I’m not feeling very well lately. It’s like I’m jumping out of my skin...a feeling that my body will explode at any moment!! My heart is racing and my mind can’t stop overthinking things. Over analyzing is driving me nuts and making me think I’m going insane.
I've also been varying between this intense feeling and severe depression. A depression so deep that my thoughts have been suicidal and had urges to self-harm on several occasions. It's sad because I feel like a hypocrite due to my career in psychiatric nursing. Am I taking on too much of my patients' burdens?? Or am I just so broken that I can't help myself in ways that I help others??
While I can identify some triggers for my intense emotions, these triggers are unavoidable, so it's unlikely that the situation will change any time soon. All I can change is how I react to these situations... and that's just fucking hard. Even more sad, I know for a fact that I've over-reacted and over-analyzed on too many occasions to count and lost absolute control over my behaviors at times. I've had breakdowns at work - one was very embarrassing and witnessed by my boss. I feel guilty and humiliated for having these occurrences/relapses but all I can do is forgive myself and keep moving forward. Far easier said than done.
I know there must be millions of people out there who can identify with my feelings and thoughts. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
Sunday, August 2, 2020
Saturday, June 20, 2020
Anxiety & Irritability
Does anxiety make you irritable? It certainly can. Irritability is just one of the many ways that anxiety manifests. And it's absolutely true for me.
The problem with that is people don't often recognize irritability as a manifestation of anxiety. I have been accused of "just being a bitch." And while my personality borders on the bitchy side, my anxiety definitely contributes to that. I think the difference between someone who is bitchy is that they choose to be that way. With anxiety, you get no choice. It's a knee-jerk reaction - an over-reaction - to the environment due to the internal stimuli. It can take an insurmountable amount of time to master the skill of controlling your reactions when anxiety is at play.
What people see is someone who cannot keep her cool, is always yelling, and has no compassion. What they cannot see is what's going on inside of my head. They don't know that I'm actually suffering a painful existence with the alternate reality that my anxiety has created. It's as if someone is following you around constantly reminding you of every possible disaster that could happen, making you question everything in the environment. Am I going to die? Is my child going to fall off the balcony? Will I lose my job if I call in sick, even though I'm actually sick?? All of these thoughts and more bombard me from moment to moment, every single day of my life.
So, if I ever come across to you as rude, cold, indifferent, angry, irritable, distant, restless, or a combination of any of those, please know that it's not you (or at least, I hope it's not you). It's me. And chances are, I know that already. And I guarantee you that I'm trying! Please be patient with me and give me some grace. Thanks in advance!!
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Med trial
So, I'm still slowly tapering off of one medication which I've been on for a long time. And I'm increasing my dose of the new medication. I haven't noticed a change so far but we shall see. My nurse practitioner also changed my sleep medication to a longer-acting med to see if that will keep me asleep at night because I've been waking up between midnight and 2AM wide awake with anxiety!
This is just a reminder that meds often need to be tweaked. Whether it's because your body has grown tolerant to a certain medication, your body chemistry has changed over time, or because of circumstances that cause you to be especially triggered, such as in an acute episode. I think my situation is a combination of all 3 of those things and I'm hoping these changes will garner results.
In my blog, you will notice that I don't mention names of medications I'm taking. That is not because I'm secretive or don't want my business out there. It's intentional. I don't like to recommend medications to people because 1. another person's body might not respond to a medication the way mine does and 2. I'm not a doctor and cannot prescribe medications to someone.
While it's great to be knowledgeable about the options out there and it's a good idea to bring your own ideas to your provider, some providers may find it offensive when you recommend a treatment for yourself. But it's best to be your own advocate! When it comes to mental health, you cannot afford not to be aware of the options for treatment. You should be just as much a partner in the decision-making as possible.
This is just a reminder that meds often need to be tweaked. Whether it's because your body has grown tolerant to a certain medication, your body chemistry has changed over time, or because of circumstances that cause you to be especially triggered, such as in an acute episode. I think my situation is a combination of all 3 of those things and I'm hoping these changes will garner results.
In my blog, you will notice that I don't mention names of medications I'm taking. That is not because I'm secretive or don't want my business out there. It's intentional. I don't like to recommend medications to people because 1. another person's body might not respond to a medication the way mine does and 2. I'm not a doctor and cannot prescribe medications to someone.
While it's great to be knowledgeable about the options out there and it's a good idea to bring your own ideas to your provider, some providers may find it offensive when you recommend a treatment for yourself. But it's best to be your own advocate! When it comes to mental health, you cannot afford not to be aware of the options for treatment. You should be just as much a partner in the decision-making as possible.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
L. O. V. E.
Sunday was my 7th wedding anniversary! Mmmmm love. I am SO blessed to have a loving, supportive husband. When I'm suffering with mania, he is never quick to judge and when I'm in the depths of depression, he is there with me, to be with me and show me I'm not alone.
That's the kind of relationship I wish everyone had. I know there are a lot of unhealthy relationships in the world and it's so much harder with the prevalence of mental illness. Quite unintentionally, I make it a lot harder for my husband to continue to show me unconditional love. But that does not make me unlovable!! Frankly, it's the nature of the beast.
Over time, I have been able to adapt and rein in a lot of my wild fantasies about what a relationship should look like. I had always imagined a person who would be there with me, to walk beside me, to be a comforting force in my life. But I had never witnessed that in real life so I thought it was all just a dream, a fantasy.
Growing up with an abusive father was torture. Not just because of how he treated me, but because of how I watched him treat my mother. I had always vowed never to be in a relationship as manipulative and controlling as the one I witnessed everyday. I was actually relieved when he abandoned me at the age of 10. He set the bar so incredibly low, that when I started having relationships of my own, I had no idea what I was looking for.
I made some big mistakes in my past, ones that shaped my future, ones that haunt me every day. Most of them stemmed from bad relationships! That's not to put the blame on my counterparts... a relationship is two-sided, not one.
