Dancing in the rain

Lately, it has been raining a lot. So much so that it's flooding. That's kinda how my brain feels right now...like it's flooding.

There's no doubt in my mind now that a manic episode is brewing. My mind is a jumbled mess! How I look on the outside: calm, collected, and reasonable. How I feel on the inside: happy, sad, and extremely chaotic! I feel like I could dance in the rain, and that's just something I would not normally do. These are my clues.

I hate it when I have to play detective with my own emotions. Like... why am I feeling this way? or what are the consequences of saying/doing this? I try to dissect every thought that I can grasp in my disorganized brain. I interrogate myself in the mirror, wondering what it is that makes me "go bananas" because...let's face it, there often is NO identifiable trigger.

Not unlike most people, my thought life is based on my emotions and subtle reactions to both external and internal stimuli. Vacations make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Work makes me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Reading, writing, music, children... all make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. You see the pattern there? And this is what it's like to live with bipolar disorder.

Utter chaos!!

But if there's one thing I've learned it's that this is all temporary. Whatever I'm feeling in the moment... it's only temporary.

This is the mantra I tell myself on an hourly basis. Because I cannot function without knowing that simple fact. And I often fail at recognizing this in the beginning. I need reminders. And that's when a good support system comes into play. I'm blessed to have people who will remind me that what I'm feeling isn't rational, reasonable, or by any means permanent.

Once I've accepted that fact, I can focus on what will help. And again... I need reminders!!! I am the worst at remembering what worked for me in the past. That's why it's important for everyone, regardless of background, education level, or experience - to document your moods, your sleep, your diet, your exercise. And I've failed at doing that for a while now, but I am determined to do better. And that's because I WANT TO BE WELL! I want to be what my children need me to be. I want to be the wife my husband married. I want to be the kind person I know myself to be. So... I will try. And I will never stop trying.

But for now, I think I shall go dance in the rain...