Unwell

This bout of depression brings about many sad days. Sometimes, I think I've found the trigger. Other times, I feel like I have no idea what I'm dealing with... when the depression is so overwhelming and my thoughts become so unlike "me." The thoughts can be so overwhelming that it takes over my entire day. The medicine doesn't seem to help. But then, maybe it's the cause?

In the past, when I was on meds back in 2004 and 2005, I used to get suicidal and I even had several attempts. I think the mood stabilizer is doing it's job and perhaps I'm just not used to the lack of ups and downs which has been the norm for me throughout my entire life. It is hard to adjust and maybe that's what is causing me to feel depressed so often... the lack of the mania, the high, that tricked me for so long into believing I was actually happy. Is it possible?

I just hope that it ends soon because it is taking its toll on me and I have no enjoyment and certainly no passion or drive. I cannot adjust, I refuse to adjust to THIS version of me. This is not what I want for my life. I DO want to level out my moods and get better sleep, not be so afraid all of the time, to lessen the anxiety and panic attacks... but I do NOT want to sacrifice a mere sense of happiness and my overall feeling of well-being. After all, as I've said before, if you don't FEEL well, you're simply NOT well.