It came as no surprise to my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because he said (and I've done some research) that it's very common among young women who were molested or abandoned as children. That violation of trust early on can lead to a sense of loss and loneliness that carves deep wounds into the soul of a child. BPD manifests as the "I hate you don't leave me" syndrome. You are prone to behave in ways that push your loved ones away, but once they're halfway out the door, you realize you don't want to do life without them and struggle to get them back. I've learned as I've grown to recognize this trait that developed as a defense mechanism. It's your mind's desperate attempt to avoid being hurt or feeling that deep sense of abandonment. It's counterintuitive though! Sometimes, I have come to realize that defense much too late and sent my relationships (even with the good guys) into a tailspin that would undoubtedly end in heartache.
Until I met my husband, that is...
When I met my husband, I learned what it really felt like to be loved for who I was, not my diagnosis. Having well known my past (because we talked about everything), he was able to understand the motives behind my behavior. He understood that I sometimes act out of the need to protect myself, self-preservation. He knew I'd try to put up walls to keep him out and that I would refrain from being vulnerable to him when I felt like things could come crashing down on me. He learned that I would try to push him away before he could hurt me. And he knew better than to abuse me, belittle me, or desert me like my father had. He knew how to love me.
What I find amazing about my husband is that he actually learned a healthy way of loving despite not having a mother. He didn't get to watch the love between his father and mother blossom as he grew up. Yet, somehow, out of all of the tragedy in his childhood, he was able to learn to be a loving person, and how to be loved in return. That was also something I have struggled with over the years - and still do - to just let someone love me. Until I met my husband.
When I met my husband, it was like meeting someone that only existed in my dreams. He's sweet, cute, funny, kind, loving, jovial, respectful, responsible, and just in general a good guy. He's everything you could want in a counterpart, with none of the ugliness I had experienced before. I am beyond blessed to call myself his wife.
And sometimes that simple fact is what drives me. It fuels my love for him, yes, but also fuels my love for myself. If he can see me for who and what I am, and still love me, then I must be someone worth loving. Right? That's how my relationship with God began, too. Much in the same way, I learned in the Bible about God's love for us and how He sees us, knows everything about us, knows our strengths and our weaknesses, and still chooses to love us.
Love is a choice.
I choose love for my husband every single day. I know he does the same for me. My husband has been nothing less of a constant reminder of God's love for me. And I'm so grateful to have a godly husband to look after and take care of me... in sickness AND in health. That means I don't just count on him to be there for me when I'm depressed or manic. I am continuing to learn how to be faithful in love to him in the good times, too. When it's easy to say "I got this on my own" and hit the road... I don't. I know that he will also struggle from time to time, not unlike other human beings who are living and breathing. It's my duty to be there for him in sickness and in health, too.
That is hard. Because when you're mentally ill, specifically with BPD, you tend to set the focus on yourself - what you need - not what someone else needs. You have to learn to set that defense mechanism aside. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your counterpart. In doing so, you learn a lot about yourself. And in doing so, it makes you a lot more likely to love in the purest fashion.
I could go on and on about how wonderful my husband is, but here's the truth: it takes teamwork. To manufacture a strong, healthy relationship, it takes two separate people willing to set aside their separate preservations and commit to supporting each other fully in order to become one. Sounds so simple, but it's anything but simple. Even the best people have imperfections. There is no perfect counterpart, just two imperfect people who learn together how to love each other, who choose daily to love each other, and who remain faithful to that L.O.V.E.
I am always happy to share that I am still completely, wholeheartedly, and unimaginably in love with my husband. Cheers to 7 years!! Here's to making it last!
That's the kind of relationship I wish everyone had. I know there are a lot of unhealthy relationships in the world and it's so much harder with the prevalence of mental illness. Quite unintentionally, I make it a lot harder for my husband to continue to show me unconditional love. But that does not make me unlovable!! Frankly, it's the nature of the beast.
Over time, I have been able to adapt and rein in a lot of my wild fantasies about what a relationship should look like. I had always imagined a person who would be there with me, to walk beside me, to be a comforting force in my life. But I had never witnessed that in real life so I thought it was all just a dream, a fantasy.
Growing up with an abusive father was torture. Not just because of how he treated me, but because of how I watched him treat my mother. I had always vowed never to be in a relationship as manipulative and controlling as the one I witnessed everyday. I was actually relieved when he abandoned me at the age of 10. He set the bar so incredibly low, that when I started having relationships of my own, I had no idea what I was looking for.
I made some big mistakes in my past, ones that shaped my future, ones that haunt me every day. Most of them stemmed from bad relationships! That's not to put the blame on my counterparts... a relationship is two-sided, not one.
It came as no surprise to my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder because he said (and I've done some research) that it's very common among young women who were molested or abandoned as children. That violation of trust early on can lead to a sense of loss and loneliness that carves deep wounds into the soul of a child. BPD manifests as the "I hate you don't leave me" syndrome. You are prone to behave in ways that push your loved ones away, but once they're halfway out the door, you realize you don't want to do life without them and struggle to get them back. I've learned as I've grown to recognize this trait that developed as a defense mechanism. It's your mind's desperate attempt to avoid being hurt or feeling that deep sense of abandonment. It's counterintuitive though! Sometimes, I have come to realize that defense much too late and sent my relationships (even with the good guys) into a tailspin that would undoubtedly end in heartache.
Until I met my husband, that is...
When I met my husband, I learned what it really felt like to be loved for who I was, not my diagnosis. Having well known my past (because we talked about everything), he was able to understand the motives behind my behavior. He understood that I sometimes act out of the need to protect myself, self-preservation. He knew I'd try to put up walls to keep him out and that I would refrain from being vulnerable to him when I felt like things could come crashing down on me. He learned that I would try to push him away before he could hurt me. And he knew better than to abuse me, belittle me, or desert me like my father had. He knew how to love me.
