You'd never expect it

You'd never expect it, but just about the time I feel like I'm getting really good at coping with my bipolar disorder, is when the whole thing comes crashing down on me. I've been feeling pretty confident in my coping skills and even talked on several occasions about my uncanny sense of purpose and confidence in general. Little did I know, it was mania in disguise!

What has my life come to, that confidence and a sense of purpose now have to be ogled and dissected...? I found myself sinking rapidly from a self-actualizing, coping individual into the deepest pits of depression since 2007. Why now? Everything seems fine in my life, I'm on the journey to fulfillment and have had several eye-opening "aha" moments in recent weeks. Maybe I haven't really been taking good care of myself, maybe I just thought I was... but I truly DID think I was doing the best I've done in recent years.

Today, I cycled rapidly through emotions from being excited about getting married to being seriously depressed without reason... from crying at everything and nothing at the same time to feeling utter numbness.

If there's one thing I don't like, it's the feelings that I experienced today. I had to keep reminding myself that I was making a choice on how to feel, that my feelings didn't control me. In my head, I shouted out loud "God please let me see the glass half full!!" because I was so desperate for positivity.

Well, tonight is a full moon... and that means that the intentions I set for myself are going to be the ones manifested under the full moon. So, I'm going to start setting MY intentions for manifestation. You can try the same, it's rather easy, and is a positive exercise for anyone and everyone at any point in their journey to self-discovery!


INTENTIONS

My life has purpose and meaning.
I will accomplish my dreams and even, beyond my goals, things that I cannot fathom possible at this present moment.
I am successful.
I am generous, kind, charming, and grateful.
I am beautiful and wise.
I am courageous and I never give up.
My endeavors are earnest and my labors are fruitful.
I am a blessing to all who meet me.
I will not hold a grudge and I will not judge.
I think before I speak and my words are uplifting and inspiring.
I am a vessel that God uses readily for His will and all of my works glorify Him.
I am flowering into that which God has intended me to be since before my birth.
I am patient on my journey and I am enjoying my life.
I take pride in myself and I nurture my finesse.
I admire my positive outlook on life and continue to simplify and thrive.
I am blessed beyond measure and dream about the great things yet to come.

Am I Imagining This?

When you live with bipolar disorder, you are constantly asking yourself this question.

People living with bipolar disorder typically experience periods in their life where their mood is dictated by the perceptions they have of the world and people around them.

For example, if you imagine that everyone in the cafeteria is staring at you and paying attention to what you say, do, eat... how do you react? Do you maintain a sense of poise and go about as normal? OR do you self-implode and feel anxious, guilty, afraid, or paranoid?

There can be some dire consequences and severe emotional disturbances for people dealing with a depressive episode. You may even experience anger or unrealistic rage during a manic episode. The bottom line is... there are eyes everywhere... and you feel like they are all on YOU!

I know from experience that my perception can drive my relationships into the ground... but quite honestly, it could also build them up... it all depends on how you MANAGE your BP.

When you manage your moods, instead of letting them manage you, you will find your reactions to be positive and your behaviors to be peaceful (with yourself and others). It is NOT easy, but it CAN be done! I am living proof!!!

So, tell me, how do YOU tell the difference between what is REAL and what is IMAGINED?? What kind of perceptions do you have that build or destroy your relationships with others?? Do you ever find yourself questioning what people really feel about you or how they see you/are they judging you?? Let's talk about it...

Please leave me a comment below!

Eloping...

I wanted to talk about one of the many periods in my life when I was experiencing a very strong, emotional crisis and seriously contemplated suicide. I was deeply depressed and not only contemplating suicide, but even planning it. I decided to elope - because I was fighting one of the toughest battles I had ever fought with myself and it was excruciatingly painful to experience that living with people who didn't understand what I was going through and who didn't CARE to understand what I was going through...

I am writing this post, not to give people creative ideas of their own, but because I am still trying to dissect and understand why I behaved in some ways. I also hope it will help at least one person to feel less alone in their distress.

