Friendship

I was sorting through some paperwork from support group meetings and I found something I had written about myself to share with the group during one of our "getting to know you" meetings this summer. I thought I could share it here in the blog for others.


One thing people may or may not know about me is that I'm good at making friends but bad at keeping them.

For many reasons:
I self-isolate during depressive episodes, I am edgy at times/have mood swings, I'm very sensitive, it's hard for me to accept when a friend and I disagree, I hate not spending time with friends but I'm often so busy that I don't get to spend time with them.

I've always been a loner - I'm very publicly friendly and caring, but I'm "hard to handle" in intimate settings. I believe this is partially due to the early sexual, emotional, and physical abuse I suffered.

But I'm very insistent upon becoming a "better person" and I refuse to believe that I am destined for any particular outcome simply because of my past.

I continue to seek my "path" in life by following my passions because I don't know what else to do/I have no other reason to live.

My passions are helping people, becoming a better person, knowing myself, loving others, raising a caring/loving son, being that one person that others can depend on.


I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that finds it hard to make and/or keep friends. Even if it's difficult or painful, it pays to have a support network - a group of people that care about your well-being, who will be there to listen when you need to talk. Even though most of my "friends" don't acknowledge me anymore, don't invite me to hang out anymore, and rarely if ever call/text me anymore, I still consider myself as one of their friends because I am willing to be there for them. I just hope that other people see that in me as well. I'd like to believe I've been there for a few people when they felt like nobody else was there.

Aside from people I refer to as "friends," I do have a group of people I can count on to be there when I need them - my DBSA support group members - who are more than friends, they are actually more like family to me. I cannot express how valuable it can be to have a close relationship with someone who understands your troubles on a personal level. From year to year, the person I'm close with may change, but that doesn't take away from what it means to me just to be able to call someone and talk about what I'm going through without the risk of being judged.

Support groups offer a special kind of friendship and shared burden that regular friendships do not. First of all, there are less expectations. Forget a birthday? No big deal. Secondly, there is mutual confidentiality. Secrets are kept secret, without even being asked to do so. Third, your support group friends expect you to talk about your problems, they know that even at your best you are still struggling with some inner battle and they never overlook your persistence in being well. Lastly, when you are going through a rough patch, your support group friends understand that you can't be there for them - or anyone - at this point in time. They do not hold a grudge against you or expect you to move mountains for them when you are also in need. Support group members find strength in each other's weaknesses and we understand that each of us is human and capable of disappointing. We do not see this as a sin against us or a wrong that has been done, but a normal part of life and an expected happening on the path of recovery.

If you are suffering with a mental illness, I urge you to become part of a support group! There are hundreds to be found, for almost anything you can imagine. Support groups are far better than just "making friends" and I assure you that as you find yourself able to be vulnerable with a person who was once a stranger, and reveal to them what troubles you, that "stranger" will stretch to you a hand of friendship and strength that no other acquaintance can give. So reach out!

A new medicine

It is pretty widely known that bipolar disorder comes with a few specific characteristics and situations. One being the battle to find the right med regimen. Most psychiatrists would agree that their chief complaint (regarding BP) is that a person with bipolar disorder starts a med and goes off the med shortly after, sometimes without good reason but almost always AMA (against medical advice). Thus, making it rather difficult to find the right med regimen for the individual.

I do not mean to question the authority of psychiatrists in general, but I do want to make one thing very clear: not all of us with bipolar disorder make these decisions rashly or without reason - some of us have DAMN GOOD reasons to stop taking our meds. I wish that psychiatrists were trained to "listen" to patients as well as psychologists are trained to do. This could prevent a lot of unethical treatment of persons with bipolar disorder and, I assume, other mental disorders.

As for me, I've mentioned previously in my blog that this is the first time to try meds since roughly 2005. In the past, I "forfeited" psychiatric care because the psychologist refused to meet with me for psychotherapy as long as I refused to take the meds the psychiatrist prescribed. NEVER was there a time when the professionals asked me WHY I felt so strongly about the med regimen forced upon me, nor did they try other methods (solely meds and psychotherapy). All that seemed to matter was that I was not med-compliant which somehow translated to be that I was dangerously unstable. I find it very hard to believe that going off meds posed an immediate danger to my psychologist...

I went 7 long years without being medicated, utilizing complementary and alternative means to manage my bipolar disorder and all without the help of a trained professional. It hasn't been easy, but I've had no other options! I do attribute much of my success to the free, peer-led DBSA support group, Possibilities, which I found in 2005. There were no other resources I could find that would help me after North Central turned me away. I walked a very lonely road in my recovery and found opposition at every corner... all because I wanted to go off the meds that were making me want to/attempt to kill myself.

What most people don't know is how I reacted to all of the different meds the doctors tried. I struggled through an anguishing journey of self-loathing and self-mutilation, deep depression and suicidal ideation. Self-medicating with alcohol, which doesn't mix well with drugs, because I didn't understand what was happening to me or why it was happening. Nobody attempted to teach me about my disorder, everyone looked upon me with judgmental eyes. I never made my feelings about that known to the professionals because they would just tell me it's another symptom of bipolar disorder... so why bother? I wasn't encouraged to talk about what I wanted for my recovery, I was only encouraged to talk about what happened in my past - which gave me horrible nightmares and flashbacks that caused so much trauma and further pain. No one tried to help me manage the pain or work through it logically... they just wanted to find out if the medicine was working to make me behave in an acceptable manner. I couldn't function on the meds, I had no self-control. I wasn't living... I was merely surviving... BARELY. I tried to request a new counselor but they wouldn't allow it for one reason or another.

New to bipolar disorder, I sought answers that nobody could give me, and I desperately wanted an end to the "madness" I was feeling. I attempted suicide 8 times that I can remember... I decided to go off the medicine because I became so afraid that I would try to take my own life again. On the meds, I couldn't think for myself, I wasn't in control of my thoughts or behaviors. It felt like someone else had taken over... all I could feel was sadness or numbness, nothing else. I wanted to give myself a chance to THINK and WORK THROUGH my depressive episodes, so I took a chance, I went off meds even though it cost me helpful treatment options and I started to learn coping mechanisms that the psychologists never offered me. I learned cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, stress reduction, relaxation techniques, and other helpful tools for recovery. In college, I took up Psychology as my major and learned about abnormal psych and specific conditions. I researched pathophysiology and neuroscience that links psychology to (mostly Freudian) theories about personality and habituation. I did what most professionals didn't think was possible for me to do - discovered for myself what works and doesn't work in my own recovery.

I have come to a point in my life where I am weary of trying so hard to maintain a sense of balance. I now realize that I am constantly at war in my head, with thoughts of a very negative and even morbid nature, images that haunt me from my past, fear of what could happen, and ideas of death that scare me into wanting to try pharmacotherapy again.

So, I have sought the help of a new doctor and tried a new med regimen recently, which I had to "go off" again because of the recent, severe suicidal ideation (again!). I bet you're not surprised...

I so desperately want to live and I mean I want to LIVE - be an active part of society again, make my own decisions, be independent - like I had been striving to do these last few years. My life may not seem glamorous or desirable to most, but at least I'm working through it and toward a new beginning. I was working toward living independently, having a job, getting out on my own, building a supportive network. What I have built so far isn't much, but it was good enough for me... until recently. Now, I have suddenly lost all sense of purpose and achievement. I have lost all motivation, I have no drive to continue. Since I talked about my apprehensions and concerns in my last post, I won't go into anymore detail.

Last week, I started a new medicine: Amitriptyline. Nasty side effects - irritability, nausea, diarrhea, dizziness, blurred vision. It's supposed to help me sleep but my experience so far is that it doesn't sedate me as much as I'd like, it still takes me 2 or more hours to feel sleepy and I wake up all throughout the night and have difficulty falling back asleep. It's an antidepressant so it should help with some of my other unwanted symptoms of depression, too. We will see... I'm giving it some time to see if it works well, once my body gets used to it. I honestly hope it does work. Stay tuned...

This doesn't make sense to me

8 weeks ago, I was on top of the world.... very busy, but feeling quite satisfied with my life. Now in the nursing program, and doing well at it, in a thriving relationship, and having family support. I truly felt that even though my life wasn't where I wanted it to be just yet, I was fulfilled. I felt content, even happy.

Suddenly, without any signs or symptoms, I fell into a depressive episode. At first, I knew it wasn't as bad as it could get so I wanted to prevent it from getting any worse. I started reading some books about recovery and even the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) and considered putting one of my own together "just in case" things got worse. Of course, after realizing how much work that would be on top of my studying and other obligations, I set that idea aside for another time... regrettably so.