What I find amazing about my husband is that he actually learned a healthy way of loving despite not having a mother. He didn't get to watch the love between his father and mother blossom as he grew up. Yet, somehow, out of all of the tragedy in his childhood, he was able to learn to be a loving person, and how to be loved in return. That was also something I have struggled with over the years - and still do - to just let someone love me. Until I met my husband.
When I met my husband, it was like meeting someone that only existed in my dreams. He's sweet, cute, funny, kind, loving, jovial, respectful, responsible, and just in general a good guy. He's everything you could want in a counterpart, with none of the ugliness I had experienced before. I am beyond blessed to call myself his wife.
And sometimes that simple fact is what drives me. It fuels my love for him, yes, but also fuels my love for myself. If he can see me for who and what I am, and still love me, then I must be someone worth loving. Right? That's how my relationship with God began, too. Much in the same way, I learned in the Bible about God's love for us and how He sees us, knows everything about us, knows our strengths and our weaknesses, and still chooses to love us.
I choose love for my husband every single day. I know he does the same for me. My husband has been nothing less of a constant reminder of God's love for me. And I'm so grateful to have a godly husband to look after and take care of me... in sickness AND in health. That means I don't just count on him to be there for me when I'm depressed or manic. I am continuing to learn how to be faithful in love to him in the good times, too. When it's easy to say "I got this on my own" and hit the road... I don't. I know that he will also struggle from time to time, not unlike other human beings who are living and breathing. It's my duty to be there for him in sickness and in health, too.
That is hard. Because when you're mentally ill, specifically with BPD, you tend to set the focus on yourself - what you need - not what someone else needs. You have to learn to set that defense mechanism aside. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your counterpart. In doing so, you learn a lot about yourself. And in doing so, it makes you a lot more likely to love in the purest fashion.
I could go on and on about how wonderful my husband is, but here's the truth: it takes teamwork. To manufacture a strong, healthy relationship, it takes two separate people willing to set aside their separate preservations and commit to supporting each other fully in order to become one. Sounds so simple, but it's anything but simple. Even the best people have imperfections. There is no perfect counterpart, just two imperfect people who learn together how to love each other, who choose daily to love each other, and who remain faithful to that L.O.V.E.
I am always happy to share that I am still completely, wholeheartedly, and unimaginably in love with my husband. Cheers to 7 years!! Here's to making it last!
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
A big blue hump
Today, I'm in a slump. It's a bit of a big blue hump day for me. But I realized around 1pm that I had forgotten to take my morning meds. I hate when that happens (and it doesn't happen very often). I have come to recognize that when I'm feeling a bit down it's because I've forgotten. Or something has triggered me - one of the two.
I want to speak to those of you who do take daily psychiatric meds. As of 2016, 1 in 6 Americans take some form of psych meds. And while that's an alarming amount, it's probably not nearly enough considering that 1 in 4 (adult) Americans suffers with a mental illness. This does not include adolescents and children (and yes, they too take psych meds).
I find that people tend to feel ashamed of not only their diagnosis of a mental illness but also their need to take psychiatric medications. I want to be the first to say - THERE IS NO SHAME IN TAKING PSYCH MEDS. In fact, I'd rather take psych meds than not... BTDT!
There are a lot of factors to consider when taking psych meds.
Below is a list of some of the common detractors:
Side effects such as nausea, weight gain, and adverse reactions (among others)
Inconvenience (time of day is not ideal, etc.)
Cost (some psych meds cost more than $1k per month!)
Route (oral - difficulty swallowing, injection - fear of needles/pain)
Stigma
There is a genetic testing that will now help identify some medications in each class which *might* work well for you. There isn't a lot of research about it, but what's out there looks somewhat promising. The test is completed by collecting an oral swab sample and sent to a lab for processing. The test is generally not covered by insurance, although more and more insurance companies are covering it these days. Most people report that they paid approx. $300 as their portion and the insurance covered the rest (it's a very expensive test).
This is good news for those who do not want the hassle of the trial and error that often comes with introducing psychiatric medications as part of the treatment of a mental illness. I suggest asking your psychiatrist or nurse practitioner about your options for genetic testing and if it is a service they provide.
As for me, I will spend this dreary, rainy evening in reflection. Reflection is a great coping skill and helps to problem solve for future episodes. While today is not a depressive episode (after all, it's just one day), I am feeling a little blue so some self-care and Chinese food are definitely in my future!
I want to speak to those of you who do take daily psychiatric meds. As of 2016, 1 in 6 Americans take some form of psych meds. And while that's an alarming amount, it's probably not nearly enough considering that 1 in 4 (adult) Americans suffers with a mental illness. This does not include adolescents and children (and yes, they too take psych meds).
I find that people tend to feel ashamed of not only their diagnosis of a mental illness but also their need to take psychiatric medications. I want to be the first to say - THERE IS NO SHAME IN TAKING PSYCH MEDS. In fact, I'd rather take psych meds than not... BTDT!
There are a lot of factors to consider when taking psych meds.
Below is a list of some of the common detractors:
Side effects such as nausea, weight gain, and adverse reactions (among others)
Inconvenience (time of day is not ideal, etc.)
Cost (some psych meds cost more than $1k per month!)
Route (oral - difficulty swallowing, injection - fear of needles/pain)
Stigma
There is a genetic testing that will now help identify some medications in each class which *might* work well for you. There isn't a lot of research about it, but what's out there looks somewhat promising. The test is completed by collecting an oral swab sample and sent to a lab for processing. The test is generally not covered by insurance, although more and more insurance companies are covering it these days. Most people report that they paid approx. $300 as their portion and the insurance covered the rest (it's a very expensive test).
This is good news for those who do not want the hassle of the trial and error that often comes with introducing psychiatric medications as part of the treatment of a mental illness. I suggest asking your psychiatrist or nurse practitioner about your options for genetic testing and if it is a service they provide.
As for me, I will spend this dreary, rainy evening in reflection. Reflection is a great coping skill and helps to problem solve for future episodes. While today is not a depressive episode (after all, it's just one day), I am feeling a little blue so some self-care and Chinese food are definitely in my future!
