The effects of trauma on brain development and what you can do to reverse the damage!

Recently, I presented this information to the members of the DBSA IL Valley support group regarding trauma and how it stunts development of neuronal networks and rewires the activity of the brain - hardwiring us for a chronic physical cycle of the stress response. I will share some of that info with my blog-readers as well.

Disclaimer: None of this research is my own - I have just compiled some information that I have read and taken an interest in for the last couple of years!

For a basic introduction, please watch the video below. It is less than 5 minutes long:




It is more important than ever to diagnose and treat depression proactively because it can been summarized (and is scientifically proven) that "helplessness" causes our brains to chemically react and trigger a survival instinct - "fight or flight" response - and when experienced chronically, will change our long-term brain chemistry and function. According to Dr. Bremner, "Brain areas implicated in the stress response include the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. Traumatic stress can be associated with lasting changes in these brain areas. Traumatic stress is associated with increased cortisol and norepinephrine responses to subsequent stressors. Antidepressants have effects on the hippocampus that counteract the effects of stress... Antidepressant treatments have been shown to block the effects of stress and/or promote neurogenesis" (Traumatic stress: effects on the brain, National Center for Biotechnology Information 2006). For a more elaborate explanation of the stress/helplessness response, please view the video below. It is about 15 minutes long:




The hippocampus (memory center) and amygdala (fear center) - 2 parts of the limbic system in the brain - play large roles in the stress response. Hormones called glucocorticoids are responsible for shrinking the hippocampus. When the hippocampus shrinks, it makes learning very challenging and somewhat impossible. Memories developed during this period of hippocampus inactivity are only stored short-term and elicit a strong emotional response upon recall. Normally, the hippocampus and amygdala work in syncrhony, producing effective long-term memories. When one of these is not functioning appropriately, the other is jump-started into a hyper-reactive state. For example, the shrunken hippocampus triggers the amygdala (fear center) to become over-reactive to stimuli (subconscious feeling of being threatened), firing excessively (survival mode), initiating/perpetuating the stress response.

One glucocorticoid, Cortisol, known as the "stress hormone," is released by the adrenal gland (which sits on top of the kidneys much like a hat). The release of cortisol is maintained by the HPA-axis (hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis), marking the beginning of a vicious feedback cycle that we call the "stress response." In essence, the hypothalamus tells the adrenal gland when to secrete cortisol and when it is released, it raises blood sugar levels, weakens the immune system, halts digestion but increases gastric acid formation, results in water retention, prevents access to previously stored memories, increases blood pressure, causes a spike in adrenaline, and shuts down the reproductive system... among many other things! These responses coupled with changes in neurotransmitter levels, blood chemistry, and pH levels perpetuate the stress response further with the additional release of cortisol and the production of epinephrine and adrenaline.

Why is the stress response important in regards to trauma?

Chronic stress alters brain chemistry and "prunes" neuronal pathways in the brain, resulting in memory loss, inability to attain proper brain function, and emotional dysregulation as well as the loss of executive functions. An adult with a history of trauma may be unable to attain emotional intelligence, have behavioral problems, respond inappropriately to social cues, exhibit learning difficulties, present with signs and symptoms of ADHD, and have difficulty building and/or maintaining relationships. As more research becomes available, perhaps doctors will forego diagnosing individuals with a myriad of mental illnesses and begin to treat the initial trauma that caused the cascade of brain dysfunction. Even now, researchers are coining the term "brain disorder" as an alternative to "mental illness." They have come to realize that many characteristics of mental illness arise from pathology related to experienced trauma (or "helplessness") as opposed to genetic predispositions at birth. This is a HUGE move forward in the mental health realm!


RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

While no one form of therapy works for all individuals, there are a few that have shown great promise in the healing of trauma. One we discussed at the group meeting is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), developed by Francine Shapiro, which addresses the unresolved traumatic memories of events. Many people who suffer from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) avoid any recollection of traumatic events and further avoid anything that is known to trigger a flashback of such events and/or memories. In contrast, EMDR requires an individual to recall these painful memories while being stimulated visually with rapid eye movements, usually in a back and forth motion. This eye movement elicits a response in the optic nerve, and the individual is then asked to elicit a positive memory or thought. As the eyes move laterally, this movement activates the hippocampus, allowing memories to be "overwritten" in a sense, gradually de-intensifying the negative memory and replacing it with a stronger, positive one.

EMDR is known to be helpful for individuals living with PTSD, eating disorders, addictions, panic attacks, anxiety, and severe depression. Read here for more information about EMDR or click here to find an EMDR-trained therapist near you.

Mindfulness has also been found extremely helpful when dealing with trauma. Read my blog post about mindfulness here.

Manic Episodes & Guilt

It's hard to describe mania to someone who's never experienced it, let alone anything like it. But I will try...

My mania starts out as a tingling sensation deep down, an intuitive sense that everything in the universe is aligned perfectly for me, there is no need to doubt my ability and talents. I fearlessly plan a future full of goals to achieve. I become so zealous that I can't find enough things to do with my time... to keep my mind occupied. And slowly, maybe within a day up to a week, the overconfidence generates a vigor - a desire to strive for endless accomplishment - an incredible drive that you hope & pray leads you to enlightenment, your zenith.

At this point, I feel my best! Flying high... lofty goals, mapping out my dreams... and fully believing that I can accomplish any of the things I set out to do.

Then the body starts to overcompensate. I get a rush of adrenaline at random times throughout the day. I become hypersensitive, super alert to my surroundings, to noises, to events. It starts getting hard to concentrate. I lose focus, no matter how hard I try to meditate and clear my mind. Reading, even the most interesting of subject, becomes nearly impossible. Eyes bouncing all over the page, darting across the room at the slightest hint of activity. Unable to direct my attention to any particular task, I devise a plan of attack - to avoid places, people, things that overstimulate my senses. It can work at times, but only short-term.

Irritability is at an all-time high. I can go from 0-60 in 1.5 seconds! Saying the wrong word to me, or breathing in a loud manner, could set me off. And God forbid that things don't go my way today... because LOOK OUT!!! I'm no longer in control of my reactions. I am imprisoned in the capsule of my body, watching as a spectator all of the things that come to pass. I feel embarrassed by my harsh words, my quick judgment. I am mortified by my openness and vulgarity. I am humiliated by my crudeness. And the thought that in the near future I'd have to apologize for all of these things and make amends - that part really sucks. I want to sob, I want to plead for forgiveness. I want someone to notice that I'm not in control. I want someone to tell me that it's okay, that I'm going to be okay, that I'm safe. But nobody can see me crumbling on the inside... my desperate cries never reach the outside. I'm trapped in a bipolar manic spin and I can't get out...

All I can do is ride out the episode. And when it winds down, nearing the end... damage control. The problem is that I can't take back any words that are said. I can't fix all of the problems I create. I can't simply get back a job I quit in a manic frenzy or rebuild a friendship that I've torn to pieces in the previous few hours or days. Like a hurricane, the manic episode has ripped my world apart. It's going to take some time to rebuild, to re-up. And each time I experience another manic episode, the stakes get higher, the damage is more devastating, and the resulting losses increase.

What I wouldn't give to be able to put a stop to these episodes altogether! If only people could understand it from my point of view, they might be a little less judging. They might be a little more compassionate. They might not hold a grudge against me for something that was done in a psychotic rage. But we are all humans and we humans have feelings. Unfortunately for me, emotions are sometimes the hardest things to recover after a manic episode. People often forget what you said and did, but they rarely forget how you've made them feel.

To my readers with a family member or friend with bipolar disorder, I beg you to be kind, comforting, and even forgiving. I'm not making excuses for bad social etiquette or unruly behavior or crime. I'm merely pleading with you to take a humanistic perspective and realize that there is someone on the inside dying to be released. If your loved one trusts you, perhaps they will open up to you and tell you how they feel so you can avoid catastrophe. But that trust will never be grown if you judge, ridicule, belittle, or remind your loved one of the wrongs they've done against you.