Today, I find myself 8 weeks into a deeper depression than I've experienced in YEARS. My daily struggles differ... some days I struggle to just get out of bed, other days I manage to do that but can't go out in public because I'm too weepy. I cry at almost anything. There is plenty going on in the news to make me tear up and cry when my own thoughts aren't horrible enough. But the majority of the time I cry, it's because I hate the thoughts that come into my mind. Thoughts of dying, not having to live through this depression. I cry because as much as I want my life to end, I know that this feeling will eventually go away - or at least I hope it will - and I just need to hang on until the tide changes... but it's so painful, it's like torture to me to continue living through this.

I realize that very few can identify with this phenomenon. I have everything I wanted 1 year ago today. I'm preparing for my upcoming wedding to the man of my dreams, who deserves to be honored for his support during my weakest times such as these. I completed the first 1/4 of my nursing education and am only 1 and 1/2 years away from a new career. I don't - off the top of my head - think of anything that could have triggered this depression for me. I am confounded and even a little angry. Why me? I know all the tricks and I help other people get through their depression, I teach other people coping mechanisms - that I do employ myself - so this should be easy for me. If I cannot think my way out of it, what hope is there for me?

And that's it. I guess I feel hopeless. Will it end? Will I go back to being myself eventually? I guess I've had longer depressive episodes before, lasting months... but I don't want that to happen now. I can't imagine starting back up at school in January and having to deal with these feelings while trying to attend school full-time... in my mental health rotation, of all things. How am I going to learn to help others with mental illness as a nurse if I go into my education in that arena having a mental health crisis of my own?

I worry a lot. I find myself having panic attacks in the middle of the night, waking up in a confused, depressed state. I cry.... a lot. And I don't want anyone to see that. Because it's not who I normally am. I think about death and dying all the time. I want to die... all the time. The only excuse I can find to keep suffering through and holding on for the mood change is that I have a beautiful 10-year-old boy who would be left without a mother if I were dead. Sometimes I think the other reason I have to hold on is because I make that last statement known to other people... like some form of accountability comes from voicing my feeling of wanting to die. I do share my thoughts with others and I have to commend the few people who - in one way or another - reached out to me because they KNOW I'm not myself right now. I keep trying new things to change my situation. I haven't given up... yet.

I cry... and I cry... and I cry. It feels like an endless hell and nobody can feel it but me. What hurts the most is that I can't find a reason why I feel this way. There is no reason. I keep telling people that... if there was a reason, I could probably fix this and feel better. But there is no reason... I can't fix it... I'm just literally WAITING until it passes. And I'm growing SO TIRED of waiting. Sometimes it seems like that's all I ever do in life... wait. I'm not a very patient person but I think I've proven myself otherwise with how much I've waited for what I wanted in the past. It took over 3 years to be able to have a face-to-face conversation with the love of my life. That's a long time. Some people can't wait an hour... I had to wait more than 3 years!! And even though we are engaged to be married, it will be over a year before we live under the same roof. I feel like I'm going to go crazy before it finally happens. I worry about the wedding, about school, about where we will live, finding a job when I graduate... and so many other day-to-day things. I keep telling myself... these are just thoughts and a thought can be changed.

I really believed that talking about it would make me feel better. After all, that's why I finally convinced myself to blog about it. I think it keeps me real to any readers out there. I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after all, so I'm expected to have these undulations of mood. I've been blessed so far in the last 3 years with having mostly manic episodes which are productive, mostly happy, and VERY APPEALING compared to THIS, whatever this is that I'm experiencing now.

Christmas is less than 5 days away. Usually, my mood starts to suffer in mid-November and the depression peaks for me around Valentine's day then starts to pick-up around St. Patrick's day. And even though depression is a norm for me this time of year, it's far worse this year than the last three. I'm not saying that it's the worst it could be, but it's the worst I've experienced in a while... and I really thought (like a fool) that it was because I was managing my moods the best I ever have since being diagnosed. I just don't get it... But I guess there are counselors and psychiatrists who also get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder or Depression. I suppose I'm not the only person who thrived at life and then suddenly experienced a crisis.

I know life isn't fair and all of the other cute little anecdotes that people tell you to cheer you up when you're feeling down... but to tell you the truth, I really hate those cutesy little quotes. When people say those things, no matter how well-meaning they are - all I hear is "I can't possibly fathom how bad you feel right now but this is the best I can come up with." It's a waste of words, I guess. It doesn't make me feel any better... sometimes it makes me feel worse. I'd rather someone be really REAL with me and speak the truth. Maybe one day someone will surprise me and say "I have no idea what it's like for you right now, so there probably isn't much I can do to make you feel better." Instead of just thinking that and using it as a cop-out to just do nothing for me in my time of need.

I have so many thoughts that I cannot even blog about them all tonight. I'm just so weary... if you're reading this and you're a praying person, please pray for me. I do believe in prayers. I think it's the best thing anyone can do for me right now, because I can't even make sense of anything at this point. And if you do pray for me, please know that I'm not in a place to be thinking straight and I might not show my appreciation the way you want me to, but I DO appreciate you.

Unwell

This bout of depression brings about many sad days. Sometimes, I think I've found the trigger. Other times, I feel like I have no idea what I'm dealing with... when the depression is so overwhelming and my thoughts become so unlike "me." The thoughts can be so overwhelming that it takes over my entire day. The medicine doesn't seem to help. But then, maybe it's the cause?

In the past, when I was on meds back in 2004 and 2005, I used to get suicidal and I even had several attempts. I think the mood stabilizer is doing it's job and perhaps I'm just not used to the lack of ups and downs which has been the norm for me throughout my entire life. It is hard to adjust and maybe that's what is causing me to feel depressed so often... the lack of the mania, the high, that tricked me for so long into believing I was actually happy. Is it possible?

I just hope that it ends soon because it is taking its toll on me and I have no enjoyment and certainly no passion or drive. I cannot adjust, I refuse to adjust to THIS version of me. This is not what I want for my life. I DO want to level out my moods and get better sleep, not be so afraid all of the time, to lessen the anxiety and panic attacks... but I do NOT want to sacrifice a mere sense of happiness and my overall feeling of well-being. After all, as I've said before, if you don't FEEL well, you're simply NOT well.

You'd never expect it

You'd never expect it, but just about the time I feel like I'm getting really good at coping with my bipolar disorder, is when the whole thing comes crashing down on me. I've been feeling pretty confident in my coping skills and even talked on several occasions about my uncanny sense of purpose and confidence in general. Little did I know, it was mania in disguise!

What has my life come to, that confidence and a sense of purpose now have to be ogled and dissected...? I found myself sinking rapidly from a self-actualizing, coping individual into the deepest pits of depression since 2007. Why now? Everything seems fine in my life, I'm on the journey to fulfillment and have had several eye-opening "aha" moments in recent weeks. Maybe I haven't really been taking good care of myself, maybe I just thought I was... but I truly DID think I was doing the best I've done in recent years.

Today, I cycled rapidly through emotions from being excited about getting married to being seriously depressed without reason... from crying at everything and nothing at the same time to feeling utter numbness.

If there's one thing I don't like, it's the feelings that I experienced today. I had to keep reminding myself that I was making a choice on how to feel, that my feelings didn't control me. In my head, I shouted out loud "God please let me see the glass half full!!" because I was so desperate for positivity.

Well, tonight is a full moon... and that means that the intentions I set for myself are going to be the ones manifested under the full moon. So, I'm going to start setting MY intentions for manifestation. You can try the same, it's rather easy, and is a positive exercise for anyone and everyone at any point in their journey to self-discovery!


INTENTIONS

My life has purpose and meaning.
I will accomplish my dreams and even, beyond my goals, things that I cannot fathom possible at this present moment.
I am successful.
I am generous, kind, charming, and grateful.
I am beautiful and wise.
I am courageous and I never give up.
My endeavors are earnest and my labors are fruitful.
I am a blessing to all who meet me.
I will not hold a grudge and I will not judge.
I think before I speak and my words are uplifting and inspiring.
I am a vessel that God uses readily for His will and all of my works glorify Him.
I am flowering into that which God has intended me to be since before my birth.
I am patient on my journey and I am enjoying my life.
I take pride in myself and I nurture my finesse.
I admire my positive outlook on life and continue to simplify and thrive.
I am blessed beyond measure and dream about the great things yet to come.

Am I Imagining This?

When you live with bipolar disorder, you are constantly asking yourself this question.

People living with bipolar disorder typically experience periods in their life where their mood is dictated by the perceptions they have of the world and people around them.

For example, if you imagine that everyone in the cafeteria is staring at you and paying attention to what you say, do, eat... how do you react? Do you maintain a sense of poise and go about as normal? OR do you self-implode and feel anxious, guilty, afraid, or paranoid?

There can be some dire consequences and severe emotional disturbances for people dealing with a depressive episode. You may even experience anger or unrealistic rage during a manic episode. The bottom line is... there are eyes everywhere... and you feel like they are all on YOU!

I know from experience that my perception can drive my relationships into the ground... but quite honestly, it could also build them up... it all depends on how you MANAGE your BP.

When you manage your moods, instead of letting them manage you, you will find your reactions to be positive and your behaviors to be peaceful (with yourself and others). It is NOT easy, but it CAN be done! I am living proof!!!

