Eloping...

I wanted to talk about one of the many periods in my life when I was experiencing a very strong, emotional crisis and seriously contemplated suicide. I was deeply depressed and not only contemplating suicide, but even planning it. I decided to elope - because I was fighting one of the toughest battles I had ever fought with myself and it was excruciatingly painful to experience that living with people who didn't understand what I was going through and who didn't CARE to understand what I was going through...

I am writing this post, not to give people creative ideas of their own, but because I am still trying to dissect and understand why I behaved in some ways. I also hope it will help at least one person to feel less alone in their distress.

Back in 2005, when I was 22 years old, I went through a series of rather rough crises. I was questioning my self-worth constantly and involved in a bad relationship. I also had just gone through gastric bypass surgery and hated my body - how it looked, how it felt, hormonal changes, etc. Everyday, I was fighting a losing battle with my inner critic. It didn't help that I perceived people around me to be my critics, as well. It drove my relationship into the ground and caused multiple domestic disputes. Among these, some that escalated to physical abuse.

Even at my worst, I was always apologetic. I realized just how guilty I was of pushing people away from me with my behaviors and suspicions. Unfortunately, that didn't redirect my jealousy or cause me to be challenged to change the controlling behaviors. I thought, if I could just control how someone felt about me, if I could just make the person like me more, they wouldn't disrespect me or treat me so foul. I was wrong. I would have been far better to consider my own thoughts & behaviors, rather than worry about how others were treating me. If I had done so, I would have eloped from the situation completely and spared my own emotions from the harsh distress that ensued.

Because I did not separate myself from the situation, leave the bad relationship, move away from an abusive partner, get help for my controlling behaviors and past abuse, I became something I did not like... I became a type of aggressor, allowing people to mistreat me because they convinced me that I deserved it. I felt absolutely unlovable and their input made me go into a downward spiral, making my self-worth nearly obsolete. As I seriously questioned life and my purpose in it, I eloped.

I wanted to make an impression, I wanted to catch people's attention. Therefore, when I eloped, I really didn't plan on coming back. Unlike when my father abandoned me, I left behind everything that a person deems important.

I took off on foot, and decided that I didn't even need my credit cards, car keys, house keys... I didn't realize it (my partner told me), but the day I left everything in my room was left untouched, as if I was just gone to the store, except that my purse, keys, and car were where you'd expect them to be if I was just somewhere in the house.

When my partner returned home, he was very confused and noticed the cat had gotten out. He saw my car and thought I was home but didn't notice my purse and cell phone until hours after I was missing. He admitted thinking the worst and was somewhat worried, but he went about his regular routine, hoping I'd just show up eventually. He didn't know where I had gone or why. I didn't leave a note. I just left. But he never admitted (at least not to me) to pursuing me or trying to find me.

I walked 2 miles to a local hotel where I planned to spend a few hours before making any rash decisions. I had with me 2 oranges, my cash, my license (for identification of my body) and my favorite cutting knife (the one I used to use when self-mutilating). My idea was to go to the hotel, eat the oranges, and decide by the second orange if I was going to kill myself. I cried so hard for several hours... and I couldn't even break into the first orange. I didn't want to die. I just didn't know what else to do...

I laid in bed and cried, the hotel staff banged on the door, but I didn't answer. I didn't want them to break down the door, so I stopped crying. I sat in stunned silence for what seemed like years... hours passed... I laid on top of the blankets, with the knife in my hand, waiting for what would seem like a good time to do it. I kept thinking about my life, in retrospect, and how I got to where I was. I felt like this was one of my lowest moments. The times I had attempted suicide before weren't much different. What hurt the most was that nobody could see how much I was suffering, how much I WANTED to get help but couldn't... I felt trapped in my body and I just wanted out.

I cried silently for the rest of the day until I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was just after midnight. I spent that entire night thinking, reminiscing. I felt guilty because I had a son that I didn't want to leave behind. I thought about what would be explained to him about his mother's death. I felt so much pain at just the thought of it. I knew that he would have his father to take care of him, because we were divorced and my son was living with his father... but I didn't want to abandon him the way my father abandoned me. I cried some more...

