At the bottom of this post I have lists of links to internet resources about various mental illnesses and the comorbidity of certain disorders.
Keep in mind that the enigmatic web of overlapping symptoms and co-occurring disorders is the very thing that makes accurate diagnostics extremely difficult for professionals. The next time you think a psychologist is getting paid too much to do his/her job, think again! (pun intended)
Symptomatology is a difficult, if not impossible, art to master.
To derive, decipher, and demystify...
It requires an in-depth examination of a WHOLE person, including their life history FROM CONCEPTION. (As a side note: Research now indicates that exposure to stress hormones in the womb DO significantly influence a child's risk of underdevelopment of cognitive functioning including developmental delays, emotion-regulating deficits, and/or affective disorders well into adulthood; prenatal exposure to gluco-corticoids are a key, predisposing factor in regards to pediatric mood disorders.) It can take YEARS... or even an entire lifetime... for any one psychologist to gather enough information about you to make an informed, concrete diagnosis. The intricacy of symptomatology is, in my opinion, the primary reason that being a diagnostician in today's society sucks... it has got to be the most miserable career EVER! House makes it look so easy... (tsk, tsk)
The age-old quest for information regarding evolution (or its non-existence) impede upon our ability to sift through the physiological manifestation of miniscule incongruencies whose discoveries are so desperately necessary to successfully treat any specific disorder. The Nature vs. Nurture debate continues on a more modern stage - a conglomerate of behaviorism, intelligence, psychosocialism, sociocultural conditioning, operant-driven humanism, and archetypical psychoanalysis - founded in the work of great psychologists such as B.F. Skinner, Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Erik Erikson, Alfred Adler, Carl Rogers, Albert Bandura, John Watson, Karen Horney, Jean Piaget, Lawrence Kohlberg, and Abraham Maslow.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave...
I recommend that if you desire to read up about these disorders that you seriously avoid self-diagnosis. Trust me, it happens... more than any individual cares to admit. But, since psychology IS the study of the self - and who better to do it than us - it IS a predictable behavior... one that unfortunately leads to places one does not want to go... BEWARE!
Upon researching these various illnesses, it is quite easy to see how one can feed into another. When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I started surfing the web to find some answers... what IS BPD? I found this wonderful website (BPD Central) with stories from other people diagnosed with BPD and found their testimonials to be eerily similar to my own. I wanted to know WHY I had so much trouble with relationships... WHY, WHY, WHY couldn't I just decide to be better and then BE better? The question never ends, it is something that happens daily in my life, even to this very day. It can feel all-consuming at times, but I've learned some coping skills to help manage the consequences of BPD.
As I began to understand how misunderstood I have always been, and how grossly I misunderstood my situation as being induced by a mental illness, I also poked into information about Bipolar Disorder I - my primary diagnosis. I took note of what my diagnostician told me - that early sexual abuse was predominantly the cause of the BPD and considering my attachment problems, abandonment issues, and intimacy difficulties, it was VERY indicative of sexual abuse as a child. I started to realize a pattern developing across my diagnoses... eating disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, borderline personality disorder... all can be caused by early sexual abuse.
I have mentioned in previous blog posts about how I had repressed the memory of this abuse to the point that I had convinced myself it never happened. I disagreed with my counselors repeatedly, denying that sexual abuse as a child ever took place. I really believed that was the truth. I continued to search for answers and my journey got tougher. Forced to face the reality of my impulsive decisions and feeling as if I had no reliable person to turn to for guidance or help, I walked a path of self-loathing, hatred, bitterness, resentment, guilt, internal pain & suffering, a deep depression, and an intrinsic tendency to feel like I would never be good enough. I felt completely hopeless, in a state of utter despair. My lack of self-esteem and poor body image caused me to participate in self-mutilating behaviors, self-medication with periodic binge-drinking that led to high-risk sexual activities. I was once drugged and gang raped... I doubt I will ever truly know how many men there were...
Even in a coherent state, my self-esteem was so low that I obliged ANY attention from the opposite gender. I did not enjoy it... but at the time, I tried to convince myself that it felt good because I so desperately wanted to feel good about myself. Women do these things... we want to feel good about ourselves, we motivate ourselves to get dolled up, go out to the club, and demand the special attention of any and/or every male we come across - bloat our ego a little bit - then we insist we are just out to have fun, end up going home with or being taken home by a man we've barely just met who says all the right things at all the right times (to be honest, they sometimes say all the WRONG things, but we dismiss it eagerly because we are only after what we want and we only see things that we think lead up to it), and then we degrade and defile ourselves for a night of clumsy, sweaty, somewhat nasty sex with someone that very well could be infecting us with HIV or another STD, we fall asleep, we wake up in the bed alone, never hear from the guy again, and feel ever worse about ourselves for having believed the guy when he said he wanted to date us... and we feel even WORSE about ourselves for having believed our own lie that we were "just out for a little fun." We loathe, loathe, and loathe some more... drink a little more, get a little more depressed, get the great idea of trying it again in search of momentary relief from our agonizing emotional pain... and the cycle perpetuates.........