So, tell me, how do YOU tell the difference between what is REAL and what is IMAGINED?? What kind of perceptions do you have that build or destroy your relationships with others?? Do you ever find yourself questioning what people really feel about you or how they see you/are they judging you?? Let's talk about it...

Please leave me a comment below!

Eloping...

I wanted to talk about one of the many periods in my life when I was experiencing a very strong, emotional crisis and seriously contemplated suicide. I was deeply depressed and not only contemplating suicide, but even planning it. I decided to elope - because I was fighting one of the toughest battles I had ever fought with myself and it was excruciatingly painful to experience that living with people who didn't understand what I was going through and who didn't CARE to understand what I was going through...

I am writing this post, not to give people creative ideas of their own, but because I am still trying to dissect and understand why I behaved in some ways. I also hope it will help at least one person to feel less alone in their distress.

Back in 2005, when I was 22 years old, I went through a series of rather rough crises. I was questioning my self-worth constantly and involved in a bad relationship. I also had just gone through gastric bypass surgery and hated my body - how it looked, how it felt, hormonal changes, etc. Everyday, I was fighting a losing battle with my inner critic. It didn't help that I perceived people around me to be my critics, as well. It drove my relationship into the ground and caused multiple domestic disputes. Among these, some that escalated to physical abuse.

Even at my worst, I was always apologetic. I realized just how guilty I was of pushing people away from me with my behaviors and suspicions. Unfortunately, that didn't redirect my jealousy or cause me to be challenged to change the controlling behaviors. I thought, if I could just control how someone felt about me, if I could just make the person like me more, they wouldn't disrespect me or treat me so foul. I was wrong. I would have been far better to consider my own thoughts & behaviors, rather than worry about how others were treating me. If I had done so, I would have eloped from the situation completely and spared my own emotions from the harsh distress that ensued.

Because I did not separate myself from the situation, leave the bad relationship, move away from an abusive partner, get help for my controlling behaviors and past abuse, I became something I did not like... I became a type of aggressor, allowing people to mistreat me because they convinced me that I deserved it. I felt absolutely unlovable and their input made me go into a downward spiral, making my self-worth nearly obsolete. As I seriously questioned life and my purpose in it, I eloped.

I wanted to make an impression, I wanted to catch people's attention. Therefore, when I eloped, I really didn't plan on coming back. Unlike when my father abandoned me, I left behind everything that a person deems important.

I took off on foot, and decided that I didn't even need my credit cards, car keys, house keys... I didn't realize it (my partner told me), but the day I left everything in my room was left untouched, as if I was just gone to the store, except that my purse, keys, and car were where you'd expect them to be if I was just somewhere in the house.

When my partner returned home, he was very confused and noticed the cat had gotten out. He saw my car and thought I was home but didn't notice my purse and cell phone until hours after I was missing. He admitted thinking the worst and was somewhat worried, but he went about his regular routine, hoping I'd just show up eventually. He didn't know where I had gone or why. I didn't leave a note. I just left. But he never admitted (at least not to me) to pursuing me or trying to find me.

I walked 2 miles to a local hotel where I planned to spend a few hours before making any rash decisions. I had with me 2 oranges, my cash, my license (for identification of my body) and my favorite cutting knife (the one I used to use when self-mutilating). My idea was to go to the hotel, eat the oranges, and decide by the second orange if I was going to kill myself. I cried so hard for several hours... and I couldn't even break into the first orange. I didn't want to die. I just didn't know what else to do...

I laid in bed and cried, the hotel staff banged on the door, but I didn't answer. I didn't want them to break down the door, so I stopped crying. I sat in stunned silence for what seemed like years... hours passed... I laid on top of the blankets, with the knife in my hand, waiting for what would seem like a good time to do it. I kept thinking about my life, in retrospect, and how I got to where I was. I felt like this was one of my lowest moments. The times I had attempted suicide before weren't much different. What hurt the most was that nobody could see how much I was suffering, how much I WANTED to get help but couldn't... I felt trapped in my body and I just wanted out.

I cried silently for the rest of the day until I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was just after midnight. I spent that entire night thinking, reminiscing. I felt guilty because I had a son that I didn't want to leave behind. I thought about what would be explained to him about his mother's death. I felt so much pain at just the thought of it. I knew that he would have his father to take care of him, because we were divorced and my son was living with his father... but I didn't want to abandon him the way my father abandoned me. I cried some more...

That night is a blur, I felt so weak from not eating and I slept off and on in-between crying jags.

The second day, I paid for the hotel again. I managed to get myself down to the office. They asked about the crying, I reassured them that everything was okay but I really just needed to be alone to deal with my depression and didn't want my family to see me this way. That didn't seem to alarm them at all, I went back to the room and sat. And I thought to myself... that was awkward, embarrassing, but not all that difficult to do. I felt a glimmer of hope. If I could pay for the room, maybe I could eventually leave the room and return home. I didn't know how or when... I didn't WANT to return home. After 2 days, I had no phone contact with anyone, I hadn't reported in to my waitress job so they fired me, and I had no reason to go home. Nobody was looking for me, nobody really knew I was gone. But I felt like, because I had just 1 reason to live - my son - that I would return home and face the consequences of eloping.

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that moment in time where my mind was able to THINK that through. When a person is suicidal, it becomes very difficult to think clearly. This is why we hospitalize them and try to give them time to think. Unfortunately, when people forced me into Passages years ago, that's not what happened. I didn't THINK through why I needed to live, I thought through why I wanted to die. When I eloped and took it seriously, thinking about what I wanted to do and why, it really was an eye-opener. The experience felt empowering, reinforcing of the resilience that I possess, and reassuring that I was making a better decision to stay alive.

When I returned home, my partner did not eagerly welcome me. He was furious, cruel, threatened to leave me, and harassed me about all of the reasons that I wanted to kill myself - telling me that I was the only reason that people treated me badly because I deserve it and I allow it to happen. Ironically, he was one of those people that treated me badly, I just didn't see it that way then. I bought every line easily and took every hit to my ego.

I still suffered through multiple crises and it contributed to the demise of that relationship (which, looking back, would have been better if it happened sooner). I used to feel guilty about all of the happenings surrounding the dissolution of the relationship. I was brainwashed to think that I was absolutely unlovable. But instead of DEATH, LOVE made a way out.

Previous to this experience, I had met the man who will soon be my husband. He was always very good at prodding me to think about how God sees me and judges me. He is quick to remind me that God made me fearfully and wonderfully in HIS image. He never entered a personal judgment or told me what he thought of me... it was only a sincere attempt to get me to center my focus on God and His promises. I am so blessed to have such a person in my life, who was able to be self-less and keep his own opinions to himself, pointing me in the right direction. I would not have lived if he wasn't a part of my life. And, largely, I owe my life to him... because of what he has done for me, what he has facilitated to happen through me.

I want every day of my life to be just as inspiring to others as he has inspired me. I pray that our future together will bring about HOPE and LOVE to people who feel hopeless and unlovable. I truly hope that YOU who are reading this feel the love that I have for you... I understand... I've been there... depression can be deep, but YOU CAN work your way out. The next time you feel like killing yourself, I encourage you to elope to a safe place to think seriously about the FUTURE, about POSITIVE things in your life. Don't dwell on what COULD HAVE BEEN, or what SHOULD HAVE BEEN... but what MIGHT BE!

I may not always be available, but I'm always willing to listen when people need someone because I know what it meant to me to have that ONE PERSON who unconditionally showed me love and respect, understanding, and directed me in the right thought paths. Find THAT ONE PERSON you can count on... and if you have nobody... remember that there are people waiting around the clock to listen, who have been through some similar circumstances - depression, suicide attempts, victims of violence - and they are ready to help if you only REACH OUT!

NOTE: It's okay to elope, but when you feel severely depressed and suicidal, PLEASE reach out! There are people who are highly trained to help direct your thoughts when you are unable to harness your own mental power. Do not underestimate the help that can be achieved by calling the numbers below:

Nationwide Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)

National Crisis Help Line
1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433)

Depression Hotline (Suicide Prevention Services of America - Batavia)
1-630-482-9696


I wrote this post in loving memory of my nephew, Dylan James Wagner, whose 18th birthday would have been today, October 21st. He took his own life on April 28, 2010 at the age of 15. I only wish he had thought to elope or reach out for help...

Forgiveness

For too many years, I harbored hate, fear, and anger that I didn't even know existed.

I remember as a child complaining that you never gave me any gifts. I also remember the day you came home with a cheap, plastic pony and threw it on the floor in front of me and said "Don't say I never got you any presents."

I remember the time you were brawling with my older brother in the kitchen, banging his head against the cupboards, all because he came home and asked what was on TV. The blood was gory... it made me so sick that I threw up that night. Mom was torn between helping me in the bathroom and making sure you didn't kill Michael.