The hardest thing about rebuilding after a manic episode is forgiving yourself for all that has transpired. It has taken me YEARS to forgive myself for some of the past episodes, and I'm still working on it. The guilt is unimaginable, unbearable at times. And it's my guilt that marks the beginning of the steep downward spiral into the next depressive episode... every. damn. time.

Be Grateful, For Goodness Sake!

I recently posted this on my facebook page and I think it's worth posting in my blog, too.

If you feel the need to complain about how your life has turned out so far, take a look at the choices that brought you there. Nobody made those choices for you... and if you feel differently, continuing to blame someone for your position in life will only guarantee that you stay miserable. It is amazing how people continue to take their God-given blessings for granted, day in and day out.

My life is far from what I want it to be, but I don't want sympathy. I remain grateful for the things I have and the people who are a part of my life. Why must we humans act as if every hardship is the worst form of suffering fathomable to humankind? I, too, am sometimes guilty of feeling sorry for myself... especially lately. But when people complain to me, whose situations are far better off than my own, it seriously aggravates me. I'm learning to let go of disappointment, and that's what you should strive to do, too. You think you suffer? I can think of MILLIONS of people on this Earth who have it FAR worse off than you...

Don't complain to me if you want sympathy. Because if you do, I will tell you the same thing I tell myself when I start feeling pitiful... "keep making good choices and those hardships you're facing will turn into stepping stones that lead to a better future."

Blessings come in all shapes and forms. And I strongly believe that God rewards faithfulness and gratitude. The more thankful we are, the more we find that we have to be thankful for!

Even the most desolate person in the most dire situation still has something to be grateful for. LIFE is a gift! And as long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than there is wrong with you. What a miracle God has given us - this body that is so complex and works in such mysterious ways that even highly trained and knowledgeable scientists do not fully understand - even after thousands of years of research and experimentation!!

Celebrate what you have, who you are, and who stands by you today... because you might not get a tomorrow...

And for goodness sake, stop complaining to me about your "problems!!" Because I don't see them as problems, but rather as opportunities. I WILL pray for you, because I AM sorry that you don't see it the same way as I do. And that's all the response you're going to get from me for now on! Anything that doesn't add to my life positively is surely sucking the energy right out of me. And I'm putting a stop to it TODAY.

If you want prayers, I will gladly help out in that way...

Thanks and have a grateful day!!!!!!

Wedded Bliss

I've been told my wedding was magical, perfect, romantic, well-planned. But knowing how stressed out I was and how many things went wrong on the week leading up to the wedding and the very day of the wedding, I always feel the need to argue that it wasn't as magical as they think. Regardless, the fact of the matter is, my wedding day will be a day that I remember forever. And the pictures didn't capture the stress and exhaustion I was feeling (see below) - which is a good thing.



The truth is, I could list all of the things that went wrong... or I can tell you all of the wonderful things that happened and how much I enjoy being newly married even with my husband over 1,000 miles away...

I choose to focus on the positive!

I got to meet several of my husband's friends from overseas. This was an enriching experience for me, because I have not been able to meet his family yet. To meet people who shared his culture and heritage meant a lot to me - to have them at our wedding meant even more! I felt so blessed that they traveled from all corners of the world to be with us on our special day.

My yellow tulips turned out so beautifully. I chose yellow tulips randomly one day about 6 months before the wedding... it just came to me out of the blue without reason. When I started to look around for the flowers, I was told they were out of season and weren't able to be ordered for the wedding. This caused me to look up the meaning behind yellow tulips so I could find another flower that was equally stunning. Yellow tulips mean "hopelessly in love" or "perfect love" and after finding that out, I simply HAD TO HAVE the yellow tulips! Nothing would stop me... I finally located them, had to order them through a Peoria Kroger whose wholesaler could get them at a higher cost. I googled Do-It-Yourself tutorials about how to wrap fresh flower bouquet handles and bought all of the supplies. I managed to wrap my own bouquet, my made of honor's bouquet, and 3 boutonnieres for the groom, best man, and ring bearer in the 45 minutes before my hair & makeup appointment on the day of the wedding! I was so proud of my beautiful bouquet and wish I could have frozen it in time and preserved them a lot longer.