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
An unwanted guest!
Let's talk about it. Nobody wants to be diagnosed with a mental illness. Even the best of us cringe at the thought. Like an unwanted guest who shows up out of the blue and takes over, ever-demanding, sucking the life force out of you. It drains you of your mental acumen and makes you feel helpless and, at times, hopeless. It latches on to your meninges like a parasite and conjures your worst nightmares. Like an all-consuming fire, it suffocates you until you can't breathe (sometimes very literally). And all I want is to be freed from this aberration which has made me a slave to my thoughts and feelings.
Try as you might, and as supportive as you believe you are, you cannot convince me that mental illness is a good thing. Am I a good person? Possibly. Am I a good mother? The jury's out on that. Do I have a good heart and a sharp mind? Yes, I believe I do. But am I a better person because of my mental illness? Most definitely not.
I will still go on to achieve things that most people won't bother to try. I will still show up for my children and be there to support them. But the ugly truth is that I'm facing each new day with a crippling, invisible disease. Mental illness kills... in every way possible.
You can tell me that most people with mental illness are intelligent, artistic, and have high IQ's. I. Don't. Care! I find that when people tell you it's OK to be diagnosed with a mental illness, it's because of one or more of the following:
1. They are ignorant on the subject;
2. They are minimizing your pain and suffering;
3. They are unsupportive in general.
Yes, some people do so unintentionally because they truly want to be supportive. But stop. Please. Just stop it.
Do not get me wrong... there is nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to mental illness. And I take stigma-busting very seriously. Which is why I want EVERYONE to understand that this is not something I asked for. My episodes are not something I am proud of. I am a whole person aside from my illness and I desire only to be seen for those qualities. I absolutely dislike feeling the way I do and I do not appreciate unsupportive "advice."
You may find this post offensive or harsh... and you are 100% entitled to your opinion. Feel free to comment below! But this is my blog and I'm spilling my heart out for all to hear. If I could have 3 wishes, you can bet one of them would be to free all those who are diagnosed with mental illness from their unwanted guest!
Try as you might, and as supportive as you believe you are, you cannot convince me that mental illness is a good thing. Am I a good person? Possibly. Am I a good mother? The jury's out on that. Do I have a good heart and a sharp mind? Yes, I believe I do. But am I a better person because of my mental illness? Most definitely not.
I will still go on to achieve things that most people won't bother to try. I will still show up for my children and be there to support them. But the ugly truth is that I'm facing each new day with a crippling, invisible disease. Mental illness kills... in every way possible.
You can tell me that most people with mental illness are intelligent, artistic, and have high IQ's. I. Don't. Care! I find that when people tell you it's OK to be diagnosed with a mental illness, it's because of one or more of the following:
1. They are ignorant on the subject;
2. They are minimizing your pain and suffering;
3. They are unsupportive in general.
Yes, some people do so unintentionally because they truly want to be supportive. But stop. Please. Just stop it.
Do not get me wrong... there is nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to mental illness. And I take stigma-busting very seriously. Which is why I want EVERYONE to understand that this is not something I asked for. My episodes are not something I am proud of. I am a whole person aside from my illness and I desire only to be seen for those qualities. I absolutely dislike feeling the way I do and I do not appreciate unsupportive "advice."
You may find this post offensive or harsh... and you are 100% entitled to your opinion. Feel free to comment below! But this is my blog and I'm spilling my heart out for all to hear. If I could have 3 wishes, you can bet one of them would be to free all those who are diagnosed with mental illness from their unwanted guest!
The Impact of Bullying
I started writing this post in 2013 and never finished it because I felt it was too personal. But I promised myself I'd be real with my readers. So, here it goes...
I'm almost 40 years old and I find myself daily recalling traumatic events that happened in my childhood. One in particular is that I was ridiculed, ostracized, and humiliated at school. I can remember one particular individual who made my life at school very fearful but there is no denying that, being different from my peers and it being public knowledge that there were problems at home, it greatly affected my elementary school experience.
I remember feeling like I had no friends, despite my attempts to get close to people. I always felt lonely and even when I was included, it was only so that I could be mimicked and made fun of.
It's not as simple as "letting it go" or "moving on." The effects of bullying are devastating and often lead to a lifetime struggle with self-identity and contributes to a negative self-image. It is only recently that schools are taking bullying more seriously. And even then, the "zero tolerance" policies at school are often not enforced. Instead, they blame the victim.
While I am saddened about the prevalence of bullying and I feel like I personally will never fix the damage that was done... I tell myself that I AM LOVED and I AM NOT UNWORTHY. I AM NOT A LOSER or a FAILURE. Sometimes, you have to speak love to yourself because if you don't, you will never dig your way out of that hole the bullies put you in.
I want to encourage you to listen to this song by Mandisa. I do not own the copyright to this music, I am sharing the video in hopes that it will lift someone's spirits.
Compassion
Sunday was an interesting day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just happened to be in an "okay" mood. I got triggered by some small arguments but otherwise, I was feeling pretty fine.
Church was very inspiring! I have to say, God does not make mistakes and Sunday was no exception. Pastor Clayton's words spoke to my heart! He preached from the Psalms, my favorite book of the Bible... and I was very grateful for his message. If you have 40 minutes, please take the time to watch his message posted below. I'm hoping it will inspire you, too!
God's compassion has never failed me! I might not see what is to come, but God has walked that road before me. I am in desperate need of compassion. We need more compassion in this world. Being the body of Christ, it is our responsibility to pass this same compassion on to our brothers and sisters... to our neighbors and friends... to all of God's creatures.
I love the illustration that Pastor Clayton gave... it's like Christmas morning and you don't get a gift, but a note that says your gift is in the mail and on it's way to you. A wonderful, amazing gift! And that's why we should never stop thanking and praising God.. for his amazing gifts, even the ones that are yet to come.