Another time I felt much worse - I felt like dying - the day I watched you choke my mom until she was purple in the face and almost dead. If not for the town cop, you would be in PRISON FOR LIFE for first degree murder...

You did murder something that day, but not my mother (Thank God)... you killed the last part of me that cared about you. Sure, I was afraid of you, who wasn't? But I knew I couldn't grow up in this same house, in that same environment. Something had to change. I wanted you gone. So, I started to pray... 8 years old and praying that my father would mysteriously vanish from thin air... and guess what... when you did 2 years later, I rejoiced!

Then you tried to contact me when I was an 19 years old, tried to make sure I didn't blame you for the horrible things you did. You tried to pretend you were your own sister, chatting with me on messenger, telling me that my mother filled my head with horrible things about you... that none of it was true. None of it was true?

I can still smell the plastic of the TV flipper that I used to stare at to distract me from the agony your penis was putting me through. I remember how you smelled, the smell of your cologne makes me sick to this very day.

You stalked me when I worked as a waitress. I can't believe you had the nerve to come sit in my section and let me wait on you. You're lucky my husband at the time didn't come confront you, I wonder what you would have said. I was actually pissed at Michael for ruining it for Georgie and I, I wanted us to come see you on Father's Day in LaSalle County Jail... but I guess you and Michael had some words. I hope it changed something, because I was pretty upset that it happened. I wanted MY chance to make peace with you.

Then, years after you tried to make me forget the memories, they came flooding back, as real as the day it happened. I woke up vomiting profusely. I never wanted to speak your name again. I felt dead inside. I didn't want another man to touch my body because you had defiled me. I felt like I needed to protect myself because I didn't want anyone else to hurt me the way you hurt me. I wouldn't get close to anyone, I couldn't allow myself to feel intimate.

But I grew past it, I said I forgave you although I would never forget. I really thought I was okay... I really believed I would get past it that easy.

When I was 25, you denied that I'm your child. You said you want a paternity test. I call your bullshit. You are supposed to be an adult, a mature individual. Now you don't want to pay the child support for the 13 years that you skipped out... You make me sick... and sometimes you make me laugh... how COULD I be yours when we are so different?!?!?!?

I decided a long time ago that you would never be a part of my life. You will never look at, hug, or talk to your first grandchild. He will never know who you are.

But that isn't enough. After you gave me so much torture, pain, agony, the sexual abuse that has followed me throughout my entire life... my ex-husbands suffered in our marriages thanks to you and I've suffered for the last 21 years with the guilt that no child should ever have to endure. You are a pitiful excuse for a human being. You gave me fear, doubt, anger...

And my gift to myself is... forgiveness. Because I am done trying to make sense of it. I am done trying to forget it. So, I forgive you. "Forgiveness is an act of self-love" (~don Miguel Ruiz). I can't change what you did, I will never be able to do that. But, I forgive you because I WILL move on and I will grow past this. I have a loving man in my life now, who understands what you put me through, and he does everything to make sure I won't experience this pain again. So, I forgive you. You didn't love me, that's for sure, but plenty of people do... and even if there was no single person that loved me... God does. He made me in HIS image, not YOURS (THANK GOD) and I will live out my life being forgiven by Him for the wrongs I've done so it is my duty to also forgive you.

It has been said that "forgiveness is not forgetting an injustice done; it is the understanding that allows us to set aside the emotional impact of that injustice pertaining to ourselves. When we no longer hold these emotions, and have understanding for the person, we have forgiven them."

Even though it hurts to admit it, you and I are not really that different after all. We've both done wrong things in our lives. We've both incurred debts to God and sinned against his Holy nature. And the best that either of us could ever be is just FORGIVEN. So, I forgive you. I release you from the punishment I wished upon you for so long. And, in doing so, I release myself from the anger, fear, and pain you pushed onto me so many years ago. I forgive you.

My Developing Theory About Modern Cases of Bipolar Disorder

As many people know, I have been developing a theory of my own about bipolar disorder. These days, it is so readily diagnosed in the U.S. I do not disagree with the diagnoses, per se, but I do believe that there are 2 ways the illness can perpetuate throughout society: genetically and through social conditioning.

Social conditioning manifests a wide variety of symptomology and, much like the Pavlovian theory of classical conditioning, it is a "phenomena characterized by a process of inherited tradition[s] and gradual cultural transmutation[s] passed down" (WIKIA) including how we react (or desist from reacting) to stressors.

Considering all things equal - how an individual learns to cope with stress is just as much a learned trait as brushing our teeth daily, how to enjoy music, what kind of music we like, etc. We all fall subject to the conditioning of our parents as children, and as adolescents and young adults, we are also heavily influenced by our cohorts. As adults, we inherit the right to make our own choices. The sad fact is that at this point, most of us have either made the choice to CHOOSE our habits & behaviors or merely CONTINUE in the habits & behaviors we were conditioned from birth.

This does not necessarily mean that we should continue to BLAME our parents for our continued mistakes. On the contrary, as adults, we have the choice to change our attitudes, alter our habits, and modify our behaviors.

However, as a parent, I realize how important this is for my parenting style. What I teach my child - how I teach him to cope with disappointment plays a LARGE ROLE in his social and psychological behaviors and habits. Therefore, he will learn how to cope in ways that I am modeling. If, the second I face an unsettling circumstance, I become immediately upset and react to the situation, he will learn to do the same. If I take a few deep breaths, mull over possible outcomes and choices, and then exercise my right to make a choice (rather than just getting flustered and angry), I am modeling good coping skills for him to learn.

My theory is that there are SO MANY people diagnosed with bipolar disorder NOWADAYS because we live in a society where people want it "my way or the highway." This kind of thinking has led us to be a "throwaway generation" where we view ideas, things, and people as replaceable and not having any real value. This way of thinking has conditioned our children to be less tolerant and, in turn, less able to cope with disappointments.

I'm not trying to take away from the fact that bipolar disorder is a genetic disease passed down from one generation to another, usually from the mother to the child. I am, however, encouraging you parents out there to take immediate action and consider the difference you can make in your child's life!

As a parent, please take seriously the manner in which you deal with disappointments! If your child does not learn from you, who will teach them? And whether you are actively teaching them or not, you are modeling behaviors for them that will shape their future choices and behaviors. Does this make you question your habits and priorities? I hope so. Make a difference in the life of your child and perhaps we will save one person from being diagnosed with a "conditioned" mental illness.

Encouragement on the Last Day of my 1st Clinical Rotation

As I embark on the last day of my first clinical rotation, I reflect back to how much work it took to get into the nursing program.


I worked my BUTT OFF to get into this program. The countless hours of studying, reading, memorizing, testing, practicing... the CNA course alone was torturous! Now that I am here, I have felt like giving up quite a bit. I keep telling myself what everyone else is telling me, "One day it will all be worth it."


Of course, that's so cliche and it doesn't resonate well with me. But there are other sentiments, that follow, that do resonate well with me.



"This is just the first step in a long journey toward my ultimate goal."

"This period is one of great learning opportunity, do not take it for granted."

"Enjoy every day, every challenge because tomorrow there will be a new challenge that is just as daunting and having conquered this one will make me more able to conquer those that follow."

"Take time for yourself and your family, you deserve it!"

"Don't stress out over a B or C grade. It's the actual LEARNING and APPLYING KNOWLEDGE that matters most!"

"Many others have succeeded at this nursing program, and I will, too!"

Make a "Here for Life" pledge!

Information coming soon...

NAMI Walks

Please consider supporting my team with a donation!  Click on the link below to be re-routed to the fundraising web page:

NAMI Walks

School Days...

*Disclaimer: This post is extremely long and potentially boring.  I suggest you read it in increments & digest it section by section.*

It's that time of year again. Oh, Academia! This time, it is even more important for me to hone my study skills and coping skills... I am in the nursing program! Even before getting diagnosed with ADHD, I experienced severe symptoms such as inability to pay attention (especially during long lectures), distracted by environmental factors such as movement & noise, racing thoughts/repetitive thoughts, test anxiety, trouble writing accurate lecture notes, blurting things out in class that were sometimes appropriate/sometimes just downright annoying, and a lot of difficulty while reading (no comprehension, shaking text lines, grogginess).

I have learned a lot of small things to do over the last two years to help cope with some of these unpleasant experiences. Keep in mind, these worked for me but that does not guarantee they will work for you. The key is to FIND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU and then use it. How do you know what will work? Trial & error, my friend! These tips should help you in your journey... (1) Evaluate your difficulties; (2) Strategize & implement your plan of action; (3) Re-evaluate the effectiveness of your strategy; (4) Revise your plan of action; and last - but certainly not least, (5) Prepare well by practicing good self-regulating/self-management skills.

Going through this process of continually assessing how well your strategies work and developing new or improved strategies will help you with turning desired behaviors into habits, provide you with more skills, and hopefully proffer improved outcomes.   To get you started... think about what it means to YOU to be successful.