A few of my guests told me that the most precious thing that they witnessed during the ceremony (other than our self-written vows) was the elated look on my son's face as he watched his mom marry the man of her dreams. He was ecstatic, beaming! He has been asking us for over a year when we would get married. When he found out we were going to be married, he couldn't wait for the day to arrive. I couldn't see the look on his face, but from what my guests tell me, he was extremely happy. This tickles me to death!



And one of the greatest blessings of all was how many family members, friends, and support group members showed up to help with the set-up and decorations for the wedding and reception. I had a lot on my plate to worry about without having to decorate... they really took a lot of the stress off of me by helping out and I cannot express my gratitude enough! I am amazed at how willing my supportive people were to help out so that I didn't have a "bipolar moment" on my big day. Even though I made it through most of the day - even the ceremony - without being a nervous wreck, I did have a few brief moments of an unpleasant mood while taking pictures. It was raining cats and dogs, I was drenched and freezing cold, and my dress was so muddy that we had to cut the bottom out of pictures so you couldn't see how dirty it had gotten! To top it all off, everyone was shivering cold and wet, and wanted to get pictures over with. My new husband was losing patience and wanted to get back to gisting with his friends. Meanwhile, the pictures are what mattered A LOT to me. I'm all about making memories and photographing them! So, I didn't take too well to my husband's half-hearted smiles and slouching poses. As you can see in some of our preliminary pictures, they didn't turn out too shabby. And you can't even tell that it was pouring down rain!


By the end of the night, I had forgotten about the stress and given in to enjoying my wedding. I was ready to kick back and relax with my new husband for a few hours before he had to leave for California in the early morning. I'm not entirely happy that we can't be together this summer... but I'm learning to cope. I'm keeping myself extra busy and I'm working my butt off trying to earn a little extra money so we can go to Disneyland for our honeymoon in the end of July. This princess desperately wants to go to Disneyland!!! Our day may have started off with a lot of hustle and bustle, sweat and tears; but it ended with a beautiful, clear sky and this wonderful picture that perfectly displays our "magical" relationship.

My 2 Cents

Recently, I took part in a DBSA focus group. They are trying to collaborate about how to improve the future for treatment of mental health and educational materials about mood disorders. Here are 2 of the questions they posed to participants and what my reactions were:


What do you wish your family/support system knew?

Experiencing mania is sometimes terrifying, even though it doesn’t show on my outward appearance. I feel like I’ve lost all control of my mind at times, and I need for people to recognize that the way to get through to me IS NOT by approaching me with a controlling, “do-what-I-tell-you-to-do” attitude. I need someone to tell me that I’m safe and that nothing bad is going to happen to me, or to at least make me feel safe. At that point, I may begin to be able to talk about the storm that’s happening in my brain.


What does your support system need in order to help you when you’re starting to feel either depressed or manic?

They absolutely need to be patient, kind, and non-judgmental. Asking me WHY I feel the way I do is counterproductive. It doesn’t matter WHY I’m feeling depressed or WHAT caused my mania. The fact remains: I’m depressed/manic. The key to moving forward is HOW we’re going to deal with it, NOT what caused it. Experiencing these episodes is expected, predictable even. It is inevitable and usually not avoidable. I think it’s high time that people in my life realize this fact rather than trying to encourage me endlessly to fight against it, as if I can stop it from coming with the mere knowledge of it’s existence. If it were that easy, I would have been bipolar free for years!


What are YOUR thoughts? Leave me a comment if you care to share...

Observing the Self

One thing I've learned in the past 6 months is to observe myself more frequently and more consciously.

