I hate it when this happens!

I'm willing to share that I started a new medication 2 weeks ago. I'm tapering off of another to continue this new drug. I can't really tell if there's any improvement. Could be that the dose is too low. My psychiatric NP is amazing and she will have some great insight when I see her in 2 weeks!

In the meantime, I have to 'hang in there.' It's so easy to say that to someone and harder to live it out for yourself! I hate it when this happens... I feel a manic episode coming (or like I'm in one) but I can't stop it from happening. My mind is racing (thanks, anxiety) and my body is literally buzzing. I'm not talking full on manic, swinging from the chandelier, streaking up the road, exploding on a cashier, or spending a million dollars I don't have kind of manic. But somewhat of a less severe episode. Imagine me talking so fast you have to ask me to slow down. I have the urge to spend money but there's none to spend (ha!) and I am purposely trying to stay away from Amazon.com because it's not healthy for me right now. I am not sleeping well and during the day I'm all jittery and jumbled in my head. That's the nicest way to put it. I'm disorganized. Yes, I can write all of this down, and I do - so that I can keep track of my thoughts, feelings, and moods. But I have my limits!

I'm grateful for the support of my family. If not for a loving husband, I'd be suffering a lot of heartache right now. He keeps my head on straight when I can't think for myself and picks me up when I'm lower than dirt. He's my rock and I love that about him!

Despite feeling hypomanic, I am also very sad and my anxiety level is EXTREMELY HIGH. Yes, I have been triggered by recent interpersonal interactions with my ex and nightmares about my past and uncertain future. But there is an underlying, always there, certain level of depression and anxiety that I can't seem to overcome. A family member once told me that everyone feels depressed at some point. I find this kind of response to my sharing as a means of minimizing my experiences. It's not very helpful and leaves me feeling even more empty and disappointed.

To those who are "dealing" with a loved one who is diagnosed with a mental illness, please understand that it is not their responsibility to convince you they are unwell. We are suffering an unimaginable, invisible illness that is unique to each person. You cannot fully understand or comprehend what we are experiencing because you have not experienced it yourself. And we know that. And we understand that you are just not capable of knowing this information. But we do have some sort of expectation that you will support us in our times of desperation. So, if you care, be kind.