That night is a blur, I felt so weak from not eating and I slept off and on in-between crying jags.

The second day, I paid for the hotel again. I managed to get myself down to the office. They asked about the crying, I reassured them that everything was okay but I really just needed to be alone to deal with my depression and didn't want my family to see me this way. That didn't seem to alarm them at all, I went back to the room and sat. And I thought to myself... that was awkward, embarrassing, but not all that difficult to do. I felt a glimmer of hope. If I could pay for the room, maybe I could eventually leave the room and return home. I didn't know how or when... I didn't WANT to return home. After 2 days, I had no phone contact with anyone, I hadn't reported in to my waitress job so they fired me, and I had no reason to go home. Nobody was looking for me, nobody really knew I was gone. But I felt like, because I had just 1 reason to live - my son - that I would return home and face the consequences of eloping.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that moment in time where my mind was able to THINK that through. When a person is suicidal, it becomes very difficult to think clearly. This is why we hospitalize them and try to give them time to think. Unfortunately, when people forced me into Passages years ago, that's not what happened. I didn't THINK through why I needed to live, I thought through why I wanted to die. When I eloped and took it seriously, thinking about what I wanted to do and why, it really was an eye-opener. The experience felt empowering, reinforcing of the resilience that I possess, and reassuring that I was making a better decision to stay alive.

When I returned home, my partner did not eagerly welcome me. He was furious, cruel, threatened to leave me, and harassed me about all of the reasons that I wanted to kill myself - telling me that I was the only reason that people treated me badly because I deserve it and I allow it to happen. Ironically, he was one of those people that treated me badly, I just didn't see it that way then. I bought every line easily and took every hit to my ego.

I still suffered through multiple crises and it contributed to the demise of that relationship (which, looking back, would have been better if it happened sooner). I used to feel guilty about all of the happenings surrounding the dissolution of the relationship. I was brainwashed to think that I was absolutely unlovable. But instead of DEATH, LOVE made a way out.

Previous to this experience, I had met the man who will soon be my husband. He was always very good at prodding me to think about how God sees me and judges me. He is quick to remind me that God made me fearfully and wonderfully in HIS image. He never entered a personal judgment or told me what he thought of me... it was only a sincere attempt to get me to center my focus on God and His promises. I am so blessed to have such a person in my life, who was able to be self-less and keep his own opinions to himself, pointing me in the right direction. I would not have lived if he wasn't a part of my life. And, largely, I owe my life to him... because of what he has done for me, what he has facilitated to happen through me.

I want every day of my life to be just as inspiring to others as he has inspired me. I pray that our future together will bring about HOPE and LOVE to people who feel hopeless and unlovable. I truly hope that YOU who are reading this feel the love that I have for you... I understand... I've been there... depression can be deep, but YOU CAN work your way out. The next time you feel like killing yourself, I encourage you to elope to a safe place to think seriously about the FUTURE, about POSITIVE things in your life. Don't dwell on what COULD HAVE BEEN, or what SHOULD HAVE BEEN... but what MIGHT BE!

I may not always be available, but I'm always willing to listen when people need someone because I know what it meant to me to have that ONE PERSON who unconditionally showed me love and respect, understanding, and directed me in the right thought paths. Find THAT ONE PERSON you can count on... and if you have nobody... remember that there are people waiting around the clock to listen, who have been through some similar circumstances - depression, suicide attempts, victims of violence - and they are ready to help if you only REACH OUT!

NOTE: It's okay to elope, but when you feel severely depressed and suicidal, PLEASE reach out! There are people who are highly trained to help direct your thoughts when you are unable to harness your own mental power. Do not underestimate the help that can be achieved by calling the numbers below:

Nationwide Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)

National Crisis Help Line
1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)

Depression Hotline (Suicide Prevention Services of America - Batavia)
1-630-482-9696


I wrote this post in loving memory of my nephew, Dylan James Wagner, whose 18th birthday would have been today, October 21st. He took his own life on April 28, 2010 at the age of 15. I only wish he had thought to elope or reach out for help...