The process of observation involves more than merely taking notice. Once brought to your awareness, reflection and analysis come into play. It sounds easy... and quite alright, it's no difficult feat. But sometimes, this process can (gently) force you to face your fears, admit your thinking errors, shed light on your secrets, and even challenge your goals. I've listed some tips below for observing the self:


OBSERVING THE SELF

You can do this process ANYWHERE, ANYTIME but you may choose to do it where/when you know that you won't be interrupted so you do not lose your train of thought.

Find a comfortable position.

You may keep your eyes open, but it will help you remain focused if you close your eyes.

Take a deep breath, inhaling through your nostrils only, exhaling through your mouth.

Starting at your head, take notice of how its positioned. Does it cause you any discomfort? Is it tilted to one side? Forwards? Or back?

Notice any tension that may be in your neck and shoulders. Try to relax your muscles so that your shoulders will move downward into a more relaxed position.

Continue with this scan for each muscle group and body part. Your arms, your chest & abdomen, your legs, your hands & feet.

Just take notice of any tension and consciously relax as you go.

Now let your brain do all the work... think about how you've been feeling today. You might want to focus on a smaller time frame, perhaps the last hour or half hour.

Identify your emotions, give them a name. Such as anger, sadness, joy, fear, frustration, anxious, etc.

Ask yourself "How did my body react when I felt this way?" and recall the tension you relieved just a few moments ago.

Think about the cause of the emotion. Why were you feeling that way? What happened?

Do you find that you reacted to a situation? If so, ask yourself "What specifically about the situation made me feel this way?"

Now it's time to troubleshoot... think about the ideal situation... what reaction would be healthier for you?

At this point, if your emotion was negative, you may be feeling disappointed in your reaction. Remember that you are in control of your choices, you choose how to react, how to feel.

Allow yourself to be still, forgive yourself for any disappointments, or resonate with the positive emotion you experienced.

Take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nostrils, exhaling through your mouth. In come new opportunities, out go the past experiences. In comes positivity, out goes negativity. In comes hope, out goes frustration.

When you're ready, go change the world...



Does it surprise you that observing the self (the method I described above) is nothing more than a self-accomplished body scan/meditation/problem-solving event? Practices like these bolster mindfulness - conscious awareness of your sensations, thoughts, emotions, and reactions. Practicing mindfulness has been scientifically proven to improve the way your brain functions. Biologically, it increases the number of neural pathways in the brain and can even create NEW pathways. This helps you think more clearly, generally speaking. It works by stimulating a part of your brain that connects both sides - the left & right hemispheres - allowing you to process emotions logically and make sense of your experiences. Practicing mindfulness, along with other relaxation techniques and cognitive therapies, also improves your brain's ability to produce certain neurotransmitters, putting you at a lower risk of developing brain disorders such as bipolar disorder, depression, and schizophrenia.

Putting it to work...

There are many things I've learned about myself by using this method. Lately, I've been getting extremely angry. There is always a trigger, and it's easily identified. However, I do not like that my response to these triggers is such violent anger. Over time, I've become very aware of my emotions and at the point I begin feeling this anger, I'm able to observe it before reacting to it. I'm not successful EVERY time, but 9 times out of 10, when I feel angry, I'm able to diffuse it quickly with healthy means. On the occasion that I'm NOT successful, I forgive myself and take appropriate actions as well as reflecting upon how the situation could be better handled.

One example, which tends to be how I lose my temper most of the time, is when dealing with my child. Communication can be extremely difficult with those that are close. I find it far easier to deal with strangers than with my own family. At least, it's easier to control my emotions when dealing with strangers...

My son has a mild mental retardation. He appears mostly normal, he is quite a bit behind his age group in the academic arena, but he is still able to do more than originally expected at this point. I was told, rather bluntly, not to expect him to "catch up" to the rest of the children his age. In other words, this is a permanent disability. Regardless of his issues, I love my son. I am very supportive of him and do all that I can to help him learn new skills and reinforce good behavior. About 2 years back, he started to behave in a strange manner. He was frequently misbehaving and disobeying, which sent me into a tizzy. It seemed like he responded only to yelling and negative attention, never my attempts to answer him quietly and calmly. When he behaved well and I rewarded him, that's when he would act out - almost as a means of rejecting the reward.