Back in 2005, when I was 22 years old, I went through a series of rather rough crises. I was questioning my self-worth constantly and involved in a bad relationship. I also had just gone through gastric bypass surgery and hated my body - how it looked, how it felt, hormonal changes, etc. Everyday, I was fighting a losing battle with my inner critic. It didn't help that I perceived people around me to be my critics, as well. It drove my relationship into the ground and caused multiple domestic disputes. Among these, some that escalated to physical abuse.

Even at my worst, I was always apologetic. I realized just how guilty I was of pushing people away from me with my behaviors and suspicions. Unfortunately, that didn't redirect my jealousy or cause me to be challenged to change the controlling behaviors. I thought, if I could just control how someone felt about me, if I could just make the person like me more, they wouldn't disrespect me or treat me so foul. I was wrong. I would have been far better to consider my own thoughts & behaviors, rather than worry about how others were treating me. If I had done so, I would have eloped from the situation completely and spared my own emotions from the harsh distress that ensued.

Because I did not separate myself from the situation, leave the bad relationship, move away from an abusive partner, get help for my controlling behaviors and past abuse, I became something I did not like... I became a type of aggressor, allowing people to mistreat me because they convinced me that I deserved it. I felt absolutely unlovable and their input made me go into a downward spiral, making my self-worth nearly obsolete. As I seriously questioned life and my purpose in it, I eloped.

I wanted to make an impression, I wanted to catch people's attention. Therefore, when I eloped, I really didn't plan on coming back. Unlike when my father abandoned me, I left behind everything that a person deems important.

I took off on foot, and decided that I didn't even need my credit cards, car keys, house keys... I didn't realize it (my partner told me), but the day I left everything in my room was left untouched, as if I was just gone to the store, except that my purse, keys, and car were where you'd expect them to be if I was just somewhere in the house.

When my partner returned home, he was very confused and noticed the cat had gotten out. He saw my car and thought I was home but didn't notice my purse and cell phone until hours after I was missing. He admitted thinking the worst and was somewhat worried, but he went about his regular routine, hoping I'd just show up eventually. He didn't know where I had gone or why. I didn't leave a note. I just left. But he never admitted (at least not to me) to pursuing me or trying to find me.

I walked 2 miles to a local hotel where I planned to spend a few hours before making any rash decisions. I had with me 2 oranges, my cash, my license (for identification of my body) and my favorite cutting knife (the one I used to use when self-mutilating). My idea was to go to the hotel, eat the oranges, and decide by the second orange if I was going to kill myself. I cried so hard for several hours... and I couldn't even break into the first orange. I didn't want to die. I just didn't know what else to do...

I laid in bed and cried, the hotel staff banged on the door, but I didn't answer. I didn't want them to break down the door, so I stopped crying. I sat in stunned silence for what seemed like years... hours passed... I laid on top of the blankets, with the knife in my hand, waiting for what would seem like a good time to do it. I kept thinking about my life, in retrospect, and how I got to where I was. I felt like this was one of my lowest moments. The times I had attempted suicide before weren't much different. What hurt the most was that nobody could see how much I was suffering, how much I WANTED to get help but couldn't... I felt trapped in my body and I just wanted out.

I cried silently for the rest of the day until I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was just after midnight. I spent that entire night thinking, reminiscing. I felt guilty because I had a son that I didn't want to leave behind. I thought about what would be explained to him about his mother's death. I felt so much pain at just the thought of it. I knew that he would have his father to take care of him, because we were divorced and my son was living with his father... but I didn't want to abandon him the way my father abandoned me. I cried some more...

That night is a blur, I felt so weak from not eating and I slept off and on in-between crying jags.