Church was very inspiring! I have to say, God does not make mistakes and Sunday was no exception. Pastor Clayton's words spoke to my heart! He preached from the Psalms, my favorite book of the Bible... and I was very grateful for his message. If you have 40 minutes, please take the time to watch his message posted below. I'm hoping it will inspire you, too!
God's compassion has never failed me! I might not see what is to come, but God has walked that road before me. I am in desperate need of compassion. We need more compassion in this world. Being the body of Christ, it is our responsibility to pass this same compassion on to our brothers and sisters... to our neighbors and friends... to all of God's creatures.
I love the illustration that Pastor Clayton gave... it's like Christmas morning and you don't get a gift, but a note that says your gift is in the mail and on it's way to you. A wonderful, amazing gift! And that's why we should never stop thanking and praising God.. for his amazing gifts, even the ones that are yet to come.
Friday, May 22, 2020
Today is a good day
And I can't say that it happens too often. I woke up a little late and rushed to get ready for work but I made it just in time. On most days, that would send me into a downward spiral, but not today. Messy hair, don't care!
I'm relatively happy today and that's a good thing. I have so much to look forward to!
Living with bipolar disorder, it's always THE BEST when you can say you have things to look forward to. Looking to and planning for the future is a great coping skill! Especially when you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm... and most days I do.
When I'm feeling down, I always look for ways in which I can be a blessing to others. Just in general, I like to do 5 things everyday that I think are selfless, centered around others, and overall kind. I'm a HUGE proponent of paying it forward and initiatives that promote it! It makes me feel better... helping others makes me feel good. I know that is hedonistic, I've always thought that. But I'd rather feel self-important for helping others than for other reasons. You feel me??
When I'm feeling up, I like to reach out to those who can identify with feeling down... because I want to lift them up. It's just my personality, what drives me.
If you're feeling a little down, or a lot down, comment below. Reaching out is the first step to feeling better!
I'm relatively happy today and that's a good thing. I have so much to look forward to!
Living with bipolar disorder, it's always THE BEST when you can say you have things to look forward to. Looking to and planning for the future is a great coping skill! Especially when you're struggling with thoughts of self-harm... and most days I do.
When I'm feeling down, I always look for ways in which I can be a blessing to others. Just in general, I like to do 5 things everyday that I think are selfless, centered around others, and overall kind. I'm a HUGE proponent of paying it forward and initiatives that promote it! It makes me feel better... helping others makes me feel good. I know that is hedonistic, I've always thought that. But I'd rather feel self-important for helping others than for other reasons. You feel me??
When I'm feeling up, I like to reach out to those who can identify with feeling down... because I want to lift them up. It's just my personality, what drives me.
If you're feeling a little down, or a lot down, comment below. Reaching out is the first step to feeling better!
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Dancing in the rain
Lately, it has been raining a lot. So much so that it's flooding. That's kinda how my brain feels right now...like it's flooding.
There's no doubt in my mind now that a manic episode is brewing. My mind is a jumbled mess! How I look on the outside: calm, collected, and reasonable. How I feel on the inside: happy, sad, and extremely chaotic! I feel like I could dance in the rain, and that's just something I would not normally do. These are my clues.
I hate it when I have to play detective with my own emotions. Like... why am I feeling this way? or what are the consequences of saying/doing this? I try to dissect every thought that I can grasp in my disorganized brain. I interrogate myself in the mirror, wondering what it is that makes me "go bananas" because...let's face it, there often is NO identifiable trigger.
Not unlike most people, my thought life is based on my emotions and subtle reactions to both external and internal stimuli. Vacations make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Work makes me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Reading, writing, music, children... all make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. You see the pattern there? And this is what it's like to live with bipolar disorder.
Utter chaos!!
But if there's one thing I've learned it's that this is all temporary. Whatever I'm feeling in the moment... it's only temporary.
This is the mantra I tell myself on an hourly basis. Because I cannot function without knowing that simple fact. And I often fail at recognizing this in the beginning. I need reminders. And that's when a good support system comes into play. I'm blessed to have people who will remind me that what I'm feeling isn't rational, reasonable, or by any means permanent.
Once I've accepted that fact, I can focus on what will help. And again... I need reminders!!! I am the worst at remembering what worked for me in the past. That's why it's important for everyone, regardless of background, education level, or experience - to document your moods, your sleep, your diet, your exercise. And I've failed at doing that for a while now, but I am determined to do better. And that's because I WANT TO BE WELL! I want to be what my children need me to be. I want to be the wife my husband married. I want to be the kind person I know myself to be. So... I will try. And I will never stop trying.
But for now, I think I shall go dance in the rain...
There's no doubt in my mind now that a manic episode is brewing. My mind is a jumbled mess! How I look on the outside: calm, collected, and reasonable. How I feel on the inside: happy, sad, and extremely chaotic! I feel like I could dance in the rain, and that's just something I would not normally do. These are my clues.
I hate it when I have to play detective with my own emotions. Like... why am I feeling this way? or what are the consequences of saying/doing this? I try to dissect every thought that I can grasp in my disorganized brain. I interrogate myself in the mirror, wondering what it is that makes me "go bananas" because...let's face it, there often is NO identifiable trigger.
Not unlike most people, my thought life is based on my emotions and subtle reactions to both external and internal stimuli. Vacations make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Work makes me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. Reading, writing, music, children... all make me anxious, happy, and sad all at the same time. You see the pattern there? And this is what it's like to live with bipolar disorder.
But if there's one thing I've learned it's that this is all temporary. Whatever I'm feeling in the moment... it's only temporary.
This is the mantra I tell myself on an hourly basis. Because I cannot function without knowing that simple fact. And I often fail at recognizing this in the beginning. I need reminders. And that's when a good support system comes into play. I'm blessed to have people who will remind me that what I'm feeling isn't rational, reasonable, or by any means permanent.
Once I've accepted that fact, I can focus on what will help. And again... I need reminders!!! I am the worst at remembering what worked for me in the past. That's why it's important for everyone, regardless of background, education level, or experience - to document your moods, your sleep, your diet, your exercise. And I've failed at doing that for a while now, but I am determined to do better. And that's because I WANT TO BE WELL! I want to be what my children need me to be. I want to be the wife my husband married. I want to be the kind person I know myself to be. So... I will try. And I will never stop trying.