As far as I'm concerned, success can mean a lot of things - not JUST a good final outcome.  Managing your symptoms in order to learn a single, new concept is just as much a success. That leads me to my first, and most important tip: celebrate even the seemingly small victories! Sometimes, what may seem like a small victory, is in fact a very laborious task to complete or obstacle to overcome.  People struggle internally SO MUCH that it affects how they cope with their external environments. To overcome the internal struggle and ignore the inner critic can be an overwhelming task. Kudos to those of you who DO it, day in and day out. 

Always remember to CELEBRATE your successes no matter how small.

Stay organized...

DETERMINE YOUR LEARNING STYLE/PATTERN

• Visual learners usually need to SEE things to learn them. Color-coding your notes by topic can help with this. Rather than just seeing words on a page, you can transform your handwriting into a visual cue for memory recall.
• Example: you are taking a class in biology and you are studying various body systems - use a different color for each body system - write your notes about that body system in its respective color. You can also utilize an anatomy coloring book and transfer the same color-coding concept over to that study tool.

• Auditory learners usually need to HEAR things to learn them. Recording lectures and listening to them later can help you retain important information. These type of learners may also increase their reading comprehension of the textbook by listening to the audio version of the text.
• Example: many auditory learners can appear as if they are unattentive in class because they are so busy writing notes that they do not have any eye contact with the teacher; however, these learners have an increased ability to retain information they've heard even better after writing it out (the use of multiple senses to consolidate memory). These practices aid in memory recall & benefit the learner greatly.

• Kinesthetic learners usually need to DO things to learn them. These learners have a much easier time learning concepts that they can put into practice immediately. Application of learned knowledge increases their ability to retain it.
• Example: learning about the body systems in a lab setting and being able to identify them on a classroom chart will garner a more profitable learning experience for the kinesthetic learner. Performing manual tasks immediately following their instruction helps solidify the knowledge given and using gestures can be a prompt for key terms & related information.

You can read more about the 3 main learning styles here.  Or you may want to take a free learning inventory put together by the University of South Dakota found here.  There are more than 3 learning styles and you may want to take some time to explore the others or take another free learning styles inventory at the Learning Styles Online website.  Most college assessment centers, academic counselors, or centers/labs for developing study skills have access to these types of inventories and may provide for you them at no cost if you ask.

ASSESS YOUR STRATEGIES

• RECITATION & THE AUDITORY LEARNER

• The use of charts can be extremely helpful while studying.  Visual learners & auditory learners typically benefit from these visual aids.  Beyond just seeing a diagram, auditory learners may prefer to speak, or recite, each of the components of a diagram, chart, or model.  Doing so can increase the pathways in the brain that lead to this fact or idea.  Multiple pathways for a single piece of knowledge are essential in producing a strong memory recall.

• When using flashcards, say the words out loud.  Quiz yourself and answer the questions verbally.  

• When learning to pronounce a new key term, look at yourself in the mirror while saying it correctly.  Record your professor pronouncing the word appropriately and listen to it repeatedly.  Record your own voice as you pronounce difficult key terms and listen to it through headphones while you sleep.

• Read your study guide aloud.  Read your textbook aloud.  Listen to your textbooks on audio or use the Read Aloud function of Adobe Reader.  There are great e-book features that are extremely helpful for the auditory & visual learner.  Additionally, there is software called ReadWrite10GOLD available that can read almost ANYTHING on a computer screen or paper document.

• Sing a song with the words in your textbook as the lyrics.  Or think about a song that relates to the concept you are learning and listen to it or sing it as you study.

• Use mnemonics.   Make things even more memorable by creating an anagram with the first letter of each word you have to remember in a sequence.  For example, in anatomy & physiology, the 12 cranial nerves can be remembered by utilization of this fun mnemonic:

Oh, Once One Takes The Anatomy Final, Very Good Vacations Are Heavenly!

O - Olfactory                          ( CN I )

O - Optic                               ( CN II )

O - Oculomotor                      ( CN III )

T - Trochler                            ( CN IV )

T - Trigeminal                         ( CN V )

A - Abducens                         ( CN VI )

F - Facial                               ( CN VII )

V - Vestibulocochlear             ( CN VIII )

G - Glossopharyngeal              ( CN IX )

V - Vagus                               ( CN X )

A - Accessory                         ( CN XI )

H - Hypoglossal                       ( CN XII )

• Find creative ways to incorporate your sense of hearing into your studying habits.  It can be extremely powerful and only YOU can determine which tactic is the most effective for you.

• VISUAL AIDS & THE VISUAL LEARNER
• Diagrams work well for most visual learners.  There are many types of diagrams and charts available through bookstores or on Amazon.com.  Some are laminated for durability and contain a lot of valuable information that can prove helpful in the study process.  I recommend BarCharts brand - they have a HUGE variety and have always been very helpful to me.

• Of course, it is always more beneficial to make your own charts, diagrams, outlines, and flashcards.  The process of physically creating something with your hands that you are visualizing in your head or viewing from another source creates multiple pathways in the brain.  These strong interconnections may prove helpful when preparing for exams that cover a large amount of material.

• Beyond just color-coding, visually mapping out how concepts are related can be as helpful as the picture stories that accompany most assembly instructions.

• Use pictures whenever possible.  Take photos of diagrams that your teacher draws on the board.  Take pictures of models in the lab or dissections (anatomy).  Take video footage of dissecting various parts of an organ or animal (anatomy).

• Rewrite lecture or lab notes.  Spruce up your notebook with appropriate pictures.  For example, if you are studying the human brain, you may want to take some pictures of the various lobes of the brain, label them accordingly, and incorporate them into your study session.

• I highly recommend a dictionary or medical dictionary with a lot of pictures for the visual learner.  Mosby's is my personal favorite!

• If you need to learn medical terminology, diagnostic testing, or body systems, I also suggest Mosby's textbook by Chabner.  It has interactive activities to test your knowledge as you read through the textbook chapter by chapter.  It is easy, fun, and HIGHLY effective for visual & kinesthetic learners.

• Anytime you need to learn a table of information, it is ALWAYS helpful to recreate the table.  Make a poster, hang it up in your room, glance at it every morning and every night.  Before you know it, your mind will have mapped photographic memories of the information on the poster.  After some time, even if you still find the content somewhat difficult to master, you should be able to recreate the table from memory.  This can be helpful during test-taking, when you need to recall the information under a great deal of stress!

• HANDS-ON EXPERIENCE & THE KINESTHETIC LEARNER
• Kinesthetic learners learn by doing.  Using tools, writing, drawing, touching, feeling, handling... as much as you can, try to touch the models utilized as visual aids.  While reading, follow along with your finger touching the page.

• Squeeze a stress ball during lectures.

• Re-draw pictures, diagrams, charts, and tables.  Try color-coding them!

• Find items to represent the study topics you are focusing on and then group them accordingly (example: marshmallows, gumdrops, legos, marbles, or toothpicks).

• Demonstrate actions with your body - get up and move!  Listen to audio books or recorded class lectures while you are on the treadmill.

• Use a burst-resistant ball instead of a regular chair.

• Keep a zen garden in your study space.  You may also want to keep other textured items within reach of your study area.  For example: a small sand bag, bean bag, or smooth pebbles to hold.  Stimulating the sense of touch will help your brain function better so that the information coming in will consolidate and have more connecting pathways for later recall.

•  TEACHING SOMEONE ELSE WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW TO SOLIDIFY IT
  
• The best way to learn something is to teach it to someone else!  Whenever possible, and without letting the person confuse you, try to pair up with someone who is interested in learning the concepts you are currently studying.  Explain a process to them, define key terms, or demonstrate the parts of a diagram or model.  Write a brief e-mail to yourself about the topic and read it at a later time in the same day.  See how much you could remember from memory and try revising it with new information and resending it/rereading it again.  Talk to your partner, friends, or family about what you are learning in class.  It might not always interest them, but it will ALWAYS help you learn the information more solidly.

• DEVELOPING YOUR OWN STUDY GUIDES
• There are many study guides out there that can be bought but it is always better to develop your own study guides.  Here are a few major reasons: (1) You can tailor the information on the study guide according to the topics your specific teacher is going to address on each test; (2) You get to MAKE the study guide with your hands which is an alternative learning opportunity that increases the likelihood you will remember the information; (3) You can incorporate any appropriate pictures, color-coding, or tables that are specific to the information being covered on your exam.

• THE USE OF DIAGRAMS, CHARTS, & OTHER VISUAL AIDS
• I highly recommend coloring books for anatomy classes.  I recommend Netter's or Kapit/Elson's.

• I've also personally used flashcard apps for medical terminology, the top 200 drug names, and bones of the body.  There are some wonderful iPod & iPhone apps out there that will quiz you on anatomy & physiology, biology, chemistry, math, vocabulary, physics, etc.  (See a list of my recommendations below)

• In addition to apps, there are some wonderful tools/toys for learning chemical bonding & other science topics from www.ein-o.com  There are 3D models you can build when learning how DNA is made.  I recommend K'NEX, National Geographic, or Ein-o's kits which you can purchase from Amazon.com or find more by clicking here.