The second day, I paid for the hotel again. I managed to get myself down to the office. They asked about the crying, I reassured them that everything was okay but I really just needed to be alone to deal with my depression and didn't want my family to see me this way. That didn't seem to alarm them at all, I went back to the room and sat. And I thought to myself... that was awkward, embarrassing, but not all that difficult to do. I felt a glimmer of hope. If I could pay for the room, maybe I could eventually leave the room and return home. I didn't know how or when... I didn't WANT to return home. After 2 days, I had no phone contact with anyone, I hadn't reported in to my waitress job so they fired me, and I had no reason to go home. Nobody was looking for me, nobody really knew I was gone. But I felt like, because I had just 1 reason to live - my son - that I would return home and face the consequences of eloping.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that moment in time where my mind was able to THINK that through. When a person is suicidal, it becomes very difficult to think clearly. This is why we hospitalize them and try to give them time to think. Unfortunately, when people forced me into Passages years ago, that's not what happened. I didn't THINK through why I needed to live, I thought through why I wanted to die. When I eloped and took it seriously, thinking about what I wanted to do and why, it really was an eye-opener. The experience felt empowering, reinforcing of the resilience that I possess, and reassuring that I was making a better decision to stay alive.

When I returned home, my partner did not eagerly welcome me. He was furious, cruel, threatened to leave me, and harassed me about all of the reasons that I wanted to kill myself - telling me that I was the only reason that people treated me badly because I deserve it and I allow it to happen. Ironically, he was one of those people that treated me badly, I just didn't see it that way then. I bought every line easily and took every hit to my ego.

I still suffered through multiple crises and it contributed to the demise of that relationship (which, looking back, would have been better if it happened sooner). I used to feel guilty about all of the happenings surrounding the dissolution of the relationship. I was brainwashed to think that I was absolutely unlovable. But instead of DEATH, LOVE made a way out.

Previous to this experience, I had met the man who will soon be my husband. He was always very good at prodding me to think about how God sees me and judges me. He is quick to remind me that God made me fearfully and wonderfully in HIS image. He never entered a personal judgment or told me what he thought of me... it was only a sincere attempt to get me to center my focus on God and His promises. I am so blessed to have such a person in my life, who was able to be self-less and keep his own opinions to himself, pointing me in the right direction. I would not have lived if he wasn't a part of my life. And, largely, I owe my life to him... because of what he has done for me, what he has facilitated to happen through me.

I want every day of my life to be just as inspiring to others as he has inspired me. I pray that our future together will bring about HOPE and LOVE to people who feel hopeless and unlovable. I truly hope that YOU who are reading this feel the love that I have for you... I understand... I've been there... depression can be deep, but YOU CAN work your way out. The next time you feel like killing yourself, I encourage you to elope to a safe place to think seriously about the FUTURE, about POSITIVE things in your life. Don't dwell on what COULD HAVE BEEN, or what SHOULD HAVE BEEN... but what MIGHT BE!

I may not always be available, but I'm always willing to listen when people need someone because I know what it meant to me to have that ONE PERSON who unconditionally showed me love and respect, understanding, and directed me in the right thought paths. Find THAT ONE PERSON you can count on... and if you have nobody... remember that there are people waiting around the clock to listen, who have been through some similar circumstances - depression, suicide attempts, victims of violence - and they are ready to help if you only REACH OUT!

NOTE: It's okay to elope, but when you feel severely depressed and suicidal, PLEASE reach out! There are people who are highly trained to help direct your thoughts when you are unable to harness your own mental power. Do not underestimate the help that can be achieved by calling the numbers below:

Nationwide Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)

National Crisis Help Line
1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)

Depression Hotline (Suicide Prevention Services of America - Batavia)
1-630-482-9696


I wrote this post in loving memory of my nephew, Dylan James Wagner, whose 18th birthday would have been today, October 21st. He took his own life on April 28, 2010 at the age of 15. I only wish he had thought to elope or reach out for help...

Forgiveness

For too many years, I harbored hate, fear, and anger that I didn't even know existed.