One time, after several days of good behavior, I asked him what he'd like to do as a reward... his choice was going to the movies. On the way to the theater, and without any known trigger, he started to cry and lean against the door of the car. He wouldn't tell me what was bothering him and he just kept on. When I tried to talk to him, he would hit me. At one point, he even tried to bite me. When we got to the theater, he wouldn't get out of the car. I was heartbroken that he was behaving this way. I was excited to be spending time with him and going to the movies - the very thing he chose to do. I was baffled.

To my horror, outbursts like this - and even worse - happened in many public places.

He has been in counseling for the past year and a half now. He has learned a few coping skills over that time. Considering that I have issues dealing with my own emotions, it is extremely difficult to deal with his explosions and outbursts, especially because he does them in public places! I'm not talking your typical bad behavior... it is out of the ordinary behavior... but thank God, it has mostly resolved. He and I do communicate better now. I think we could do even better if I were able to control my temper a little more.

For some reason, when it comes to him, it infuriates me when he has these tantrums. I try to logically work through my feelings about the situation... and I tell myself that it's not his fault, he has a disability, maybe he doesn't understand his behaviors, maybe there are things at work that I don't even know about. It really challenges me, as a parent, to go through these kinds of experiences. I have to remind myself to be a good example (which isn't easy!), at the same time, I am so blown away by the ridiculous, unwarranted behavior. Even the simplest thing can trigger this reaction from him, so how can I logically avoid it? It's disheartening.

Now, when it does happen and he refuses to let up, I find myself going over the top. It hurts... it hurts both of us. I find myself yelling. I hate it when I hear myself yelling! When everything finally settles down, I always apologize for losing my temper. But God knows, I'd rather prevent it from happening altogether. I only pray I get better at handling his outbursts.

In the meantime, observing the self helps me to think through what I could have said, what I can say next time, and plan out some strategies to handle him better in the future. It takes a lot of energy to deal with these issues, but I know that my work has paid off. Last week, I realized that he has one tantrum every weekend - just one. That's an improvement from 2 years ago! And the way I deal with the tantrums has changed, too. There are many times I'm able to catch it before it turns into a full-blown outburst.

Now to work on handling them appropriately 10 times out of 10... God help me! I'm working on slowing down my reaction time, in general, and taking time to think through the ways people would possibly respond to my choice of words. I think this is a natural part of maturing, a natural part of parenting. But for me, I feel it is extra-challenging. There are so many intricacies to take into consideration.

Nothing adequately prepares you for a life with bipolar disorder, but DEFINITELY, nothing adequately prepares you to be a good parent with bipolar disorder. It is hard... but I love my son too much to stop working at it.

The Worst Part

The worst part about having a mental illness is the fact that no matter how much I read about my illness, learn about it, it still does not make me immune to it. I wish that having the knowledge meant it would no longer plague my life.

Of course, you learn strategies and skills that help you deal with it better and, in the very least, help you understand some of the "why" questions... over time, your relapses seem to last for shorter periods of time and they are stretched farther apart. But there will always be a part of me that longs for a life free of these issues. I wish I never had to face another relapse. I wish I didn't have to work so hard at just living, staying alive, every single day.

IT. IS. EXHAUSTING!

And it's rather insulting that - after years of dealing with these illnesses and their complications... after having struggled with accepting my own diagnosis and need for help... after having gone through denial, shame, and self-forgiveness - people insinuate that I was misdiagnosed. It threatens to raise a lot of self-doubt that I have already laid to rest. It comes like a slap on the face and rouses my defensive resources. Now that I've become an "expert" in my own illness, you think I'm faking it? That I just want to be depressed or manic all the time? What do I have to gain from that??!

Many people (upon finding out I have bipolar disorder) make similar statements: "I would never guess someone like you could have bipolar disorder" or "You don't come across as being bipolar" or "You seem to be functioning too well to be mentally ill."

