I cannot tolerate being bored. Some have figured this out about me already. I used to think I'd be a great stay-at-home mom but following the birth of Lydia found out that was not true. I hate being alone at home with little people all day long. Surpring, I know! I used to babysit, be a nanny, and do all sorts of activities with other people's children. Why not my own? Maybe because over time I grew impatient...?? I digress.
I thought that in this pandemic, I'd be super productive and get a lot of organizing done around the house. Wrong-o! I made a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before I went back to work. Lo and behold, of the 30 some things on that list, I got a handful done. I spent most of my time being anxious or depressed, day drinking, and watching movies or Netflix. I can at least say I was able to homeschool, clean the kitchen on almost a daily basis, and I kept up with laundry (even putting the clothes away)! But if you know me, that's simply not enough.
I thrive on accomplishments. My blog is freckled with entries about all of my many accomplishments and accolades. As you can guess, I feel immense guilt about not living up to my own expectations during this pandemic. And the guilt just perpetuated the depression and anxiety.
So many people have had a worsening of psychiatric symptoms during the pandemic so I know I'm not alone. My Facebook feed is full of posts from people who are suffering with depression and anxiety because of COVID-19. This is a novel time for us. The country is basically shut down. There are shelter-in-place orders to stay inside of our homes and when we do have to venture out into public for groceries and supplies, we wear face masks, gloves, and have to maintain a social distance of 6 feet from any other people. Staying in our homes has undoubtedly caused an increase in depression for those who live with it every day. And the mere fact of the virulence of COVID-19 has the anxiety levels of people across the globe in an upward trend. Every day, every hour, the statistics are updated, there are press conferences and official announcements on the TV, and the news repeats all of this information.
American citizens raise arms against each other and march in protest because some want to reopen the country to save the economy and provide jobs for those who cannot pay their bills and are at risk of becoming homeless and some want to continue to shelter-in-place. (At this point the curve has not flattened. Rather, it's near what we assume to be it's peak. In Illinois, each new day becomes the day of the most deaths due to COVID-19.) There is so much grievance among citizens that it feels like we can never attain WORLD peace.
It is no question as to why people are so anxious and depressed. Businesses are closing, people are becoming homeless, and those who die during this period do not get proper funerals. COVID-19 patients cannot be visited and comforted by loved ones and often times die holding the hand of a stranger (nurse) at their bedside in lieu of their spouse and/or children. I cannot even imagine that emotional roller coaster. Even for patients who survive, it's not as easy as "you're healed. Now, go home and spend time with your family." There is still a safety issue at hand and protocols that must be in place to protect others.
Now, back to my post.
I just cannot find it within myself to sit still. Some goals (other than organizing) were studying for my Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Board Certification exam, reading 2 books from cover to cover, reading my Bible daily, praying throughout the day, laundry upkeep, cooking nutritious meals for the family just about every night, downsizing in just about every room of the house, sewing, watching a few Netflix series I have missed due to having no time, and spending quality time with my children. I did not accomplish all of these goals either. But what I did accomplish makes me feel good.
I have not yet found a good balance between busyness and rest. It's all or nothing. Probably due to the bipolar disorder diagnosis... I'm either hypomanic and accomplishing a lot of goals or depressed and lay in bed all day sleeping. A lot of times, my anxiety cripples me to the point that all I can do is lay down and sleep, too. My thoughts race in my head and I struggle to stay sane. Medications only help so much and my mind doesn't respond as well to meds as they used to. Maybe I've grown somewhat tolerant? So, I MUST rely on coping skills. But let me tell you the truth: No matter how many coping skills you've learned or how much you've practiced, it's still A LOT OF WORK to employ them in the heat of the moment. And I find myself failing at it miserably. My husband often reminds me to breathe and tells me to lay down and rest for a while or take my medication, because it's not my instinct to do so. I like to catastrophize. And when I'm in mixed episodes, it's hard to remember to challenge my thoughts.
In summary, I do not know how to be bored. When I feel bored, I often engage in behaviors that are counter-intuitive for my diagnosis. In retrospect, I can recognize these negative behaviors, but because it's after the fact the damage is already done and I'm merely conducting damage control. And damage control is hard during a pandemic. You can't disappear to Target for an hour to gain your composure and find the strength to go home and apologize to your spouse for exploding earlier in the day.
I want you to know that if you struggle with depression or anxiety during this pandemic, whether it's chronic or new, I feel for you and I understand. I can relate. I may not know your exact situation or the circumstances triggering your symptoms, but I do know the feeling of knots in your stomach and pain in your chest because you can't keep a structured routine for yourself or because you feel like a failure for getting nothing done at home when you have all the time in the world to do it. I know how you feel not being able to hug your loved ones, not being able to hug and kiss your mother or grandmother on mother's day! I know how it feels to not be able to celebrate a birthday or a graduation in the traditional manner. I know the depression on Easter morning when there's no family around the table to enjoy a communal meal. I know your pain. I see your suffering.
It's OK if you don't accomplish your to-do list Even the Bible tells us how important it is to rest. Jesus told us to bring our burdens to Him and take rest in the shelter of His protection over us and provision for us in times of despair. I like to read the Psalms every day: Five chapters a day, every day, until I reach the end of the book and then I re-start it again from the beginning. I find comfort in knowing that David, who came long, long before me and even before Jesus, found shelter and rest in God. If you are a Christian, I encourage you to read the Psalms, even just one chapter a day. Some chapters are dark because they are laments. I relate to those because they mirror how I feel in the moment. Yet some are songs of worship for the goodness of God and His provision in the times of desperation.
Whether or not you're a Christian, I encourage you to find at least one hobby that relaxes you. Employ this hobby as a means of distraction, a coping skill. Certainly NOT day drinking or over-indulging in comfort foods which can make matters worse (BTDT). Reading, gardening, yoga, meditation, coloring, writing, praying, zoom meetings with friends, making videos with your children, playing board games with your children, playing video games or online games where you can chat with other people via the internet, cleaning, organizing, etc. It's not a cure by any means, but it's a step in the right direction.
As for me, I'm back working virtually at a NEW JOB YAY! so I'm not as bored as I was a month ago. I'm no longer day drinking and I am taking better care of myself. Situations still come up that cause me stress and anxiety but I'm in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. Hopefully this upward trend is not a sign of a manic episode, only time will tell. But I can assure you that I function much better now that I'm back to work. And for those of you who cannot work, who feel overwhelmed by the boredom, I pray that you, too, will find that you when you go back to work you return to a somewhat "normal" emotional condition.
If you have feelings of depression that lead to thoughts of self-harm or taking your life, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline below:
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