You see, some males can be really good at being instinctively predatory. Not that some females can't - some females are more than capable and they practice it often - but some males have a special sense that females do not possess and that is their wonderfully horrible sensitivity to our emotional vulnerabilities. They know how we're feeling, they know that it means they have the upper hand, and they use it to their advantage to get what they want from us and then they leave us in an emotional heap for the next person to come along and "clean up."
The problem is... once that has happened to you, you don't care to trust anyone that comes after.
Now imagine that the first person that you have this experience with... is your very own father.
OUCH!
Big time burn. Men like to prey on our "daddy issues" because they ARE hard-wired to be fathers and hard-wired for sexual activity... but it is extremely dangerous - even life-threatening - for a woman with such vulnerabilities to get mixed up with a predatory man. It can literally leave your life hanging in the balance...
You develop these ideas about your body that aren't even close to the truth. "I'm too fat; I'm too skinny; I'm too short; I'm too tall; My eyes are too far apart; My nose is too big; My knees are too knobby; My ass is too flat; My hair isn't the right color; I have stretch marks on my breasts; My thighs are too flabby; I have too many freckles; My teeth are too crooked; My feet are too manly; My toes are too hairy; My nipples don't hang right; I can't walk like a model; I can't sing like a bird; I don't look like a porn star; I can't wear a bikini; I don't have good skin; etc." Now you change your social habits and places you frequent as a means of self-regulation of your insane ideals concerning your body image. If you don't go to places or hang around people that make you feel uncomfortable, then you shouldn't feel uncomfortable... right?! WRONG! If you have a problem with your own body, if you hate how you look or you're not happy with some physical feature... you are in for trouble because you can run away from others but you cannot run away from yourself. Every time you look in the mirror, you are painfully reminded of how dreadful you are... how unworthy you are... how you will never be good enough... how even if a GOOD MAN did desire to be with you because looks don't matter to him, he wouldn't want you for the fact that you've done horrible, nasty things with too many men - some of them complete strangers!
So, who do you think you end up having a relationship with? The guy that says the things that make him sound like a GOOD MAN, but does all the things that make him a BAD BOY. Most of the time, these relationships are codependent and/or abusive and cause further detriment to your already poor self-image. You lose your trust in him, or at least the tiny bit that you convinced yourself that you had in him, thus losing trust in all men to come in the future. The cycle continues...
Fathers really play a huge role in their child's life - especially their daughters. The way you "love" your daughter or show your daughter affection and care actually CONDITIONS HER at such a subconscious level that EVEN IF she has decided that you were a deadbeat and she doesn't want to marry a man that is anything like you, she is somewhat destined to be drawn to other low-lives... not because she is attracted to it, but because low-lives employ counter-intuitive tactics and make sure they arrive packaged in a divine disguise that perfectly implements their plan to dupe her indefinitely.
Divine Disguise Elaboration: Bad boys come bearing flashy gifts that make them look generous and self-less, a grand sense of self-confidence that borders on cockiness, extreme narcissism passed off as a superior degree of self-awareness, looking responsible on the exterior but guarding secrets that mask their irresponsibility and selfishness, and they sometimes brag about the great achievements in their life which are usually bold-faced lies or flat-out BULLSH*T! To an extent, people only let you see what they want you to see. It takes some fine detective work to find their flaws. As a rule of thumb, if you have to dig deep to find a flaw, it's probably best to walk away RIGHT AWAY. Nobody is perfect... and anyone trying to pass themselves off as being such is probably a total whack job!
So, now our body image is so poor, we make poor decisions concerning our partners and our overall health. We develop eating disorders to bolster our poor self-image and continue living with a perpetual cycle of internal emotional distress. We develop bad habits, unhealthy lifestyles, and drive ourselves into the ground... pretty much guaranteeing that our life will be nothing but rubble and NO PERSON could ever want to love us.
It is in a moment of complete desperation that a GOOD PERSON'S strength of character sparked a glimmer of hope. Continual reminders of how fearfully and wonderfully made EVERY PERSON truly is. Every day, my path growing a little bit brighter, gaining a little more confidence in myself, taking charge of my emotions, taking better care of my body. It is exhausting to live with a mental illness... but what are my other options? It is painful to live with what has happened to me in the past... excruciating! But what are my other options?
Learning about my mental illnesses and how to cope have helped me deal with some of the most pressing issues I've faced since childhood. Some of them have had a greater impact on my life. I survived repeated acts of sexual abuse (my most vivid memory occurred at the age of 6) and then abandonment by my father at age 10. His abuse neither started nor ended with me. He was quite severely mentally ill. The courts didn't think it necessary to penalize him with imprisonment... so they tried to coax him into some self-help. Yeah, right. He was too busy being psychotic and paranoid... abusing my sisters... attempting to kill my mother... imagining that someone was trying to steal his tools... threatening every person in the house, intimidating us daily so that we would do every last thing he commanded of us. He had everyone outside of our home convinced that he was God's gift to the world. To this day, I'm not even sure how he managed to pull that one off. But because I know that he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, too, I try harder everyday to be a better person. I could never respect myself if I were to become too much "like him."