These comments make you feel desperate to prove you're genuinely sick because you want nothing more than to be understood. If people could (first) understand that I have these issues and then appreciate the effort I put forth to go on with my life, perhaps they could set aside their judgmentalism and be a little more gentle with me. I guess that's asking a lot, seeing as our society doesn't reward gentleness anymore.

So, in the process of trying to let people see this vulnerable side of me, it sets me up for judgment and sometimes gives people a totally different impression of me. I've been thinking about it for awhile now... I haven't decided yet... I struggle with these contradictions... Do I continue to share the deepest, darkest parts of me to possibly help another? Or do I hide it to save myself from others' judgments?

I've written about a lot of personal things in my blog, but there is SO MUCH MORE that I keep private because I'm just not sure I can deal with the consequences. It's a shame, too, because this blog is therapy for me. In order to process thoughts and ideas or deal with issues in my life, I need to be free to work through them without the fear of criticism and judgment. I've questioned using a public blog for such things... in the end, my hope lies in not just working through my own issues, but helping others who identify with similar issues. Plus, everyone wants to be heard. It's not a crime. And I won't apologize for being human.

Self-reflection and blogging: helpful recovery tools

I've wanted to blog the last few days but have been unable to isolate a topic I'd like to blog about. I thought perhaps I could talk about the ideas I'm reading about in 2 books. Right now, my mind is consumed with these ideas to the point that I feel overwhelmed... I can feel my brain swell and pulse as I get more into the books.

#1 - I'm reading a book I got as a gift from my sister, Michelle, called "How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth" - click on the image below to buy a copy!

To be honest, the book frustrates me because it talks at great length about the fact that people can/do grow physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually but I haven't reached the part where it talks about HOW as of yet. I find it somewhat contradicting at times. Ever since I began studying psychology, I've always taken on the experiential model and I find it hard to relate to the case studies used in the book to illuminate the author's ideas. For example, one co-author, Henry Cloud, states in the book that one should live up to expectations of another but that for another to have these expectations is controlling (and wrong). Contradicting ideals. I find it hard to read because of things like this, even though most of it appears to cover topics I've already studied in-depth from other sources - just from a Christian perspective. I do find it interesting to read from a Christian psychotherapist and compare with that of the other book I'm currently reading.


#2 - I'm reading one of my favorite authors and researchers, Daniel Siegel's "Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation" - click on the image below to buy a copy!

Dr. Siegel is a proponent of mindfulness-based therapies as primary treatment for mental illness. His revolutionary approach aims to help individuals strengthen their abilities, train their brains to focus attention, integrate brain functions across the hemispheres and in specialized cells throughout the body: a means of becoming a director of their thoughts, feelings, and internal life (mind) - to truly experience them all - rather than merely powerlessly succumbing to them and identifying each and every thought or feeling as a definition of who you are as an individual. Siegel explains how people suffering from mental illness experience a state of unintegrated brain functioning, resulting in dysregulation. The book also gives examples of how to hone skills that allow integration and incorporates case studies that make sense and offer a clarifying view of his life's work and passion.

I constantly find myself identifying with his nostalgic retelling of Medical School and his dissatisfaction with the way medicine was practiced (and taught) 25 years ago - without the recognition that health encompasses the wellness of the mind in an intricate collaboration with the body and that brain functioning determines the fitness of both. My hope - and what led to me this book in the first place - is that mindfulness-based awareness practices will be more heavily researched as a treatment for bipolar disorder (which he talks about in his book) as well as other affective/mood disorders so that there is scientific proof of what I, and other researchers such as Dr. Siegel, believe to be true: the healing power we all desperately need can be found within ourselves and can only be summoned using our own awareness that it (1) exists (2) exists within us and (3) must be practiced/controlled to bring us to good mental health.

