Forgiveness

For too many years, I harbored hate, fear, and anger that I didn't even know existed.

I remember as a child complaining that you never gave me any gifts. I also remember the day you came home with a cheap, plastic pony and threw it on the floor in front of me and said "Don't say I never got you any presents."

I remember the time you were brawling with my older brother in the kitchen, banging his head against the cupboards, all because he came home and asked what was on TV. The blood was gory... it made me so sick that I threw up that night. Mom was torn between helping me in the bathroom and making sure you didn't kill Michael.

Another time I felt much worse - I felt like dying - the day I watched you choke my mom until she was purple in the face and almost dead. If not for the town cop, you would be in PRISON FOR LIFE for first degree murder...

You did murder something that day, but not my mother (Thank God)... you killed the last part of me that cared about you. Sure, I was afraid of you, who wasn't? But I knew I couldn't grow up in this same house, in that same environment. Something had to change. I wanted you gone. So, I started to pray... 8 years old and praying that my father would mysteriously vanish from thin air... and guess what... when you did 2 years later, I rejoiced!

Then you tried to contact me when I was an 19 years old, tried to make sure I didn't blame you for the horrible things you did. You tried to pretend you were your own sister, chatting with me on messenger, telling me that my mother filled my head with horrible things about you... that none of it was true. None of it was true?

I can still smell the plastic of the TV flipper that I used to stare at to distract me from the agony your penis was putting me through. I remember how you smelled, the smell of your cologne makes me sick to this very day.

You stalked me when I worked as a waitress. I can't believe you had the nerve to come sit in my section and let me wait on you. You're lucky my husband at the time didn't come confront you, I wonder what you would have said. I was actually pissed at Michael for ruining it for Georgie and I, I wanted us to come see you on Father's Day in LaSalle County Jail... but I guess you and Michael had some words. I hope it changed something, because I was pretty upset that it happened. I wanted MY chance to make peace with you.

Then, years after you tried to make me forget the memories, they came flooding back, as real as the day it happened. I woke up vomiting profusely. I never wanted to speak your name again. I felt dead inside. I didn't want another man to touch my body because you had defiled me. I felt like I needed to protect myself because I didn't want anyone else to hurt me the way you hurt me. I wouldn't get close to anyone, I couldn't allow myself to feel intimate.

But I grew past it, I said I forgave you although I would never forget. I really thought I was okay... I really believed I would get past it that easy.

When I was 25, you denied that I'm your child. You said you want a paternity test. I call your bullshit. You are supposed to be an adult, a mature individual. Now you don't want to pay the child support for the 13 years that you skipped out... You make me sick... and sometimes you make me laugh... how COULD I be yours when we are so different?!?!?!?

I decided a long time ago that you would never be a part of my life. You will never look at, hug, or talk to your first grandchild. He will never know who you are.

But that isn't enough. After you gave me so much torture, pain, agony, the sexual abuse that has followed me throughout my entire life... my ex-husbands suffered in our marriages thanks to you and I've suffered for the last 21 years with the guilt that no child should ever have to endure. You are a pitiful excuse for a human being. You gave me fear, doubt, anger...

And my gift to myself is... forgiveness. Because I am done trying to make sense of it. I am done trying to forget it. So, I forgive you. "Forgiveness is an act of self-love" (~don Miguel Ruiz). I can't change what you did, I will never be able to do that. But, I forgive you because I WILL move on and I will grow past this. I have a loving man in my life now, who understands what you put me through, and he does everything to make sure I won't experience this pain again. So, I forgive you. You didn't love me, that's for sure, but plenty of people do... and even if there was no single person that loved me... God does. He made me in HIS image, not YOURS (THANK GOD) and I will live out my life being forgiven by Him for the wrongs I've done so it is my duty to also forgive you.

It has been said that "forgiveness is not forgetting an injustice done; it is the understanding that allows us to set aside the emotional impact of that injustice pertaining to ourselves. When we no longer hold these emotions, and have understanding for the person, we have forgiven them."

Even though it hurts to admit it, you and I are not really that different after all. We've both done wrong things in our lives. We've both incurred debts to God and sinned against his Holy nature. And the best that either of us could ever be is just FORGIVEN. So, I forgive you. I release you from the punishment I wished upon you for so long. And, in doing so, I release myself from the anger, fear, and pain you pushed onto me so many years ago. I forgive you.