But for now, I think I shall go dance in the rain...
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
I hate it when this happens!
I'm willing to share that I started a new medication 2 weeks ago. I'm tapering off of another to continue this new drug. I can't really tell if there's any improvement. Could be that the dose is too low. My psychiatric NP is amazing and she will have some great insight when I see her in 2 weeks!
In the meantime, I have to 'hang in there.' It's so easy to say that to someone and harder to live it out for yourself! I hate it when this happens... I feel a manic episode coming (or like I'm in one) but I can't stop it from happening. My mind is racing (thanks, anxiety) and my body is literally buzzing. I'm not talking full on manic, swinging from the chandelier, streaking up the road, exploding on a cashier, or spending a million dollars I don't have kind of manic. But somewhat of a less severe episode. Imagine me talking so fast you have to ask me to slow down. I have the urge to spend money but there's none to spend (ha!) and I am purposely trying to stay away from Amazon.com because it's not healthy for me right now. I am not sleeping well and during the day I'm all jittery and jumbled in my head. That's the nicest way to put it. I'm disorganized. Yes, I can write all of this down, and I do - so that I can keep track of my thoughts, feelings, and moods. But I have my limits!
I'm grateful for the support of my family. If not for a loving husband, I'd be suffering a lot of heartache right now. He keeps my head on straight when I can't think for myself and picks me up when I'm lower than dirt. He's my rock and I love that about him!
Despite feeling hypomanic, I am also very sad and my anxiety level is EXTREMELY HIGH. Yes, I have been triggered by recent interpersonal interactions with my ex and nightmares about my past and uncertain future. But there is an underlying, always there, certain level of depression and anxiety that I can't seem to overcome. A family member once told me that everyone feels depressed at some point. I find this kind of response to my sharing as a means of minimizing my experiences. It's not very helpful and leaves me feeling even more empty and disappointed.
To those who are "dealing" with a loved one who is diagnosed with a mental illness, please understand that it is not their responsibility to convince you they are unwell. We are suffering an unimaginable, invisible illness that is unique to each person. You cannot fully understand or comprehend what we are experiencing because you have not experienced it yourself. And we know that. And we understand that you are just not capable of knowing this information. But we do have some sort of expectation that you will support us in our times of desperation. So, if you care, be kind.
In the meantime, I have to 'hang in there.' It's so easy to say that to someone and harder to live it out for yourself! I hate it when this happens... I feel a manic episode coming (or like I'm in one) but I can't stop it from happening. My mind is racing (thanks, anxiety) and my body is literally buzzing. I'm not talking full on manic, swinging from the chandelier, streaking up the road, exploding on a cashier, or spending a million dollars I don't have kind of manic. But somewhat of a less severe episode. Imagine me talking so fast you have to ask me to slow down. I have the urge to spend money but there's none to spend (ha!) and I am purposely trying to stay away from Amazon.com because it's not healthy for me right now. I am not sleeping well and during the day I'm all jittery and jumbled in my head. That's the nicest way to put it. I'm disorganized. Yes, I can write all of this down, and I do - so that I can keep track of my thoughts, feelings, and moods. But I have my limits!
I'm grateful for the support of my family. If not for a loving husband, I'd be suffering a lot of heartache right now. He keeps my head on straight when I can't think for myself and picks me up when I'm lower than dirt. He's my rock and I love that about him!
Despite feeling hypomanic, I am also very sad and my anxiety level is EXTREMELY HIGH. Yes, I have been triggered by recent interpersonal interactions with my ex and nightmares about my past and uncertain future. But there is an underlying, always there, certain level of depression and anxiety that I can't seem to overcome. A family member once told me that everyone feels depressed at some point. I find this kind of response to my sharing as a means of minimizing my experiences. It's not very helpful and leaves me feeling even more empty and disappointed.
To those who are "dealing" with a loved one who is diagnosed with a mental illness, please understand that it is not their responsibility to convince you they are unwell. We are suffering an unimaginable, invisible illness that is unique to each person. You cannot fully understand or comprehend what we are experiencing because you have not experienced it yourself. And we know that. And we understand that you are just not capable of knowing this information. But we do have some sort of expectation that you will support us in our times of desperation. So, if you care, be kind.
Sunday, May 17, 2020
The pandemic has tested my theory
There are few times in my life when I did not have to go to school, do homework, or go to work. But the few times that has happened, have tested my theory about myself: I do not know how to relax.
I cannot tolerate being bored. Some have figured this out about me already. I used to think I'd be a great stay-at-home mom but following the birth of Lydia found out that was not true. I hate being alone at home with little people all day long. Surpring, I know! I used to babysit, be a nanny, and do all sorts of activities with other people's children. Why not my own? Maybe because over time I grew impatient...?? I digress.
I thought that in this pandemic, I'd be super productive and get a lot of organizing done around the house. Wrong-o! I made a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before I went back to work. Lo and behold, of the 30 some things on that list, I got a handful done. I spent most of my time being anxious or depressed, day drinking, and watching movies or Netflix. I can at least say I was able to homeschool, clean the kitchen on almost a daily basis, and I kept up with laundry (even putting the clothes away)! But if you know me, that's simply not enough.
I thrive on accomplishments. My blog is freckled with entries about all of my many accomplishments and accolades. As you can guess, I feel immense guilt about not living up to my own expectations during this pandemic. And the guilt just perpetuated the depression and anxiety.
So many people have had a worsening of psychiatric symptoms during the pandemic so I know I'm not alone. My Facebook feed is full of posts from people who are suffering with depression and anxiety because of COVID-19. This is a novel time for us. The country is basically shut down. There are shelter-in-place orders to stay inside of our homes and when we do have to venture out into public for groceries and supplies, we wear face masks, gloves, and have to maintain a social distance of 6 feet from any other people. Staying in our homes has undoubtedly caused an increase in depression for those who live with it every day. And the mere fact of the virulence of COVID-19 has the anxiety levels of people across the globe in an upward trend. Every day, every hour, the statistics are updated, there are press conferences and official announcements on the TV, and the news repeats all of this information.