• YouTube has a lot of video resources for learning.  You can find one about DNA transcription here.  You can also find wonderfully helpful cat dissection & A/P lab exercise videos here.  

• APP RECOMMENDATIONS FOR ANATOMY & HEALTHCARE PROVIDER COURSES

*As with all apps, if they offer a Lite version for free, TRY THAT OUT FIRST.  You might not like the way the app works but with the Lite version you can try it out before committing to a pricey purchase you might regret later.

AnatomyMapp by Books of Discovery

Top 200 Drugs

Stedman's Medical Terminology Q&A

3D Brain

Epocrates

Chemical Safety Data Sheets


Speed Bones

Speed Anatomy

Quizlet

MANAGE THE MESS

The more organized you are, the more likely you will be to get something accomplished.  I have met so many people who have commented that it is too difficult to concentrate when you are sitting in the middle of a catastrophic paper mess.  Unfiled paperwork, misplaced writing tools, unkempt quarters... all contribute to distraction and inevitably procrastination.  If you experience ADHD, you fully comprehend how subconscious this process can be.  I am no stranger to this phenomenon.  If my study space is cluttered, it feels like my brain is also unorganized and I find it nearly impossible to concentrate.  Do your best to simplify by any means necessary.  Purge, shred, or donate what you do not need - whatever you have to do to get your space in order!  Plan on doing this well in advance - before you sit down to study - or you may find yourself losing valuable study time in a crunch.

Learning tools & books.

Make sure that you know where to find everything.  Any time I rearrange my room and move items to a new "home," I find myself forgetting where I put them or losing them altogether.  Place items logically so that you can find them when you need them in a hurry.  Label things if necessary but, most importantly, be consistent.

STUDY SPACE

One good rule that should guide you in how you decorate your study space: surround yourself with things that will draw you into the study space - things that make you happy, things you like to see, things that motivate you, things that remind you what you are there to do.  For example, I am very fond of owls.  I found this adorable vase at Michael's in Peoria.  It called my name, practically sold itself!  It is quite possibly the cutest owl "thing" I have ever seen.  Therefore, he shares my study space.

As silly as it sounds, these tactics DO work.  I feel drawn to my "zen space" (as I commonly refer to it).  Something else I've put in my space - I have been collecting wine corks for the last 3 years.  While the amount of corks I have collected is no real accomplishment, I do enjoy the simplicity of the vase that houses them.

My intention was to create a mandala to hang on the spot above "FOCUS" but I ran out of time and I am not well-versed in mandala creation yet.  It is a project postponed for a later date... but in the meantime, I found a lovely symmetrical, mandala-like mirror at Kohl's!  In addition, I was able to find a stencil at Hobby Lobby that I think is quite interesting... it reminds me of a lotus flower in full blossom.  I painted and bedazzled the cork board and, with the uplights & glitter, it gives a magical feel to my space.

I handmade each of the letters of the word FOCUS and the beaded string that hangs them.  I could have bought a poster or merely stenciled the letters on the wall, but instead, I invested a lot of time and energy into making this piece because it will serve as my inspiration in the months ahead.  Plus, having created it myself gives me great satisfaction!

The uplights were purchased at IKEA, as well as the lamp.  Seeing these recalls a fond memory of a shopping trip with my fiancee.  Even when I am studying, I can feel his ambient presence and I find that to be very comforting and supportive.

Utilize your space for multiple purposes (i.e., studying AND motivating)

You may notice a small cup on the left of the printer.  It contains scented beads that gently arouse my olfactory senses while I study.  I also use aromatherapy - a custom blend of essential oils for mental acuity & stress-reduction.  I purchased them at Naturally Yours Grocery in Peoria, but you can get 100% essential oils locally, too.  Note: it is important that they are 100% ESSENTIAL OILS.

I chose sweet basil + sweet orange essential oils (equal parts).  I find that the orange can be overpowering, but since the sweet basil seems to get strong over time, eventually the smell of the individual oils balance each other to create a powerful aromatic experience.  I can definitely say that it has a remarkable impact on my abilities when I utilize it during study. 

You can also use a carrier oil and apply your concoction topically.  As your body absorbs the oils, you will receive the same benefits as you do with just the aroma.  The associate at the grocery store assured me that you can even ingest them to get the benefits, but do so with caution.  Some essential oils are more potent when ingested and may require close monitoring of dosage.

As with any herbal supplement, vitamin, or over-the-counter drug, consult your physician before use.

Some people have adverse and/or allergic reactions to essential oils.  For example: a person diagnosed with ADHD could demonstrate severe side effects after being exposed to certain oils.  Concomitantly, other essential oils provide excellent benefits for people diagnosed with these same disorders.  Example: Vetiver is said to successfully settle brain waves for children with ADD/ADHD.  Read a blog about it here. 

The solar plexus chakra responds well to Juniper oil.  I talk more about the solar plexus below (under the heading "Meditation").  Regardless of how effective the oils are, it is no substitute for being well-rested.  Anything that aids in alertness is potentially counterproductive when it's used too close to bedtime.

In other words, be wise about WHEN and HOW you use aromatherapy.

CALENDARS & REMINDERS

There are many technology advances that can benefit the serious student.  Students with hectic schedules or huge course loads need to learn to efficiently manage their time.  Even the busiest students can become much more organized and stay on schedule by determining WHICH calendar works best for their needs and then USING IT consistently.  There are tons of planners out there - wall calendars, pocket calendars, PALM pilots, BB, desk planners, student planners, etc.  I choose to focus on a few of the choices that I have considered and that I do use on a daily basis.

I choose to use Google Calendar because I can make it visible to family & friends so they know where I'm at if they need to contact me or if they want to know why my phone rings off the hook when they call.  My family & friends can also invite me to see THEIR calendar so we can match up free time and get together.  Also, I can sync it with my iPhone and anything I add into my Google Calendar from ANY internet browser will immediately sync up with my iPhone.  You can also sync the calendar to your iPod touch or other device.  I'm not sure about the Android capability yet... but I will be trying it out soon.

I know some people, including college faculty, who prefer Microsoft Outlook Calendar.  However, you must set all of your appointments from a single computer because your device will sync with what you add to the computer's local desktop rather than a universally accessible webpage.  For example, if you use MS Outlook on your laptop/desktop pc at home, then you cannot login on a campus computer to add in a new appointment or exam date.  You have to wait until you have access to the same exact laptop/desktop pc at home (or in your backpack) to add the appointment or exam date.  In my opinion, this is somewhat of a dysfunctional feature.

I like that I can access my Google Calendar from ANY computer that has internet access or even from the browser on my iPhone or wi-fi ready e-readers!  It is MUCH more convenient than Outlook in that respect.

Other options include using your Yahoo e-mail account's calendar feature or if you prefer paper, you can always print out these blank calendar pages, 3-hole punch them, and slip them in your binder!

iPhones themselves have an app called "Reminders" that you can set to remind you of important dates, events, or tasks to be completed.  I frequently use my "Notes" app to make short lists of things I need to do for a project or ideas I have for a research paper.  However, I rely  most heavily on voice reminders through an app called VoCal XL (XL version is free, link below is full version that can be purchased for $4.99 ).

Here's a run-down on how the Voice Calendar works: you record a reminder to yourself, however long you want it to be, and set it to go off at a certain time/date and how often you want it to be repeated.  On that set time/day, the app will send a push notification about the reminder and if your phone is not on silent mode, it will announce through speaker phone feature that you have a voice reminder and then it will give you the opportunity to listen to it or view it.  It will keep reminding you until you tell the app to stop reminding you.  It is such a wonderful app!  I tend to forget to drop off the mail... even though it sits on the seat next to me... so when that voice reminder goes off and I'm in the car driving toward home, I can make a pit-stop at the post office to drop that mail in the drop box.  I love it!

Full Version of VoCal Voice Reminders App

SCHEDULE THE TIME TO READ OR STUDY

Much like other things in life, if you do not schedule the time to devote to studying or reading, it will most likely not be done.  How many times do you catch yourself thinking "I totally forgot about this test.  If only I remembered it on Saturday, I could have spent more time studying!"  Sometimes, we get so busy with other things and we demote reading and studying to the bottom of our priority list.  Have you ever heard the phrase "you get out what you put into it?"  It isn't just a cliche!  Keep in mind that how much you learn doesn't depend on how much time you study.  Study effectively!  Be wise about HOW you study and it should take you less time to accomplish the same goal.  TAKE THE TIME TO STUDY rather than promising to make the time.  One thing I have learned is that when you intend to "make the time" for things, you rarely accomplish them but when you "take the time" for things (which involves great sacrifice and the skill of prioritization), you are much more likely to get them accomplished.