I remember as a child complaining that you never gave me any gifts. I also remember the day you came home with a cheap, plastic pony and threw it on the floor in front of me and said "Don't say I never got you any presents."

I remember the time you were brawling with my older brother in the kitchen, banging his head against the cupboards, all because he came home and asked what was on TV. The blood was gory... it made me so sick that I threw up that night. Mom was torn between helping me in the bathroom and making sure you didn't kill Michael.

Another time I felt much worse - I felt like dying - the day I watched you choke my mom until she was purple in the face and almost dead. If not for the town cop, you would be in PRISON FOR LIFE for first degree murder...

You did murder something that day, but not my mother (Thank God)... you killed the last part of me that cared about you. Sure, I was afraid of you, who wasn't? But I knew I couldn't grow up in this same house, in that same environment. Something had to change. I wanted you gone. So, I started to pray... 8 years old and praying that my father would mysteriously vanish from thin air... and guess what... when you did 2 years later, I rejoiced!

Then you tried to contact me when I was an 19 years old, tried to make sure I didn't blame you for the horrible things you did. You tried to pretend you were your own sister, chatting with me on messenger, telling me that my mother filled my head with horrible things about you... that none of it was true. None of it was true?

I can still smell the plastic of the TV flipper that I used to stare at to distract me from the agony your penis was putting me through. I remember how you smelled, the smell of your cologne makes me sick to this very day.

You stalked me when I worked as a waitress. I can't believe you had the nerve to come sit in my section and let me wait on you. You're lucky my husband at the time didn't come confront you, I wonder what you would have said. I was actually pissed at Michael for ruining it for Georgie and I, I wanted us to come see you on Father's Day in LaSalle County Jail... but I guess you and Michael had some words. I hope it changed something, because I was pretty upset that it happened. I wanted MY chance to make peace with you.

Then, years after you tried to make me forget the memories, they came flooding back, as real as the day it happened. I woke up vomiting profusely. I never wanted to speak your name again. I felt dead inside. I didn't want another man to touch my body because you had defiled me. I felt like I needed to protect myself because I didn't want anyone else to hurt me the way you hurt me. I wouldn't get close to anyone, I couldn't allow myself to feel intimate.

But I grew past it, I said I forgave you although I would never forget. I really thought I was okay... I really believed I would get past it that easy.

When I was 25, you denied that I'm your child. You said you want a paternity test. I call your bullshit. You are supposed to be an adult, a mature individual. Now you don't want to pay the child support for the 13 years that you skipped out... You make me sick... and sometimes you make me laugh... how COULD I be yours when we are so different?!?!?!?

I decided a long time ago that you would never be a part of my life. You will never look at, hug, or talk to your first grandchild. He will never know who you are.

But that isn't enough. After you gave me so much torture, pain, agony, the sexual abuse that has followed me throughout my entire life... my ex-husbands suffered in our marriages thanks to you and I've suffered for the last 21 years with the guilt that no child should ever have to endure. You are a pitiful excuse for a human being. You gave me fear, doubt, anger...

And my gift to myself is... forgiveness. Because I am done trying to make sense of it. I am done trying to forget it. So, I forgive you. "Forgiveness is an act of self-love" (~don Miguel Ruiz). I can't change what you did, I will never be able to do that. But, I forgive you because I WILL move on and I will grow past this. I have a loving man in my life now, who understands what you put me through, and he does everything to make sure I won't experience this pain again. So, I forgive you. You didn't love me, that's for sure, but plenty of people do... and even if there was no single person that loved me... God does. He made me in HIS image, not YOURS (THANK GOD) and I will live out my life being forgiven by Him for the wrongs I've done so it is my duty to also forgive you.

It has been said that "forgiveness is not forgetting an injustice done; it is the understanding that allows us to set aside the emotional impact of that injustice pertaining to ourselves. When we no longer hold these emotions, and have understanding for the person, we have forgiven them."

