!! You walked away with a ticket that you probably fought in court, who knows. And I walk away with my life changed forever. I know you might think I'm being overly dramatic but you have NO idea what your nonsense has caused. I cannot believe you could ever think - what you told me that day - was true. What in the actual fuck!

And it's not just the back pain. The concussion was terrible. I still have symptoms sometimes, just not as intense as they were before. Do you realize that for WEEKS, all I could do was lay in bed?! I couldn't even cry because crying triggered a migraine and then I would just lay in the dark in agonizing pain, crying by myself. My family could not even stay by my side because they had work and school. I was utterly alone in the darkness for WEEKS!!!!! What the fuck! It's not fair!!

I have cancelled so many plans and postponed so many events because of this. The few things I've done have led people to believe that my condition is "not so bad." And they couldn't be more wrong. I suffered for doing those things. I paid the price. I cannot disagree more with ANYONE who thinks this is "not so bad" or "it could have been worse." GTFO of here with that bullshit!!!! IT IS FUCKING BAD!!!!

I have a right to feel the way I feel but I shove it deep down inside so that nobody will see what a mess this is. Do you know how inconvenient it is to go to the doctor's office 1-2x per week, and then physical therapy 2-3x per week? Do you know that procedures take time for insurance approval so I've waited SO FUCKING LONG for any kind of help, any HOPE of relief. And relief has yet to come!!! It's NOT fair! My therapist was right, I need to let it out, get it out of my system, just get it off my chest. I try to look at the positive and encourage myself. I try to subject myself to positive material and uplifting people. But it's so very hard to stay positive!! This bullshit is a full-time job in itself. Talking to insurance companies and hospitals on the phone constantly. Getting paperwork together for court. What a fucking mess!!! It's not fair!!!!!!!

For now, I'll leave it at that. But just know, if you're reading this, that I cannot put into words how devastating this has been. I hope you never experience this in your lifetime. Thanks for reading...

Here I grow again!

God won't give you more than you can handle. While it's hard right now, I do believe that there is a bigger, better plan that God has for me. There just has to be.

Last November, something terrible happened. An accident. I suffered a concussion and post concussive syndrome. I was out of work for 3 months consecutively. My back was injured during the accident as well. When I started transitioning back to work, I was miserable with migraines daily and my back pain increased significantly to the point that I am unable to function normally. I had to go on another leave of absence. It's been 7 weeks since my last day of work and I'm growing more frustrated and stressed. The process of getting treatment for my back is very busy and tiring. There have been days I wanted to quit, days I didn't get out of bed, a few weeks of utter darkness.

I am sad and grieving the loss of a normal life I cannot play with my 6-year-old daughter. I cannot work. I cannot dance. I cannot bear sitting in a car for long periods of time. I even dread the thought of being in a car due to PTSD and anxiety now; driving is torture. I cannot shop (thank God for order pick-up.) I cannot stand or sit for long periods of time. Every position is painful, every movement painful. I do not get relief. What I do get is immense guilt for the life I cannot give my daughter and constant worry for what the future holds.

You can imagine how mentally exhausting this can be. Physical health plays a role in mental health. Chronic health problems and traumatic events lead to depression and anxiety. This is where I'm at right now... every day spent ruminating about the accident, angry that a young person's mistake has led to this. I worry about job loss and loss of bodily function, wondering what the future holds for me as a nurse. And to be honest, I'm just not sure anymore. Maybe it's time to move onto something else? Or maybe it's time to move up a step on this career ladder? I'm so torn. I know I am capable of enduring this hardship and seeing what God has in store for me. So I press on...

I press on because I have so much gratitude. I'm grateful that this accident wasn't worse, that it didn't happen somewhere else, that my family was not in the car with me, that I am getting the healthcare that I deserve, that I have just a few people who understand my condition and the havoc it's caused in my life. I'm grateful for time to study, research, reflect, and grow. Every challenge comes with an opportunity to overcome great adversity with thanksgiving and praise. And I am one that does not like to pass up on opportunities. So I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus. I give this over to God.

Dear Heavenly Father, I pray for peace, until Your will comes to pass. You are good. Your ways are good. You have planned for me an expected end. You will cause me to rise above on wings as an eagle. You will right the wrongs that have been done against me. You will cast down my enemies. You will give me rest. I declare that my life will be a testament of Your love and forgiveness. Thank You for Your goodness and mercy! Thank You that Your mercy is new every day, despite my sinful nature, You are showering me with Your love. Thank You that you can give me the strength to forgive. Thank You that You exchange my anger for grace even though my anger is justified. Thank You for sending Your healing power to touch me and make me whole again. Thank You for causing me to prosper. Thank You for joy in a time of great sorrow. Thank You for keeping my family safe and for bringing us good news. Thank You for constantly keeping the Devil at bay and protecting me from temptation to wander from You and doubt Your power and willingness to free me from this situation. Thank You for allowing me the faculties to know what I know and for the motivation to do what I do. Thank You for sending Your Holy Spirit to break my heart for You. I love you, Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Redemption

Waking up in the morn feelin' like a newbie.
Saving grace caught me up now it has me snoozing.
Yesterday was hard but now today is so brand new and
I cannot say enough how grateful I am to Him.
Thank you, Jesus, living, breathing, loving is a blessing
Take these hands and feet I'm saying use 'em as a blessing
Compromising leads to sin, I'm not the exception
Lead me on the path of righteousness and redemption.