Be careful about WHEN you schedule these kind of tasks. Scheduling study/reading time too close to bedtime, too early in the morning, or after a long lecture can guarantee grogginess and inability to absorb information adequately. Studying for too long of a stretch can also result in fatigue. I have found that studying/reading after a brief period of physical exercise and in an environment that has lots of space to spread out, easy access to food, a bathroom nearby, and SOME background noise is preferable.

I like to vary the times when I study.  Creating a routine and studying at the same time/place may work very well for some people. I have found that structure IS very important in studying. However, when I frequent the same places because of comfort, convenience, ease, or routine, I find myself getting TOO conditioned to the environment and I have trouble concentrating on my task. Example: when I feel TOO comfortable, I'd rather slack off and relax than get down to business. For this reason, I do not read in the bedroom or immediately after waking or near bedtime unless my intention is to put myself to sleep.

THE POWER OF INTENTION

Set your intention for each study session. Decide what topic you want to cover and be wise in the use of your valuable time. Hold yourself accountable for what needs to get done.  Sitting down to study with no predetermined plan of action can lead to being easily distracted. Have you ever sat down in front of your computer before writing a research paper and find yourself surfing the web or (worse yet) facebook? Notice how fast time flies when you give your attention to anything other than your studies! It is an easy trap to fall into... manage your time by defining what topics you intend to study or learn in the time that you have allotted. Then make GOOD USE of the time you have.

MEDITATION

Meditation aids in concentration and provides a form of universal support to the student.  There are many forms of meditation: prayer, yoga, guided imagery, traditional meditation, solitude, pramayama, etc.  If you are new to meditating, you can find great information on the internet to assist you in beginning your journey toward enlightenment.  I found a powerful video by the amazing artist Robyn Nola on YouTube full of visualizations to bring peace to your mind, body, and soul.

Meditation empowers you to take control over your thoughts and the flow of energy through your body.  Studies in energy healing have demonstrated great promise in facilitating the balance of energy flow, known as the life force or chi.  Each individual is intricately unique and the flow of energy is ever-changing for each person.  Example: From hour to hour, I may have a chakra, or energy center, that is more active than another.  Thus, the flow of my life force is imbalanced.  This is not always undesirable: energy flow concentrated at one of the centers can aid in life processes such as learning.  When I am studying, I want my Manipura chakra (also called the 3rd chakra, solar plexus, or navel chakra) to be more engaged because it is the chakra that allows mental acuity & control.  Therefore, I bathe in the color of sunshine and my mantra of choice is the word "FOCUS" in an effort to keep that chakra open and allow energy to flow more freely to this center.

Read more about chakras & energy healing here.

There are many apps that equip you with options on-the-go when you have 5 minutes or more to meditate.

I recommend this one: Cleveland Clinic Stress Meditations

FEEDING YOUR BRAIN

This can mean a variety of things from snack foods you choose to munch while studying to the music you play.  Music is a great way to feed your mind while you are studying.  Find a helpful YouTube audio/visual here.  There is a lot of research into the whys & hows of the effects of music.  One prime example are binaural beats.  Read the excerpt below from Chronicle Books, the publisher of the famed book "Get High Now."  Or get the app here.

"When two tones of specific frequencies are played through headphones, the brain can become confused and produce its own, imagined tone—a three-dimensional audio hallucination heard only within the head of the listener. The frequencies that produce this phenomenon are known as Binaural Beats.

What is happening is that the brain is not used to hearing frequencies in each ear so close together and with such intensity—these sounds do not occur in nature and so a mechanism in our brains has not evolved to understand them. Instead, the superior olivary nucleus, the area of the brain which controls aspects of three-dimensional sound perception, bridges the difference between the varying frequencies in Binaural Beats with a common “third tone” in an attempt to normalize this audio into something we can understand. What’s weirder is that each person hears the “third tone” differently: People with Parkinson’s disease can’t hear it at all; women will hear different tones as they move through their menstrual cycle.

Binaural Beats were discovered in 1839 by Prussian physicist Heinrich Wilhelm Dove (1803 – 1879) but they didn’t gain much public interest until the early 1970s. Then, scientist Gerald Oster postulated that the brain wasn’t solely affected by Binaural Beats. He tested this theory with fMRIs and found he was right. The neurological system as well as other parts of the body responded to the frequencies."  (Chronicle Books)

The binaural beats explained above are specifically designed for relaxation, not study.  But there are a multitude of binaural beats used for concentration & focus.  Try this one, which has a visual component, that I found on YouTube. Or you may also go to the Healing Beats website to try free samples - there are MANY types of binaural beats for all sorts of occasions, intentions, & moods.  Plug in your earphones and vibe your way to a better grade!

Power snacks that I typically use are cashews, almonds, goji berries, blueberries, protein bars, KIND bars, Z-bars, raisins, dark chocolate ( >60% cacao), grapes, Master Crunch crackers, fresh green peppers, sliced turkey in a whole grain pita pocket, yerba mate (Brazilian green tea), pomegranate juice, and chocolate covered acai berries.

Nuts are always a great option for snacking when studying because they are not messy, they provide protein that you need to maintain proper brain functioning, and it is much healthier than candy or processed junk munchies because of the Omega-3 fatty acids that your body needs.  An added bonus to munching on cashews - a conservative handful per day will help alleviate depression and anxiety.  Check out this Web MD article or this slideshow about superfoods.  Melissa Feinberg from examiner.com explains the importance of carbohydrates while studying:

"When eaten without protein or fat, carbohydrates provide a soothing effect to the brain. The glucose from the carbs provides the fuel the brain needs to energize you. Avoid refined carbohydrates like white bread, pastries and pasta though, as they cause lethargy. Instead, stick to starches and sugars in the form of grains, legumes, fruits and vegetables."

Tryptophan, an amino acid responsible for serotonin production in the brain, has been said to have a profound effect on positive mood, perceptions, relaxation, and brain functioning.  There is one catch - the body cannot readily make this amino acid - therefore it must be taken in through your daily diet.  Read this article from Psychology Today if you are interested in learning more.

MANAGING YOUR FIDGETS

Most of us cannot sit still for very long.  This makes long lectures almost miserable.  ADDitude Magazine has a few helpful articles with many ideas of how to decrease fidgeting and increase productivity.  One article suggests some manipulatives that can be used to help focus attention.  These are a real help to me in lecture.  I am a pen-clicker - sometimes a knee-bouncer.  These things might take place subconsciously, but even if we do not distract ourselves, we are sure to distract others with behaviors like this.  I use a stress ball and squeeze it under my desk to help alleviate some of the "need" to fidget during lectures and seminars.  This article explains how it works!

Another ADDitude Magazine article speaks directly about cutting down on distractions while doing homework.  Although these articles address parents of children with ADHD, you will find that the strategies work very much the same for adult ADHD as well.  Here is yet another article about paying attention.  

KNOWING WHEN TO TAKE BREAKS

A secret to productive studying isn't reading until your eyes fall out - it's knowing when to take breaks - bathroom breaks, food breaks, mental breaks, stretch breaks, power naps, centering, meditation, etc.  On average, for every 50 minutes you spend with your nose in the books, you should spend 10 minutes being physically active.  This allows your brain to function more clearly and keeps you from becoming bored or too sleepy.  For some people, 50 minutes is too long of a stretch to study.  Do what works for YOU.

Depending on the subject I'm studying, I might have to give myself a mental break every 10 minutes.  But that doesn't mean I study for 10 minutes and take a 10 or 20 minute break!  It's all relative... if I study for 10 minutes and I start to feel mentally fatigued, I might get up and stretch for a minute and look in the mirror or go to the bathroom or get a drink of water.  Then I go back to studying for a while... maybe 30 minutes will pass and I start to "space out" so I get up and turn on some music and dance like my pants are on fire for 3 minutes.  Then I go back to studying for a while... maybe 20 minutes later I need a quick mental break so I look at my calendar and see what's on the agenda tomorrow or look for a funny video on YouTube.  I try to allow myself breaks without getting off-track.

Remember: stick to your schedule and get the job done - but be gentle with and forgiving of yourself, too.  Practice deep breathing for those days when it just "doesn't stick" and remember that geniuses aren't born - they are made!

Below is a great app I found that aids in taking short breaks that can be very relaxing and help you regain focus.  Some guided imagery can help you refresh your mind and ease the mental strain experienced during vigorous study.

Take a Break!

During lectures...

 

HOW TO AVOID GIVING YOUR ATTENTION TO DISTRACTIONS

The best way to avoid getting distracted is to be proactive in your approach.  Take note of things that typically distract you and actively avoid those things.  In a classroom setting, if the movement of people around you causes you to lose focus and your mind to wander, sit near the front of the classroom or in the front row to minimize how much of the action you can readily see.

Choose to sit away from the door so the outside noises and activity do not interfere with your concentration.  For me, this tactic alleviates half of my battle!  I find myself constantly saying "I need to make sure that nothing comes between me and the learning."  This is not only true of me, but when I repeat statements like that, I am reinforcing the concept that I need to be at the head of the class with sound reason.  This prevents any negative feelings associated with the circumstances.