American citizens raise arms against each other and march in protest because some want to reopen the country to save the economy and provide jobs for those who cannot pay their bills and are at risk of becoming homeless and some want to continue to shelter-in-place. (At this point the curve has not flattened. Rather, it's near what we assume to be it's peak. In Illinois, each new day becomes the day of the most deaths due to COVID-19.) There is so much grievance among citizens that it feels like we can never attain WORLD peace.
It is no question as to why people are so anxious and depressed. Businesses are closing, people are becoming homeless, and those who die during this period do not get proper funerals. COVID-19 patients cannot be visited and comforted by loved ones and often times die holding the hand of a stranger (nurse) at their bedside in lieu of their spouse and/or children. I cannot even imagine that emotional roller coaster. Even for patients who survive, it's not as easy as "you're healed. Now, go home and spend time with your family." There is still a safety issue at hand and protocols that must be in place to protect others.
Now, back to my post.
I just cannot find it within myself to sit still. Some goals (other than organizing) were studying for my Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Board Certification exam, reading 2 books from cover to cover, reading my Bible daily, praying throughout the day, laundry upkeep, cooking nutritious meals for the family just about every night, downsizing in just about every room of the house, sewing, watching a few Netflix series I have missed due to having no time, and spending quality time with my children. I did not accomplish all of these goals either. But what I did accomplish makes me feel good.
I have not yet found a good balance between busyness and rest. It's all or nothing. Probably due to the bipolar disorder diagnosis... I'm either hypomanic and accomplishing a lot of goals or depressed and lay in bed all day sleeping. A lot of times, my anxiety cripples me to the point that all I can do is lay down and sleep, too. My thoughts race in my head and I struggle to stay sane. Medications only help so much and my mind doesn't respond as well to meds as they used to. Maybe I've grown somewhat tolerant? So, I MUST rely on coping skills. But let me tell you the truth: No matter how many coping skills you've learned or how much you've practiced, it's still A LOT OF WORK to employ them in the heat of the moment. And I find myself failing at it miserably. My husband often reminds me to breathe and tells me to lay down and rest for a while or take my medication, because it's not my instinct to do so. I like to catastrophize. And when I'm in mixed episodes, it's hard to remember to challenge my thoughts.
In summary, I do not know how to be bored. When I feel bored, I often engage in behaviors that are counter-intuitive for my diagnosis. In retrospect, I can recognize these negative behaviors, but because it's after the fact the damage is already done and I'm merely conducting damage control. And damage control is hard during a pandemic. You can't disappear to Target for an hour to gain your composure and find the strength to go home and apologize to your spouse for exploding earlier in the day.
I want you to know that if you struggle with depression or anxiety during this pandemic, whether it's chronic or new, I feel for you and I understand. I can relate. I may not know your exact situation or the circumstances triggering your symptoms, but I do know the feeling of knots in your stomach and pain in your chest because you can't keep a structured routine for yourself or because you feel like a failure for getting nothing done at home when you have all the time in the world to do it. I know how you feel not being able to hug your loved ones, not being able to hug and kiss your mother or grandmother on mother's day! I know how it feels to not be able to celebrate a birthday or a graduation in the traditional manner. I know the depression on Easter morning when there's no family around the table to enjoy a communal meal. I know your pain. I see your suffering.
It's OK if you don't accomplish your to-do list Even the Bible tells us how important it is to rest. Jesus told us to bring our burdens to Him and take rest in the shelter of His protection over us and provision for us in times of despair. I like to read the Psalms every day: Five chapters a day, every day, until I reach the end of the book and then I re-start it again from the beginning. I find comfort in knowing that David, who came long, long before me and even before Jesus, found shelter and rest in God. If you are a Christian, I encourage you to read the Psalms, even just one chapter a day. Some chapters are dark because they are laments. I relate to those because they mirror how I feel in the moment. Yet some are songs of worship for the goodness of God and His provision in the times of desperation.
Whether or not you're a Christian, I encourage you to find at least one hobby that relaxes you. Employ this hobby as a means of distraction, a coping skill. Certainly NOT day drinking or over-indulging in comfort foods which can make matters worse (BTDT). Reading, gardening, yoga, meditation, coloring, writing, praying, zoom meetings with friends, making videos with your children, playing board games with your children, playing video games or online games where you can chat with other people via the internet, cleaning, organizing, etc. It's not a cure by any means, but it's a step in the right direction.
As for me, I'm back working virtually at a NEW JOB YAY! so I'm not as bored as I was a month ago. I'm no longer day drinking and I am taking better care of myself. Situations still come up that cause me stress and anxiety but I'm in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. Hopefully this upward trend is not a sign of a manic episode, only time will tell. But I can assure you that I function much better now that I'm back to work. And for those of you who cannot work, who feel overwhelmed by the boredom, I pray that you, too, will find that you when you go back to work you return to a somewhat "normal" emotional condition.
If you have feelings of depression that lead to thoughts of self-harm or taking your life, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline below:
I cannot tolerate being bored. Some have figured this out about me already. I used to think I'd be a great stay-at-home mom but following the birth of Lydia found out that was not true. I hate being alone at home with little people all day long. Surpring, I know! I used to babysit, be a nanny, and do all sorts of activities with other people's children. Why not my own? Maybe because over time I grew impatient...?? I digress.
I thought that in this pandemic, I'd be super productive and get a lot of organizing done around the house. Wrong-o! I made a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before I went back to work. Lo and behold, of the 30 some things on that list, I got a handful done. I spent most of my time being anxious or depressed, day drinking, and watching movies or Netflix. I can at least say I was able to homeschool, clean the kitchen on almost a daily basis, and I kept up with laundry (even putting the clothes away)! But if you know me, that's simply not enough.