Even though it hurts to admit it, you and I are not really that different after all. We've both done wrong things in our lives. We've both incurred debts to God and sinned against his Holy nature. And the best that either of us could ever be is just FORGIVEN. So, I forgive you. I release you from the punishment I wished upon you for so long. And, in doing so, I release myself from the anger, fear, and pain you pushed onto me so many years ago. I forgive you.

My Developing Theory About Modern Cases of Bipolar Disorder

As many people know, I have been developing a theory of my own about bipolar disorder. These days, it is so readily diagnosed in the U.S. I do not disagree with the diagnoses, per se, but I do believe that there are 2 ways the illness can perpetuate throughout society: genetically and through social conditioning.

Social conditioning manifests a wide variety of symptomology and, much like the Pavlovian theory of classical conditioning, it is a "phenomena characterized by a process of inherited tradition[s] and gradual cultural transmutation[s] passed down" (WIKIA) including how we react (or desist from reacting) to stressors.

Considering all things equal - how an individual learns to cope with stress is just as much a learned trait as brushing our teeth daily, how to enjoy music, what kind of music we like, etc. We all fall subject to the conditioning of our parents as children, and as adolescents and young adults, we are also heavily influenced by our cohorts. As adults, we inherit the right to make our own choices. The sad fact is that at this point, most of us have either made the choice to CHOOSE our habits & behaviors or merely CONTINUE in the habits & behaviors we were conditioned from birth.

This does not necessarily mean that we should continue to BLAME our parents for our continued mistakes. On the contrary, as adults, we have the choice to change our attitudes, alter our habits, and modify our behaviors.

However, as a parent, I realize how important this is for my parenting style. What I teach my child - how I teach him to cope with disappointment plays a LARGE ROLE in his social and psychological behaviors and habits. Therefore, he will learn how to cope in ways that I am modeling. If, the second I face an unsettling circumstance, I become immediately upset and react to the situation, he will learn to do the same. If I take a few deep breaths, mull over possible outcomes and choices, and then exercise my right to make a choice (rather than just getting flustered and angry), I am modeling good coping skills for him to learn.

My theory is that there are SO MANY people diagnosed with bipolar disorder NOWADAYS because we live in a society where people want it "my way or the highway." This kind of thinking has led us to be a "throwaway generation" where we view ideas, things, and people as replaceable and not having any real value. This way of thinking has conditioned our children to be less tolerant and, in turn, less able to cope with disappointments.

I'm not trying to take away from the fact that bipolar disorder is a genetic disease passed down from one generation to another, usually from the mother to the child. I am, however, encouraging you parents out there to take immediate action and consider the difference you can make in your child's life!

As a parent, please take seriously the manner in which you deal with disappointments! If your child does not learn from you, who will teach them? And whether you are actively teaching them or not, you are modeling behaviors for them that will shape their future choices and behaviors. Does this make you question your habits and priorities? I hope so. Make a difference in the life of your child and perhaps we will save one person from being diagnosed with a "conditioned" mental illness.

Encouragement on the Last Day of my 1st Clinical Rotation

As I embark on the last day of my first clinical rotation, I reflect back to how much work it took to get into the nursing program.


I worked my BUTT OFF to get into this program. The countless hours of studying, reading, memorizing, testing, practicing... the CNA course alone was torturous! Now that I am here, I have felt like giving up quite a bit. I keep telling myself what everyone else is telling me, "One day it will all be worth it."


Of course, that's so cliche and it doesn't resonate well with me. But there are other sentiments, that follow, that do resonate well with me.



"This is just the first step in a long journey toward my ultimate goal."

"This period is one of great learning opportunity, do not take it for granted."

"Enjoy every day, every challenge because tomorrow there will be a new challenge that is just as daunting and having conquered this one will make me more able to conquer those that follow."

"Take time for yourself and your family, you deserve it!"

"Don't stress out over a B or C grade. It's the actual LEARNING and APPLYING KNOWLEDGE that matters most!"

"Many others have succeeded at this nursing program, and I will, too!"