I also survived a great deal of sexual abuse and coercion in my young adulthood. Don't get me wrong... I do not for one minute negate my own role in the decision-making process that occurs between 2 consenting adults! But a mentally disturbed person - a person suffering from true psychosis - has little to no control over such things. I could liken the situation to that of a child, a developmentally disabled person, or an incoherent person being asked to partake in a sexual act (degrading or not, aggressive or not) and their acquiescence is somehow unquestionably presumed. Unfortunately, for many people living with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, sexual promiscuity and risk-taking behaviors that lead up to the acts are not only expected but also readily dismissed as a mere symptom of the disorder(s). Having understood the direct correlation between substance abuse/dependence and bipolar disorder, it is easy to see why SO MANY people living with these disorders become sexually promiscuous or partake in high-risk behaviors... even when they are sober, they are not totally coherent. How much more so when they are drinking, or drunk... or otherwise altered?!?!
All of these lead up to more poor decisions, abusive relationships, incarceration, broken families, financial distress, self-mutilation, bad reputation, continuous self-loathing, permanent loss of friendships, self-deprecation, continued self-medication, and a total downward spiral into utter darkness...
Can you imagine how many suicides can be prevented if we (1) show/give our children real love, (2) get to know ourselves, (3) learn to love ourselves, (4) have respect for life, (5) desire good things for ourselves, (6) and then assert ourselves to go after/have those good things...??? I have met SO MANY people with tragic stories like my own. I can't speak for those individuals, but I for one can confidently say that I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM. I refuse to take a back seat to my mental illness. I refuse to let the good things in life pass me by. I refuse to repeat mistakes and forsake lessons I've learned. I refuse to be idle and do nothing. I refuse to let someone else BE THE CHANGE.
And on that note, I'm calling it a night (even though it's morning now - OMG, I've been writing for 4 hours)!! Check out the links below and educate yourself.
Information about Eating Disorders:
Focus Healthcare of Tennessee's Center for Eating Disorders - The Predictors of Eating Disorders
National Eating Disorders Association - Factors That May Contribute to Eating Disorders
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
Mayo Clinic
Focus Healthcare of Tennessee's Center for Eating Disorders - Signs and Symptoms of Eating Disorders
Information about Social Anxiety:
Web MD
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
The Social Anxiety Institute
Mayo Clinic
Anxiety and Depression Association of America
Social Anxiety Support
Information about Body Dysmorphic Disorder:
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
Medscape Reference: Drugs, Diseases, & Procedures
Mayo Clinic
PsychCentral - Demystifying Treatment for Body Dysmorphic Disorder
PSychCentral - When the Reflection is Revolting
Information about Bipolar Disorder:
National Institute on Mental Health - U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
Web MD
Mayo Clinic
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
Information about Borderline Personality Disorder:
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder
Mayo Clinic
VideoJug - Health & Wellbeing - The Effects of BDD
Information about the link between Obesity and Eating Disorders/Social Anxiety:
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
Psychology Today Magazine - Sussex Publishers, LLC. - Archetypes and Eating Disorders and Obesity
Psychology Today Magazine - Sussex Publishers, LLC. - Is Obesity an Eating Disorder?
Science Daily, LLC. - Obese People Can Suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder Due to Weight Alone
About.com
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
Information about the link between Borderline Personality Disorder and Eating Disorders:
Web MD
Cleveland Center for Eating Disorders
BPD Central - Co-occurring Disorders
About.com
Information about the correlation between Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Suicidality:
The American Journal of Psychiatry - Suicidality in Body Dysmorphic Disorder: A Prospective Study
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine - Suicidality in BDD
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine - Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Attempts in Body Dysmorphic Disorder
VideoJug - Health & Wellbeing - BDD and Suicide Attempts
Information about the relationship between Bipolar Disorder and Suicidality:
Web MD
bpHope Magazine - Straight Talk About Suicide
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
Neurotransmitter.net
Suicide.org
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Information about the connection between Bipolar Disorder and ADHD:
Psychiatry Weekly - Bipolar Disorder with ADHD: Best Practice and Emerging Treatment Findings
Journal Watch - Massachusetts Medical Society - Adding ADHD to Bipolar Disorder in Adults: A Volatile Mixture
Medscape Reference: Drugs, Diseases, & Procedures
Information about ADHD vs. OCD:
The ADHD Treatment Guide Blog - ADHD vs. OCD: Brain Regions and Bloowflow Patterns
PsychCentral - OCD and ADHD: Is There a Connection?
ADDitude Magazine: Living Well with Attention Deficit - New Hope Media, LLC. - Is It OCD? Or ADD/ADHD?
Information about the comorbidity of Bipolar Disorder:
Medscape Reference: Drugs, Diseases, & Procedures
Manic Musings Magazine - Literary Magazine/Mental Health Reference - Comorbidity in Polar Disorder
National Center for Biotechnology Information - U.S. National Library of Medicine
Information about Suicidology:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - Risk Factors for Suicide
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Medline Plus - U.S. National Library of Medicine - U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention - Suicide Prevention
American Association of Suicidology - Suicide Statistics
Psychology Today - Sussex Publishers, LLC. The Six Reasons People Attempt Suicide
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