I thrive on accomplishments. My blog is freckled with entries about all of my many accomplishments and accolades. As you can guess, I feel immense guilt about not living up to my own expectations during this pandemic. And the guilt just perpetuated the depression and anxiety.
So many people have had a worsening of psychiatric symptoms during the pandemic so I know I'm not alone. My Facebook feed is full of posts from people who are suffering with depression and anxiety because of COVID-19. This is a novel time for us. The country is basically shut down. There are shelter-in-place orders to stay inside of our homes and when we do have to venture out into public for groceries and supplies, we wear face masks, gloves, and have to maintain a social distance of 6 feet from any other people. Staying in our homes has undoubtedly caused an increase in depression for those who live with it every day. And the mere fact of the virulence of COVID-19 has the anxiety levels of people across the globe in an upward trend. Every day, every hour, the statistics are updated, there are press conferences and official announcements on the TV, and the news repeats all of this information.
American citizens raise arms against each other and march in protest because some want to reopen the country to save the economy and provide jobs for those who cannot pay their bills and are at risk of becoming homeless and some want to continue to shelter-in-place. (At this point the curve has not flattened. Rather, it's near what we assume to be it's peak. In Illinois, each new day becomes the day of the most deaths due to COVID-19.) There is so much grievance among citizens that it feels like we can never attain WORLD peace.
It is no question as to why people are so anxious and depressed. Businesses are closing, people are becoming homeless, and those who die during this period do not get proper funerals. COVID-19 patients cannot be visited and comforted by loved ones and often times die holding the hand of a stranger (nurse) at their bedside in lieu of their spouse and/or children. I cannot even imagine that emotional roller coaster. Even for patients who survive, it's not as easy as "you're healed. Now, go home and spend time with your family." There is still a safety issue at hand and protocols that must be in place to protect others.
Now, back to my post.
I just cannot find it within myself to sit still. Some goals (other than organizing) were studying for my Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Board Certification exam, reading 2 books from cover to cover, reading my Bible daily, praying throughout the day, laundry upkeep, cooking nutritious meals for the family just about every night, downsizing in just about every room of the house, sewing, watching a few Netflix series I have missed due to having no time, and spending quality time with my children. I did not accomplish all of these goals either. But what I did accomplish makes me feel good.
I have not yet found a good balance between busyness and rest. It's all or nothing. Probably due to the bipolar disorder diagnosis... I'm either hypomanic and accomplishing a lot of goals or depressed and lay in bed all day sleeping. A lot of times, my anxiety cripples me to the point that all I can do is lay down and sleep, too. My thoughts race in my head and I struggle to stay sane. Medications only help so much and my mind doesn't respond as well to meds as they used to. Maybe I've grown somewhat tolerant? So, I MUST rely on coping skills. But let me tell you the truth: No matter how many coping skills you've learned or how much you've practiced, it's still A LOT OF WORK to employ them in the heat of the moment. And I find myself failing at it miserably. My husband often reminds me to breathe and tells me to lay down and rest for a while or take my medication, because it's not my instinct to do so. I like to catastrophize. And when I'm in mixed episodes, it's hard to remember to challenge my thoughts.
In summary, I do not know how to be bored. When I feel bored, I often engage in behaviors that are counter-intuitive for my diagnosis. In retrospect, I can recognize these negative behaviors, but because it's after the fact the damage is already done and I'm merely conducting damage control. And damage control is hard during a pandemic. You can't disappear to Target for an hour to gain your composure and find the strength to go home and apologize to your spouse for exploding earlier in the day.
I want you to know that if you struggle with depression or anxiety during this pandemic, whether it's chronic or new, I feel for you and I understand. I can relate. I may not know your exact situation or the circumstances triggering your symptoms, but I do know the feeling of knots in your stomach and pain in your chest because you can't keep a structured routine for yourself or because you feel like a failure for getting nothing done at home when you have all the time in the world to do it. I know how you feel not being able to hug your loved ones, not being able to hug and kiss your mother or grandmother on mother's day! I know how it feels to not be able to celebrate a birthday or a graduation in the traditional manner. I know the depression on Easter morning when there's no family around the table to enjoy a communal meal. I know your pain. I see your suffering.
It's OK if you don't accomplish your to-do list Even the Bible tells us how important it is to rest. Jesus told us to bring our burdens to Him and take rest in the shelter of His protection over us and provision for us in times of despair. I like to read the Psalms every day: Five chapters a day, every day, until I reach the end of the book and then I re-start it again from the beginning. I find comfort in knowing that David, who came long, long before me and even before Jesus, found shelter and rest in God. If you are a Christian, I encourage you to read the Psalms, even just one chapter a day. Some chapters are dark because they are laments. I relate to those because they mirror how I feel in the moment. Yet some are songs of worship for the goodness of God and His provision in the times of desperation.
Whether or not you're a Christian, I encourage you to find at least one hobby that relaxes you. Employ this hobby as a means of distraction, a coping skill. Certainly NOT day drinking or over-indulging in comfort foods which can make matters worse (BTDT). Reading, gardening, yoga, meditation, coloring, writing, praying, zoom meetings with friends, making videos with your children, playing board games with your children, playing video games or online games where you can chat with other people via the internet, cleaning, organizing, etc. It's not a cure by any means, but it's a step in the right direction.
As for me, I'm back working virtually at a NEW JOB YAY! so I'm not as bored as I was a month ago. I'm no longer day drinking and I am taking better care of myself. Situations still come up that cause me stress and anxiety but I'm in a better place than I was a few weeks ago. Hopefully this upward trend is not a sign of a manic episode, only time will tell. But I can assure you that I function much better now that I'm back to work. And for those of you who cannot work, who feel overwhelmed by the boredom, I pray that you, too, will find that you when you go back to work you return to a somewhat "normal" emotional condition.
If you have feelings of depression that lead to thoughts of self-harm or taking your life, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline below:
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