This doesn't make sense to me

8 weeks ago, I was on top of the world.... very busy, but feeling quite satisfied with my life. Now in the nursing program, and doing well at it, in a thriving relationship, and having family support. I truly felt that even though my life wasn't where I wanted it to be just yet, I was fulfilled. I felt content, even happy.

Suddenly, without any signs or symptoms, I fell into a depressive episode. At first, I knew it wasn't as bad as it could get so I wanted to prevent it from getting any worse. I started reading some books about recovery and even the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) and considered putting one of my own together "just in case" things got worse. Of course, after realizing how much work that would be on top of my studying and other obligations, I set that idea aside for another time... regrettably so.

Today, I find myself 8 weeks into a deeper depression than I've experienced in YEARS. My daily struggles differ... some days I struggle to just get out of bed, other days I manage to do that but can't go out in public because I'm too weepy. I cry at almost anything. There is plenty going on in the news to make me tear up and cry when my own thoughts aren't horrible enough. But the majority of the time I cry, it's because I hate the thoughts that come into my mind. Thoughts of dying, not having to live through this depression. I cry because as much as I want my life to end, I know that this feeling will eventually go away - or at least I hope it will - and I just need to hang on until the tide changes... but it's so painful, it's like torture to me to continue living through this.

I realize that very few can identify with this phenomenon. I have everything I wanted 1 year ago today. I'm preparing for my upcoming wedding to the man of my dreams, who deserves to be honored for his support during my weakest times such as these. I completed the first 1/4 of my nursing education and am only 1 and 1/2 years away from a new career. I don't - off the top of my head - think of anything that could have triggered this depression for me. I am confounded and even a little angry. Why me? I know all the tricks and I help other people get through their depression, I teach other people coping mechanisms - that I do employ myself - so this should be easy for me. If I cannot think my way out of it, what hope is there for me?

And that's it. I guess I feel hopeless. Will it end? Will I go back to being myself eventually? I guess I've had longer depressive episodes before, lasting months... but I don't want that to happen now. I can't imagine starting back up at school in January and having to deal with these feelings while trying to attend school full-time... in my mental health rotation, of all things. How am I going to learn to help others with mental illness as a nurse if I go into my education in that arena having a mental health crisis of my own?

I worry a lot. I find myself having panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking up in a confused, depressed state. I cry.... a lot. And I don't want anyone to see that. Because it's not who I normally am. I think about death and dying all the time. I want to die... all the time. The only excuse I can find to keep suffering through and holding on for the mood change is that I have a beautiful 10-year-old boy who would be left without a mother if I were dead. Sometimes I think the other reason I have to hold on is because I make that last statement known to other people... like some form of accountability comes from voicing my feeling of wanting to die. I do share my thoughts with others and I have to commend the few people who - in one way or another - reached out to me because they KNOW I'm not myself right now. I keep trying new things to change my situation. I haven't given up... yet.

I cry... and I cry... and I cry. It feels like an endless hell and nobody can feel it but me. What hurts the most is that I can't find a reason why I feel this way. There is no reason. I keep telling people that... if there was a reason, I could probably fix this and feel better. But there is no reason... I can't fix it... I'm just literally WAITING until it passes. And I'm growing SO TIRED of waiting. Sometimes it seems like that's all I ever do in life... wait. I'm not a very patient person but I think I've proven myself otherwise with how much I've waited for what I wanted in the past. It took over 3 years to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with the love of my life. That's a long time. Some people can't wait an hour... I had to wait more than 3 years!! And even though we are engaged to be married, it will be over a year before we live under the same roof. I feel like I'm going to go crazy before it finally happens. I worry about the wedding, about school, about where we will live, finding a job when I graduate... and so many other day-to-day things. I keep telling myself... these are just thoughts and a thought can be changed.

I really believed that talking about it would make me feel better. After all, that's why I finally convinced myself to blog about it. I think it keeps me real to any readers out there. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after all, so I'm expected to have these undulations of mood. I've been blessed so far in the last 3 years with having mostly manic episodes which are productive, mostly happy, and VERY APPEALING compared to THIS, whatever this is that I'm experiencing now.

Christmas is less than 5 days away. Usually, my mood starts to suffer in mid-November and the depression peaks for me around Valentine's day then starts to pick-up around St. Patrick's day. And even though depression is a norm for me this time of year, it's far worse this year than the last three. I'm not saying that it's the worst it could be, but it's the worst I've experienced in a while... and I really thought (like a fool) that it was because I was managing my moods the best I ever have since being diagnosed. I just don't get it... But I guess there are counselors and psychiatrists who also get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Depression. I suppose I'm not the only person who thrived at life and then suddenly experienced a crisis.

I know life isn't fair and all of the other cute little anecdotes that people tell you to cheer you up when you're feeling down... but to tell you the truth, I really hate those cutesy little quotes. When people say those things, no matter how well-meaning they are - all I hear is "I can't possibly fathom how bad you feel right now but this is the best I can come up with." It's a waste of words, I guess. It doesn't make me feel any better... sometimes it makes me feel worse. I'd rather someone be really REAL with me and speak the truth. Maybe one day someone will surprise me and say "I have no idea what it's like for you right now, so there probably isn't much I can do to make you feel better." Instead of just thinking that and using it as a cop-out to just do nothing for me in my time of need.

I have so many thoughts that I cannot even blog about them all tonight. I'm just so weary... if you're reading this and you're a praying person, please pray for me. I do believe in prayers. I think it's the best thing anyone can do for me right now, because I can't even make sense of anything at this point. And if you do pray for me, please know that I'm not in a place to be thinking straight and I might not show my appreciation the way you want me to, but I DO appreciate you.