I do use a lot of mindful practices in day-to-day life, some without realizing it. I will talk about a few of them in my blog (starting at the end of this entry) because I think you will find that they are things we all do at some point, and could benefit from practicing more often. I recommend reading this book, but be warned that it will make your head spin at times. There is a lot of terminology and sharing of medical science that reach far beyond the scope of the average lay-person (in my opinion). If you are enthralled with the human brain, you will LOVE it! If you find it hard to read, take it in small chunks. I've done a lot of reading about neuroscience and most of what I'm reading in this book is NOT new to me, yet I find it overwhelming at times. It's a lot of information to process...

I have another book, by Ronald Siegel, from which I've used excerpts to offer recovery tools/skills to my support group on occasion. I do intend to read it from cover-to-cover when I finish with Mindsight if I have enough time left on winter break (from school). It talks more in-depth about how to practice mindfulness and self-awareness and is more of a self-help how-to book than a non-fiction explanation of research findings (like Mindsight). Click below to buy a copy!

One mindfulness skill I've acquired and practiced over time (without knowing it) is self-reflection: reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, life. The thing I find most challenging, though, is to reflect upon them without judgment, without thinking about all of the "shoulds" and wondering what if... Blogging is a means of practicing self-reflection. Many people think of blogs as a way of communicating with others, but I use my blog as a means of communicating, more so, with myself.

I've always been the type to use a journal. I used to write songs and poetry about my feelings and experiences. As I grew older, I shifted to keeping such things more private and tucked away somewhere that nobody would find them or have a reason to look at them, including myself. But as I started to earnestly seek recovery (6 years ago), I started to journal more honestly and openly. And then an amazing thing happened - one day, about 5 years ago, I started to read old journal entries - something out of the norm for me.

I discovered how much I changed, grew over time. I was able to decipher patterns in my moods and started to actually SEE the emotional ups and downs that are the hallmark of bipolar disorder. I began to understand that it wasn't just a diagnosis, it was real, and it was my reality to own up to. That discovery launched me deep into this quest to learn more about my illness and myself. I've had a lot of help along the way and, certainly, various sources of motivation to keep me going. Sometimes it was a fact I learned, a book I read, a blog I saw online, a professor, a classmate's comment, a family member's disbelief, a scientific study, a research paper, etc.

I found that nearly every 3 years my personality changed drastically. Approximately every 3 months, my overall outlook on life changed slowly from one extreme to the other (depression-to-mania). And then, in the last 2 years, I've had far more mixed episodes (long-lasting, too!) than both mania AND depression. I've been told that it is quite unlike a person with bipolar disorder to be able to discern these things. Some even question my diagnosis, as if it was something I wanted for myself - a crutch to lean on, a means of escaping reality. I simply have to laugh, it's the only way I've found it possible to cope with those ignorant comments.

My most recent fascination (as seen in my 2012 blog posts) is based on some of my traumatic past experiences (sexual abuse) and how they have affected my road to recovery, each and every step of the way. I've been diligently seeking for a way to overcome the past hurts and failures, some of which were self-inflicted, to develop into a better person, a brighter future. Being a Freudian, I try to dissect myself and my thoughts/emotions, especially regarding the abuse.

This is why blogging is helpful in my recovery. It is a form of self-psychotherapy, if you will. One that requires postformal thought and meta-cognition - both of which I was incapable of doing up until the last 5 or so years. Considering that I am almost 30 years old and do not have a developmental delay, this is a little surprising to me. (I experienced adolescent-like situations well into my early 20's) I have derived that bipolar disorder, at any age, stunts personal growth & development much like the hormonal rush of puberty encumbers and befuddles the adolescent's quest for personal identity. Therefore, blogging and dissecting my past blog-posts is a self-reflective recovery tool that helps me make sense of my moods, thoughts, reactions, and feelings.

I encourage you to consider journaling for stress relief or self-reflective reasons. There is nothing wrong with journaling just for the sake of getting those thoughts, feelings, emotions OUT and onto paper... it's healthy! Keep in mind that blogging (while it is excessively convenient) is a little more invasive because, after all, it can be read by nearly anyone with internet access. As a leader of a support group, I don't mind sharing my experiences - I do it daily - which is another recovery tool in my box. I hope that something you read in this post has been of help to you.