You should never feel ashamed or guilty that you are easily distracted.  It happens.  But it is up to YOU to take control... nobody else knows what goes on in your head while you are sitting in class.



LISTING

Another way to reduce distractions is to relieve yourself of racing thoughts.  I commonly have this problem when I feel like I have so much to accomplish in a day... which is almost every day!  I fear that if I focus on the new information I'm hearing in class, I will forget all of the little things I have to do.  It is far better to make reminders for yourself so that you can remove those thoughts from your mind without the fear of forgetting them later on.  I keep a lot of lists... a list of things I need to get done ASAP, a list of things I need to get done in the near future, a list of assignments, a list of things I need to do in the long-term, a list of things I need to do at home, a list of people I need to call, a list of people I need to e-mail, a list of items I need to buy at the store, and all sorts of other lists....  These are very helpful because I find that when I write things down, I am not afraid I will forget them later, and my mind is freed up to concentrate on the lecture.

Reading assignments...

KEEP YOUR DICTIONARY HANDY

When I am reading and I come across a word I do not recognize, I look it up.  It takes less than a minute and taking the time to understand what that word means may mean the difference in understanding a concept you are trying to learn.

Many textbooks rely on CONTEXT to teach certain topics.  Especially in difficult coursework, context can change the entire meaning of a passage.  It is important to interpret written information carefully and look for contextual clues to the meaning of words and phrases.

Be wary of cliches, analogies, and idioms!  Cultural diversity may play a role in the misinterpretation of written information.  When in doubt, look it up!

I frequently utilize Dictionary.com to clarify spelling, definitions, and synonyms/antonyms.

For medical terminology, I use Mosby's Medical Dictionary, Stedman's Medical Dictionary, or MedTerms.com

BOOSTING READING COMPREHENSION & RETENTION

The key to comprehending what you read is as simple as being "in the present moment" while you are actually reading.  We humans have become incredibly good at multi-tasking!  In fact, scientific studies show that people who are diagnosed with ADHD have a greater capacity for multi-tasking as a result of having to use less brain computing power for the dominant task.  The more knowledgeable we are about a particular task (the more we have completed the task) and the less novel the task (the more familiar we are with the process of doing it), the more likely it is for our mind to wander while we are doing the task.

Be aware of HOW you read.  Meditate before beginning if it helps you clear your mind.  Metacognition is a powerful self-evaluative tool that can help you learn how to meditate and give honor to your thoughts.  Being attentive to your thoughts and setting aside time to honor them during meditation and PRIOR to sitting down to read will free your mind from repetitive processing.  Freeing up your mind for new information is very conducive to the learning process.  Introducing new information to a cleared mind will promote comprehension and retention.

 

Exams...

DEEP BREATHING

Your body, including your brain, needs a rich supply of oxygen to function well.  Most people believe they breathe adequately because it is a natural process that we do not have to think about to do.  However, controlled breathing is much more beneficial to the human body.  It can reduce stress levels, alleviate anxiety, replenish nutrient-deficient body tissues, and many other health benefits.  You can learn a variety of breathing exercises and patterns, but the key is to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!  Do these exercises at home and be ready to use deep breathing as your "go-to" coping strategy on exam day.

I recommend that you read about Dr. Andrew Weil's breathing exercises or read MindTools' article about deep breathing and the relaxation response.  Decide which one works best for you and practice it very often.  Practice deep breathing even when you are not in a stressful situation!  It is quite beneficial for your overall health & well-being.  Below is an app that helps you regulate your breathing and learn breathing techniques & rhythm.

Breathe2Relax

TEST-TAKING DO'S & DONT'S

DO: Get a good night's rest before the day of the exam.  I know you have been told this since elementary school, but there is actually a lot of value in resting.  Not only does your body heal when you sleep, but it also consolidates memory.  Every day, when you learn new things, the memory of that information is stored temporarily in your short-term memory.  This works much like a computer's random access memory (RAM).  Information stored here is available for a short period of time for easy recall.  When you sleep, your brain consolidates that short-term memory into your long-term memory.  Therefore, if you are skipping this important step, you are risking losing all of the information you have gained that day.  Lack of sleep also creates physical problems that interfere with brain functioning, such as a decreased ability to process new information & mental/physical fatigue. 

DON'T: Cram the night before the test.  This strategy ONLY works well if you are coherent enough during the exam to refer to your short-term memory.  However, trying to cram a lot of information into your brain in a short amount of time without ample rest may cause issues when you need to recall those facts for a comprehensive exam at the end of the semester.

PHYSICAL ACTIVITY & BRAIN FUNCTIONING

Exercise has many benefits.  Aside the obvious physiological benefit, and the recently researched psychological benefit, there are also cognitive benefits from exercise.  According to Dr. Edward Hallowell, a writer for ADDitude Magazine (by New Hope Media), "[E]xercise is one of the best gifts you can give to your brain as an adult with ADD/ADHD." Although this particular article speaks to the benefits of long-term exercise regimens, there is also great value in brief periods of physical exertion daily, including memory gains and increased brain functioning.

Exercise boost endorphin release and gives the individual an overall sense of well-being.  Elevating your heart rate momentarily can give you the jolt you need.  This research article is a great read with information about the many benefits of exercise!  And this is a shorter blurb from LiveStrong.com about how to boost endorphins.

Please take caution if you have any health concerns: consult your physician before starting ANY exercise regimen.  My blog is not a replacement for the advice of your healthcare practitioner!

Motivation...

DEVELOPING SELF-AWARENESS

It never hurts to plan head.  Determine what inspires and motivates you.  Ask yourself, "Why do I want to achieve my education?  What are my career goals?"  Set both short-term & long-term goals for yourself.

Don't know where to start????  Try taking a FREE web-based interest profile here.  Learning about your personality, abilities, interests, and how it matches up with careers can help you decide what you really want to do with your college degree.  If you already know what you want to do or what career is most appealing to you, try this resource to determine a plan of action.  (Find even more resources at the very end of this blog post)

Whatever it is that YOU WANT to do, set your intention to bring it to fruition.  It has been said that the only thing that truly prevents you from achieving your goals is yourself.  I have met some very inspiring individuals who have overcome immense obstacles to achieve their goals.  Their tenacity has motivated me to continue on my own journey.  YOU can do it, too!

We all have talents that are unique to our being.  We may not all be able to do the same things, but we all have abilities that can be used for the greater good.  I remember the words of Edward Everett Hale: "I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything; but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do."

POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS

Positive affirmations are positive thoughts about ourselves and the world around us.  Affirmations are a type of declaration that attracts positive energy.  Affirmations are most effective when used consistently.  While most people resort to affirmations when they are feeling unmotivated or lack self-confidence, positive declaration statements are especially uplifting even when our spirits our already high.

For every 1 negative thought we bring into existence, it takes 7 positive thoughts to replace it!

Humans carry on a great deal of self-talk and our inner voices can be quite critical.  It is detrimental to your whole being to be constantly bombarded with negative thoughts about yourself and your environment.  Therefore, positive affirmations are necessary to healthy emotional balance and daily mental functioning.  Robyn Nola is an incredibly gifted artist who creates breath-taking affirmation art, photography, & other supportive items.  Check her website out or view her Pinterest boards.

INSPIRATION BOARDS

Photo inspiration board - reminds me of the people that are depending on my success or who are there to support me when I need it.  I move pictures around between a few of my boards every semester.  I typically add things that induce positive memories of friends who were supportive in the past.  Even if we are no longer able to give support to each other, it reminds me that every teacher, classmate, or acquaintance has the potential to impact my life positively.

Constant reminders of why I need to accomplish my goals - my upcoming wedding & married life!

I am currently putting together a few boards at Pinterest.com so I will be encouraged to save positive affirmations for later recall.  They can serve as reminders of what your goals are, who is supporting you, and how far you have come in your journey.  The best part - Pinterest is FREE!

Another great option which also provides a great deal of social interaction and peer motivation is Facebook.com  *WARNING: Facebook is highly addictive - use responsibly!

Miscellaneous resources...

 

 The Purdue Online Writing Lab (OWL)

NoodleTools (formerly Noodlebib) - $15 yearly subscription for individual use

NoodleTools Express *FREE VERSION*

Quizlet

Johns Hopkins' Bloomburg School of Public Health *FREE OPEN COURSEWARE*

Harvard Medical School *FREE OPEN COURSEWARE INITIATIVE*

YouTube EDU

Salks Periodic Table

Dynamic Periodic Table

Study Guide Zone

Gliffy

NCDA

CareerPath.com

Kuder

Riley Guide

Quintessential Careers

Neurodevelopment: Unlocking the Brain

Neuroscience & Anxiety

Memory Consolidation & Learning

Geniuses Are Made, Not Born

Intelligence: Brain Size Matters, But So Do Connections